Gunny376 Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 We can sit here and "hash this out" all day long, but when it comes down to the bottom of it all ~ either be part of the solution instead of part of the problem, part of the answers ~ instead of part of the question ~ or be GONE! ITS JUST THAT DAMN PLAIN AND SIMPLE! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 I really beleive I am a good women. I have had my moments in the past but I have also grew up. I just want the best for my family thats all. I want a husband to here for me after all I thought that is what a husband is suppose to do. He came by on Sunday and gave me money. We really didnt say much and then I left. He never called today (MOnday) or stopped by.He has not seen his kids in three days or talked to them on the phone. He does not deserve us. I feel so strong when I'm on this message board but when all said and done I'm not that strong person. It has ran across my mind today about going to get a legal seperation. that way it will give me time to become a stronger person. And to give me time to find out who I am as a person. I agree with you that I need to treat him differently as if he treats me. He has no ideal what I go through everyday. Thank you. I feel good today. And how about those Chicago Bears:laugh: Did anyone watch the game???Treat him different! F***that you don't deserve this if you are a good woman. This story REALLY pissed me off. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I really beleive I am a good women. I have had my moments in the past but I have also grew up. I just want the best for my family thats all. I want a husband to here for me after all I thought that is what a husband is suppose to do. He came by on Sunday and gave me money. We really didnt say much and then I left. He never called today (MOnday) or stopped by.He has not seen his kids in three days or talked to them on the phone. He does not deserve us. I feel so strong when I'm on this message board but when all said and done I'm not that strong person. It has ran across my mind today about going to get a legal seperation. that way it will give me time to become a stronger person. And to give me time to find out who I am as a person. I agree with you that I need to treat him differently as if he treats me. He has no ideal what I go through everyday. Thank you. I feel good today. And how about those Chicago Bears:laugh: Did anyone watch the game??? Realizing that you are a good person is a big step. For some reason that is a hard one to overcome. Something I caught on this post from you is the I wants....what you need to remember is that it doesn't matter when it comes to your M about what you want right now, because it's all out of your control. The only thing in your control is you and the way you handle things. You can want your H to come home, you can want your family back together, you can want things to get better, you can want him to wake up, etc, etc. But you can't make it happen. What you can make happen is for you to realize that you are strong, you are a role model for your children, you are a good person, you can deal with this, you can improve your actions and attitude, you can take control of your emotions, you can make your life better and your children's lives better, and you can do all this without him. Does he deserve you? Nope, not one iota. You are starting to get into the stage where you are getting angry at the injustice of the whole situation, at his selfishness. Is that a bad thing? No, not really, unless the anger consumes you. Keep your focus on yourself and improving your own life, your attitude, your outlook. Keep remembering and realizing that regardless of the outcome of your M, you control what happens in your own future, with or without him. You can become embittered and angry, never trusting anyone again, refusing to allow yourself to open back up.....or you can emerge from this with a better attitude towards life and relationships, realizing what went wrong in yours and making sure that you never fall back into those old habits again. Don't ever take anything for granted and make sure that you never take anyone for granted, including your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 18, 2006 Author Share Posted October 18, 2006 thank you lor. I do realize that I am a good person and that I will get past this. It will take time. I need to let go of him and that will take time. Right now I am just sitting back and taking one day at a time. I'm not stressing at all. I have put all my focus on my children and school. Screw him and what he does. I dont want anything to do with him or less he makes some changes and comes home for good. I feel good! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 20, 2006 Author Share Posted October 20, 2006 Hello, I am having a rough time today. I talked to my husband today about some bills that were due. So I took things slowly and started asking him when is he going to come home. He began with his excuses and said he had to make a few runs. So he left me again. Yeah I know, I keep letting him do this to me. Its the same stuff over and over again. I'm living my life without him but at the same time I am waiting for him to return home to me. I know things will be better without him, but how do I let go. Once I let go I dont never want to go back and that is what scares me. I wish I was strong. I wish I didnt let my husband walk all over me. That is my problem that I need to work with and I'm having a hard time. This man has never physically abused me but he has emotionally abused me before. I'm not sure if that is why I have such a hard time or not. thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Whoa! Hoa! There Sunshine! Hold up there! I don't want to ever hear you're not a good person! If you're working on it ~ that's good enough for me! No beating yourself up! STOP THAT! ITS NOT ALLOWED AND NOT PERMITTED! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 Hello everyone, I am just updating my post. My husband came home on Friday and gave me money then he was gone all weekend. He returned home today but nobody was here. He called me and told me that he was coming home tonight. I dont beleive anything he says so I just told him whatever. Well he has not arrived yet, but I am not expecting him to. I'm thinking about going to his work tommorrow and talking to him about it. There is no reason for him to even call me if he is not ready to be a full-time husband. I'm starting to like being by myself. I do miss him dearly and still wish there was a way to be happy again but this is by his choice not mine. I do know what I have to offer and he is missing out not me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 That's right! He's had his chance! What one willl abuse ~ another can cetainly use! Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Hello everyone, I am just updating my post. My husband came home on Friday and gave me money then he was gone all weekend. He returned home today but nobody was here. He called me and told me that he was coming home tonight. I dont beleive anything he says so I just told him whatever. Well he has not arrived yet, but I am not expecting him to. I'm thinking about going to his work tommorrow and talking to him about it. There is no reason for him to even call me if he is not ready to be a full-time husband. I'm starting to like being by myself. I do miss him dearly and still wish there was a way to be happy again but this is by his choice not mine. I do know what I have to offer and he is missing out not me. It truly is beyond my comprehension how someone can act like this in a marriage... (your husband) to clarify;) I have read so much on different forums on here as well as following the trials and tribulations of the folks on Sep/divorce... and it still shocks the hell out of me... We are truly a throw away society... Stay strong...Bh29:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 26, 2006 Author Share Posted October 26, 2006 Thank you! I agree with you ilimw:) I dont understand how he can act this way either. But there are days that he acts like there is nothing wrong. He will come home and then leave again like it is okay. He continues to do it because I let him. I do realize this and I am working at it. I have told him once to not come home until he was ready to stay. Well he did not listen to me and came home anyways. I have a hard time sticking to what I say. I'm not sure how to change that besides just doing it and I'm working on it. Each day I am getting stronger. I am fighting for my marriage, but at the same time I am fighting for a change in me. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Thank you! I agree with you ilimw:) I dont understand how he can act this way either. But there are days that he acts like there is nothing wrong. He will come home and then leave again like it is okay. He continues to do it because I let him. I do realize this and I am working at it. I have told him once to not come home until he was ready to stay. Well he did not listen to me and came home anyways. I have a hard time sticking to what I say. I'm not sure how to change that besides just doing it and I'm working on it. Each day I am getting stronger. I am fighting for my marriage, but at the same time I am fighting for a change in me. Hi Bh29.... It must be hard that your H is acting like a YoYo.. I understand the want.. to save your marriage... but as you already said yourself... you are letting your H...get away with this... coming and going crap... I'm glad to feel you are feeling stronger.... it will increase as times goes by..... But ... I think will advise you of this... aslong as he is getting away with the above... you will have no strength in his eyes.... I let the other fine folks.... on here... say more... as I know they have more experience in this area than I do... Good luck...! ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 27, 2006 Author Share Posted October 27, 2006 Well he came home today after work. We got to talk for a minute before he left. He said that he had to help a friend with a car but he would be back later. I told him about the situation and told him it had to stop. He basically told me that he is here and I am still not happy. I tried to explain to him that being here for a hour does not mean that he is here for good. Maybe he is right I just want for him to be perfect. Maybe I should just leave it alone and let him to do as he pleases. Maybe that will bring him home for good. He said that he was here for good this time but I mentioned to him that I didnt think it was true and that maybe he should take his stuff and leave. He then told me that it is true and to give him a chance to show me. Well how the hell is it true when he is already gone. I'm not for sure if he will return tonight or not but he should be here right now with us. He knows there are problems and he should be here fixing them. How stupid can he be. He thinks I am stupid and I am for puting up with him. His time will come and he will realize what he has done. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 Maybe he is right I just want for him to be perfect. Maybe I should just leave it alone and let him to do as he pleases. Maybe that will bring him home for good. He said that he was here for good this time but I mentioned to him that I didnt think it was true and that maybe he should take his stuff and leave. He then told me that it is true and to give him a chance to show me. Well how the hell is it true when he is already gone. I'm not for sure if he will return tonight or not but he should be here right now with us. He knows there are problems and he should be here fixing them. How stupid can he be. He thinks I am stupid and I am for puting up with him. His time will come and he will realize what he has done. No, you don't want him to be perfect, you want him to be a husband and a father. And if you left him alone and let him continue to run in and out of your life and your house, you will still be giving him the control. He won't come home if you continue to let him do the yo-yo. He has the best of it all; come and go as he pleases, in and out, when he feels like it, and he doesn't have to stay when the mood to be a Husband isn't there. That is not fair to you and its not fair to the kids. If he wants to prove to you that he's there to stay, he better start making the effort to step up to the plate. but, does that mean that he should be around 24/7, doing nothing? Heavens no, he has a life, he has things that need to be done, like helping the buddy with the car, and you can't expect him to follow you around saying "what do we need to do to fix us?". Put yourself in his shoes; he's in limbo with his emotions and if you were to follow him all over like a lost puppy it would drive him absolutely insane! You have to remember that he is a guy and guys don't analyze problems in a M like women do, and they don't react like women do. A woman will try and figure out what went wrong, how to fix it, what to do different, what the strengths and weaknesses are. A man will simply figure that if he's there, if he's not spending all his time at the bar or running around that everything is fine and why should there be a problem. A man will figure that he's around, he's there physically, what more do you want? So, you need to figure out exactly what it is you do want. Problem is that you are still focusing on him, on his coming and goings. You need to let that go, to get your focus back on yourself and what you want. You need to be able to stand alone, whether he's there or not, to understand that when he goes, its him that you miss, not him not being there to work on things. Does that make sense? You're frustrated with the situation and that back and forth, and that won't change until you change it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 28, 2006 Author Share Posted October 28, 2006 Hi Lor, you are right. I am very frustrated about the whole situation becasue it is still going on. I think If I knew he was doing good for himself out there then I wouldnt be so frustrated. Its fun and games for him. I thought I have let it go. I dont focus too much on when he comes home anymore becasue I know he wont. When he does come around it frustrates me more becasue I know he will leave again. Your right, all I want is for him to step up to the plate. And then I always wonder what could I of done to make the situation better. This is why when he does come around I try to talk to him about the situation. I guess I feel like I am not doing enough and thats why he is not here. I dont know! So do you suggest for me not to say anything about it when he does come around? Mybe I should just talk about something else uh? Or maybe I should not talk at all. I am so lost on what to do. I'm crazy uh? Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 Its not really fun and games for him ~ it just seems like it cuz you're stuck in limbo while it appears that he's free to do whatever. And yeah, in a way he is. Trying to talk to him about the situation really isn't helping matters cuz he won't be able to give you any answers either. And that's what you're looking for is answers. It seems like it should all be black and white, cut and dry; he needs to come home and you both need to be able to work on your M. Problem is, he isn't ready to come home and he's not ready to work on the M. And there is nothing you can do about it! I can't stress that enough. I've been in your situation, stuck in limbo and not sure which way to go. And I did what you've been doing; praying for the best, hoping you'll wake up from this nightmare, and the man you love, the man you M, will come knocking on the door, begging for another chance, changed into a better man even than the one you first met. Sorry but its a pipe dream. It won't happen, and if for some strange reason it does, you'd better be prepared for it to be short lived. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but its what happens. If you want my advice, I'm going to tell you do to the exact opposite of what I did, which is what you are doing right now. I begged, I tried to talk about the situation all the time, I'd call, I'd get mad, I'd be cajoling and seductive, I'd be whiny, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to try. and everytime I think of it, I realize why I'm now about 48 days from divorce. What to do? Don't give up hope, but give up him. Move on, or at least pretend to. When he comes around, let him know he's not to be there unless he's willing to give it 100% to the M, or he can stay away. Make yourself get busy with whatever. If he comes over, go for a walk with the kids, or by yourself. Suddenly have the urge to clean the bathroom. Just stay away from him. Take this time for you, to discover yourself, to get your self-confidence back and your self-esteem. Do something you've always kinda wanted to do but never had the time or willingness to do. I never used to polish my toenails ~ man it feels good to do that! Sounds silly? Yep! I bought some slinky undies. No one was seeing them but me but it made me feel sexier. I decided to start working on my plain jane wardrobe......little things. It does work cuz unless you are happy with you, you will be stuck in this limbo. The only person who can get you out of it is you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted October 29, 2006 Author Share Posted October 29, 2006 Hi lor, Well yesterday evening he came home again to see me and the kids. I did not talk about the situation at all, which was hard to do. He stayed for alittle awhile and then left. I have not talked to him since. Do you know what bothers me most? The fact that he is still with this other woman and trying to still make it work with me. That is if I am right about this other women. Maybe I am wrong (hopefully i am wrong). I do realize that nothing has changed and it wont until he is ready. Some days I do excatly what you said. I think about myself, but instead of painting my toe nails I am doing homework. Some days I just get so angry that we are still in this situation. And thats when I want to talk to him about it, but I will stop doing that. From now on I'm going to stop worrying about it. I hope things will turn out for the best. Thank you so much for your words of advice. If you have anything else to add please do. I need all the advice I can get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 Well I seen my husband today. He showed up after work and went treat-n-treating with me and the kids. I wanted to talk to him while we were walking, but I didnt. I kept my space and didnt say much or less I was spoken to. So I feel better today! And of course he left after we were finished trick-n-treating. But I'm okay with that. I'm getting use to him not being around so maybe thats good just case our marriage dont work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I don't get it.....if he doesn't want to be with you, if he didn't want you in his life, why does he keep coming around? Gggrrrr! This up and down yo-yo sh*t drives me nuts!! Been there, done that, same thing my X did to me...... Keep your resolve to be happy no matter what. I know its really hard to not do the talks all the time. What it all boils down to is being happy with yourself, being content with having the SO there or not. That's why its so important to work on making yourself happy with who you are. Cuz its so much easier to wallow in the could have, would haves. People can change, they do change and its up to us to change into someone WE like, vs who anyone else likes. I never liked myself. All thru growing up and just until this past year. Didn't think I was that attractive, knew I had temper problems, would get over-emotional about everything, would take everything personally, thought so much of what I did was dumb. Now, I'm happy in my own skin. I notice the looks I get, I take care of myself better, I'm healthy and because of all this I'm happy ~ finally! And, because of this change in attitude, my friends have noticed, my kids have noticed, and probably even the X ~ although who cares on that latter. My BF likes me for who I am and that's the person that I am ~ no pretense, no illusions. Be happy with who you are or no one else will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 I know what u mean Lor, it drives me nuts also. I think thats why I have had such a hard time with this. He told me yesterday that he loves us alot and that he is soo stupid. But yet he is not here showing us how much he loves us. Men have a funny way of showing it! He clamis that real soon he is coming home for us to be together. I'm not counting it, but at the same time I hope he is right. I am taking care of myself and my children. Its so hard finding time for myself at this time because of school and work. Not to mention my kids are a handful but thats okay. They dont stay young forever. It just amazes me on how much their dad misses of their life and he seems okay with it. He says hes not. He told me that there are nights that he cries because he misses us so much. He deserves to cry becasue of what he is putting us through. He is selfish right now and he will deal with the consequences sooner or later. Hopefully he will wake up and realize what he is doing before it is too late. ENOUGH about him I'm doing good today. I did homework all evening:mad: We will see what tomorrow brings. goodnight. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 You said he said he's going to be coming home soon.......when and if he does, is he ready to tell you what problems he's been dealing with, what he considers went wrong enough for him to leave, what he's learned, what has he done to change things, what can you both do to improve your M so you don't go back to this........?? If he can't answer any questions you have or be honest enough to communicate with you, then ~ much as I wouldn't like to be saying it ~ don't let him come home yet. If you do, over time, nothing will have changed, except that you'll be walking on eggshells wondering if he'll leave again and he won't be the man you thought you knew. Until he opens up and reveals himself to you, it won't work. You need answers and you both need to find out the why's and how's to go about working on your M. good luck and hope you get an A! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 Hi Lor, I truly think he thinks he is going to just come home and go from there. He doesnt want to discuss with me why he has been gone. Its hard to communicate with him becasue he does not open up. sometimes I write him letter becasue I feel that we can better communicate that way. I may just do that before he does decide he is ready to come home. Like you say it needs to be out in the open so that our marriage will survive something like this again. Have a good night. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Hi BH29 , I have caught up with your posts, oh my are you a tough lady , tougher then me that's for sure. I am happy to hear that he is coming home( i hope i am misunderstanding what i read) . In general the fact that he is coming home is his way of saying that he wants to be there. It is good news. I agree that things should be out in the open but for now just deal with things day by day . try not to get all the issues out the first few days he is back. just try to enjoy your time together. I know you want to protect your heart from further heartache but try to not hold it against him . Men go into their own "caves" they sort things out in their minds without discussing it . i think like i said him saying he wants to come home says alot. I am happy that things have improved. I would say hang tough but you already are so I would just say right now have faith that your situation will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Hi BH29 , I have caught up with your posts, oh my are you a tough lady , tougher then me that's for sure. I am happy to hear that he is coming home( i hope i am misunderstanding what i read) . . MY GOODNESS! good thing I read what i wrote again ! I meant ..... "I hope that I am NOT misunderstanding what I read " gee ~ sorry about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 Hi Anna, he is not home yet he just tells me that he wants to come home. He has told me that for months, but never acted on it. I am staying hopeful and taking one day at a time. I know that he still loves us he just has a funny way of showing it. Hopefully he will make this nightmare come to a end real soon. I told myself that when i graduate (in 6 months) and if he is still doing this back and forth stuff I will have to put a end to it. That is where I will begin a new life with or without him. Do u think I should try writing a letter to him before he comes home and let him know that things need to be in the open. I agree with Lor, he needs to talk to me about all this. I deserve answers! I just want for our marriage to grow from this. I do feel that I am stronger because of this and hopefully I will get stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 Sorry for misunderstanding what I read.My H kinda is telling me he wants to come back too but he is back and forth as well ... so confusing for us I know.. I think that you if you feel strongly that you really need to express something( in the letter) I think that you should . It is probobly in your gut that you should send him this letter. that is why it is always poppin gin your head. you know your husband the best ( even though he is hard to understand at the moment) so I think you should express what you need to . You are not doing anything wrong. enough time has passed where you have every right to express your feelings to him . and hopefully he will give you feedback and if not at least you know you said what you had to . That is a good thing thatyou are doing setting a limit on how long you will accept this situation. that way you are in control of the situation . things always change but for now it is a good thing to keep in mind . it will keep you afloat sort of speak. I know how frustrating it is , when it seems that we can see things so clearly but the other cannot . you are doing your best. and that is all you and I can do is our best to save our marriages. the rest is really up to our other halves. Link to post Share on other sites
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