Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 Yes he is very confusing. I think he just wants it all and I am allowing him to have it. I really need to put a stop to it. It makes me angary because I feel that he is enjoying his life right now. On the other hand I am so unhappy. This man could make me happy if he would be faithful to me. Last night at work I wrote him a letter and told him he must choose. Of course I have not given it to him yet but I plan to. I thought about it though, do I still want this man if he chooses me. He has lied to me over and over again. What makes me think he wont do it again. I really dont know any other life then this. We have been together for so long and its just so hard to let go. I have allowed him to treat me like this and now I have to deal with. I should of put a stop to it along time ago. Last night I dont think he was at home. He seemed really tired when I got home like he was up all night. And now (sunday afternoon) I'm trying to call him and he is not answering his phone. That annoys me big time. Sometimes I just want to shut his phone off becasue he does not answer it. Well we will see what happens when I either give him the letter or I acutally sit down and talk to him. I'm not sure which one to do. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted December 11, 2006 Share Posted December 11, 2006 when I read your post there are so many similarities with our situation. yes with your H it is the OW , with mine , it's my H's midlife crisis... and either way these guys give us mixed messages as if to confuse us so they can live their lives the way they want to . I don't really buy the fact that they dont think they are hurting us . that is so BS. I am dealing with things one thing at a time but i know exactly what you mean . Sometimes I just want to shut his phone off becasue he does not answer it. do you pay for the cell service? is that what you mean ? if so I feel like that too LOL. Well we will see what happens when I either give him the letter or I acutally sit down and talk to him. I'm not sure which one to do A letter he would read but he can ignore and not even react to it , he seems like the avoiding type. unless you put in the letter , either you respnd to this by having a long discussion with me or I want you to move out by this date . I am not sure if you are ready to do that but if your not dont do it .. also if you talk to him, if he is the type to actually sit there and listen it is a good idea. but you want him to respond but from what I have read he doesnt like to respond and when he does he responds in a "political" type format where his answers are very controlled. make sure you have someone actually watching the kids that time so you wont have to worry about them hearing anything. what it is with these men ? are they blind? dont they see what they could have ? when i try to see it from my H's eyes, I cant see the logic, all I see is selfishness and arrogance. it really makes me angry. I think when men behave this way it isnt anything but arrogance and selfishness. they know they are being this way but yet continue. they just better hope we dont see the light and just close the door on them emotionally and everything. here some lyrics i posted on Gunny's 2007 post .. and i think it is very true ... by THE ALL AMERICAN REJECTS.... A falling star Least I fall alone. I can't explain what you can't explain. You're finding things that you didn't know I look at you with such disdain The walls start breathing My mind's unweaving Maybe it's best you leave me alone. A weight is lifted On this evening I give the final blow. When darkness turns to light It ends tonight, It ends tonight. Just a little insight won't make this right It's too late to fight It ends tonight, It ends tonight. Now I'm on my own side It's better than being on your side It's my fault when you're blind It's better that I see it through your eyes All these thoughts locked inside Now you're the first to know When darkness turns to light It ends tonight, It ends tonight. Just a little insight won't make this right It's too late to fight It ends tonight, It ends tonight. thought i would share these lyrics help keep my spirits up . I hope that things go the way you want them too . just remember , you are doing your best and if he isnt then it is his fault not yours. hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 12, 2006 Author Share Posted December 12, 2006 I like those lyrics! I'm the one that pays for all the bills. He gives me money and they I pay for it. But I hAVE controll over my account not him. If I wanted to stop his line I could. Last night while I was at work I decided to take a ride and see where he was at 1230am. I drove past the house and he was not here. I cried on the way back to work. He takes advantage of the situation. Well tonight he is trying to spend time with me. I think he feels so much guilt. I just called him and told him that we he gets here (supposly he is coming now) to wake me up becasue I want to talk. So he asked me if everything was okay. He told me that he has been thinking and he has realized that he needs to spend more time with his wife. Kind of hard to do that when you are having a affair. You think u would get tired of doing both. He is going to grow old quick becasue he is constantly stressing on how to keep me from knowing the truth. Or maybe he is not stressing at all. I thought about that last night. What if he cares for me but the real reason he is still with me is because of the kids. that is not a good enough reason for me. I love my kids to death but I love myself also. I'm sorry I am venting alittle. You are right about men being selfish. They only care about their needs and not who they hurt along the way. I guess we will see what happens. I hope we can just sit down and talk about it and let it be over with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 16, 2006 Author Share Posted December 16, 2006 Hello, Well things are pretty much the same. One day things are going really well and the next there falling apart. The other night my husband stayed home after work all night. The house phone rang once but I didnt pick it up. The next morning he went to work and called me bitching up a storm. So I asked him whats the problem. He tells me that the girl was playing on his phone again. So this tells me its still going on. He was so stressed out for the rest of the night. I went to have a drink with my friend becasue I was stressed out and when i returned he was not around. He called me on my phone screaming at me a few times. So the next morning I had school so I woke up by 6am and guess who was just pulling up in the front my house. He said he couldnt sleep. I guess. When will he learn. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 I was thinking of you , what does he mean when he says she was playing on his phone? Is he admitting that this OW is with him and messes with his phone? My H and I are going good and bad too . lately it has been more good but it seems that things can change by his moods ..anyway , he just pulled up to the house 6 am in other words out all night? what does he say he is doing ? does he actually admit to being with the OW? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 17, 2006 Author Share Posted December 17, 2006 What I think happened was she was messing on his phone because she was pissed because he was not with her the night before. Yes he pulled up at 6am and said nothing. Oh he did say well I couldnt sleep. I dont even ask him anymore where he was when all he will do is lie to me. He has never admitted to be with this OW. Well as you know its the weekend I have to work. Well Saturday I was sleeping and I felt him get in the bed with me and out of the bed. He left in the afternoon some time. I called him when I woke up to see whats going on with the kids and he never answerd his phone. So I went to work and came home the next morning and saw that he was here. He must of came after I went to work and cleaned up. Well Sunday he is still not answering his phone. I havent seen him at all today or heard from him. These are the things that really piss me off. If he would just answer his phone. And he asked me if he could have his check this week because he wanted to do x-mas shopping for us. So I said sure. And now he hasent been home all weekend. I'm afraid that he is taking her out with the money. I'm not sure becasue somebody must of call the house because I hear them on the answer machine breathing into the phone. They act like they wanted to say something but didnt. So I dont know if that means he is with her or not. When will this end? How much longer can I go on like this. I have been doing this for a long time now and I dont think I will ever put a stop to it. I'm so frustrated at myself because I am letting this man treat me this way. And its not because I dont think i am pretty because I do. I know I could get somebody else I just choose to be with this looser. He takes me and the kids for granted all the time. He doesnt deserve this life and maybe he does want out. He is a man and all he would have to do is say something to me. I could finally move on without him. I wonder if i am the only wife that stays and puts up with this BS! Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 No your definitly not the only one dealing with BS from their H's . i should know because I deal with my H's BS ... I mean my H isnt having an affair but he doesnt seem as commited as I do in fixing things, he gives me mixed signals . and I have a girlfriend who is going through BS with her H ( ot seperated yet ) but you know once you go through this you can see the signs in another couple and you can see that they are heading in a bad direction . you know it is hard , especially when the man says he wants to work it out but then his actions say something else, it is like they are screwing with your head all the time . how old are your kids anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 19, 2006 Author Share Posted December 19, 2006 I have a daughter who is not biologically his that is 11 years old. He is all she knows. Then I have a 5 year old son who is his. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 20, 2006 Author Share Posted December 20, 2006 I'm feeling pretty good with the holidays coming. I hope my husband is with me and his kids. Sometimes I feel so knumb about the situation. I dont even think about it or less my husband doesnt come home at night. Or less she calls me. Its like i have accepted this behavior. I'm letting him do it and it doesnt even bother me. I'm use to him not being here at night. I'm use to all the lies. I need to break this habit. I just dont know how to change things. Do I really know what kind of person I am. I dont think I know myself anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 20, 2006 Share Posted December 20, 2006 Do I really know what kind of person I am. I dont think I know myself anymore. That's the thing about all of this lying and cheating stuff? In the effort to cover their tracks, to have their cake and eat it to, they help you convice yourself that your the one that's wrong, and that's screwed up? WTF? They make get you thinking that your the one that's got the problem, the issues, and the insesurties. Rooster DAR covers this in other post on other threads. Bottom line? Its not what happens to you, but your perpesctive on it, and what you do about it. A very good example of this is "In Pursuit of Happiness" about a black homeless man that went from being homeless, without a job, to a broker on Wall Street, (FYI ~ to get a "seat" on Wall Street Exchange you have to buy ~ they can cost in the hundreds of thousands of $$) now he's a CEO. They just made a movie debuting Friday of the same name about the guy. Its all attitude and perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 well today on lunch break my husband said something alittle odd to me. He said he wanted another baby. All I could think about was our situation and all the lies and then him asking me for another baby. I was so angry. Dont get me wrong I want another baby too but not right now with all this going on. He probably would make me loose my baby. Just by him saying these things to me I know he wants a future with me. He must still love me. He is so confused. I wonder if he tells this other girl that he loves her. Acutally I dont want to know. I just dont understand why he continues this. It breaks my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 well today on lunch break my husband said something alittle odd to me. He said he wanted another baby. All I could think about was our situation and all the lies and then him asking me for another baby. I was so angry. Dont get me wrong I want another baby too but not right now with all this going on. He probably would make me loose my baby. Just by him saying these things to me I know he wants a future with me. He must still love me. He is so confused. I wonder if he tells this other girl that he loves her. Acutally I dont want to know. I just dont understand why he continues this. It breaks my heart. Ok... I have been following your post with interest.. but not realy putting my 2 cents in because of all the amazing input you have been getting.. But here goes.... Is he *uck*ng kidding... after what he is putting you through... he comes out with "he wants another baby"... WTF.... he is showing that he does not want a marriage... disappears on you... with no explanation... you think he may be using xmas money on the OW.... His words do not equate to his actions... not one bit.... Nada! I know you love this... guy.. (your husband in title) ... but damn woman.. Yes he is breaking your heart... how could he not be doing this... through all he is putting you through..... saying these things.... giving you hope.... but he is talking the talk.... not walking the walk... Please be careful around him... see if his words match what he wants (realy wants) see if he will walk the walk too.... cause... he is not from what you have posted shown any control... or desire... to salvage... what seems to me would be a wonderful... marriage with you... I realise I'm not there... and don't see you to together... see how he treats you.... in person... but based on what you have posted.... Take a deep of breath... slow this down... (and believe nothing until his words match what he does) Take care of you;) ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 well today on lunch break my husband said something alittle odd to me. He said he wanted another baby. All I could think about was our situation and all the lies and then him asking me for another baby. I was so angry. Dont get me wrong I want another baby too but not right now with all this going on. He probably would make me loose my baby. Just by him saying these things to me I know he wants a future with me. He must still love me. He is so confused. I wonder if he tells this other girl that he loves her. Acutally I dont want to know. I just dont understand why he continues this. It breaks my heart. maybe he wants you to have another baby so that he can be really secure int he fact that you wont go anywhere, and having a baby makes a woman vulnerable. If your pregnant you wont be able to think clearly and he might take advantage of that. you dont want him to be filing for divorse when you are like 5 months pregnant or pregnant at all for that matter. nothing wrong with you wanting another baby , but I think you might want to wait till you have total trust in him again . I have to tell you this story because it shows what i mean .. I knew this girl , her husband and her had no kids, but they had problems because her H was a player ( he liked to look at other women) so anyway he tells her he Loves her and wants a child with her. she has his baby , then finds out that he slept with her best friend during her pregnancy , and he eventually left her for her best friend and left her a single mother. You have so much on your mind with your kids now. an infant would make things harder on you. you are graduating soon right? if you have an infant it will make you completely dependant on his income right ? i would think so . be carefull on his agenda, another thing to think about is what about this OW , what plans does he tell her he has with her? you never know. I know I am stating the worse case scenario but just wanted to give you that perspective . Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 22, 2006 Author Share Posted December 22, 2006 I am not trying to have another baby with my husband. God knows that is the wrong thing right now. Well tonite i said something to my husband about coming home late hours. (excuse me for any misspelling i have been drinking) I told him it has to stop. He said he isnt nowhere but out with his friends hanging out. So i told him he was married man and didnt have any business hanging out untill 5am. He really didnt respond once i said that. But what i got out of it was he is going to contiune staying out all night and i'm not going to do anything about it. I am a mess right now. I went out drinking becasue he pissed me off and of course he is gone right now and probably wont return till morning. I wrote him a letter last night telling him I was done and i asked him if he read it and he tells me no. He didnt want to read it becasue he knew it was bad. Why does he treat me this way when he is suppose to love me. Does this mean he really doesnt love me. My heart is so broken right now. Drinking was suppose to help me but it has not. I feel worse. I cant stop crying about the situation. I feel like calling her. I think i know her number and i want to call her just to hear from her and see if he has been over there recently. I know he has but i just need to hear it from her. i jsust need to knock my self out and go to sleep. goodnight Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 22, 2006 Author Share Posted December 22, 2006 Okay I couldnt sleep long but i have got myself together. I know that drinking was not the answer but atleast it took the pain away for that moment. This man clamis he loves me but treats me like this. I dont understand it. right now its 12am and he has not returned. I just want to do something to him that would shock the heck out of him. Let him know that i am not playing. that is what he needs right now. He needs to snap back to reality. And if he chooses to still behave like a young boy well then so be it. I'm sitting here listening to love songs in the middle of the night and I dont think this is helping either. I know i will be okay. I hope real soon I can just move on. Please keep me in your thoughts and pray for me. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 Hang in there, Avoid love songs as much as possible , that 's what i did , all love songs do is take you back to a time when things were better and it messes with your head and you cant see things clearly . at least that is what it did for me . so the second I think i hear one coming I change the station. you are definitly in my thoughts , dont think that your not . I wrote him a letter last night telling him I was done and i asked him if he read it and he tells me no. He didnt want to read it becasue he knew it was bad. He is definitly being immature. he didnt read it cause he knew it was going to be bad? Sounds like something my teenager would say . Obviously he knows that it contains his wife's utmost feelings but yet he is going to go in a way " oh, well nope I didnt read it ..la di la~" that is so annoying. you know if he really wants you back he should do his best to earn your trust back and he isnt and that is just immaturity on his part. Do I really know what kind of person I am. I dont think I know myself anymore. Yes you do know who you are , you do . That is why you are unhappy , because you know this is wrong , you know that this is not acceptable to you . there are women out there who are in so much denial that they are happy all the time , while the husband is cheating, staying away for weeks at a time and they are still bragging how wonderfull their husbands are ... you see, they dont know who they are , but you do , you are hurt , you are confused about your H's intentions, this is all normal for you to feel , you want to work it out but he is not being straight with you . the fact that you know this is not how you want to feel is a sure sign that you know who you are, you know that you deserve better . you know , things take time , I am one that couldnt just wait and see the outcome of things, and now I am finding out that somethings take time. It takes time for the shock of your H's infidelity to kick in even though it seems to be right in front of your nose , you are still in shock . It takes time for you to absorb all that is going on around you . and it takes time for your feelings to focus. day to day , things will get clearer , one day things will come into sharp focus. you are still mourning the loss of who you thought your H was. So dont be so hard on yourself. this isnt your fault, it isnt because your not a strong person , it isnt because you are not this or that , This is all happening because your H doesnt want to take responsibilities for his actions and wants to do as he pleases . there is no way that you are the reason he is doing what he does. he is the failure in this relationship , he is the one who isnt trying hard enough , he is the one who is selfish , so he is the failure , he knows he is , he just doesnt want to feel it so he wants to make you feel that you are somehow the reason he is doing alot of what he is . I know he isnt a jerk 24 hours a day , if he was it would be so much easier to just drop him like a bad habit . keep your chin up . Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 Why does he treat me this way when he is suppose to love me. He treats you that way because you let him. The ONLY person who can change your situation, Brokenhearted, is YOU. And you already know that, I'm sure you do. I can't tell you what you ought to do... but if it was me, I'd follow the marriagebuilders principles and "Plan B" his sorry ass. Your version of "Plan A" has gone on for long enough, and if it's not been effective by now, it's unlikely that it will be. If you haven't seen the information yet, type into your browser "what are plan A and plan B, marriagebuilders". It'll take you to the right page. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 I don't care if you are married to this man or not, he is showing you no respect. I don't understand women who put up with abusive behavior and say it's because we're married and I owe it to my kids. No you don't! You want him for yourself and are willing to be a doormat to have him. You don't have him when he is spending damn near every night at someone else's house. He says he wants another child? He is either saying that to keep you hoping or who knows maybe his other girlfriend is pregnant and he's preparing you for it. There's no telling with this guy. Also I can't believe you show him sympathy and let him stay over after the total lack of respect he has shown you and your home. If he wants to see the kids he should call and make an appointment. He should also be able to see his children without you being around. If you keep letting him come and go as he pleases and his other girlfriend does the same (except it sounds like he goes home to her at night) then why on earth would he ever stop what he's doing. I wouldn't! This guy is not in love with you he is in love with hisself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 22, 2006 Author Share Posted December 22, 2006 well my husband did something different last night he came home at 4am:confused: You can tell that he had things on his mind. He finally read my letter and told me that if i wanted out then I need to leave. He said that i would have to leave the kids with him. ha! Is that unreal or what. Then we discussed him coming home so late and i told him its not acceptable becasue he is a married man. So then he told me that he would take me and show me where he hangs out at and he stressed to me that there is nothing going on to worry about. So i tried to explain to him that its not where hes hanging out at its the time he is coming home. I just dont think he got it. So I asked him why he married me. He tells me becasue he loves me very much. So I actually do think i have got it on his mind. I dont know what good it will do. Do u think he cares at all about me by his actions? Is there anything you would say to him that I havent already said. I need advice on how to handle this. well thks for your input Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 22, 2006 Author Share Posted December 22, 2006 Hey ladyjane i couldnt find what u are taking about. I have been on the website before but i'm not finding infor about the the plan A and B. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 No it doesn't sound like your husband loves you. You write him a letter expressing your desires and all he can say is if you want out then leave. Too bad you didn't tell him that after the way he has treated you. I don't know why you are hoping to spend Christmas with this man. You need to wake up! You should say to him: "I'm tired of being treated like this and when and if you decide you want to come home for good, that includes spending every night here and not coming home past 10PM, then call me to talk. Otherwise, I would appreciate your not coming over here anymore to bother me. If you want to see the children please call and I will set up an appointment for you to see them. Close the door on him after that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenhearted29 Posted December 22, 2006 Author Share Posted December 22, 2006 Well I talked to my husband today. I told him that I thought about everything said and so we talked about it some. He said he knew it was wrong for him to do me like that. There still was no explation for why he does it to me. But he has knowledge the fact that it is wrong and he feels bad about it. I dont know if this means he is going to change or not I hardly doubt it. Guest, i wish it was that easy to just up and leave. I would have done did it. This man has a hold on me. Why i dont know. I wish i had the answers. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 I know Brokenhearted you are a mess right now but soon it will turn to anger and that's when your eyes will open. Link to post Share on other sites
mum2three Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 They still do it! I don't know why but when we discuss it (usually gets heated), he admits that no one wants to be treated like that and that he can't help that he feels that way. I think we still can't believe that is our H and what they are doing and how they are justifying it. It does hurt alot and even if they admit it is no consolation. The questions are still unanswered and we still feel the betrayal. The wound is gaping open. Anything they say or do seems to be putting more salt in that wound. Wish we knew how to fix it up quicker. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 there is that saying that goes something like this.... If you Love them set them free, if they come back they are yours if they don't they were never yours to begin with .... ( might be off a little but you get the point ) you know maybe if you dont see great improvement in the next week you should spend everyday after that believing in your mind that he is not coming back , that it is over , and there is nothing you can do about it . If you think that way you will start seperating emotionally from him although it will take a little time , but eventually you will feel stronger. then you will be able to overcome all this pain that is making you struggle. the only thing that concerns me right now is that when he said you should leave if your not happy , what is this? did he think maybe that he should come back in the house so he could have a legal reason to in case something happens? he is the one who isnt sure about the relationship or can't make up his mind so why is he saying that you shoudl leave. I know he admitted it was wrong to say , my H does that alot but they say things that they feel at the moment. If you do build yourself up enough to be ready to go to the next step you may need to find a way to get him to leave the house ( move out ) then cahnge the locks and dont let him back in then start the divorse course. If he Loves you he will pursue you even after you are divorsed. marriage is a piece of paper when there is no loyalty in his heart and he has behaved as if he has no obligation toward you then the only thing that is keeping you a married couple is a piece of paper. divorse will not change the fact that he is your childrens father or that he is an important part of your life. maybe you need to break up to make up . if you do want to make up that is . he needs a serious wake up call. Divorse doesnt just end everything , it doesnt go POOF he isnt a dad and you were never together.. it is just a paper that will free you from your emotional obligation to a certain extent. I know it sound steep , a really huge chance your taking if you do this , but ,, how long can you go on like this. maybe you have to see first hand how low this man can go during yoru divorse to see him for the him he is , know what I mean? I just think he is not moving forward and i would hate to see the situation escalate by finding out the OW is pregnant , or worse she has a disease that may spread to you . I know it is terrible to think about , but it does happen , ande I surely dont want to see this happen to you . so think about it , of course it is all abotu how much you can take . have a good weekend , and like you said just focus on the kids and we will make it through this holiday season , hopefully it goes by quickly . Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts