hung up on an ex? or two?

[Guest]

let me get right to the story,

i took my boyfriends camera and video tapes to see what was on them and it was of his ex. yes i know thats CRAZY i was snooping but whatever. anyway he always told me a lot of the stuff i did reminded him of her (lets call her joan) and that it was weird. well i watch this video and its like them talking about their relationship and he says the same stuff in this tape to her as he does to me and its just crazy. she IS like me. or i'm like her. its ****ing weird and so i got really upset because in the video you know he tells her he loves her so much and they hug and its just..

 

it seems like he really truly loves her which would be ok i guess but he has always told me he thought he loved her but didn't and that i was the first person hes ever truly loved. well so i see this video without his permission or knowledge and freak out thinking hes just dating her through me and that i'm second best and that he doesn't really love me he just thinks he does because i'm simliar to her and its just crazy. so things were already going downhill so i was like i can't take this i'm going to break up with him. so i did and hes asking why and i just say because we are incompatible and that we've been kind of heading for a break up any day now and all this. i didn't want to tell him i saw the video but eventually i feel like i really want him to know how i feel so i tell him and he starts saying (after all the "i can't believe you did that" ****) that she was a rebound and he DIDN'T love her and that she meant nothing to him and that everyone who knew about their relationship knew that he didn't love her.

 

i'm so confused. i mean, its not like he cheated on me it was his F&cking ex. i shouldn't care. but it just bothers me because i feel like hes been through everything twice almost. everything she did wrong i did wrong and he can be so mean when hes mad at me and when he was mad at her he was nicer. its like he feels like hes dating her except its not. its me. a different relationship.

 

god i'm not making any sense, but i just can't explain it. so anyway he tells me all this and was like "i don't even care about her. the only two ex's i'm hung up on are this girl krissy, and melissa. i still think about them"

 

WHOA. what the ****? WHAT? i mean that just broke me down. i set the phone down and he just talked and talked and talked for like 10 minutes till he realized i wasn't listening. i finally hung up and turned off my phone. that killed me. i mean if i was EVER going to back with him, its like.. no longer can i. i can't be with someone that still dreams about his exes like that. "hung up" on them. god that term is so bad. i just don't know what to do. he tried and tell me later that thats not the term he meant to use but i don't know what to believe anymore.

[nicki]

Wow, let him go....and be glad you found out now.

 

If he is still thinking about an ex, he can't give all of himself to you.

 

I've been there so I know how you feel. My ex called up his ex 8 months after we were dating and told her he missed her.

 

I found out six months later. I was devastated, but because it had happened six months earlier and things were good, I stayed....for a while....it eventually killed my feelings for him.

 

I felt like second best. Like second choice. No woman wants to feel that way.

 

It sucks, but get out now. It will eat at you if you stay with him. You deserve to be the ONLY one he is "hung up on."

[Guest]

alright yeah thats what i figured. i figured it would eat me up inside. i don't like the feeling of wondering whether or not hes thinking about his ex('s).

 

i'm still with him.

he has tried to clear it up. saying that he didn't mean hung up on them.. he just meant that he still cared for them as people and misses them but not in that way. i kind of get it.. but at the same time i don't want to get it because i'm afraid hes just saying this so i don't break up with him. i don't know what to think. i don't know what he thinks. rawr!

so frustrating.

 

so.. does that make sense? am i just trying to make myself feel better and pretend or does that actually sound about right? because i mean.. i guess i could see dating someone for sooo long and then just never thinking of them again would be kind of hard to ask for(?) i don't know. i just can't believe he said hung up on them. i can't forget that. **** i just don't know what to do .

[nicki]

Well, you could stay and see what happens. Just don't give all of yourself to him until you know for sure the exes will stay exes.

 

If my ex hadn't continued the issue with refusing to delete his ex's phone number and other stuff, then maybe I could have gotten over it. I don't know. It just seemed like he kept it going. He WAS hung up on her and he kept DOING things that showed me he didn't really want to move on emotionally....even though he was telling me that he loved me, blah blah blah...

 

And doing what he did kept him from being fully with me. I also couldn't get it out of my mind that he called her, told her he missed her, while he was WITH ME. She didn't want him back. If she had, I think he would have gone back to her, at least at that point in time. OUCH.

 

That's why I felt second choice, even though months later he told me he wouldn't leave me for her. Yeah, easy to say later when I knew she didn't even want him. I felt tricked into thinking he was 100% mine, when he really wasn't. Not fair.

 

If your guy said hung up, then that's exactly what he meant. So, watch yourself if you stay with him.

 

See if he does or says anything else that would make you think he isn't over the ex's. If they wanted him back, would he take them up on it? Be sure he is picking you because he wants you.

 

Just typing this makes me realize why I don't date guys who stay in regular contact with their exes. It really messes up relationships.

 

I don't have a problem with a guy saying he is getting over an ex if he is really trying to get over her. That means, no contact. No reading old love emails, keeping her phone number or her things around, or looking at pictures of her.

 

If a guy does tell me he is still getting over an ex, then I know he is still healing and not to give all of myself yet. That's cool, and honest. What's worse in my book are the guys who are secretely hung up on exes and doing NOTHING to move on.

 

So, keep your eyes open. If you stay with him, watch and listen. You will know if you stay open to any clues.

 

But, if you get to the point where you aren't being yourself and you aren't happy, then reconsider whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him.

 

Sorry this is so long. Hope it helps in some way.

[Guest]

thanks for your help.

 

he doesn't talk to any of his ex's still and he says if he wanted to, he could. i am happy that he doesn't talk to any of them because i agree with you, it only complicates things. what sucks for me is i don't know why they broke up. if it was simply because they just couldn't get along and it was neutral, thats fine. if he broke up with her, thats fine. but if she broke up with him, thats where i have my problems. he hasn't done anything to make me think otherwise, except what he said to me ("hung up" on them)

 

damnit that sucks. how could he be hung up on them when hes with me? its like.. if i date a guy for a few years and tell him i'll always love him no matter what and then we break up and i date someone else, i'm not going to still love my ex like that. i may wonder what hes doing now and then but i'm not going to miss him being my bf. see, thats where i don't know what to believe. if thats the case with my bf and his ex's then i guess thats okay.. but if he misses them in that i'm not what they were and that he feels "stuck" with me then .. ugh.

 

he told me he had attatchment problems and still thinks about gf's from the 5th grade. while this sucks, because he probably thinks about more recent gf's that way, i think this is why he is with me. we have been together for 2 years now and i think hes feeling attatched and like he wouldn't know what to do with himself if we broke up. its not in a loving way, but in a way that i guess he doesn't want to be alone (???) i don't know. but several times he's told me that he doesn't want to break up and have to start all over again with someone else. to me, i see that as he just wants to stay with me so he doesn't have to take the time to get to know someone else. thats not a good thing.. hes getting older and set on marrying someone soon and i think it may not matter who hes with. to some degree at least.

 

infact, he tells me i'm the first one hes ever felt this way towards and that if we broke up he may not even look for love anymore because he already knows hes found it and all this bull**** to lead me to believe that hes already said this to someone else and perhaps i'm the one who is not getting loved, maybe he has all his love for an ex.

 

ok i can't do this. i can't keep going on and on about how much i'm worried. i think i'm going to break up with him after halloween. i don't know though

[nicki]

Hey, you don't have to make any decisions today. Being worried can feed on itself. You have to figure out if the information you have shows that there is something to worry about.

 

If yes, then take action. If not, then wait and gather more information.

 

It sounds like he has explained things to you....and that he loves you.

 

Don't stress too much. Enjoy your boyfriend and focus on making memories as a couple. See if the worrying goes away, or if things happen that give you pause....or see how YOU feel in general about your relationship.

 

You will know what to do when and if the time comes. Until then, wait and see what happens. Have fun and be happy.

[Guest]

thanks so much nicki, i really appreciate your responses. i really needed to talk to someone about it because it was bugging me. i will see what happens in the end. ..

[nicki]

:)

 

Good luck! Stay clear about things!