brokenhearted29 Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 I dont know whats going on with me today. For the last several weeks I have not cried about my situation at all. Today I have become a big cry baby. Somedays I just want to end it and go to the courthouse. I have been seperated for the past 3 months and I beleive my husband is having a affair. We still have contact almost everyday. He still gives me a line of bull.... and tells me that he loves me. But just by his actions toward me when he is around I can tell he still does. He just doesnt know how to let go of me or her. I kind of need advice! I need to put my foot down and stop with this nonsince. We are obviously seperated but he really doesnt call it that becasue he comes home everyday and calls all the time. I think I should tell him that if he still choses to stay gone at night then not to call or come around anymore. That way it will make it easier for me or not. I'm not sure I just know that the way we are living is not working. I want him around but not if he cant be a full time husband and father. Or do you think I should just run to get a divorce. This has gone on for 3 months and I dont think its got any better. If I continue to let him do this then who noes how long it may go on. Does anyone know where I am coming from. I'm really not sure what to do and need some help. tks for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 does he live with you ? or else where? but it is a hard situtaion. that would be so hard for me since he continues to act and say he loves you. which probobly means he does. If you really think that he is having trouble choosing between her and you maybe if he is not living with you just tell him he can come over a few times a week instead of everyday. try withdrawing from him a little by not saying you love him too and things like that . maybe he will notice and show you that you are the one he wants to be with. I always feel that divorce is the last thing to be considered if the relationship has hope.and i think that yours does since he states to you that he Loves you. but it isnt good that he is taking advantage of the stuation. so maybe instead of filing D right away, maybe just withdraw a little at first and then slowly more so. give him a chance to prove to you that he Loves you and wants to be with you. I know you said it has been three months and no change but it hasnt gotten worst yet either . so maybe try that for now. It will give you the time you need to prepare for divorce ( if that eventually happens) and give you time to really observe his behavior and attitude towrd you , it may make you see things much more clearly( good or bad). hang in there . Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 He has all of his things here and comes here almost everyday but he does not sleep here at night. There has been maybe 2x a month that he has stayed home all night. I use to think he was ready for the whole marriage thing but I dont think so anymore. There are days that I want to be free from all of it. But like you said divorce should be the last option and I'm trying to make it my last. I just dont think its unfair that I have be lonley. I shouldnt have to think about this or feel this way. Why dont men realize they dont have a choice but to be a man and take care of his family. I dont just mean finicially. He gives me money but I'm the one that needs some attention. Its not about the material things. I think I have made a horrible choice by marrying him. I dont think he can give me what I need. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Just like I told another poster the other day, CHANGE THE LOCKS. You are allowing him to come and go as he pleases, and are therefore as much at fault for this situation as he is. If you don't act differently, nothing's going to change. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 He has all of his things here and comes here almost everyday but he does not sleep here at night. There has been maybe 2x a month that he has stayed home all night. I use to think he was ready for the whole marriage thing but I dont think so anymore. There are days that I want to be free from all of it. But like you said divorce should be the last option and I'm trying to make it my last. I just dont think its unfair that I have be lonley. I shouldnt have to think about this or feel this way. Why dont men realize they dont have a choice but to be a man and take care of his family. I dont just mean finicially. He gives me money but I'm the one that needs some attention. Its not about the material things. I think I have made a horrible choice by marrying him. I dont think he can give me what I need. I totally know what you are feeling , especially when today seems to be a hard day for me . I agree that I feel the same way that he ( our estranged spouses) should be men and get a grip and realize that they are supposed to take care of their family. but of course in this kind of situation they just are not capable. there are so many reasons why they do what they do but youcan't controll what they are doing or thinking so you have to control what you do and think. I know this is way easier said then done because I struggle with it daily. I struggle with loneliness, and urges to say what I want to him but to know the scray truth we have to show another side to us . meaning being not so available to them , and seeing where things go. trust me i am struggling at this moment not to call my seperated spouse, I've been reading books that tell me that the same thing that i have been doing does not work and is making at the least ~ things stay in limbo and at the worst , making things worst . I can see so clearly that we can work it out if my husband could just see it too. but they can't for whatever reason. since you feel like filing for divorce , I know that you have been pushed to your maximum anmount of tolerance for this situation. so why not just do the oposite of what you have been doing ? I know it is a leap of faith but since you are at the end of your rope i think that it may be worth a try . we dont know what the outcome will be but at least it will be different then what has been happening . It is so hard i know , but if you do make changes ( such as being more unavailable you have to stick to it for a little while) hold your ground. My heart aches right now with my pain so I can certainly feel your pain too . Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 Thats the problem sticking to it. Yesterday I worked (I work everyweekend 12 hrs shifts) and didnt talk to my h at all. He did not call me or stop by. I was alittle upset that he didnt not call becasue he usually will. So when I got home from work this morning I was letting my dog out and guess who showed up. Of course, it was him. Well he started kissing all over me telling me he loves me. He stayed for alittle while then I had to go to sleep so he left. He hasent been back since but I did talk to him on the phone. That gets old after while. I would like to sit down and talk to him about how I'm feeling but I'm afraid it will push him further away. Sometimes I feel ashamed to still be married to this man becasue we have lost some kind of connection. He doesnt treat me with all the respect that a wife deserves. Who noes maybe I'm at fault becasue I dont give him enough respect also. I just except some many things out of a husband and I thought he wanted those things to. So I will try not to give in so much. tks. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 What I'm about to tell you will be hard for you to do ~ but you need to take action. !. Change the locks on the doors 2. Put all of his trash out on the curb, and tell him he needs to come and get it before someone else does. 3. Don't let him come around "Honey this and Honey that!" 4. Be resolute and steadfast. 5. When he starts "But, but, but, .......................... You tell him, "No but's, either we're married or we're not. If you want to still be married to me, then there's a straight and narrow road back, here are my conditions for you working your way back............................ If you choose to leave for good, its going to cost you ~ big time. He's going to either: a. Come begging back b. Take a couple of days/weeks to think about it and then come begging back c. Leave If its "c" he's already made his mind up before you did what you did, and you can't lose something you didn't have to begin with. If its "b" I be hesitant and the road just got narrower and straighter than it was. If its "a", its time to roll up your sleeves, start reading, go to marriagebuilders ~ whatever it takes to put it back togehter and keep it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 Hi! Things are the same for me. It just doesnt seem to get any better. Tonight I have wrote my husband a letter. I have told him to come get the rest of his things and to not come back until he wants to be a full-time husband and dad. I have not given the letter to him yet becasue I have not seen him. I may not give it to him at all I just wanted to get my words out some how so that I know what to say to him. Either way he is going to hear it. I need to do things different. I'm tired of wondering about him. Wondering when he is going to come home to us. So wish me luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Good for you BH, the thing is your taking back your life, that's what counts, that's what matters. You're taking back control of you and control of your life. Wheater he comes or goes, stays or not ~ you're back in control of your lifeand you. Regardless of how hard it is, your world doesn't revolve around him. Regardless of how it turns out, you're taking back your life, and control of your life, and your happiness. Its no longer dependent upon his whimsical whims, and his flakeness, ~ his fence straddling. I'd be letting his azz know, that there's a way back, but its a straight and narrow path. That he's got to work his way back, and he's got to want to work his way back. Its not going to be pretty, its not going to fun. Anything less and you're just wasting your time, effort, energy that would be better spent somewhere else. I realize this may come as a shock to you, but he's not the end all to end all when it comes to men. He's not God's gift to all women. There's not a shortage of good men. The world is covered up with them, many of them are looking for what you've got to offer. You're selling yourself short at a severe discount to think otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Hi! Things are the same for me. It just doesnt seem to get any better. Tonight I have wrote my husband a letter. I have told him to come get the rest of his things and to not come back until he wants to be a full-time husband and dad. I have not given the letter to him yet becasue I have not seen him. I may not give it to him at all I just wanted to get my words out some how so that I know what to say to him. Either way he is going to hear it. I need to do things different. I'm tired of wondering about him. Wondering when he is going to come home to us. So wish me luck. I am so happy to hear that you did that. that is good for you to finally express what you have had pent up for so long . I know it is really scary but like I said if your ready to get a divorce than this will be your last effort to save the marriage. and if he says forget it , then he caused the divorce not you , he gave up you didnt , and so you know that and you can move on . He will probobly have more trouble moving on believe it or not. I think that it might wake him up though. sometimes from what i have read on these posts and in some books that a total 180 in actions can save a marriage. Good Luck to you . and we are here to support you whatever happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 Well I talked to my husband today. At first I just listened to him. He told me how he is having a ruff time. And that he wants to be here but hes not ready. If he comes now it will not do either one of us any good. He is really stressed out. He explained how he is trying to go to school but cant get any finicial help. He talked about his mother whom passed away 2years ago. He admitted since her death he has not been the same person. We all miss her dearly. she was someone he could talk to and now he feels that he doesnt have that. Ever since she has passed he has not been the same. I sometimes dont know how to communicate with him about his loss becasue I have not experinced this yet. He still has his dad but they dont talk like he use to with his mom. So after he had a chance to vent I told him until he was ready to come back full-time I didnt want him to come back at all because it was too hard for me. I understand about him but dammit what about me and my feelings. I dont think he took me seriously becasue he asked me to make him a key so that he would have a way in.(he lost his key to the house) So I told him no not until he was ready to come home. Well he grabbed his picture of his mom and left. He also left his cell phone. It makes me wonder if he went to her to vent next. But I'm not thinking like that anymore tks to Lor. So we will see if he took me seriously or not. I do feel his pain but I wish he would look at what he is doing to us. I have been patient and waited for 3 months now but I'm still wrong becasue I want him back now. I'm lonley but I try not to think about it. I will continue to pray for my husband and for our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 Well, he called me today from work. But I did not answer. I wanted to call him back to see what he wanted but decided not to. I thought I would make him think about it for awhile. Maybe he would snap out of it and come home for good. We will see. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Well, he called me today from work. But I did not answer. I wanted to call him back to see what he wanted but decided not to. I thought I would make him think about it for awhile. Maybe he would snap out of it and come home for good. We will see. Keep your fingers crossed for me. You and me have similar situations don't we. It is a hard thing that you did and I think it was a good thing. at least you feel like things are more fair ( in a way ) because he can't just come in and out of your home and not give you an answer to any concerns you have for him and you dont have to worry about him just being at your house when you come home , that's like no peace for you . I know it is hard but you did the right thing. he didnt leave a voivemail for you ? the next time he calls ( wait for him to call you ) and speak to him very calmly and be friendly . hopefully this will wake him up to show him that you are there for him but you won't deal with this forever. I will definitly keep my fingers crossed for you . see this way you have the ball in your court , it is up to him now and that should take alot off your shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Its amazing to me how the one who leaves can't see or understand what they do to the ones left behind. They are lost in their own little world and can't see beyond their own emotions and pain. In a way, you need to start being able to move on with your life, either with or without him because, regardless of his actions, life is continuing on all around you; your kids, work, family.... You did the right thing with the key for the house and you need to keep standing firm on the NC. Everytime he comes back you are filling a need in him for reasurrance that his family is still there, and that he can come and go as he pleases. Everytime you allow him to kiss you and tell you he loves you it is justifying in his mind that what he is doing is okay because you are still there waiting for him. In his mind he doesn't see that what is going on is wrong because he's only thinking about himself and what he is going thru. When he tells you he loves you, tell him back "You have a funny way of showing it." Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 Well last night I was studing for a big test and he showed up at the house unexpected. He really did not say anything to me but he talked to the kids and left and told me he be back later. (which he did not come home later) I know I should of told him to leave when he came but I didnt want to start anything at that moment in front of my kids. Besides I was not taking my concentration off of studying. I'm just going through so many things right now and its really hard. I have to do good in school so that I can pass and that is enough stress. So for now I am just concentrating on that because I cant handle all of it at once. I want my husband to treat me with respect also but I guess I cant have it all. But the way I see it is I'm not in a hurry to get divorce. So I will try my best to handle this and hopefully my husband will change his ways for the better. Time will only tell! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 He didnt leave a voicemail. If felt good to not answer his call but yet I wonder what he was calling for. My kids left for the weekend and I have to work. So we will see if he calls or comes over. I dont see how we can get back everything that we have lost in the past few months. I dont think Its going to happen. I guess this is the reality that I need to deal with. I cant call him becasue he does not have a phone right now. You and me have similar situations don't we. It is a hard thing that you did and I think it was a good thing. at least you feel like things are more fair ( in a way ) because he can't just come in and out of your home and not give you an answer to any concerns you have for him and you dont have to worry about him just being at your house when you come home , that's like no peace for you . I know it is hard but you did the right thing. he didnt leave a voivemail for you ? the next time he calls ( wait for him to call you ) and speak to him very calmly and be friendly . hopefully this will wake him up to show him that you are there for him but you won't deal with this forever. I will definitly keep my fingers crossed for you . see this way you have the ball in your court , it is up to him now and that should take alot off your shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 I went through the same thing about a week ago when i missed my husbands call and he didnt leave a voicemail , at first i felt wonderfull like how you like that? but then later I felt worried that maybe i should have called him back or i wonder what he called for ... but i got over it and it was a good decision now that i look back not to call him back on that one. It is good to start to process that this may be the end of your marriage but i would give it time .also , even though you missed his call he has to call you back at some point , at least for the kids . just wait for his call . may take 2 days to a week but just tell yourself not to worry or think about it till example: next wednesday.... that is what i did to help me not to call , even though it is hard it did help me. and remember this isnt forever , this is just so he has a chance to calm down . when he calms down from his anger , and least you will be able to communicate better. no matter what happens communication will be needed in the future and you want to be on speaking terms. Your doing what you need to do , preparing for the worst , putting your foot down on what is acceptable for you emotionally. you can do this . dont think the worst right now , just take things one thing at a time . right now just wait for his call and try to improve communication . 1 step at a time so it isnt so overwhelming for you , although i know it is all overwhelming , but that will help ease the stress for you . Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 Well Friday I had school all day and my kids are on break so they were at the house and they said he came home on his lunch break. He was asking about me and then he left. Today is Saturday and I have not heard from him at all. But I shouldnt be angry becasue this is what I asked for. I really miss him alot! I must say this is a learning experience for me. I really beleive that is why god is making me go through it. I have become more religious since this has happened. I pray all the time and I am searching for the answer. Sometimes I feel that the answer is starring me in the face I just dont want to accept it. And then I wonder why is it that god put us together. We have only been married for 1 1/2years. I just need the answers and i am unpatient. I talked to my father-in-law yesterday and he is dissapointed in his son. I told him that I thought about ending it but I just have way too much going on that I dont think it would be a wise choice. Maybe that means there is hope for us. I wish I knew. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Ideally the time to end it is when both you and your husband have re-solved all of the issues, preferablly in a postive and consentuial manner, and all emotions have been re-set to neutral, that is to say there's no love nor hate, just a numbness and in-difference (for lack of a better way to express it). Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 What I'm about to tell you will be hard for you to do ~ but you need to take action. !. Change the locks on the doors 2. Put all of his trash out on the curb, and tell him he needs to come and get it before someone else does. 3. Don't let him come around "Honey this and Honey that!" 4. Be resolute and steadfast. 5. When he starts "But, but, but, .......................... You tell him, "No but's, either we're married or we're not. If you want to still be married to me, then there's a straight and narrow road back, here are my conditions for you working your way back............................ If you choose to leave for good, its going to cost you ~ big time. He's going to either: a. Come begging back b. Take a couple of days/weeks to think about it and then come begging back c. Leave If its "c" he's already made his mind up before you did what you did, and you can't lose something you didn't have to begin with. If its "b" I be hesitant and the road just got narrower and straighter than it was. If its "a", its time to roll up your sleeves, start reading, go to marriagebuilders ~ whatever it takes to put it back togehter and keep it together. This is the truth and the only way to have it back to commitment - unwaveringly. HARD lines. This is not about him - it is what is best for you. I know you said you don't want to deal with the stress. The only way you won't have to keep dealing with it is shut him out. Until he comes home for good and helps with the kids he doesn't just get to come anytime he wants and disrupt anything. Imagine how much studying you'd have gotten done if you had been allowed to do that without him even coming around. Your kids will be better for it, especially if you have girls. They won't see that they should put up with husbands coming and going. And if you have boys, they will see that women deserve respect and should not be trampled on because he can't make up his mind. The mother dying - that is a long shot. "I had an affair because my mother died 2 years ago"? This guy has got to get his head on straight and grow up. If he doesn't you're wasting your time anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Gunny's first post to you was excellent advice - show your husband the road home and let it know that it won't be available long. Sure he's got problems with losing his mother, studying, wife and mistress ragging on him. Poor guy. You're caring full time for two small kids and studying? You also have your hands full. Don't let him give you the lame excuses. He can be a husband or be gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 The "bottom line" here is either get "bussey" lvining or get "bussey" dying Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 15, 2006 Author Share Posted October 15, 2006 Thanks guys for the input. It truly helps me coming on here becasue I dont have many friends that I can talk to. I do know what I need to do its just difficult and I'm not sure if this will bring him home or not. I think he is far too gone. I was waiting for him to come home this weekend and bring me money but he still has not showed up so thats good. I think that if he does not bring me any money by wed. I'm going to cancel his car insurance. Our insurance is together of course since were married. (and its expensive) Otherwise I am doing okay today. I have my moments. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Sounds like you got your inner strength coming out . that's so great , I know it gets tough emotionally sometimes but you are on the right track. I really found alot of support here as well . much more than i thought i would get from a message board. Link to post Share on other sites
ely Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Treat him different! F***that you don't deserve this if you are a good woman. This story REALLY pissed me off. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
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