having a tough time today

[brokenhearted29]

Well to make long story short me and my husband got into it. The letter that i gave him the other day said that I wanted out after the holidays. Well this morning while I was at work he called me telling me that he was leaving with his son. He emotionally broke me down and I had to leave work becasue i thought he was going to really leave. He knows my kids are my everything and so he tries to hurt me with that. So I come home crying and trying to work it out. I thought to myself after it was all said done why the hell was I crying. I need to stand up to this man! He said some hurtful things to me. Then he decided to change his plans some and started packing all my things and my daughters. He said we can leave for a while. And he will be a 24 hr dad. Okay now we are talking about someone who is never home with their children in the first place. He also said that he doesnt have time for another women and there was nothing going on. And that i need to just leave it alone. Well its kind of hard to leave something alone that has never been answered. Well he ended up leaving it alone and I didnt go no where and my son didnt leave either. I know what you mean when you say I will have to deal with him forever. He is going to make my life a living hell.

[mum2three]

Gosh, this is super hard especially thru the holidays. I left to avoid getting into with H on the holidays. All I can say is keep focused. The M is not what he wants so act like u can survive w/o him. He isn;t ready to discuss anything. Find some support with ur family or friends now. Living together under this stress is a hostile environment. Take some breathing space just to gather ur thoughts. No one is saying run away but step back and breathe. Best wishes. Sending u some cyber zen.

[anna13]

I know what you mean when you say I will have to deal with him forever. He is going to make my life a living hell.

 

I can't believe that he is doing this "his son is going with him and your daughter with you crap"... you have to turn this around or he will railroad you to the ground. he is counting on your sensitivity with your children . you have to go see an attorney and see what difference it makes if you move out or he moves out. it is better he moves out I think. if he insists on taking his son only with him well , that isnt going to look good for him in court , you have controll over this situation you just dont realize it. Your children will be hurt over this but you can only do your best to protect yourself to protect your kids. your son is still your son even if he isnt with you . it will be hard on your H to care for a son he takes with him he will soon change his mind and return your son to you . plus this is all right now , and if your son is your biological your H cant just take off with him , isnt that kidnapping? you might want to find out about that . there is a reason for custody hearings.

 

time to take the gloves off here , you have been trampled long enough. you can wait until after the holidays to start making appt's for an attorney . he will try to make your life hell but you can make it hell for him too. basically put your kids first , if he wants to take your son , tell your son that you love him and you dont want him to leave but it will be ok . reasure your children , and then take steps to protect yourself. once you start taking steps toward divorse , things will start moving and this painfull era will be over . Life moves on no matter what. if you still hope for a chance with your H , there is never a never, but now you have to take the steps to protect yourself.

 

dont share informatiion with him , dont share unnessesary info with your children , keep their lives as stable as posible. talk to an attorney . he knew his situatiion was shady when he wasnt at home , so he moves back in to cover his butt and now he wants to turn it around so that you move out , that will make you look bad. just play stupid with him and without him knowing or finding out .. talk to an attorney for your options.

 

I had a friend before who told her X everything she was doing and was planning to do , she ended up losing custody of her kid, because he used the info she gave to manipulate situations to favor him. she wanted to actually work it out with him , now she despises him .

 

This guy wants to make threats? well then , time for you take action to protect you and your kids. I know it is hard but you have to put the emotions aside and move forward. I know easier said then done but think of yoru kids , he is pulling them apart to get at you ... time to put an end to this before it becomes a painfull tug of war for your kids. talk to the attorney about the "affair" situation . . also a female attorney would be good , dont be afraid to see a few to find the right one .

 

delete your cell phone logs after every call . . put a security code to retrieve yoru voicemails . let the attorney only contact you on a cell phone. keep it with you at all times. pu tit on vibration so he can not hear it ring if the attorney calls you in the middle of dinner. you can turn this around .

[anna13]

also ,... i know he saw this site once, hopefully he did not remember it ,. If you have it on a favorties list or bookmarked take it off , make sure he cant come here to find out more about what you are thinking or doing . also hide your cell phone if you are going to shower or whatnot. your H is not your friend right now. treat him as such ( not a friend) .

[brokenhearted29]

The reason why he is only trying to take his son is becasue my daughter is not his. But she does not know this. He just doesnt know that he is messing with everyones life. Well last night he went to see his family in Joilet. He called me numerous times. Well to make a long story short when he got home he suppousley ran into this girls sister at the gas station. They dont like each other at all. Well they ended up getting in to it. She scratched him in the face:laugh: He came home telling me half of the story and his girlfriend called the house later to talk to him. Can u beleive she asked for him like nothing was wrong. So I told him that we have both lost interest. I tried to get him to open and talk about it, he says its not what u think. I said lets talk about it. Well, we never talked just a few choice of words that i better not say. And then he also made a comment that I better leave it alone or he was going to drop me off at my moms house. I told him that he was going to do nothing to me. He is sush a ass---. So today I'm going to do it. I'm going to call around for a lawyer. I'm going to look at my options. I think that if he really loved me he would see that its getting close to being over with and he would do whatever he had to do. It shows me that he must really care about this other girl. And that does hurt!

[brokenhearted29]

Hello,

Well yesterday my husband was being so good to me. I couldnt figure it out. He actually called me several times and came in early and stayed all night. So I think that something I said made him think about it. So tonite he comes home from work and leaves. He has not returned and his cell phone is off. And also he took my key off of my key ring and made a copy of the house key becasue he did not have one. So I know he has really thought about things. But it looks like it has not changed anything. I always have that moment when i think he is going to treat me right and then i give him the beneift of doubt. Why I dont know becasue he does not deserve it. I still see good in him although he does bad. I have not called the attorneys because for some reason I thought things would be different after our talk. I need to call and just see what my options are so I know where i stand. This doesnt mean that I have to do anything yet. Although i should get it over with because the reality is this is what its going to lead to. I just keep waiting for change that will never happen.

[anna13]

So tonite he comes home from work and leaves. He has not returned and his cell phone is off. And also he took my key off of my key ring and made a copy of the house key becasue he did not have one. So I know he has really thought about things.

I would be greatly concerned about this , people turn off their cell phones because they dont want the phone to ring at an inconvenient time and also , making sure he has a copy of the house key, just to make sure he can have access to the house, did he tell you he was going to do that or did he just take it off ? I would be on guard. . him being unusually nice seems to me that he may be up to something , just watch your back .

I need to call and just see what my options are so I know where i stand. This doesnt mean that I have to do anything yet.

definitly right , it is just to prepare you for what might be ahead, of course we dont want to think the worst but I dont want to see you blind sided by your H . he might be telling his girlfriend that he wants to be with her and he is just trying to figure out the smoothest way out , and the girlfriend might not believe him and may be calling him asking when ? but that is hypethetical of course but what i am getting to is that again i dont want to see you blind sided . prepare for the worst even if it does not happen .

[stillafool]

Anna is right. I think it's strange that the night he chooses to spend the night your key is missing and he didn't ask. He wants to make sure you can't lock him out. This thing with him coming over when he wants to and spending the night when he wants to is not good. You have to teach him how to treat you. Give him a deadline to make up his mind and don't sleep with him until he does. I guarantee you sleeping with him when he wants you will not get him back. He is just having you and her both. You have to make him make his choice and leave him alone until he does. I know this is easier said than done because you sound like you are really in love with him. I know you can't see what the rest of us see because you are caught up in this hell right now. You have got to pull yourself together and realize what he is doing to you. Your children should be together not split apart. They will miss each other terribly and not only lose a parent but each other. Don't let him do that to them. Seek an attorney's advice immediately.

[brokenhearted29]

Hello Friends, Well things have suprisely been good. All week he was home with me. There was no phone calls either so I'm not sure what is going on. During the weekend he was out quite a bit becasue it was his birthday. So i'm not sure if he slept here or not.

Everytime he threatens me with my kids I take him seriously and i shouldnt. I dont think he will act on it. He is a good father but he is never with his kids. He doesnt take them anywhere or spend quality time with them. One time when we were having issues he was trying to take my son and my son cried. He wanted mommmy to come to. That boy could not live one day without me. And my H noes this. And if he did take him one day my son will never forgive him. So thats something he will have to deal with.

Another issue that we are having is that he doesnt give me enough money out of his checks. I probably shouldnt bitch but I do all the time. I know he doesnt make very good money but I also wonder if hes out having a good time with the money. I pay all the bills and i think he takes advantage of that. I dont know. what do u think. Does anyone else have this problem or have suggestions. Well happy new year to everyone I'm going to work.

[PWSX3]

He is a good father but he is never with his kids. He doesnt take them anywhere or spend quality time with them.

 

Now how can he be a good father, but never does anything with them???

I might not be the best dad out there, but I play games with my son, take him to D&B's for videos, go 4-wheeling, camping, etc.

 

I guess what you typed just doesn't sound like a sound dad to me, just my opinion.

[brokenhearted29]

Okay maybe he his not a good father then. I do see good in him sometimes. He will play video games with his son sometimes but not very often. He is more concerned about what is going on outside then at home. He has always been that way.

[anna13]

Happy New year BH 29 and everyone . I am glad your week went well , mine has been going surprisingly ok as well ( knock on wood). no phonecalls could be a good or bad sign. either he told the OW it's over or he has satisfied her emotional stress somehow. Hopefully he is done with the other woman and can focus on the family more.

 

He really should be gratefull that he is allowed to stay a part of your family after the things he has done. some guys go out alot , but i have to say that I am not comfortable with you not knowing if he spent the night home or not , of course you cant wait up for him all the time because you have a life too and need your rest , but that just doesnt sound good . he is selfish , he thinks of himself alot more then you and the kids as you know . hopefully things will continue to get better.

 

some men are just so in tune with themselves and are thoughtless when it comes to other peoples feelings. but they should still be responsible enough to let you know where they are going to spend there time. I mean what if there is a health emergency with the kids or yourself and you dont know where he is . your H just better hope nothing like that ever happens. some guys are great fathers and some father's are ok fathers. all men are different but i think it is the overall behavior of a guy that says it all .

 

the way he has treated you is wrong , and he has made you so unhappy and you are the mother of his children , he has not only hurt you he has hurt his family. but i dont have to tell you that. just remember to have eyes in the back of your head. no one wants to be in relationship where you have to watch your back but I think in some cases it is a good idea at least for a little while.

 

your H doesnt deserve your trust unless he has proven himself trustworty to you. and if he does want your full trust he needs to prove himself for a little long while. but like i said I am glad that he seems to be more available to you , that is a sign of improvemnt. just have to see if he continues . I have been thinking of you , I am glad that your week is going good .

[brokenhearted29]

The reason I dont know if he comes home on the weekends is because I work every weekend 3rd shift. But it doesnt matter becasue he is back to his old ways. The last two nights he has not been home. He gives me excuses that he is going out of town with a friend. He cant give me what I need! And I'm tired of trying to make it work. I have fought for him enough! Sometimes I just want to call this girl and just tell her that he is all hers for now until he finds someone else. Then that will be her problem not mine. I know that I'm better off by myself. Its just so hard to take the first step and leave him. I'm so afraid of what he will do. I dont want to put my kids through that drama. And that is exactly what he will do. He does not care if he hurts me or the kids as long as he gets what he wants. Its always about him. I'm not very good with change. And thats what I need a big change in my life. I need to be free!!!!!!!! Free from the drama and stress. I dont want to divorce this man but I think thats my only option. So why cant I just do it?

[debilou]

A few pages back you asked if your H really loves you ? ? ?

 

When my STBXH and I were in counseling he actually asked the counselor "what is love?" The counselors answer: LOVE is an action. We do loving things for people we love.

 

You already know the answers to your own questions. Sometimes it helps us see it a little more clear when others point it out.

 

Your H is playing with you. I'm very sorry for you. I know how bad it hurts.

 

Debilou

[anna13]

. I dont want to divorce this man but I think thats my only option. So why cant I just do it?

at this point you know he isnt good to you , you know in fact that you would be happier without all the stress that HE is causing you and in turn causing your children . The reason I think that you do not want to be divorsed is many reasons. And many reasons that i think many women share .

*You are probobly afraid to see him in clear light, you dont want to see the true dark side, there is always a comfort in thinking that maybe he isnt as bad as you think he is .

 

You will see the worst in him come out , especially since you seem to get the feeling that he is going to TRY to make it more difficult for you .let me just say that obviously divorse is never really smooth. especially when there is money , infedelity and children involved. this is why it is important to have an attorney giving you the information you need so that you dont get screwed over. if one partner is hostile then that is the way it is going to be , cant really do anything about that .

 

 

*you dont want your children to hurt or be disapointed about you and your husband not working out,

You might be thinking that the kids will be upset and they will be so hurt because they got used to him being back home. your kids will get hurt but they are hurting now already. kids are smart they know when things are not right . the important thing to think about is that yes they will hurt but as long as you are a rock with their scheduals and their activities and you are on top of things they will be ok , even if your H tries to seperate them , they will know who made that decision and it isnt your fault. kids adapt .

 

* you are afraid that you will be in a worse situation then you are now .

I think that you are already in a bad situation and it is hard to imaging worse. right now , you are with a man that you don't feel that he loves you 100% and he is in love with a OW and you are constantly concerned about the kids feelings , your feelings his feelings . You are taking all the burden . just imagine a future with you and your children , without having to wonder on a daily basis who he loves , where he is , ect...

 

* You dont want to let go of the dreams that you had for your future togehter.

The dreams you have are still there for yourself. you know , if a dream doesnt work out then dream another dream they say .

 

* you dont want the other women to feel like she won .

Obviously she is losing, and will always be the loser, first of all she is the OW , he wanted both sides of the fence , he keeps her a secret like she is something to be ashamed of , you know she feels that. and if he does stay with her after your divorse , well you have been married to him , you know what she got to look forward to .. betrayal , lies, manipulation ... it isnt even worth calling her and telling her she can have him . so dont do that . She isnt that important .

 

Please go speak to an attorney if you havent already .try to look past this right now , look in the future , you happy working , free of worry , your kids will eventually be fine , and thriving , you no longer worry , wonder , or analize your life . your comfortable , happy , outgoing , and you have your own dreams . you can travel , join a gym , go out with girlfriends or even make new friends. now doesnt that sound nice. instead of him and his ow ? you need to have an attorney to tell you how to apraoch things, you can tell your attorney that you think that your H might try to hit you below the belt , that way the attorney will know how to deal with this situation. you do need to be free, if you have that feeling inside you , then why are you fighting it , if you want it ,,, get it . I know it is hard to let go , but you have tried , he has broken his vows , he has already ended the marriage even though it isnt on paper. look ahead and take one step in front of the other, dont argue with him any more,. think of it as a business interaction now . not personal . . that is the best way to get through it . Hang in there .

[brokenhearted29]

Well today on his lunch break we got to talk shortely. I asked him how much longer are we going to go through this. He said he didnt know. Then he brought up what I did 3 years ago to him. I cheated on him 3 years ago. Yeah i made a mistake and i never did it again. So now he says this still bothers him. So I told him that if that still bothered him after 3 years then what are we doing. He said he loves me alot and he is trying to deal with it. I dont think this is bothering him at all its just another way to kill time so he can be gone.

Do u know whats so funny when i'm not around him I feel so strong. I go over in my head what i'm going to say to him but then when he gets in front of me I dont say it. This house I am living in is in my name and I am paying for it. Well he had the nerve last time to say i Had to get out. This is his house. He has only been working for the last 6 months so he has not put much money to this house. I guess what he meant was that he did alot of work to it. I was calling a attorney the other day to see what my options were and when i started dialing the phone number guess who started calling my cell phone. My H called the cell so i hung up the other phone and didnt call back. I know that i need to call the attorney back. And i promise I will on Monday. I also going to stop calling my h cell phone. i'm going to avoid contact with him. He doesnt come home but for a hour so that should be pretty easy. He says that on the weekends he comes home becasue i'm not here but i dont beleive it.

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my posts. My H said that i need to go get some new friends. Well he doesnt know it I already have new friends right here.

[brokenhearted29]

I started reading back on my posts and i cant beleive how far I have came and I'm still dealing with this stuff. I wish i could say that things were better but they are not. I didnt get a chance to call an attorney today becasue I had to work extra. But I do plan on calling tommorrow. Good news i met someone online. I was just searching for a friend and this guy came out of no where. He is 13 years older then me and I'm alittle uncomfortable with that but Its not like we are dating or anything. Hes a real cool dude and I enjoy talking to him. Who noes what will happen. But I first have to get out of my situation before I will get myself into another one.

[anna13]

the way your husband bends words around gives me think about my H , my H likes to say everything i have done wrong but wont even admit of his wrong doings,

He says that on the weekends he comes home becasue i'm not here

mine says cold things like that like , Im only here cause your not , ( not exactly that but youknow what i mean ) . well more about that on my soon to be post. an attoryney would be good for you to start doing things that you are in control of. It will give you a clearer picture and help you feel less helpless. It is really tough I know , since i am going through this emotional back and forth as well. it takes alot to get to the place you are . I am glad you are going to at least talk to an attorney, at this point i think it is a good idea. as for this new guy friend, it is good to have other men to talk to I think , definitly take things slow if you do have interest in this older man ,

But I first have to get out of my situation before I will get myself into another one.

i definitly agree with that . your doing good for yourself , keep your head up .

[brokenhearted29]

Well i did it! I talked to an attorney and he said to call him back Thursday. I feel good but at the same time I'm scared. My husband came home from work today and gave me some money. He says he has been doing extra things for people for money and thats why he hasent been home. So he gave me some extra money and i took myself out and drink and ate on it. Well then he said he had to go and he would talk to me later. I hate him for doing me like this! Cant he see that i dont want the money all i want is HIM! I think i'm going to call him tommorrwo and tell him that its over and he knows it. So lets just move on with our life. I checked my cell phone bill and he has called her several times out of the month. Her number is on there. I am not important to him and I have to deal with that. I am feeling alittle depressed right now so i'm going to get off.

[anna13]

no dont tell him anything ... get a plan because if you give him a heads up he might use it against you . your H is really good at his game isnt he . i mean even reading your post it is like ~ oh he gave you money that was nice ,,, and then what? he has called the girl several times ? I cant imagine the roller coaster you are going through . well i actually can a bit but just remember to take care of yourself and make sure you are covered . divorse isnt final till both parties sign the divorse papers so till then I would have to say just dont share info with you H right now. he knows your hurting and he still does what he does. giving him info wont hurt him it will help him hurt you more. please be cautious.

[brokenhearted29]

Well tonight my husband came home from work and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride with him. So we went for a ride and he took me to all the places where he is hanging out at. I told him that this is doing no good for our marriage. I dont want to see where u are hanging out at. So I told him how i felt and that i'm lonely and need him right now. He once again said he knew it was wrong for him to be gone all the time but thats how he deals with everything that is going on. So I told him thats the wrong way to deal with it. Its going to cost him his family. After I told him this I left it alone. I think i was pretty clear on how I felt and what I needed from him. Well he left to clear his mind. I'm sure he wont be home till early morning. I'm trying to stay cool because my sons birthday is Sunday. And then i was thinking about maybe a legal seperation. i can go get it without him knowing and then tell him. There is so many things running through my mind. I know that this man does not deserve a wife at all but this wife does not deserve a divorce. I never thought i would do this. I only wanted to get married once. This has crushed my dreams on marriage and happiness.

[anna13]

There is so many things running through my mind. I know that this man does not deserve a wife at all but this wife does not deserve a divorce. I never thought i would do this. I only wanted to get married once. This has crushed my dreams on marriage and happiness.

I can feel where you are coming from , we dont deserve divorce, we dont deserve to feel abandoned, and our dreams dont deserve to be crushed , but the reality is they have been crushed.

Well tonight my husband came home from work and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride with him. So we went for a ride and he took me to all the places where he is hanging out at. I told him that this is doing no good for our marriage. I dont want to see where u are hanging out at. So I told him how i felt and that i'm lonely and need him right now.

It sounds like he is trying toopen up to you , I would tell you to not be so angry at him but then there is the matter of the other woman , and him staying out all night . my H says he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it . I think it is a very selfish concept . I think of course you can do whatever but you have to consider the feelings of your wife and try to meet half way . he sounds like he doesnt want to meet you half way . my H is the same way . they may truly want to work things out with us , maybe they want to stay married to us , but they dont realize that we are actually not happy with them and keeping the marriage together is up to us in the end . we are the ones choosing how much we want to put up with . like you said he shows you all this that he is doing as if to say ...hey i am telling you that I am admitting I am doing all this and that and I know your unhappy with it but since I did tell you why i am doing it , then you should be happy . but I am going to continue to do it anyway . I hate that , it is just so retarted. my H is like that too just so one sided and narrow minded of them . they need to do their own thing too sure, but i think that they should say ... hey my wife is really unhappy about this maybe i should get home earlier so she wont be so upset ... but they just feel like they are entitled to hurt our feelings all the time. Like you said one time.... yea , enjoy it buddy till the day comes when I stop caring and you can be alone without the one woman that actually Loved you and you can say goodbye to the family that WAS yours.

[brokenhearted29]

My husband does not want to meet me half way. He wants to do as he pleases. And you are right I am very unhappy with my marriage and I made that clear to him the last time we spoke. I know that it is all up to me to either end the marriage or keep my family together. I hate the pressure that i'm going through. I always try to think of my kids first and what they need. I know that my husband is not there for them right now but if I was to get a divorce he would make so much drama for me and the kids. I dont want the kids to go through that but at the same time I dont want to keep feeling like this. You know people have said that I would start to feel angary and then I would just up and leave. I am angary at him and at myself but yet I still want to make it work. Why I dont know when this man has not been honest with me. I have done this for 10 years and I'm scared of change. I guess I'm really scared of how happy I can be without him. Talking to other men online helps me realize that there are good men out there that want me. My whole life I have had a hard time standing up to people. I will let them walk all over me and thats where my problem is. I do realize that I have a problem and that once I fix it I will be a better person.

[brokenhearted29]

Well surprisely my sons birhtday party went very well. My husband was there and we got along just fine. We seen some friends of ours and we were talking about marriage and he told them that him and I was forever and that we would never get a divorce. I kind of just looked at him like WOW! I'm glad he is sure of that, but I'm not. Well after the party he went his own way but is suppose to be at home later becasue I have to work. So we will see if he shows up and what his attitude is.

[anna13]

Reading your situation really hits home since it has it's similarities to my situation, I am glad your day was good and he said that , I had a day like that yesterday .. all of a sudden they act like everything is fine and you have nothing to worry about. I just hate the back and forth that your H does and my H as well. one day it is all going to hec and the next everything is so wonderfull. I think our H's have a screw loose if you ask me . I hope that your H has reached some epiphany , I hope the same for mine . as for me i am still on guard. weary and concerned deep inside. dont let him all the way in again at least not till he really proves himself over time. just be aware that he may be just trying to play the "good guy" in front of the friends. i hope he shows up and his attitude is still good.