having a tough time today

[brokenhearted29]

Well he did show up. I kind of feel like I cant do anything right for him anymore. He asked for a massage on his back so I said okay. I started giving it to him and he said that was enough when I know it wasent. He acted like I didnt do a good enough job. And that really hurt my feelings. I kind of feel like I am compared to her. Like she is a better women than me. If so then why the hell is he still with me. He thinks he can just take his son anyways so why is he still hanging around? I really wonder about this.

[anna13]

do you know if "she" is still in the picture? you know , you dont have to go out of your way to prove to him you are a better woman than his ow. dont feel like you have to compare to her . you are you and that is just fine. we have to come to a certain point and say, that we know we want to work it out , this is true because we , as frustrated and betrayed as we feel , have not filed for divorse ourselves. our men are not perfect and we seem to really understand how imperfect they are. since your H is saying that he wants to work it out ( that is what i am taking it as ) then i would say just put your best foot forward , but let it be your own self, we always doubt ourselves and say well i asumed this or that and then we get confused to who is the one who is hurting who. but if we put our own best foot forward and it still cant work then we know that we arent the problem ( and honestly i didnt ever believe that we are most at fault as our men seem to try to covince us we are) . It is very hard i know to even try to trust, since we have no good reason too and you surely dont want to be hurt even more. I would have to just say try to just stay focused on being yoruself day to day and just keep your eyes and ears open . If he thinks you are watching him he may try to be on his best behavior. let him think your guard is down , this is when you will see his true self come out . this week I have decided to have a no outgoing call policy , meaning that i am not calling my H this week . if there is a call with me and him he is the one who is going to call. being needy is the worse thing that we can do to ourselves , we werent needy when we met them right? ... so why be now ? . hang in there , you are not alone .

[brokenhearted29]

Do I actually think that the OW is still invloved? Yes I do. The other night when I had to go to work and my H was here the phone rang at 1030pm and noone said anything on the other line. I know it was her calling to see where he was. Pretty bad when you have to check to see if your man is with his wife. I'm not really stressing about the way he made me feel. I know I am a terrific person and can make a person feel good inside and out. If she makes him feel better than i do then great for them. He should go be with her and make it forever.

This morning he came in around 5 am and woke me up. He looked like he wanted to talk but all he had to say was I cant say no to my friends. He said he knows that he needs to be home he just doesnt know how to stop hanging out. Well the way I see it is he should of never married if he wasent ready to leave his friends alone. And now he has a choice his friends or his wife and he has chose his friends. I think me leaving him for good will make him open up his eyes. Sooner or later something has to give. Either we will be happy together or we will find happiness outside of the marriage. I thought about telling him that I want a seperation again. That way I am free to do what I want without him checking me out. I can talk to my online buddies anytime. And he can continue to do excatly what he is doing. I have not talked to him about this but I am thinking about it.

[anna13]

it is a huge decision , it has crossed my mind before too with my H . definilty dont say anything out of anger or frustration . say it when your ready or have a lawyer just serve him when the time comes. if it does. It is really pathetic that this OW has to call , like you said , her boyfriend's wife's house to see where he is at. can you imagine the self esteem of this lady , she obviously has no confidence , if she is calling your place that late... she has no idea what is going on with your H . do you think he is through with her and she is just trying to reach him in desperation? do you think that he might actually be going out with friends ? I am wondering because to me , her calling late like that doesnt make sence. . if they are on the same sidewalk they would have a plan when to talk and meet it would not be this way where she would call his wife .. i would think anyway .

 

This morning he came in around 5 am and woke me up. He looked like he wanted to talk but all he had to say was I cant say no to my friends

he woke you up to say that ? lol ... I would have been so annoyed , I would have been like ok thanks for that go away now i need my sleep ! lol . .. he has guilt ? or just trying to keep you calm at him ? who knows right ?

 

He said he knows that he needs to be home he just doesnt know how to stop hanging out

does he have macho friends that egg him on to stay out or something , do they harass him if he doesnt go out? .. your H might have an self esteem issue , does he seem really insecure sometimes? seems like he i trying to prove soemthing to himself or to others. I have a girlfriend who's husband always goes out with his friends , she has had it with him but cant go anywhere because of her financial situation . she has completely just ignored him and doesnt say anything to him when he comes back from his outings , it used to be years ago that she was upset all the time, calling him all the time , now she tells me her H is the one that follows her around and asks her if she loves him .. isnt that wierd... Is that what it takes with some men , we have to just be really unavailable emotionally? she still wants to leave him , she just can't ( financially) . i thought i would share .

[brokenhearted29]

You ask if I think he is through with her, well no I dont. She is the type of person that would call me and cause problems. Everytime they had problems she would could my cell phone telling me things. So once they are finished I think I will know about it. You are right about her. What type of woman should have to call your boyfreinds wife to see where he is. Tonight he is home sleeping on the couch. I'm not sure if he is going to stay all night or not but she has already called hanging up. OHH! And yesterday my friend called me. I will make a long story short. We have known this girl for a long time and her daughter got a cell phone. So she was getting numbers out of her moms cell phone and putting them in hers. Well my friend had my H number as well as mine. Her daughter put the number in her phone just so she could have some numbers and feel important. Well the other day she was calling out and realized she was calling the wrong person so she hung up after the second ring. And she was calling my H number. Well a few minutes after that someone called her cell phone private cursing her out. This girl is 13 years old! So this shows what type of person this OW is. She is very insecure! She reminds me how I use to be years ago with this man but not anymore. So I guess she got the number out of his cell phone and thought it was some other woman. Its so funny she gets mad when another woman calls but he has a wife at home and that seems to be okay. I dont get it! I did not say anyting to my H about this becasue I really didnt care. I thought about saying something just to let him know that I know whats going on. He should already know that I know but he acts like I dont. He plays stupid like everything is okay. I do think my husband has some issues. He always looks depressed. Like he is not really happy with his life. He may have some self-esteem problems becasue he is always buying a new outfit everyweek when he has tons. I' m not for sure becasue he seems to think that he looks good. Well we will see if she calls back or if he leaves.

[brokenhearted29]

Well i'm sure you are not surprised that he left. He woke up and said why did u let me sleep. Were u just trying to keep me here. I told him it didnt matter either way. He wasent paying any attetion to me anyways. So he left and she did not call back.

[anna13]

Well i'm sure you are not surprised that he left. He woke up and said why did u let me sleep. Were u just trying to keep me here.

he is so full of himself isnt he. I dont even know what to say to that one. he needs to be put in his place somehow. the question is how. he definitly needs a wake up call . you should just go see where he meets this OW. if you see them together it may shake you up enough to just slam the understanding door in his face.

[brokenhearted29]

i HAVE THOUGHT about spying on him but hes a waste of my time. I have better things to do. Well over the weekend he caught me off guard. I was asleep and he got in the bed with me and made me, well lets just say he made me hot. I was trying to hold back but i couldnt. I dont want him to have it both ways but damn he caught me off guard and lonely. Last night he stayed home all night. I just dont know what to think about him. So far tonite he has not came back yet. He has really looked really depressed and I asked him whats wrong and he tells me that he has a lot on his mind. I cant force him to talk about it and besides i'm not sure I really want to hear whats on his mind. I reallly dont care anymore! Yes I still love this man but just dont give a damn. He has put me through so much **** and I will never be the same again. Now all i have to do is get enough nerves to leave him for good. I always think about how we could be but he will never be that way. We are not enough for him and he does not give me what I need. The question is what am I doing? I really dont know anymore what I'm doing to myself. Theres a side of me that just wants to be alone and then theres a side that wants to work it out.

[anna13]

I think that we always want to think that things wil workout , we dont really want to believe that we are being "played". It is really hard , I know it isnt like a lightswitch, you cant just say that's it "off" and go on with your life . I know it is hard . Sometimes if you really feel like there is a chance of happiness with your H then your going to stick it out. nothing wrong with that , but as you know there is a big risk that you will or any of us that are going through this kind of situation , will end up being devistated later on . and sometimes we just cant let go till that happens.

 

The question is what am I doing? I really dont know anymore what I'm doing to myself.

No one can answer that but you , my opinion is that you are hoping for the best , and nothing is wrong with that , I just hope that he does not hurt you further or any more than he has already.

I dont want to give you any negatives but you dont think that he wants to break it off with her but there is a "reason" he cant break ties with her ? I know~ unlikely but you said he is depressed , maybe there is a reason that has to do with the OW? ...

your husband sounds like he has a connection with you , a reason that he stays with you , that is good , but there seems to be something there in him that is stopping him from giving you everything . the question is what is that part of him and why .

[brokenhearted29]

He must care enough because he is still doing this. Honestly that doesnt hurt my feelings anymore. But if he really wanted something with her then why not leave me and go get it. Now I'm starting to think its because of the house and all of the material things in it. But I really dont think thats the case because he is never here. So my next thought is the kids. But then again he really is never with them either or less he has to be. Yeah he will come see them every day after work but then he leaves. So then I think maybe its me. Maybe this man truly loves me. How can that be when he treats the way he does. He has love for me but he is not in love with me. He tells me all the time that he loves me so who knows. The other night he was here for alittle awhile and he left and tells me to call him around 10pm. So I said for what, he said he is coming home tonite. So I said whatever and never called him but he ended up calling me. Well the next morning I had to be at school at 6am and when I left the house he was no where to be found. So its pretty obvious that he did not come home. The next day I was going to sit down with him and talk to him about the situation but I didnt. I always get scared when it actually comes down to talking to him about it. Maybe I'm scared of what will happen when my fellings are out in the open. But then i thought about it and thought why not just collect his money for now and deal with it until I graduate and then I can be happy. I dont know how this will work but it is a thought.

[anna13]

If you know he is seeing this OW still you really have to just say that it is unacceptable. if he is breaking it off with the OW and is trying to work it out with you that is one thing but if he is seeing you and her , that is different. I know you are afraid that it will get messy if you guys divorse you said that he would make it very hard for you . you cant let that stop you . if he loves you he would just say i am not going to see this OW anymore and thats that. and he would tell her on the speaker phone in front of you " i am standing here with my wife and I am telling you that i love my wife and I dont want you calling here anymore i dont want to have anything to do with you anymore" and then have you say "goodbye". that would be proof in the pudding. I have even been trying to rationalize your H's behavior. but it seems to just go in circles with his guessing games. it gets old. dont let your fear hold you back , this life is short , take action . and if the you know what hits the fan so be it . no one is perfect , no one's life is perfect , everyone has pain and struggles to conquer. for your marriage to work he needs to just say straight up what is the deal , no denials , no your keeping me here ka ka's .. and he should like i said have her on speaker phone and let her know that you are number one and not her and she needs to just go away . if he cant do that i really dont think he loves you . maybe he loves the security of a family at home but why do him favors ? this is your life too not just his. stay strong and demand what you deserve.

[brokenhearted29]

Well my husband once again came home at 5 am. I was up getting ready for school. He tries to kiss up on me and tells me about 10 different times that he loves me so much. I never once told him I love u back. So tonite i called him on his cell phone and of course he does not answer the phone but he comes home a few hours later to check up on me. So we talked for a few minutes and I told him whats up with him being gone until 5am. He said he is not always gone all night he just has a hard time sleeping. So he moves around alot. Alot of his friends are no good and are up around that time. I really belevie that he is still involved with her but I'm not absoutely sure. She hasent called me. I told him that he is putting his friends first but he didnt say nothing. Then he told me that he had to confess about something but he got distracted and didnt tell me. I told him that I DONT CARE ANYMORE. And i dont. But I want to be allowed to do what I want and the only way i can do that is if i get him out of my life. He was checking my phone tonight and asking me who this was. And he was checking my computer. I hate that! Becacause I have to hide things from him. Enough Is Enough! I'm going to talk to him tommorrw again and see what he had to confess about and see if we can talk some more. Maybe hes ready to come forward. I hardly doubt it but we will see.

[brokenhearted29]

Well i never got the chance to talk to him about the other day. But more drama has happened. His job has let him go! So now he is unemployed. He says that they let 6 other people go as well, but i'm going to look into it and see if this is true. So he comes home and tells me this and then tells me that he is leaving tonite to go to Florida for the superbowl. He has talked about going for the last week or two so I knew he was thinking about it. But I didnt expect for him to leave on a Wednesday night. So I'm trying to put everything together and he has lost his job the same night he supposely has left to Florida. I am wondering if he quite his job. I think this is my time to do what i got to do. I often wonder if he is really going to Florida or if he is really still here or if he is going with her. That breaks my heart because we went to Florida a year ago. But I'm not going to let it bother me. It is time to get revenge. I'm hoping to get my income tax by Friday and that will give me some time to either get a seperation or divorce. I need to do something now. I was trying to wait until I graduate but i dont think i can wait anymore. He said he is suppose to call so we will see if he calls or not. I really think this is a sign for me. Maybe this is it.

[anna13]

it is strange that he lost his job and taking a trip .. i know it is the superbowl but it is still strange . i wondered that too if he is taking the OW out of town . So aggrivating , i know you said you are unsure if he is seeing th eow or not but i tell you the way he acts he is pretty much telling you that , so it isnt your fault that you suspect him it is his. you need and deserve peace of mind . you shouldnt have to live this way . neither should I or anyone. but that will be on my post ..lol .

I think that if you have a strong feeling that something isnt right it most likely isnt . sometimes we think it is better if we wait for this or that to happen first before we do anything but sometimes the to do list never ends and nothing gets done . when you take control of your life you will feel better and you can take your power back. even if he wasnt seeing this ow ~ the way he answers your questions half-A** is so not a good sign . i struggle myself with understanding my situation too . but i think you may be at that point already where thats it , you know your life can be better than this... and what i try to remember is that there is more to life then just your window sill , there is more out there you know what i mean , sometimes we are so consumed with our own small piece of the world that we cant see outside of it anymore. once you can look beyond your windowsill , you will see life has so much to offer you .

[mum2three]

I think he is really jerking you around now. He is coming and going at the oddest hours. There is no stability for your son. His father is not setting a good example by treating his family like this. I know you have worked really hard to leave the door open for H.

 

If he is involved with OW, does he plan on moving out for good? It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. You and your son deserve so much more. Can you make it financially since he just got laid off? I would be weary of him taking trips when you may not be able to afford it. Just be careful. I hope this wk will be better. Most of us take it one day at a time here.

 

Have you thought of a plan if you don't want him back?

[brokenhearted29]

I have thought about what I should do while he is gone but then he ends up calling me and I dont do it. I have talked to him twice since he has been gone. I never called him he has called me both times. I really just want to sit down with him and discuss this. The fact that it is really over. I'm okay with it I just have to find a way to let go. I'm use to this life and its hard to let go. Yeah I still love him but I look at him differently now. Do I want to work things out? If he came to me tommorrow and confessed about everything then yes I would work it out but I dont see this happening. Like you said mum he wants his cake and is eating too. And I know i am allowing him to do this. I guess when it is time I will know. And I think it is coming close. I just want to be stress free. Either move on or work it out. I have a great guy that wants to meet me but I'm scared to do that right now. So I will take one day at a time

[anna13]

it isnt that easy to let go , i should know, we know what is the best for us but yet there is something there that holds us back , the might be's . it has to just come to a point where your husband makes it clear that he doesnt have any intention of changing. right now he is giving you what you want to hear. he know's the "magic words" to get you off his case. but eventually he will show his true colors. you want to work it out, that is the thing , and it isnt a bad thing , your H isn't putting his side in this effort obviously. I dont think you have reached the anger stage yet. i think you are still absorbing what is going on .. , you know you can't rush life. It will move along at the pace it wants to . Follow your deep felt feelings, and your intuition. intuition is a good thing. take it one day at a time , things can change from bad to good , or good to bad, time will tell. I think you know that you want to leave but you want him to prove that your right in leaving him . remember you dont have to justify to anyone, if your not happy then your not happy . it is your life your choice.

[brokenhearted29]

I agree Anna, he does tell me things that I want to hear and that keeps me hanging on. Last night he calls me and asks what I was doing. He tells me that he wishes he could be there right next to me and that he needs my strength. So then he proceeds to tell me that he will be home soon. Well he did not show up of course and I asked him what happend. He said that he got into something and couldnt make it home. So today he was here when i was here becasue he has no job and he tells me over and over again that he wants a baby. So I went off on him and tell him that I'm not having a baby for him. I told him that he is not around for us now. He said that if he has a baby he will be around more often. What kind of bull**** is that. I told him that he has some issues. And he tried to have sex with me and I told him no. He is nasty to go back and forth between us. You think she would know that he tries to get some from me. I guess all she cares about is where he is at nite becasue he is with her. But that doesnt mean he isnt out there doing her wrong during the daytime. Stupid! He also held me and I will admit that felt damn good to be held. But it doesnt have to be him that is holding me. So he calls me tonite and tells me that he really loves me and that he will be home later. I'm tired of this. I know that i've said this before but its getting old. I checked my cell phone bill and saw her number on there so yes I know that he is still fooling with her. During his trip to where ever he ended up at over superbowl weekend, he called her so that explains to me that they were not together. My first step is too cancel his cell phone. that is my plan for tommorrow. First I think I will talk to him about it. I'm going to let him know why I'm canceling him and see what he will say. Regardless what he says i'm going to do it. I'm the one paying for the bills now. And i'm not paying for him to talk to her. the funny thing was that on the bill my number was listed first and then her number. He called me first and then called her right after. Sometimes it was the opposite. This man has two woman and he enjoys it. Its time to make his life a living hell.

[anna13]

He said that if he has a baby he will be around more often. What kind of bull**** is that

That is total BS!!! he knows your kids are getting older and that you having a baby would keep you grounded and with him ... what an ass!

Last night he calls me and asks what I was doing. He tells me that he wishes he could be there right next to me and that he needs my strength.

wow that calling to see what your doing , is exactly what my H does, exept that he stops there.. .. I wonder , is this a way they keep us thinking they care? uggh ... i hate it is it all just a game to them ? maybe huh .

 

During his trip to where ever he ended up at over superbowl weekend, he called her so that explains to me that they were not together. My first step is too cancel his cell phone. that is my plan for tommorrow. First I think I will talk to him about it.

why talk to him about it ? your paying the bills so who cares what he thinks . talking to him about it is just doing him a favor , he can just explain to hi OW that you are cancelling the phone and she will be like ok ,,, just cut the line with the phone . if he gets mad so what , he is messing with another woman ~ maybe she thinks he is paying for his own crap . let him explain why he doesnt have a cell phone anymore.

 

why dont you call this OW and just tell her crap .. like "tell my H to stop asking me for sex . it is annoying." . or "my H is telling me that you annoy him , why dont you call him a bit less so he isnt so stressed out" .. i know it is wacky but have some fun already , she is annoying and so is your H . If he says something to you , just say that "she isnt your girlfriend so who cares, I dont " .... sry just my annoyance with your H talking . my H is equally annoying. just wait men , that is what i say ... just wait.

[brokenhearted29]

You really think i should call her. I thought you once said not to waste my time on her. During the night when I know he is with her I call his phone over and over again just to annoy her. I would think that would annoy her but i'm not sure about anything. Last night he came home kind of early. It must of been 2 am. He actually got in the bed next to me when i was sleeping. He must be getting tired of her since he doesnt have a job. I'm going to take your advice about the cell phone and just shut him off. He does not answer the phone half of the time. He says he does not get the calls but thats bull****. He answers everyone elses calls. He is soo worthless! today he was sending money off for his son that lives in joilet. I gave him 200.00 to send off and he says he will probalby keep some becasue he has no money now. I said whatever. You are taking from your son not me. I hope that made him feel like ****. He is so sorry! What did I ever see in him.

[anna13]

You really think i should call her. I thought you once said not to waste my time on her.

that was my anger talking , it is just so hard to read and not get angry . I dont think you should waste your time talking to her about what she is doing to your marriage, but I am just getting annoyed that she knows he is married and still continues. pathetic i tell you . I guess I just want him to go through some crap , it just sounds like everything is so smooth going for him . i mean he isnt even working and your paying the bills and he is still calling this ow. what a jerk.

I would say do what you feel comfortable with , he is the adulterer ( spelling?) .. not you . just not anything too crazy that he could use against you in court if that comes about. it is just that when i read about the things he is doing he is starting to get under my skin . I dont mean to confuse you , it is just so frustrating . i think shutting his phone down is enough for now .

[brokenhearted29]

Well alot has happened in the last several days. My H and I got into it. I finally came out and told him that I knew about everything. I told him everything that was on my mind. About the OW and about him not answering his phone. I told him that I saw her number on the bill several times and that enough was enough. I also told him that I was getting really close to throwing it all away. So he threatens me and tells me that when i'm ready to let him know so that he can get his son. He then told me that the court system and the police will not keep him from his son. So anyways we talked for some time about the whole situation and he tells me once again that there is nothing going on. he calls that number becasue other people be there also that he knows. He also said that he promised on his mothers grave that nothing was going on.And he told me that he loves me soo much! Well none of this matters because in my heart I know that there is something going on. Yes i do doubt myself alittle now after are long talk. But he is a liar and will always lie as long as he gets what he wants. Sooo! My friend and I are going to spy! I have made a decision that this has gone on long enough and that I needed to know the absolute truth. I know in my heart but now I have got to see for myself. And then i can use the pictures in court. And if he not liaing then I will work on myself and my marriage. My problem is I dont know how about doing this. He doesnt work anymore and he comes in out so I dont know how to catch him. I'm not sure where to tell her to watch for him becasue i never know when he will be home and he doesnt answer his phone. Any suggestions?

[Gunny376]

Well none of this matters because in my heart I know that there is something going on

 

You don't sleep side by side someone for years, and NOT know?

[mum2three]

It's true Gunny. Your gut will tell you when something is rotten in Denmark. Brokenhearted, your H is really get the best of you. He sounds llike he'll hold onto you as long as you'll suck it up and also take care of his son. When you confronted him, he displays anger and is vengeful using his son as a weapon. This is cruel to you and the children. I don't know why WAS think alike. But my H is calling me a psycho for thinking he is in a affair when I found his stack of cell phone calls.

 

I called her the other day (see my thread). I don't think it is good BUT it put an end to my emotions for my H. I was able to release myself from him and I took down all our pics and just felt relieved. You are not going to like what she is going to say no matter what. So be prepared if you do call. It is out of anger and curiosity that we want to do these things. It gives us pain but some answers that we so badly want.

 

But pictures aren;t a bad idea if you ever need it for D case. My H is strongly denying that he met w/ her outside of work and even emailed this info to his atty. He said the office laughs at me and I should stop embarrassing myself. I guess I could care less what his coworkers think. There are two sides to every story. I don't care who you are, it is not normal to talk to someone out of your marriage to that extent that you become suspicious of something. In reference to your H calling OW after you. I noticed that I would call to see when he is coming home from work and he's call her right back after telling me that he's got one more patient.

 

Something is rotten in Denmark!!! Don't take this crap from him.

[anna13]

So he threatens me and tells me that when i'm ready to let him know so that he can get his son.

so it wasnt that he said , oh i love you , nothing is going on or let us work this out . . it was that he will get his son ? sounds like he cares only about his child and not really your emotions or the marriage, so he basically is with you to support him and his children ( since he can;t or wont himself) . and he wants to have a good time with the OW at the same time. well i think some pics would be good , i would recomend a professional PI though.