having a tough time today

[brokenhearted29]

Well, my husband came home last night. He actually stayed here all night with me and brought some of his clothes inside the house. We talked last night about everything that has happened in the last few months. He told me some things but not what I wanted to hear. He told me he knew this girl and would talk to her occasionaly but it never would go beyond that. He would'nt say much else about it. He told me that he never jepordized our marriage and wouldnt. I wonder if maybe I was wrong. I'm not sure what to think. I should be happy becasue my husband is home, but I'm not. I'm scared becasue if he is lying to me then nothing will change. But how do you get the truth out of someone when they dont want to tell. I'm worried that I will push him and then things will be back to the way they use to be. I know that things will come out eventually so maybe I should leave it alone and just be happy that I have my family back. He did acknowldege the fact that him and I have to work on our marriage. He said that we need to do things together as a family more often. So I do think he is on the right track. He also talked about his kids and how he needed to be there for them. I pray this will work. If he is telling me lies again and he doesnt come home tonight then I am done. so I guess all we can do is wait. He told me that he would prove it to me that he was ready to here with us. We will see.

[debilou]

I'm so sorry for your confusion. I've been there. Don't fall too hard. Are you in individual counseling or marriage counseling?

 

I'm feeling scared for you, but remember loveshack is here for you.

 

Take care, Debilou

[brokenhearted29]

Well good news my husband came home after he got off of work. He has been home since. So maybe things are really going to be different. I still wonder about the girl that I thought he was with but why should I worry when he is here with me. Right?

[anna13]

that is good news ! i know it is a scary thing , i can only imagine. the only thing you can do is to trrust him as hard as it sounds. you can be cautious and observant , but dont tell him your concerns he knows them already. take it day by day and live in the now . it is scary to think that you will bond with him again and that he might hurt you again , but just remember IF he does hurt you again you know that you did what you could and it isnt your fault it doesnt work . I know how scary it must be because i too have fears about the future, if my H comes back home then what ? will it be the same ? not on my side but will he leave again or will i have that hanging over my head all the time. It shakes me up thinking about it but i too am currently living in the "now " and not the before and not the later, that is all we as people can do . we can't change the past and we can't see the future. so live as happy as you can till there is a reason for you not to be happy , dont look for something bad just try to enjoy the current, . and you have this place too to speak about the good and the bad . thanks for posting on my thread . .

[anna13]

Well good news my husband came home after he got off of work. He has been home since. So maybe things are really going to be different. I still wonder about the girl that I thought he was with but why should I worry when he is here with me. Right?

exactly , he is there with you because he wants to be . it is his decision and he made it . if that girl has an interest in him than this will not be good news for her at all ( usuming there is more than a platonic friendship there) but either way the point is that he is with his family where he wants to be. no need to wonder about that girl because all you have to and can focus on is your family . she is just an outsider really. I hope that he sticks to what he says too. he sounds to me that he wants to really work it out with you . when men say that they want to they usually do mean what they say . try to think positive because it is a positive change here.

[brokenhearted29]

Well things were going great all week. He was coming home after work and we were a family again. My feelings for him grew stronger. Well last night (thursday) I mentioned something to him about people calling this house and hanging up. I also took a look at his cell phone and seen that he had restricted calls. So I said something about it and we got in a big fight. He said I would never happy untill he sat at home all the time and never hanged out with any of his friends. He clamis he does not know who this is calling. Well after our arguement he decided to go out with a few friends well he did not come home until 5 or 6 am. He called me today like nothing was wrong. And then today my grandpa died and he was there for me. He left work and came to be with me and this evening he was with me at my parents house. When we left there he said he may stop by a friends house and then he would be home. My feelings are hurt once again. I am excatly how I was 4 months ago when this all started. I cant understand why he would bring his stuff home if he was still going to do this to me. I'm thinking that maybe he got in a fight with her and now they made up. He says that I cry for nothing because there is nothing going on. Well dammit if there wasent nothing going on you would be here at 3 am. Am I right? I am so upset right now becasue I trusted him and thought things were going to be different. It took me 4 months to stop crying before and now I have another 4 months. I'm hoping he comes home real soon. Its still early. If he doesnt come home untill morning I'm not sure what to do. Any suggestions? I really need someone to talk to. I'm hurting so bad right now.

[anna13]

i think the big concern is that he is having an affair or not right? so you have to find out if he is having one or not . don't ask him if he is or not anymore. dont ask anyone he knows if he is having one . if he is not having one then your worry is hurting the relationship. If I was in your situation and i wasnt sure .. I hate to say this but i would hire a private investigator to follow him and get photos of what he is doing and with who. dont tell him you are suspicious. if there is no affair and he is just hanging out with friends then you got peace of mind . If you get photo's of him kissing another woman , then you know for sure and that is that. I know that trust should be a factor but I am just saying what I would do because that would make me too stressed. if even talking to your husband creates a fight then that is not working . If you do decide to do that don't tell him you are or that you are thinking about it , or thatyou did it . dont tell him ever. this is just something for yourself. I know that topic is debated but as long as he isnt doing anything criminal or having an affair , it shouldnt be a problem to him. I know no one likes to be followed but no one likes to sit at home wondering if their spouse is sleeping with someone else and also the fact that you can't approach him about your concerns without him lashing out at you just isnt right. just something I thought i would throw out there. hope you dont think i'm nuts for saying so .

[brokenhearted29]

Maybe I should do that. Last night I waited up until midnight and he never showed. He said he was in and out all night but I have a hard time beleiving him. Yes, that is the big question. Is he having a affair with this women or not. I cant understand why she would still be having a affair with him. She must be pretty desperate or she wouldnt be going after another womens husband. I just dont understand it! And I'm not understanding him. Why would he come home if he wasent ready to leave her alone. I'm so confused and hurt again.

[PWSX3]

I cant understand why she would still be having a affair with him. She must be pretty desperate or she wouldnt be going after another womens husband.

There is a good chance that she has problems with relationships and feels the need to have someone and it doesn't matter who it is as long as she is getting what she needs.

She is being selfish and just looking at her own needs and doesn't see herself hurting others.

Now I'm not saying they are having an affair, I'm just trying to help you see why she doesn't care if it's a married person or not.

[anna13]

I just saw a morning show that was talking about women who go after married men , there are many reasons ,according to the expert on the tv they said that sometimes these women's fathers cheated on their mother's and they do this now to somehow make it a normal thing in their minds ( i dont get that one but anyway) , they say some women are just plain competative and like the feeling of "getting" a man that belongs to someone else. , also a third reason they gave was that these women are very insecure and feel that this is the best they can do . generally mostly all "other women" are not happy is what they said on this show. so keep that in mind. hope your doing ok . hang in there.

[brokenhearted29]

Hi, I feel better now thanks. THe calls have not stopped though. THey are not as bad, but they still call. My husband and I have talked alittle but he left to go see his family this weekend. Do you know what I cant understand is why would you continue to have a affair with someone that you know that wont ever amount to anything. I guess she doesnt have the dreams of meeting the parents for the first time or even getting married. i dont think she understands what him and I have. We have been together for 10 years now. We have been through everything together (his mothers death, birth of our children, our new home, etc.)

[anna13]

I would just anser the phone with the happiest voice I had like I was the happiest woman in the world even if you arent rightnow because if there are calls to you home then maybe he called it off with this other woman (if she is one) and she just cant take it. so she can;t wait for him to call her ( if he is ) and she is calling him . if you complain to your H about the calls he will tell her to stop ... but if you just kinda laugh it off then he will tell her to stop and think she (the other woman ) is desperate and ridiculous. the fact of the matter is most men dont leave their wives for the other woman. and you said it yourself that she doesnt know what you guys have together . keep it that way , keep it something that is between you and your H so that is something that she doesnt know and cannot manipulate... of course this is all going by the asumption that he was having an affair. ...

[Antha]

BH, I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I feel like I am reading my own story (prior to me filing divorce papers). With my situation, I let this kind of crap go on for over a year. I am not a strong person by any means. In fact, I'm still confused and conflicted. In my situation, I know I did the right thing. He wouldn't stop leaving; was never at home pretty much. Crap, he wouldn't even committ to staying home on certain days, and when he DID come over and stay -- it was unsatisfying and frustrating.

 

I haven't been married as long as you, and the longer you are married, the more turmoil you probably feel -- more memories, more good times and bad, more EVERYTHING.

 

At times, you seem so strong, so in control of yourself. At others, I am transported back to my own hours of sobbing uncontrolling and looking at a picture of us and wanting to smash it because it feels like a lie. My heart ache for you because I was just there a little over two months ago.

 

Sometimes I feel like if I had done things differently...I did everything I could though. I know 100% that I fought like hell for my marriage, just like YOU are fighting for your marriage...your H isn't.

 

I don't mean to project too much of my own situation on yours. They are similar, but no one's marriage is exactly the same. If I could tell you anything, I would tell you to be appreciative of the people in your life who care about you, be appreciative of what good things are in your life.

 

I know this may seem mean, but you need to tell him to "***** or get off the pot". This can't go on forever and it's already been going on for WAY TOO LONG. Ask yourself -- how much more of this can you handle? How many more days can you stand to **hope** he calls you, or hope that he decides to realize what blessings he has?

 

However, I don't think you are done. I think, like me, you are stubborn and don't want to give up on your marriage. You don't want to lose him, you just want this to start heading in a positive direction, just SOME SIGN that he wants his family, that he wants his wife, that he wants to be a good father and a good husband.

 

You say you enjoy some of the free time away from him -- no matter what the outcome, keep learning to enjoy having your alone time. It will benefit you whether or not he comes back.

 

Enjoying some of the time that my H wasn't there is what is getting me through a lot of tough times now. I enjoyed that I could read at night without him complaining that the light from the lamp was bugging him. I enjoyed that I could watch tv shows that he absolutely hated. I enjoyed that I didn't have to watch any episodes of 'Cops' or 'World's Best Police Chases'. I enjoyed being able to take a shower by myself and not having him around to use all my expensive shampoo (he's bald, so it pissed me off).

 

You will have good moments, and you will have weak moments. However it turns out, I know you can get through it. Please be strong and please, think of yourself. Appreciate YOURSELF as you have been.

 

Antha

[brokenhearted29]

You are right I dont want to end my marriage but after tonight I think its the only way. THe girl he has been messing with called my house and talked to me tonight. She told me that they have been messing around but she didnt know about me. She thought I was out of the picture. I guess they got in a argument and thats why she called. Well of course he tells me something different. He says its one of his buddies girlfriends trying to start problems. Why is that men cant admitt to anything. He tells me not to listen to her and that we have kids to think about. Well dammit that is all I have thought about was my kids. It is time to think about myself! I'm so hurt and confused right now. I want to beleive my husband but how can i after everything he has put me through. I know he doesnt deserve us, but he is all I know. He is my life! I'm having a real hard time right now. I dont know what to beleive. I think I'm going to put my head in a pillow and not wake up untill tommorrow.

[anna13]

I dont think a buddy's girlfriend is making trouble , that's just really stupid , if that was the case he shouldnt be upset with you , he should be upset with that girl . he does not deserve you . and you deserve better then this. at least you know for sure that something is going on and it wasnt all in your head like he has been trying to make like it is .

the way he has been messing with your head is soo unforgivable . you do what you feel you have to do . he is the one who screwed things up . and since they ( the affair ) are fighting already maybe he is learning very slowly that the grass is not greener on the other side . I think maybe the other woman did that because she is desperate for you to either throw out your H or divorce him. Your H should just come out and say it ( admit it ) maybe you can tell him that you will stay together and continue to work on things as long as he tells youeverything that happened and is going on . to tell you who this woman is and why they are fighting ,. just total honesty. tell him he must never talk or see or be near this woman again even if he has to change his job if not ~ tell him then that the marriage will be over.. I am not telling you what to do , just feel so angry for you (at him) . he needs a serious that is it moment. and if he choses the other woman , or not doing what you ask rergarding this other woman then that should be it . I think anyway . you will always have a rerlationship with this man married or not you have been through alot together and D is not goodbye . . it is just you no longer want to be married ,, to him . Hang it there , be strong. I am just so bothered that you had your hopes up and this desperate woman wants to screw it up and your H too . I would say think about things for a few days . be at peace. let you H and this OW worry about things... you just think about what you want to do and this situation.you got time to think about things , your H doesnt want to leave you rightnow . just think about that too . HUGS >>> hang in there! and remeber do what will make you happy , so if staying with him makes you happy then ok , if D him makes you happy then D him. like I said you have time .

[debilou]

I would suggest a book called "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. Take care. Debilou

[brokenhearted29]

Thanks! I think I cried myself to sleep last night. I cant beleive this is really happening. I'm not sure why becasue this is what I thought was going on. And now I know the truth and I know what I should do its just doing it. I'm so scared of what will happen. This man is not going to make a divorce easy. He already said hes not leaving this house or his kids. Last night he slept on the couch and came upstairs when I was a sleep and got in the bed. I feel like I am second. He is not with her so he is with me. Do you know what I mean?Why cant i be strong and do for me. I'm always thinking about this man who treats me like ****.

Anna, I'm going to try one more time talking to him about it. He already denied it last night so I doubt anything will change. But right now I'm going to just sit back and wait. I wonder if he talked to her again. Last night after calling my house and loosing connection she called my cell phone private. Well my husband came in and ended that conversation so I thought she would call back but she hasent. So I'm thinking that he has talked to her. I told her that she wasent the only one having intercourse with my husband. So I'm not sure if this means she is threw with him or not. I guess we will wait and see. I really dont need this right now. I have school to concentrate on and then this. I just dont think I can do a divorce while i am in school. But do I really want to wait for 6 months. This is so hard but I know I will get through it some how. I just have to concentrate on my grades right now. I'm going to walk down the line with a cap and gown on and that means alot to me. Especially since I havent done that for 10 years. Well thanks for listening.

[kandi r]

I know your having a hard time right now. Trying to do school and dealing with your yo yo husband. I feel for you. I have learned through experience. My mother has been married to my father for about 29 yrs. there about 49 and 50 today. There are so many times I seen my mother cry for my dad. He would leave or come home late. It got to where I was older to understand what was going on.

 

There was times I would hear her cry on the bed. He has put her through so much. I learned that my mother loves him even though he has been a real ass hole of a husband and sometimes father at times. I know he stays out late still. Because when I go over its about 1 am on friday and he is not home. I don't ask her about it. She seems to deal with it. I think through the years she became used to it. She loves him dearly still. I know because I did ask her.

 

They are married for so long and still are together. I guess love between a man and woman well only they can understand it. Its hard because you want to hate the one who is hurting the marriage but the one who loves the marriage is letting it happen. I know at times my father has threatened to divorce. But mom just says then divorce me but I am keeping the land, home , cars and everything. My brother and me are way past 21 yrs of age. They are still together.

 

I guess they will remain. But I can honeslty say My mother is a good woman, not only for putting up with dad's bull, but how she stayed strong. Stayed connected with her family and took care of herself. She stays healthy besides the heart ache dad has put her through. I see when I go over. He hugs her and she just sits there. I know she loves him. I guess he loves her to, but men have a funny way of showing it.

[anna13]

yup concentrate on school and if your going to give it 6 more months then you should give it 6 more months . having faith in your marriage is all you can do . give things time to settle down . I am so frustrated for you believe me . I know you deserve better but I want you to do what you feel comfortable doing right now and if that is Not getting a divorse at this time then dont. you know him moving back with you is saying alot , not only to you but to this other woman . the **** is hitting the fan right now , that is what is happening with the OW and your H . you did the right thing telling her that she wasnt the only one having sexual relations with him . no matter what that will cause conflict between them . she is wondering what you are doing with him as much as you are thinking what he is doing with her. just remember that . it is such a difficult situation . there are so many options for you to choose from .you got your own goals with school and everything . no matter what your H and this OW can Not take that away from you . that is for you and your kids to celebrate. just think of it that way . your life is on the right track . your H is screwing up his life and the OW is screwing up hers too . that OW is clueless and your H is just not seeing things clearly. I know you Love him , but somethings keep as your own and enjoy them . do your own thing again. yes he lives with you now but still do what you want . just know the relationship between him and the children is his responsibility , you can support your kids but when it comes down to it they will judge him by the way he is with them and not wether or not you guys are the perfect family or not . So if he wants to screw up his relatiosnhip with his kids that is his problem . you just keep and enjoy your relationship with your kids. I know sometimes we think of how it affects our kids and the pain is much worse with that , but we can only support our kids and show them we love them . see , your H doesnt realize he is destroying his own life not yours. you have your goals , yes you love him but I am sure he knows that you are graduating soon and that probobly intimidates him a bit. i am reading your posts and it sounds like to me that he has chosen you and the family. see how things go the next few months. like i said the **** just jit the fan with you H and the OW. hang in there (((((HUGS)))))).

[brokenhearted29]

Hi Anna, thanks for your word of advice. I do agree with you. I do think that he wants to be here with us but he also wants to be out there with who he pleases and he does not care who he hurts along the way. That is what I'm am so pissed about. He should care about his family. I feel so stupid sometimes becasue I have found out all this information and I'm still letting him in this house. Why didnt I put my foot down and tell him to get lost. Why do I keep letting him walk all over me? Yes I love him and always will but thats no excuse. sorry, I just get so angry with myself. I just talked to my H a few minutes ago. He his down the street at a buddies house (supposly) and he called to tell me he loves me alot and that he is going to change. Anna, I want to beleive him but I cant. He has told me that before. There is no reason for us to be going through this. He should of been a man and came clean with everything. And now he expects me to just forget everything I was told yesterday. Its not going away. He has to tell me or I cant move on. That is the only way I know he is ready to change. Do you know what I mean or do i sound crazy? this is way too much drama for me. I did not ask for this.

[brokenhearted29]

Anna, I'm sorry to hear about your parents. Your mother sounds like she is a strong women. I wish I could be that strong. I think that is what I'm afraid of. I dont want to get use to this behavior. I want him to be with me and take care of me. If he is out at night I want him home at a resonable time. I dont want to have thoughts of him being with another women. I rather be by my damn self it this is what my future holds. Nothing agaist your parents becasue they sound like they love each other and they must be happy with each other. And thats great that they have stayed together through it all. I want to stick it out but not if there is other women involved. You no what I mean?

[anna13]

Anna, I'm sorry to hear about your parents. Your mother sounds like she is a strong women. I wish I could be that strong. I think that is what I'm afraid of. I dont want to get use to this behavior. I want him to be with me and take care of me. If he is out at night I want him home at a resonable time. I dont want to have thoughts of him being with another women. I rather be by my damn self it this is what my future holds. Nothing agaist your parents becasue they sound like they love each other and they must be happy with each other. And thats great that they have stayed together through it all. I want to stick it out but not if there is other women involved. You no what I mean?

wait ... .are you talking about me here? anna13? I didnt say anything about my parents ... maybe I am just confused .. .

[debilou]

Have you been to http://www.marriagebuilders.com? Full of information for you. I wish you well. This will probably be the hardest thing you've ever had to go through.

 

The sadest part is that the person who says he LOVES you is openly hurting you.

 

Trust your instincts. Believe your gut. Only you can stop the pain.

 

This quote helped me: "Time tells all tales, time heals all wounds . . . unless you pick at them."

 

Your relationship with your H will be long in recovery. A divorce will NOT stop all that you will feel. I'm in the middle of that right now. He's been gone 2 years. He played games with me for as long as I let him. The moment he found out someone else was interested in me (14 months after HE left) he went nuts. Suddenly he wanted to reconcile.

 

I was finally able to see past his lies. My entire adult life/marriage has been about him and his head games. It makes me sick.

 

I hope you are in counseling. Loveshack is great for you. I feel your pain, I know where you're at. EVERYDAY I think about my H, marriage, family. I'm still sad I couldn't save it.

 

Enough about me. Trust yourself. Love yourself. We're here for you.

 

Debilou

[brokenhearted29]

Hello. Anna I'm sorry I had the wrong person. I have not talked to my husband yet. There is to much going on right now becasue my grandpa just passed away. So my concentration is on my family. He has been there for me and my family. So we will see what happens. tks!

[anna13]

Hello. Anna I'm sorry I had the wrong person. I have not talked to my husband yet. There is to much going on right now becasue my grandpa just passed away. So my concentration is on my family. He has been there for me and my family. So we will see what happens. tks!

whew , i thought I was going nuts for a second. I am very sorry about the loss of your grandfather. As for your husband , let him be there for you and prove his commitment. stay strong.