need to move on

[lonelygirl]

I was in a wonderful relationship for 1 year with a man who I loved dearly. After 1 year, I had to leave London and move back to the U.S. When I left, the relationship ended; he made it clear at that point that he didn't see us together for a lifetime. It's been nearly six months since then, and I am still struggling to move on. Part of the problem is that I've been out of work until recently, and the job that I now have is not really satisfying. I really want to move on, but don't know how to do it. I don't know how to stop thinking about him and wishing things were different. I do go out with my friends, and have tried dating, and going to church, and working out, but nothing seems to break this cycle. The dates make me feel even more lonely because inevitably I just miss him more because I am not interested in my date. I am now worried that I am unable to stop pining away for this guy...how can I put an end to this pathetic behaviour?

[midori]

I've been where you are, and the only real answer is time. It's not easy, I know, and it's especially hard when you feel that other parts of your life (your work) are unsatisfying. It sounds like you're doing good things to get out and keep busy, and that's important. But if you're viewing every outing as the possible Moment When Miraculous Change Will Occur, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Do you like working out? (I ask because I don't like gyms and prefer to exercise in other ways). I assume you like going out with your friends, and that you go to church for reasons other than the social opportunities it affords. What I'm saying is, do things that you enjoy for their own sake; if some of your activities are undertaken solely for the purpose of possibly meeting someone, you're not going to enjoy them in the short term and you're probably not going to meet someone there anyway.

 

It's entirely unhelpful to have someone say, "oh, it's just a matter of time." But it is. Six months isn't that long, you've been coping with other transitions besides getting over your ex. It's been a year since my ex broke up with me; a couple of months after the break-up I moved to a new city where I knew no one to start a graduate program. It's been a long year. But I'm over my ex now, I'm dating, I've got a circle of friends here, things are starting to come into focus. It's been a lonely, arduous process, but I know I've come through it with more wisdom, more self-knowledge, so much better prepared to create a relationship with someone that will be truly satisfying for me (as my relationship with my ex was not).

 

If you're looking for action to take in the immediate present, how about starting with the things that are easier to change, like your job? I know the economy's not great right now, but if you're not satisfied with your work, why not start looking for something that will be more fulfilling? Do you have an idea of what that might be? It sounds like you would want to make some change on that front whether or not you have a boyfriend. Do what you can to improve your spirits; it's strange and ironic but I've found that only when you start to perk up in general that the things you've been craving start to present themselves. For all you know, you're encountering great people every day -- but you're not in the right frame of mind to recognize them. It happens to us all. I've only just pulled myself out of that state.

 

It'll get better. And remember: if the ex in London wasn't so taken with you that he was ready to do what was needed to keep the relationship alive, then he wasn't the right one.

[Rachel]

As usual, Midori has provided us with wonderful insight into some complex problems.....

 

I agree with all that she's said and a couple of things I may suggest;

 

1. When a relationship ends with someone we loved, or cared deeply about, we tend to make them into the "saintly" figures they are NOT.... keep things in focus and remember his faults or things you were NOT happy with in the relationship or with him or problems he created in the relationship. NO relationship is perfect, and remembering the BAD as well as the good I believe is key..... if you don't you will start to create this mythe where no man will live up to.....

 

2. Go to short term counseling. Let a professional bring things in perspective for you. It can be extremely helpful. Pick a name out of the phone book and if you arent' happy with that person, try someone else. It's not that hard.

 

3. Understand that the most stressful things in life are created by the following: death of a loved one, loss of a loved one, divorce, moving to a new city, starting or ending a job.

 

Think hard: for most people just ONE of those things is considered EXTREMELY stressful, and here you are dealing with 1. ending of a relationship 2. Moving 3. Job change or unhappiness of it......

 

You are being hard on yourself.

 

Also, think if you are maybe slightly depressed or not. If you think you may be try counseling first and then seek medical help.

 

this site is truly wonderful. It has "regulars" who visit, read or contribute, and I myself, as well as some others have truly benefited from it.

 

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

 

I have been through 2 breakups while on this site over the past 1 1/2 years and I can not even BEGIN to tell you how much easier the second breakup has been, and I truly believe its because I have learned SOOOOO much about relationsips and dynamics between couples just from reading the advice other people post on this site.

 

 

 

I've been where you are, and the only real answer is time. It's not easy, I know, and it's especially hard when you feel that other parts of your life (your work) are unsatisfying. It sounds like you're doing good things to get out and keep busy, and that's important. But if you're viewing every outing as the possible Moment When Miraculous Change Will Occur, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Do you like working out? (I ask because I don't like gyms and prefer to exercise in other ways). I assume you like going out with your friends, and that you go to church for reasons other than the social opportunities it affords. What I'm saying is, do things that you enjoy for their own sake; if some of your activities are undertaken solely for the purpose of possibly meeting someone, you're not going to enjoy them in the short term and you're probably not going to meet someone there anyway. It's entirely unhelpful to have someone say, "oh, it's just a matter of time." But it is. Six months isn't that long, you've been coping with other transitions besides getting over your ex. It's been a year since my ex broke up with me; a couple of months after the break-up I moved to a new city where I knew no one to start a graduate program. It's been a long year. But I'm over my ex now, I'm dating, I've got a circle of friends here, things are starting to come into focus. It's been a lonely, arduous process, but I know I've come through it with more wisdom, more self-knowledge, so much better prepared to create a relationship with someone that will be truly satisfying for me (as my relationship with my ex was not). If you're looking for action to take in the immediate present, how about starting with the things that are easier to change, like your job? I know the economy's not great right now, but if you're not satisfied with your work, why not start looking for something that will be more fulfilling? Do you have an idea of what that might be? It sounds like you would want to make some change on that front whether or not you have a boyfriend. Do what you can to improve your spirits; it's strange and ironic but I've found that only when you start to perk up in general that the things you've been craving start to present themselves. For all you know, you're encountering great people every day -- but you're not in the right frame of mind to recognize them. It happens to us all. I've only just pulled myself out of that state.

 

It'll get better. And remember: if the ex in London wasn't so taken with you that he was ready to do what was needed to keep the relationship alive, then he wasn't the right one.

[Tony T]

What you are attached to is an idea that didn't pan out. When you learn to embrace and love reality, accept things exactly the way the are and are going to be, you'll be a lot happier in everything you do.

 

I'd suggest you not date for a while but rather see friends or spend some time getting to be more comfortable with yourself and enjoying your own company.

 

Take some time to do nice things for yourself, things you've always wanted to do. Get a body massage, take a trip with friends to a theme park, go see some performers you may have missed in the past, etc.

 

As midori said, it just takes time. You're a sensitive sort and it takes a lot more time for you to let go. This also may be due to some abandonment issues from the past. Everybody is unique in the time it takes for them to let go of a relationship that is no more. It's a gradual process and I'm sure you're on the way there.

 

However, the process of letting go requires one important element. The absolute desire and will to let go. You don't have that yet. As long as you keep this guy inside of you, he's there. Your mind cannot tell the difference between that which is real and that which is imagined.

 

So today, take the power you have given this guy and reclaim it for yourself. No longer give him the power to hold you and your emotions hostage. Be firm in this. Make the decision that he's out the door.

 

You won't be happy and nobody important can come into your life until you boot this guy out and there is absolutely no good reason why you need him in your life (mind) at this time. To all the rest of us, he's ancient history.

[lonely girl]

Midori, Rachel & Tony

 

Thank you so much for you feedback. I know that I am not letting go and that is what is holding me back. Atleast now I am aware of this and can hopefully be proactive about truly closing this chapter of my life. I want to move on but thoughts of him keep clouding my mind. I'm trying so hard to move on and don't understand why it's taking me so long...I think the job situation is part of it, and I am actively looking for another role (it looks like I'll an offer or two in a short period of time). I hope when the 'real' job comes along, I can truly start to rebuild my life. Right now it's still kind of on hold or in limbo because i know I won't be staying in this job or in this city. So it's hard to really settle in and rebuild. thank you again for your support; it really makes a difference.

What you are attached to is an idea that didn't pan out. When you learn to embrace and love reality, accept things exactly the way the are and are going to be, you'll be a lot happier in everything you do. I'd suggest you not date for a while but rather see friends or spend some time getting to be more comfortable with yourself and enjoying your own company. Take some time to do nice things for yourself, things you've always wanted to do. Get a body massage, take a trip with friends to a theme park, go see some performers you may have missed in the past, etc. As midori said, it just takes time. You're a sensitive sort and it takes a lot more time for you to let go. This also may be due to some abandonment issues from the past. Everybody is unique in the time it takes for them to let go of a relationship that is no more. It's a gradual process and I'm sure you're on the way there.

 

However, the process of letting go requires one important element. The absolute desire and will to let go. You don't have that yet. As long as you keep this guy inside of you, he's there. Your mind cannot tell the difference between that which is real and that which is imagined. So today, take the power you have given this guy and reclaim it for yourself. No longer give him the power to hold you and your emotions hostage. Be firm in this. Make the decision that he's out the door. You won't be happy and nobody important can come into your life until you boot this guy out and there is absolutely no good reason why you need him in your life (mind) at this time. To all the rest of us, he's ancient history.