Suicidal X

[Angel]

An ex boyfriend of mine (we went together for three years and I caught him cheating) called me today and asked me to forgive him for hurting me. We have been broken up for 1 1/2 years and we have been friends since the breakup. He was very distraught and told me he was suicidal the night before and he was calling people to say his goodbye's. I just happened not to be home last night so he called me this morning. I told him that of course he was forgiven, and he knows that I have moved on and have a wonderful new relationship. He asked to come over to have coffee and talk and I agreed (even though it is my mother's birthday, and also the second anniversary of my father's death---and I was going to my mom's party and the cemetary, so I was real busy). He looked tired and weary because he hadn't slept for two days. My new boyfriend knows about him, but I don't know if I should tell him about this, it's so very personal. I'd hate to breech my x's confidence about something so serious. I am worried about my x--and feel nervous and responsible for helping him. Should I tell my new boyfriend and what steps should I take to help my x?

[midori]

If you feel that your boyfriend would be unhappy at being left in the dark about your ex involving you in his problems, then you should tell him. If you are confident that your boyfriend knows the deal with your ex and isn't going to be threatened that you kept this secret from him, then it's probably OK to not mention it to him, if you really feel that it's a confidence you shouldn't share with him.

 

BUT, regardless of how your boyfriend may or may not feel, I think you ought to be asking yourself some serious questions here. It's all well and good to be a friend to your ex. It might even be a bit gratifying to see someone who once hurt you now miserable and in need of your support. You've got nothing to apologize for. But why does your ex think that it's OK for him to dump his problems on you like that, with the further imposition that you keep it a secret from your current boyfriend? Why does he think it's OK to intrude on your relationship w/ your current boyfriend that way? If he's so desperate and needs your help right now, fine -- but he ought to be able to accept that your boyfriend is going to know what's going on. If you guys have been friends since the break-up, why did he feel the need to apologize for his past misdeeds -- hadn't he already apologized? What I'm getting at is, what is this guy's agenda? Cause it sounds to me like he has one.

 

A real friend will not impose on you in a way that would jeopardize a relationship that makes you happy. I guess I'm not convinced that your ex is really your friend. It may not be that he's trying to worm his way back into your love life (although he might be), but what does seem clear is that, in asking you to prioritize your loyalty to him over your loyalty to your boyfriend, your ex is showing a lack of respect for your happiness (which lies with your boyfriend, not with him).

 

If he's really depressed and going through a rough patch it's fine to cut him some slack. But not too much -- or you might find that he'll trip you up. Don't let him overburden you. You're not his girlfriend anymore. We all go through rough times, and that's why it's good to have someone to love. He blew it with you, so he shouldn't think that he can encumber you with his problems anyway.

[Me]

Just saw this one.. What a creep! thinking about it he has no right to put this situation on you. You are in serious danger of being taken here...

 

He is big trouble (if genuine) and possibly with nasty hidden motives. Sorry, got that one wrong. I believe he probably HAS nasty motives... run away while you can but in the nicest possible way. This approach of his will bring YOU trouble.

 

What would any rational person be thinking of to approach someone they dumped way down the track? This smells a bit to me.

 

In any case what is his problem that he has to approach his collection of old discarded girl friends?

 

And why do you feel you might be misleading your current boyfriend? If you don't feel free to tell him anyway then you are misleading him and he will feel betrayed when he finds out.. And he will.

If you feel that your boyfriend would be unhappy at being left in the dark about your ex involving you in his problems, then you should tell him. If you are confident that your boyfriend knows the deal with your ex and isn't going to be threatened that you kept this secret from him, then it's probably OK to not mention it to him, if you really feel that it's a confidence you shouldn't share with him. BUT, regardless of how your boyfriend may or may not feel, I think you ought to be asking yourself some serious questions here. It's all well and good to be a friend to your ex. It might even be a bit gratifying to see someone who once hurt you now miserable and in need of your support. You've got nothing to apologize for. But why does your ex think that it's OK for him to dump his problems on you like that, with the further imposition that you keep it a secret from your current boyfriend? Why does he think it's OK to intrude on your relationship w/ your current boyfriend that way? If he's so desperate and needs your help right now, fine -- but he ought to be able to accept that your boyfriend is going to know what's going on. If you guys have been friends since the break-up, why did he feel the need to apologize for his past misdeeds -- hadn't he already apologized? What I'm getting at is, what is this guy's agenda? Cause it sounds to me like he has one. A real friend will not impose on you in a way that would jeopardize a relationship that makes you happy. I guess I'm not convinced that your ex is really your friend. It may not be that he's trying to worm his way back into your love life (although he might be), but what does seem clear is that, in asking you to prioritize your loyalty to him over your loyalty to your boyfriend, your ex is showing a lack of respect for your happiness (which lies with your boyfriend, not with him). If he's really depressed and going through a rough patch it's fine to cut him some slack. But not too much -- or you might find that he'll trip you up. Don't let him overburden you. You're not his girlfriend anymore. We all go through rough times, and that's why it's good to have someone to love. He blew it with you, so he shouldn't think that he can encumber you with his problems anyway.

[sideshow bob]

firstly, you are not responsible for the way he feels.

 

there's nothing wrong with making an apology to an ex for past treatment. but to talk of suicide a year and a half later based on that relationship?? has he fallen and hit his head?? i have to question the motives of someone who talks suicide like this to a 'friend'.

 

secondly, a textbook case of a suicidal person does not include telling others he's suicidal. in fact, it's quite the opposite. do a search on google or altavista and enter the words 'suicidal behavior' and you will find an array of sites you can visit, which should be of assistance.

 

something smells fishy. tell him you know him well enough to deserve a straight explanation of what's going on. no beating around the bush. he should really have had more respect than to approach you, his 'friend', who is involved with someone else.

 

if indeed he does have genuine emotional problems, offer support and perhaps advise him to see a counsellor but don't get too close. it's quite possible he's trying to weedle his way back into your life by targeting your most sensitive spot - your emotions. he should never have burdened you to the point where you're not sure if you should tell your current boyfriend. suss out the situation with the ex and gain a concrete understanding of the situation before getting your boyfriend involved.

[Paul]

Angel,

An ex boyfriend of mine (we went together for three years and I caught him cheating) called me today and asked me to forgive him for hurting me. We have been broken up for 1 1/2 years and we have been friends since the breakup. He was very distraught and told me he was suicidal the night before and he was calling people to say his goodbye's. I just happened not to be home last night so he called me this morning. I told him that of course he was forgiven, and he knows that I have moved on and have a wonderful new relationship. He asked to come over to have coffee and talk and I agreed (even though it is my mother's birthday, and also the second anniversary of my father's death---and I was going to my mom's party and the cemetary, so I was real busy). He looked tired and weary because he hadn't slept for two days. My new boyfriend knows about him, but I don't know if I should tell him about this, it's so very personal. I'd hate to breech my x's confidence about something so serious. I am worried about my x--and feel nervous and responsible for helping him. Should I tell my new boyfriend and what steps should I take to help my x?

You are not owned by anyone but yourself.

 

Most likely, this person is trying to manipulate your feelings by creating a situation in which you feel sorry for him.

 

He needs help. You are not qualified to give it to him.

 

If you feel his threats are serious, or if he continues to threaten suicide, IMMEDIATELY call your local emergency number (i.e. 911) and let them know what this person has told you. They will take the necessary steps to help him. Most communities have support teams that will intervene and help him seek out whatever help he needs.

 

I cannot emphasize how important it is for you to not get involved in this beyond that. You cannot allow yourself to be a victim or to be controlled by his actions.

 

Make the call now before it's too late! Many of those who eventually commit suicide tell others in advance and their threats are not taken seriously enough to get the intervention that's needed in time. You cannot allow him to threaten his life over you. That is not healthy in any circumstance.

 

He has, for whatever reason, called out to you. The solution is not to get back together with him, nor to engage in a secret relationship with him. He is not thinking properly. He is psychologically ill and cannot make rational judgements at this stage!

 

Your only responsibility at this point is to contact the authorities and let them handle it. They are very qualified individuals who handle situations like these all of the time. They will be sensitive to his needs and help him through this crisis.

[Delice]

Definitely recommend he see a therapist or at least talk to a professional. Book him a session yourself if you have to. He may not have the courage to do it himself, which is why he told you of his suicidal tendencies in the first place.

 

No one can say whether his threats are serious or not, but he could be telling you this because he feels you're the only person he can trust or who will take him seriously.

 

Better to get to the bottom of this and offer your help than to let it slide because you don't know what to make of it.