smile95 Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 ok...dated a guy 4 yrs...he was a jerk and some of you may recall my story. I FINALLY got out and did NC for 4 months...then he contacts me on my bday. It was a happy bday email and I simply said "thanks". Then he asked how I was and I told him I was great. So then I hear nothing.....more nothing...so I asked if he would like to catch up and talk sometime(left a voicemail) and nothing....WTF!!!!!!! Why did he bother. I thought all my emotions were calmed down over him and now I am a mess again. I know I can get back to NC and be ok, but why did he do this???? Any clue? I know it was not just to be nice, he never even rem my bday when we dated!!!!! Was it all about control and can I get back to normal from before he did this. I am disappointedin myself really. I thought I could handle contact and I was wrong.... I am not contacting him anymore and he cannot be mad? I did ntohing wrong???? I just have to try and act like it never happ!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 Maybe it was just to mess with you maybe it was a nice gesture. Maybe he is in therapy and was told he needed to do that. Why no contact after that is a bit strange. People mess with people all the time and sometimes they don't even realize they are doing it. You say he is not such a good guy and that you had to get out so maybe he is just messing with you. Try and get over it and put no weight in any other contact. Sorry that he is putting you through this and I truly feel your pain after getting the run around on a 5 year relationship that ended. Mean people suck. Head up and good luck. You deserve better.... Link to post Share on other sites
johnnytable Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 If you are not having contact, then why are you reading and responding to his emails? No contact means that you have NO CONTACT and this includes reading his emails. Imagine where you would be now if you had simply deleted them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 Ok well NC was not the right word..I was forgetting him. He was forgetting me. He did not speak for 4 months. Then he did this. But if I were doing NC, I should not have ans, you are right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 thanks"IMINPAIN". It is hard. When you are with someone that long you have great memories and when time passes, you think people change and that just is not so. It sux, but I am learning. Funny how this man ignored me SOOOO much and I just cannot do it when I have the chance. Link to post Share on other sites
johnnytable Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 It looks to me like you should consider NC then. You wouldn't be in this mess now! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Sounds like the jerk was messing with your emotions. You haven't contacted him in 4 months and he just wanted to throw out the bait and see if he still had an element of control over you. So he reaches out to you, then you respond- and he's satisfied again that he can still toy with you.... so he backs off again feeling like he has taken back control. This guy is a jerk. He sounds like he has major issues. Go back into NC and don't break it no matter what. If he reaches out to you- ignore him. You're going to be okay. this is just a set back and it won't last long. Keep yourself busy, and do something nice for yourself! D Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 How did you go from the email he sent you to you calling him and leaving a voicemail ? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 How about just "maybe" the guy was trying to be adult, mature and "nice" by sending a "happy birthday" message? Later he asked how you were doing and you said "great"... end of story for him, not for you. If you didn't appreciate his Birthday message, you didn't need to acknowledge it. If you didn't want to answer his "how you doing" message you didn't have to. YOU did both. If he is really the "Boogey Man" you describe, why would you answer his correspondence at all? Sounds like you are the one with the problems here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 lakeside dream....ha! he is not a nice person. he is a Narcissist and he was not trying to be nice. Believe me. He had a motive. Art- No idea how it tunred into a voicemail. It was a reaction to an emotional state and it was a mistake. Not like this is new. He did this all the time. I try so hard to ignore him, but I cannot. He seems to do it fine and always has, but I am not that kind of person. I am not shocked. I thought he had change and he has not. It is my fault. Next time I guess I have to ignore him Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 lakeside...sorry if that was mean, but I am not sure you know what Narcissists are capable of. Art may not recall, but he helped me a lot in the past and I know he gets it. Well, if he remembers me that is. With a normal man, that would have been nice. He needed a reason to F with my head and my b-day was it since I have not contacted him in so long. It worked. Yes, I do have issues. I agree, but he was not being nice. He never said that when we dated! N's are complicated creatures and do not know how to be nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 let me ask...is it really awful to ignore him. I know he does it, but that is not me. If I do it to save myself from drama, is it ok to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 No idea how it tunred into a voicemail. It was a reaction to an emotional state and it was a mistake. I think the key isn't why he did it.. it should be in why you reacted to the emotional state. You haven't fully healed from him yet.. But you are miles from where you were 6 months ago... I think you are just human and this guy still has your brain infected.. nothing wrong with reacting.. If he can't speak to you like a normal adult then you need to keep up the NC.. that is part of the problem.. if someone can't treat you with enough respect to have an adult conversation with you without any games then they don't deserve to talk to you.. Still is his loss F him Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 quote=smile95;942400]let me ask...is it really awful to ignore him. I know he does it, but that is not me. If I do it to save myself from drama, is it ok to do? No, it's not awful to look after yourself. You deserve to be happy- and the only way for you to do that is to be free of him for good. Of course you'd have issues after dating a man like this- don't beat yourself about about it. Just learn from this and start thinking with your head rather than your heart. If he truly is a Narcissist- then you are so much better off without him. Go into NC mode- and stick to it. You'll feel better! Block his e-mail, delete him from MSN, remove all memories of him from your personal space.... it'll be like a ritual cleansing of your past with this jacka$$. :-) D Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 lakeside...sorry if that was mean, but I am not sure you know what Narcissists are capable of. Art may not recall, but he helped me a lot in the past and I know he gets it. Well, if he remembers me that is. With a normal man, that would have been nice. He needed a reason to F with my head and my b-day was it since I have not contacted him in so long. It worked. Yes, I do have issues. I agree, but he was not being nice. He never said that when we dated! N's are complicated creatures and do not know how to be nice. Ok, you have the experiance paid for by history... as a aside, just an unlikely possiblity..... maybe he's trying to improve himself and act like a "normal" non "N" person and this was an example. Bashing everything "Ex" is a hobby here. I know I have done it too. However.. if my ex (5 years divorced, 25 year marriage, SHE was a long term cheater) again, if my ex emailed me a "happy birthday" I might email "thanks" back. If she followed up with a "how are you doing", I might mail back, "just fine thank you" and leave it at that. If she asked anything specific, or tried to continue the communication I WOULD ABSOLUTELY tell her I wasn't interested in communicating with her, and ignore any further attempts at communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 thanks everyone. I take half the blame for my feelings right now. I could have said thanks and left it at that. I guess maybe I was the one hoping for more? I wish he could be an adult and have a conv, but I guess we are not going to be able to do that. It is possible he was being nice, but if he were, he would not have asked a 2nd question and would not have ignored me. That is not "nice". Quite rude if you ask me. I feel MUCH better today and since I went so long healing, it seems easier to bounce back from this stuff now. Next time I will reply nicely and if a 2nd message comes just tell him I would prefer not to communicate anymore with him. No need to tell him why, as telling him that it hurts me will just boost his ego that he still can do that to me. I know I am better than last yr at this time, but it sucks that I feel like I failed after all this work. Basically, I chased him with that VM. Oh well....I am learning and I am not going to let this affect me like it used to anymore. Time does help. I guess this was a test. I have a little more work to do! thanks Link to post Share on other sites
johnnytable Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Or next time you could not even bother to listen to what he has to say and not respond in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 I am thinking for my own good, Ineed to remember this week and how he ignored me and blew me off and not feel so bad for doing the same. I know it makes no diff WHY he did it, but it makes me wonder a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 Is it pretty normal and common that when couples split, one of the two people are still in love with the other? I hate that I think I still love him. It breaks my heart when I get these contacts from him a few times a yr. Link to post Share on other sites
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