i think his wife should know...

[outofdarkness]

I am a BW that is here to answer the original question.

 

Here is my truth:

 

My husband had an affair. The OW did everything possible to make sure I found out short of just telling me. So, eventually I did find out and confronted my husband. At first he denied it, but the proof was overwhelming. I'm not the type of person that wants to be with someone that cheats, and I certainly don't want to be with him if he wants someone else, so I asked him to leave. He begged and cried so much you would think it was me that hurt him. Sure we had problems. We had gotten caught up in everything else around us and our marriage was neglected. I admit that, but it's is no excuse for what he did. The fact is, when he was on the verge of losing our relationship, he was ready to fix the problems. I, on the other-hand don't know if I can forgive him. Time will tell.

 

The point is, he is not with the OW. The problem is, she won't accept that he doesn't want her. He has even told me that if we wind up apart, he would never be with someone like her. It's funny how he talks about her as someone he could never trust, when he is that person to me. He has explained that the type of woman that has affairs with married men are not the type you bring home to mom (his words).

 

How do I feel about the OW? I don't care about her at all. I have never spoken to her, seen her or thought that she deserved anymore of my attention than she was already getting by becoming involved in my marriage. I think that is what you OW don't understand. When you get involved with a married man, you are involved in his marriage. You may want to ignore that we are here, but truth is, we were here first. However, I have kept this where it belongs between me and my husband.

 

The OW that my husband had his affair with thought that she had found her true love. She was sure that if I found out, he would run to her. She was wrong and you need to be prepared for that.

 

I agree with the other posters here that say end the relationship and move on. It is very rare for an OW to get the man in the end.

 

I don't post here much, but I do find that reading both points of view helps me understand how affairs happen even if I will never understand why anyone would get involved in such a destructive situation.

good luck on trying to mend your Marriage..Our situations/OWs sound very similar...We too, are trying to work out our marriage. It's tough but there is much at stake and I am willing to try...As far as the OWs...I know that the main one of over 10 years has moved on and is now engaged...I only know who one other was and she is Married herself..The others, I have no idea...I'm not sure I WANT to know...

 

And..you're correct...most of the time, the H does beg, whine, plead to stay in the marriage and the OW gets dumped...If not right away, then at some time in the future when the H realizes what he gave up for her...

[RecordProducer]

 

Sorry, but just because someone has cheated once doesn't necessarily mean they will do it again.

Right. But this situation cannot qualify as "cheated once."

 

He is still cheating... more than once!

[Guest]

I'll make this quick (ish). I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for pushing 3 yrs now. we are both madly in love, well i am and he says he is...

 

the only problem being, it that he's married!!! causes a slight problem. He used to be my boss...as did his wife!!! (oh dear what a pickle). he keeps tellin me he's goin to leave her, but is waiting for the right time to tell her, as to not entirely wreck her life!! obviously i would prefer this to all work out with as little hurt to her as poss, but i accept that that is unlikely. altho i don't want to make matters worse for her, but if we say for arguments sake that he really does want to be with me, which i'm pretty certain he does, then i think the best thing to do is for her to find out the sooner rather than later.

 

The way i see it, and keep tellin him, she's goin to be gutted whether he tells her today or in a months time or whatever. so i really want her to find out, cos the longer he continues to lie to her, the worse it gets.

 

obviously i wish i wasn't in this situation, or at least the situation wasn't like it is!!! i used to be a nice person with morals and everything, hopefully i still am to a certain extent, but u can't choose who u fall in love with. well i dont think u can anyway!!!

 

so if any one has any ideas how i can help her find out what he's up to, let me know, i kinda feel its the least i owe her.

 

i've tried everything, textin and callin her with hints (from random numbers). i think she has a pretty good idea and is mostlikely in denial, but i really feel she should know, even if in the end we all end up single!!!

 

what u think?? any ideas???

just tell her she has the right to know and anyway she knows just doesnt want to admit it

[BurntInNJ]

just tell her she has the right to know and anyway she knows just doesn't want to admit it

 

I think most BS are in denial and I can't say I blame them. It not easy to walk away, and everyone looses.

[BlueEyedGirl]

What a bunch of double standards I see here, some of you are saying that because MM cheats on the W it is very likely that he will cheat on OW at some point. Well what about BS who stayed with MM that cheated? What are chances that he will cheat on you, the person who he has cheated on already, again? I would say extremly high. And you may feel all smug that you got your man back and that he pleaded and cried but what did you really get? A lying, cheating sleazebag who is only going to shatter your heart again. Congratulations. What a winner!

[whichwayisup]

changed my mind. Deleted post.

[lost8]

I think that if you tell her it's not because you are worried about her and you think she should know it's cause you want to move forward with this. I imagine he would beg his wife for forgiveness and since she probably already has a good idea. She might take him back, he will still want you on the side. As that is where you have been.

 

Telling her is not the answer it's hurtful to her she has ignored your messages then leave it be. Tell him you want him, if he wants you he will come to you. But you can't start with a MM and then think it's all going to change. Would you want him to do this to you, to lie to you for years tell another woman how heartless and uncaring etc you are. I don't think so .

[Guest]

What a bunch of double standards I see here, some of you are saying that because MM cheats on the W it is very likely that he will cheat on OW at some point. Well what about BS who stayed with MM that cheated? What are chances that he will cheat on you, the person who he has cheated on already, again? I would say extremely high. And you may feel all smug that you got your man back and that he pleaded and cried but what did you really get? A lying, cheating sleaze bag who is only going to shatter your heart again. Congratulations. What a winner!

 

 

Really now. it's no different than OW crying and asking "why did he just use me like that, I thought he loved me" ...Please BEG (nice), get real if you are going to point that out.

 

Here you have 2 women who want the same man, who is really winning? MM that's who. I get so sick of reading how stupid BS is for staying, and how stupid OW is for being second best. If you ask me, OW is the dumb one, she is having A with MM knowing it won't be her he picks if they get caught. Choosing to be side dishes! Pretty bad place to be at over a "lying, cheating sleaze bag " if you ask me.

[GreenEyedLady]

"Guest" no one asked you who YOU think is dumber...and i don't think that arguing about who is, will do anyone any good...we're here to support one another, on both sides of situation, not name call...

[whichwayisup]

And you may feel all smug that you got your man back and that he pleaded and cried but what did you really get? A lying, cheating sleazebag who is only going to shatter your heart again. Congratulations. What a winner!

Or the OW ends up with him...So, she inherits a MM who is a lying, cheating, sleazebag...Who knows the in's and out's of how to cheat and have an affair. Arguing who has it worse is just a waste of time.

 

Most of all, who suffers most? The CHILDREN!

[Guest]

"Guest" no one asked you who YOU think is dumber...and i don't think that arguing about who is, will do anyone any good...we're here to support one another, on both sides of situation, not name call...

 

It's called freedom of speech GEL! I had to reply to what I thought was a blatantly ignorant statement. Although I will apologize for calling OW dumb. Sorry ladies. I got a tad bit angry at BEG's statement. Her presentation of BW is truly misleading. The way I see it, both women are MM's fools. If he can deceive one, why can't he the other?

[Guest]

"Guest" no one asked you who YOU think is dumber...and i don't think that arguing about who is, will do anyone any good...we're here to support one another, on both sides of situation, not name call...

 

I see you have a MM that LIED to YOU ...hmmmmmm. Doesn't it bother you at all that he was so deceitful? I know all A's are different, but knowing he didn't tell you he was married, and you still want him makes me want to ask WHY?

[PoshPrincess]

The point is, he is not with the OW. The problem is, she won't accept that he doesn't want her.

 

Sorry, but this is what he's telling you! I am not saying this to be a b**ch, just trying to get both sides of the argument across. Obviously I don't know your sitch so maybe you know for sure that he wants you, not her. When my MMs W found out about us (and I didn't instigate that - it was the last thing I wanted!) not only was he most probably bulls**tting me about his life at home, he told her a whole load of lies about our relationship too. According to him, it wasn't physical (ok, so we didn't have sex but everything else) we were more like friends than anything else, I was 'happily married' (I had split with my partner of 8 years, never been married), like somehow this was reassuring her that I wouldn't want him! He told her I meant nothing to him (possibly true, of course, although he felt too much guilt to sleep with me - not sure if that was out of respect for me or her!), all the usual stuff, but he still carried on seeing me for months after. More fool me, I know, for putting up with that and I really wish I had ended it when she found out or at least given him an ultimatum. They lie to ALL of us, BS and OW alike and in most cases are only sorry once they've been caught.

 

He has even told me that if we wind up apart, he would never be with someone like her. It's funny how he talks about her as someone he could never trust, when he is that person to me. He has explained that the type of woman that has affairs with married men are not the type you bring home to mom (his words).

 

I hope that your H is being honest with you and that you can work things out. I certainly don't believe the 'once a cheat always a cheat' thing. Some times things can work out for the best but only once you can learn to trust him again.

 

The OW that my husband had his affair with thought that she had found her true love. She was sure that if I found out, he would run to her. She was wrong and you need to be prepared for that.

 

This is SO true. It's what all OW need to be aware of. MM are always sorry once they're caught and suddenly find morals and a conscience from somewhere. Makes you laugh really.

[WaitingforHim]

BlueEyedGirl has hit the nail on the head. the MM W is no saint in this situation either and all those cheated on wives here who are condemning the morals and common sense of the OW need to get their head examined:-

 

1. We are talking about long affairs of at least over a year. The MM is human and does get very attached to the OW, even falls in love with her. This is a RELATIONSHIP and no wife can imagine what her husband and the OW have.

2. A W generally knows what is going on. In my situation, after 6 months together with MM, the W realised something was going on - AND NO HE DID NOT LEAVE ME THEN. As I see it in my situation, the W condones what the MM has done only for the sake of maintaining the pretence of marriage and maintaining the life she has become accustomed to.

3. Threats were made, I was harrassed by W, and they live in adjacent properties now, but not divorced and care for the kids separately and independently of each other.

 

So, although W feels like she has won, and she has certainly made our relationship more difficult, what has she really got? A husband that resents her for the threats that she has made about the kids, a husband that feels he has no choice but to stay in the pretence of marriage who continues and will always remain involved with me.

 

So for the wives who have their husband's "back" after an affair - think about this - he may have told you that he won't see the OW again, but you can bank upon that not happening, esp if it was a long rship. A man doesn't like trouble in his life - staying with you is just his way of avoiding trouble, especially if you have made threats.

[Guest]

BlueEyedGirl has hit the nail on the head. the MM W is no saint in this situation either and all those cheated on wives here who are condemning the morals and common sense of the OW need to get their head examined:-

 

1. We are talking about long affairs of at least over a year. The MM is human and does get very attached to the OW, even falls in love with her. This is a RELATIONSHIP and no wife can imagine what her husband and the OW have.

2. A W generally knows what is going on. In my situation, after 6 months together with MM, the W realised something was going on - AND NO HE DID NOT LEAVE ME THEN. As I see it in my situation, the W condones what the MM has done only for the sake of maintaining the pretence of marriage and maintaining the life she has become accustomed to.

3. Threats were made, I was harrassed by W, and they live in adjacent properties now, but not divorced and care for the kids separately and independently of each other.

 

So, although W feels like she has won, and she has certainly made our relationship more difficult, what has she really got? A husband that resents her for the threats that she has made about the kids, a husband that feels he has no choice but to stay in the pretence of marriage who continues and will always remain involved with me.

 

So for the wives who have their husband's "back" after an affair - think about this - he may have told you that he won't see the OW again, but you can bank upon that not happening, esp if it was a long rship. A man doesn't like trouble in his life - staying with you is just his way of avoiding trouble, especially if you have made threats.

 

The question is: What is it that you have? A MM who will never be completely committed to you. If he is staying for the kids, they will always come first. The W will always be in his life, but you are expendable. Did you ever think that the W is there for the same reason the MM stays? Sometimes parents put their child's well being before their own, a concept that you are not familiar with. This is not limited to cheating fathers. Don't assume that the W is just sitting here wishing she could be like you. It's the furthest thing from our minds.

[Guest]

BlueEyedGirl has hit the nail on the head. the MM W is no saint in this situation either and all those cheated on wives here who are condemning the morals and common sense of the OW need to get their head examined:-

 

1. We are talking about long affairs of at least over a year. The MM is human and does get very attached to the OW, even falls in love with her. This is a RELATIONSHIP and no wife can imagine what her husband and the OW have.

2. A W generally knows what is going on. In my situation, after 6 months together with MM, the W realised something was going on - AND NO HE DID NOT LEAVE ME THEN. As I see it in my situation, the W condones what the MM has done only for the sake of maintaining the pretence of marriage and maintaining the life she has become accustomed to.

3. Threats were made, I was harrassed by W, and they live in adjacent properties now, but not divorced and care for the kids separately and independently of each other.

 

So, although W feels like she has won, and she has certainly made our relationship more difficult, what has she really got? A husband that resents her for the threats that she has made about the kids, a husband that feels he has no choice but to stay in the pretence of marriage who continues and will always remain involved with me.

 

So for the wives who have their husband's "back" after an affair - think about this - he may have told you that he won't see the OW again, but you can bank upon that not happening, esp if it was a long rship. A man doesn't like trouble in his life - staying with you is just his way of avoiding trouble, especially if you have made threats.

 

 

What is that you have? You have a MM that won't D his W, that makes you special? YOU may need your head examined. In my eyes you are taking the backseat, like it or not. He has no backbone, can't you see that most of them tell OW that M is bad, can't leave or she will take my kids, blah, blah, blah. It's almost always 90% lies. Maybe not in your case, but in MOST cases that is the way it goes.

 

Yes, I do believe some MM love OW, but why would you settle for somebody you can't really have? I had an A and I loved my OM, but not as much as I do my H. When d-day happened, guess who I picked? You got it. I got over OM very quickly and worked on my M. I have never cheated again, and have no desire to.

 

I had 50 reasons why I was cheating, but in the end it was all excuses for my bad judgement. I even told OM I slept on the couch. I did, but only when I fell asleep there watching t.v. I told him H and I never had sex. He believed me because he wanted to, because he trusted me just like many OW trust her MM. In the end I picked what was more important to me, my family and 16 yr M. I see that happening more than I do MP leaving for OP. Just the facts.

 

BEG only has wishful thinking. W is no saint in this situation? Yours maybe, but in most cases they don't even know, and MM uses their problems as an excuse to cheat instead of trying to work on M. I have seen it with my own eyes. I have also seen a MM make W out to be awful, when in fact she was very good to him. He just wanted to cheat, and a good pity story does work. It did for me.....

[AJS]

So for the wives who have their husband's "back" after an affair - think about this - he may have told you that he won't see the OW again, but you can bank upon that not happening, esp if it was a long rship. A man doesn't like trouble in his life - staying with you is just his way of avoiding trouble, especially if you have made threats.

 

 

You really believe that?

A man staying with somebody to avoid trouble is nothing but a COWARD sweetie.

[PoshPrincess]

1. We are talking about long affairs of at least over a year. The MM is human and does get very attached to the OW, even falls in love with her. This is a RELATIONSHIP and no wife can imagine what her husband and the OW have.

 

So true.

 

2. A W generally knows what is going on. In my situation, after 6 months together with MM, the W realised something was going on - AND NO HE DID NOT LEAVE ME THEN. As I see it in my situation, the W condones what the MM has done only for the sake of maintaining the pretence of marriage and maintaining the life she has become accustomed to.

 

Ditto.

 

So, although W feels like she has won, and she has certainly made our relationship more difficult, what has she really got? A husband that resents her for the threats that she has made about the kids, a husband that feels he has no choice but to stay in the pretence of marriage who continues and will always remain involved with me.

 

Yep. My now ex-MM stayed because of the kids. One of them more or less had a breakdown because of what happened (although she had probs before) which I am certainly not proud of, but she would never had known had his W not told her everything, even to the point of showing her explicit text messages we had sent each other. W is now with a man who is only there because he feels guilty, because every day he is scared that he will come home and his daughter will have killed herself. It's easier for him to stay in an unhappy marriage than to spend every day worrying which I totally understand. Of course, he has bulls**tted to the W too so she doesn't know he is still in love with me. Maybe that's why she feels she can forgive him. I know she is making an effort since she found out so maybe things will work out for them in the end. Who knows? He didn't seem to think they could ever get back what they had but I always say if those feelings were there once they could always be rekindled. She has less reason to feel that way about him than the other way round, if you think about it, as she has lost the trust they once had.

 

staying with you is just his way of avoiding trouble, especially if you have made threats.

 

My ex-MMs W dragging the kids into our A was the biggest threat he could possibly have. She knew exactly where how hurt him and I can't blame her for that but using your own kids and hurting them into the bargain is pretty low. I would be surprised if he will ever forgive her for that.

[Guest]

BlueEyedGirl has hit the nail on the head. the MM W is no saint in this situation either and all those cheated on wives here who are condemning the morals and common sense of the OW need to get their head examined:-

 

1. We are talking about long affairs of at least over a year. The MM is human and does get very attached to the OW, even falls in love with her. This is a RELATIONSHIP and no wife can imagine what her husband and the OW have.

2. A W generally knows what is going on. In my situation, after 6 months together with MM, the W realised something was going on - AND NO HE DID NOT LEAVE ME THEN. As I see it in my situation, the W condones what the MM has done only for the sake of maintaining the pretence of marriage and maintaining the life she has become accustomed to.

3. Threats were made, I was harrassed by W, and they live in adjacent properties now, but not divorced and care for the kids separately and independently of each other.

 

So, although W feels like she has won, and she has certainly made our relationship more difficult, what has she really got? A husband that resents her for the threats that she has made about the kids, a husband that feels he has no choice but to stay in the pretence of marriage who continues and will always remain involved with me.

 

So for the wives who have their husband's "back" after an affair - think about this - he may have told you that he won't see the OW again, but you can bank upon that not happening, esp if it was a long rship. A man doesn't like trouble in his life - staying with you is just his way of avoiding trouble, especially if you have made threats.

 

The wife didn't enter the contest, you did. I'm sure she doesn't believe that she has won anything. As for the wife's who have their husband's "back", what makes you think we want them? We beg them to go to you, but they just won't leave.

[Guest]

Just wondering if the original guest poster is still reading this. If so, I say yes tell the wife. She should know what she has married and who he is sleeping with. I hope she kicks him out and the two of you can live happily cheating ever after. Please post again and let us know what happens.

[DaZed&CoNfuSeD_L0vE]

yea what they said...you are just going to be someone on the side..

I have seen my mom get hurt by people because they said "they loved her" and the guy was married and one night she got drunk and cussed him out and started to cry and was like you know what you dont love me..

My mom had a boyfriend of 13 years and he was married..

YOU ARE JUST GOING TO BE USED!!

WHETHER YOU THINK ITS LOVE OR NOT...

DONT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE MY MOM DID BY "THINKING" HE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU....

[Guest]

How sad is all of this? I have to admit that as a BW, I have always been very critical of the OW, but reading these stories make me feel sorry for her. The OW that my H had said that all she ever wanted was a happy family life because she never had one as a child. The fact is, she will never have one. She is too old to have children of her own (in her 50's). She has never been married and has no family.

 

I may have married a cheater, but I do know many people who's love I trust. Parents, siblings, children and friends. The OW has no one to turn to when she is hurt. No one that will want the best for her and put her first. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, but it's really the OW who has lost. I'm not talking about her losing my husband, I'm talking about losing her hopes for what she wants out of life. My husband listened to her, tried to help her and she saw him as her savior. She was devastated when he decided to work on our marriage.

 

I know that even if our marriage doesn't work in the end, I will still have true love and happiness in my life. Can't say the same for this OW.

 

I'm not generalizing about all OW, I'm just talking about the one my H had. That's the only one I can really comment on.

[outofdarkness]

BlueEyedGirl has hit the nail on the head. the MM W is no saint in this situation either and all those cheated on wives here who are condemning the morals and common sense of the OW need to get their head examined:-

 

1. We are talking about long affairs of at least over a year. The MM is human and does get very attached to the OW, even falls in love with her. This is a RELATIONSHIP and no wife can imagine what her husband and the OW have.

2. A W generally knows what is going on. In my situation, after 6 months together with MM, the W realised something was going on - AND NO HE DID NOT LEAVE ME THEN. As I see it in my situation, the W condones what the MM has done only for the sake of maintaining the pretence of marriage and maintaining the life she has become accustomed to.

3. Threats were made, I was harrassed by W, and they live in adjacent properties now, but not divorced and care for the kids separately and independently of each other.

 

So, although W feels like she has won, and she has certainly made our relationship more difficult, what has she really got? A husband that resents her for the threats that she has made about the kids, a husband that feels he has no choice but to stay in the pretence of marriage who continues and will always remain involved with me.

 

So for the wives who have their husband's "back" after an affair - think about this - he may have told you that he won't see the OW again, but you can bank upon that not happening, esp if it was a long rship. A man doesn't like trouble in his life - staying with you is just his way of avoiding trouble, especially if you have made threats.

you are sick...why do you have to be so mean spirited and insensitive??? A forum for support and advice??? Not a contest! Nobody "wins" when a spouse has an affair! NOBODY!!! And..I have to agree with one poster who said, we do beg them to leave and the won't! I am not a mean person, but your post brought out the worst in me...Can't we just be here to support and help each other??? Why the bitter attitude? It's not the W's fault that the MM entered into the affair with you...She doesn't want a "contest"...Get your own guy instead of stealing others!

[NoIDidn't]

1. We are talking about long affairs of at least over a year. The MM is human and does get very attached to the OW, even falls in love with her. This is a RELATIONSHIP and no wife can imagine what her husband and the OW have.

2. A W generally knows what is going on. In my situation, after 6 months together with MM, the W realised something was going on - AND NO HE DID NOT LEAVE ME THEN. As I see it in my situation, the W condones what the MM has done only for the sake of maintaining the pretence of marriage and maintaining the life she has become accustomed to.

3. Threats were made, I was harrassed by W, and they live in adjacent properties now, but not divorced and care for the kids separately and independently of each other.

 

So, although W feels like she has won, and she has certainly made our relationship more difficult, what has she really got? A husband that resents her for the threats that she has made about the kids, a husband that feels he has no choice but to stay in the pretence of marriage who continues and will always remain involved with me.

 

So for the wives who have their husband's "back" after an affair - think about this - he may have told you that he won't see the OW again, but you can bank upon that not happening, esp if it was a long rship. A man doesn't like trouble in his life - staying with you is just his way of avoiding trouble, especially if you have made threats.

 

This has got to be some of the most ignorant thinking I have ever read on here. This is the reason why the BW and the OW won't be able to get along. But, oh well - you are busy making the bed that you will eventually lie in.

 

As far as the BW or the OW goes in this situation, its the MM that is in control of his actions. Not his W. Not his OW, though she may feel like she has something that the W does not. No one wins in this, so please stop thinking that YOU won.

[Guest]

you are sick...why do you have to be so mean spirited and insensitive??? A forum for support and advice??? Not a contest! Nobody "wins" when a spouse has an affair! NOBODY!!! And..I have to agree with one poster who said, we do beg them to leave and the won't! I am not a mean person, but your post brought out the worst in me...Can't we just be here to support and help each other??? Why the bitter attitude? It's not the W's fault that the MM entered into the affair with you...She doesn't want a "contest"...Get your own guy instead of stealing others!

 

Wow, Outofdarkness, you are the most level headed BW I have seen here and this really hit you hard. You are right nobody wins. What I don't understand here is why this OW is so upset at the BW.

 

What are these threats that have such a strong hold on the MM? There are laws that protect a parents rights that no BW can get around. We only have her side and all we know is that she didn't win because her MM is still married. She is angry and is trying to make other BW feel like our H's will always lie to us and never give up the OW.

 

Reality and statistics show us that she is wrong. She doesn't understand that she is allowing the MM to have his cake and eat it too. I hope that the BW in this case sees the light and makes the choice that's best for her.