Husband blames his depression on me.

[luvstarved]

Well the H sounds like he is not being supportive and not trying to positively reinforce, rather blaming you for a characteristic that you had when youwere married. I can certainly understand that people are attracted to what they are attracted to, like it or not, but if he is trying to help you lose weight, I can see where it's not very motivating.

 

I think it is like anything else: until you personally are motivated to make the change, it will not happen. That motivation can be inspired by a lot of things, but it has to belong to YOU.

 

I joined a gym a couple of months ago, for a variety of reasons:

1) better health and energy

2) maybe my H would find me more sexually interesting

3) if he didn't, I'd be getting ready for the next relationship

4) general raising of self esteem

5) an impeccable excuse to get some time away from it all

 

It has had a very positive effect on me, I thought I would hate it but I love it. I was not overweight just getting a little loose with age, but gyms are not like they were some years ago where it was like a meat market atmosphere. I see people now of all shapes and sizes and ages, coming in to try to improve themselves, and everybody seems really just into their own thing and not "checking other people out", comparing themselves to others, etc. Just working at their own pace on their own goals...is this something you would consider?

 

I think that, if anything, your H's demeanor may be causing an internal subsconscious revolt on your part. If so, that is a real shame.

 

I certainly would encourage you to try to take steps to lose the weight for the health reasons, but again realize that the motivation has to come from you. I sincerely hope that you find it. You said that you have always been heavy and so perhaps you will never be a "skinny minnie", but every pound you take off removes stress from your body and probably adds time to your life.

 

Best of luck...

[carmaenforcer]

He is being a complete jerk to her because #1: he is blaming HER for ALL the problems in the relationship...no wait...his life! #2: he is unsupportive and is just tearing his wife down with his words.

 

I am sure there is a completly different approach he could be taking with her that does not involve abuse.

 

If I were her, I wouldn't give a damn about making him happy. How would that make you feel if your wife blamed ALL of her unhappiness on you? Seems a bit irrational and over-the-edge.

 

Yeah, he is definately in jerk mode. Frustration and anger are more than likely to blame for this attitude problem. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way standing up for the guys abusive approach. Not knowing the whole story and knowing the frustration that dealing with this situation can bring out in a person, I have to wonder. Is there a communication problem? Is this communication problem due to the sesative nature of the request, need or expectation? Is this attitude a result of the husbands sense of powerlessness?

Has he simply given up, and the time for talk has long passed?

 

It's much easier to just leave and find someone that is more compatible or at least more simpathetic or appathetic to your needs. The easier thing to do however is not necessarily the best thing to do.

 

If you love each other, you do for each other. Period... If not you, then who?

 

I'm sure this guy wasn't always a jerk. I think the fact that he is still bugging about it means he hasn't cheated yet.

[typhonblue]

Carmen... I actually think that expectations destroy relationships. People shouldn't expect others to change to suit them, and that includes women expecting men to give up the things they love. A person should change for themselves, not for someone else. If they change for someone else the resentment will poison the relationship.

 

An interesting factoid about body image... 40% of men want skinny women, the other 50% prefer average size (and something like 10% overweight). But almost 100% of women prefer men who are more slender then average. So if you're a guy who is anything over about 10lbs *under* your ideal weight, you are, with 95% probability, dating or married to a woman who does not find you attractive. Explains a lot about committed relationship sex, doesn't it?

 

To the original poster... you are going to be fat all your life. That's the way it is. Probably about 75lbs of that is under your control. I suggest you make your husband aware of this and if he cannot handle it, then let him go.

 

However, you should seriously look at what you demand from your husband, your expectations towards him. Do you demand a certain standard of living? Were the children a mutual decision? Is he the only bread-winner? Think very carfully about what you're expecting from him, often the kind of resentment he's expressing is a direct result of being over-burdened by expectations in a relationship.

 

He may consider himself overworked. If he does, accomodate him somehow. You may find that when the stress of being over-worked is alievated he relaxes and becomes less judgemental.

 

Or loose the relationship. Your decision.

[StayClose]

 

An interesting factoid about body image... 40% of men want skinny women, the other 50% prefer average size (and something like 10% overweight). But almost 100% of women prefer men who are more slender then average. So if you're a guy who is anything over about 10lbs *under* your ideal weight, you are, with 95% probability, dating or married to a woman who does not find you attractive.

 

What is the source of this factoid? It's my impression that it is more acceptable in the eyes of women for men to be slightly to moderately overweight than for women to be in the eyes of men.

 

In fact, it is skinny men that women do not find attractive. They'd rather have a guy built like a football player one built like a Tour de France rider or a marathon runner.

[typhonblue]

What is the source of this factoid? It's my impression that it is more acceptable in the eyes of women for men to be slightly to moderately overweight than for women to be in the eyes of men.

 

Two points to consider. It's *men* complaining they don't get enough sex, not women. Which suggests to me that the issue isn't that men don't find women attractive enough, but that women don't find men attractive enough.

 

The other point is the fact that, taking a look at a small segment of dating, female on-line ads recieve more responses then male. Even if men *say* that their preference is for X, in practice they're more willing to waive their preferences then women.

 

In fact, it is skinny men that women do not find attractive. They'd rather have a guy built like a football player one built like a Tour de France rider or a marathon runner.

I'm having a bitch of a time finding the stats.

 

However, here's something to chew over. Most women will not date a man under 5'6". The hieght descrimination against short men by women is pretty extreme.

 

However, a short man can make up for his short-coming by *earning* 180,000+ over the average income(of course, his ability to do so will be significantly reduced because of heightism in the work force). So men, can, theoretically, make up for their looks and height flaws with money. And then they can attract woman who judge men on the size of their wallets. (There's a word for these type of women, but it's just slipping my mind at the moment.)

 

This is because women are more in demand then men and can name their price when dealing with what they consider to be substandard men.

 

Also, to tie it back into the original poster. I think a lot of women have a tendancy to expect men to support them financially. And then complain that men want them to remain attractive in return. If you're going to set up a system by which you place superficial expectations on your mate, don't complain when you're hoisted by your own petard.

[LVspecB]

Also, to tie it back into the original poster. I think a lot of women have a tendancy to expect men to support them financially. And then complain that men want them to remain attractive in return. If you're going to set up a system by which you place superficial expectations on your mate, don't complain when you're hoisted by your own petard.

Well put . Amazing how men and women see those concepts differently...

 

LVspecB

[StayClose]

Two points to consider. It's *men* complaining they don't get enough sex, not women. Which suggests to me that the issue isn't that men don't find women attractive enough, but that women don't find men attractive enough.

 

If you read the sexless marraige threads here, there's plenty of women's well complaining about not enough sex.

 

Also, if you read those threads, quite often the person complaining is physically active and stays in good shape, so the issue (in most cases, not all) is not what the person looks like, it's loss of sexual attraction or libido due to other factors.

 

As for women not likiing skinny men as much, that's mostly from personal observation of women admiring athletically built guys and ignoring guys who are slimmer than average and lack the athletic well-defined musculature. Guys who are athletic but slightly to moderately overweight (the football player build) are seen by most women as more attractive that scawny guys (the marathon runner build).