Is anyone out there married to someone addicted to pornography?

[Guest]

Do any of you have any history or experience with a husband who has a pornography addiction? I posted here because the addiction forum doesn't get as many visitors and I really, really need some input and voices from others who have walked this path.

 

The pornography consists not just of girls in magazines but magazines with couples in sexual acts and also surfing the internet looking at hard core pornography. This is a very one sided interest in the marriage and not something the wife wants any part of whatsoever. It is, actually, a cause of heartbreak and fighting in the marriage.

 

This "interest" has not affected his job at all, still a very hard worker and he still maintains all his work at home, upkeep, etc. However, he still daily buys magazines and when at home, does look at the internet. etc. He has been to a counselor at my prompting and the counselor in my presence claims this is not a sexual addiction issue. He has also been unfaithful to me but that is not the issue I'm dealing with presently.

 

I know posts like this can get into a heated debate on right and wrong and that's not what I'm after. I really want to know how others have dealt with this issue when its something that breaks their heart.

 

Thanks!

[luvstarved]

Gee, that counselor seems like maybe they have the same problem and are just rationalizing it as not a problem. Look on the internet, the term "porn addiction" is everywhere and it is real.

 

But your H has to WANT to change his behavior in order for any kind of treatment to work, just like with any addiction. I don't know how he feels - sorry for it because it bothers you, resentful because you won't let himjust enjoy this "harmless" activity???

 

Porn seeped its way into my marriage and had a very bad effect on our intimacy. It was not as much as your husband does, just sneaking on every few weeks for a while...but my husband felt very guilty about it and is trying not to go on there. I asked him if he was feeling "urges" last night and he said that the longer he stays away, the less the urges are, so I think it is also like any other addiction in that sense. STAYING AWAY is the key.

 

I saw an article somewhere written by a former porn star that was talking about how much most of the women in porn hate what they are doing. I wish I had the link. I don't know if it would deter guys, but maybe if they understood that they are just in it for the money, they hate the smelly sweaty guys on them, are constantly worried about STDs, often turn to drugs and alcohol, and some even go vomit in between takes, they are so not into it...maybe it would turn some guys off. The truth is, what they see is beautiful women who want nothing more to please them, willing to do anything sexually, and asking nothing in return. And somehow it seems to them that these women WANT them, ONLY them and their big wonderful **** and they don't need the guys to do any work, just whatever the guys wants them to do will make them SOOOOO happy. What's not to love?

 

But it is an addiction, just like any drug, it makes you feel good and asks nothing of you. Only over time you need more and more of the drug until getting the drug becomes the focus of your life.

 

And it is also like an addictive thing in that some people are perfectly able to indulge in a little and enjoy and not get too wrapped up in it.

 

So I would be curious as to whether this is something that has stayed at the same level, whether it interferes in any way with life (how's your sex life?), etc. If it does not interfere with anything else and the usage is not escalating, then you might want to soul search over whether it is something you could learn to live with. My gut feeling is that the fact that it bothers you should be enough incentive for him to quit but I guess I am trying to think fairly. In any case, if it is interfering and/or escalating it is heading toward addictive levels and he should be man enough to recognize it and want to do something about it.

 

Instead of going to some random counselor, try finding articles and books on the subject online. No doubt you will find some anecdote that describes your situation pretty closely. He might counter with "but the counselor said..." So find more articles. That counselor is in a deluded minority.

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

[Guest]

Gee, that counselor seems like maybe they have the same problem and are just rationalizing it as not a problem

 

There is a huge difference between using porn occasionally and 'addiction'. A lot of women seem to think that occasional use = 'addiction'. It does not.

 

So how many hours a day does he use the porn and do you have sex and how is the rest of your relationship? Because I know men who use porn because they are unhappy with their relationships and don't really feel like having sex with the wife because of the unhappy relationships.

 

True 'addiction' is rare. Usually there are other reasons a man uses porn.

[Ladybug313]

Hi Guest, I am sorry you are going through a hard time.

If it helps you any I actually posted a pornography post as well, and the responses were extremely helpful. I also didn't realize there was a Search tab before posting and there have been tons, I mean tons of women like you and me who have posted about their men and porn. There's like 20 pages of the same topic and I actually went through and read every one of them every chance I got, it took me almost a whole week, but seriously reading them helped SO much and I got a grip on myself.

 

What I learned most of all, through myself and the other posts, is that we women (ok not all I don't want to generalize! ) tend to label this porn stuff an "addiction" when it's really not. After reading the stories of the many ladies here, I can definitely see that "addiction" covers quite a large range.

 

So I guess I just wanna say is, are you sure what your husband has is an addiction? Are you positive this discomfort with his porn use doesn't come from somewhere deep inside you, I don't want to point fingers and say harshly that you are insecure, but from observing myself these past couple weeks and from reading the posts of other women, the discomfort ends up coming from something that is not the porn itself, it just takes time to figure it out I guess. Maybe in your case, because he was unfaithful before, do you think that fear is projecting onto his porn use? I am just speculating, please don't take offense ok?

 

When I posted my original dilemma I didn't know I was going through a slump/insecurity phase. All of a sudden I was snooping around in my husband's computer every day without some valid feeling that there was something going on, and his porn use (which was daily but about 15 min each time) kept getting to me. What I didn't know was that I was feeling really down about a lot of things, maybe post partum depression and the fact that my husband's mom never seems pleased with whatever I do, she's always criticizing me, and believe me that does stuff to the self esteem of even the most confident person. And when I wrote that post, she happened to be visiting us for a bit and was always in my face.

 

I totally didn't link anything together until she left and I was free to do what I pleased, without having someone tell me to clean this clean that, this is how you take care of your baby, this is how you take care of your husband, (everything has to be in HER way, everything else is always wrong..hrmph) And suddenly I felt a whole lot better, and a very wise person on this board advised me, "before you snooped you didn't even know he was indulging in his little fun, why not just drop it, stop snooping forget about it for awhile"

 

And I did just that. I delved into activities with my child, I took her out for strolls, basically I kept myself busy so I wouldn't think about this. And believe it or not, I am completely ok with everything now, and to think I was having a headache day and night over frikkin 15 min of my husband looking at some people having sex and getting turned on by it (which is by the way I really do believe is human nature) seems so silly when I look at the big picture of how good a husband he is, how good a father is, how good he supports me while at the same time level headedly supporting his mother when he needs to WHILE knowing she gives me a hard time. Oh and we have a great sex life, we get it on pretty often, and we've mastered the art of "quickies" now with a baby in the picture, haha.

 

So in a nutshell, my mental state really altrered how I viewed everything, and in that phase of thinking I just couldn't do anything right, my husband's porn use seemed to be the perfect outlet to project all my fears and insecurities, it was the most alien thing in my world of understanding you see, and it scared me cuz I was so insecure. And somehow I had to control it, I had to control every thing my husband was doing, cuz it made me feel better, it made me feel...grounded..you know? And that porn was the one thing I couldn';t seem to grasp.

 

Believe it or not, I have this weird feeling that ever since I felt better and stopped bringing up the porn and asking questions about it, (no matter how nonchalant I try to be, he knows it bothers me if I keep asking about it) he's been visiting a lot less and he himself has become busy doing other things. I also have a weird feeling that me being down and stressed about his mom in turn stressed him out too, and in a way the porn was also a stress reliever and a diversion from his stressed out wife and his controlling mother who was stressing his wife out ( I bet it's hard on a man when the two most important women in his life are at odds with eachother) It all seems so connected or maybe I am imagining things...

 

Wow I didn't mean for it to get so long. I just wanted to help as much as I could, having been in the same boat as you. If you have time, seriously do the Search thing. It really helps.

Good luck.

[luvstarved]

Well I did not mean to conclude that her husband has an addiction, but I do think daily use is something to take as a little warning to stay alert for increase in activities. All addictions do start somewhere.

 

Also, I don't think porn is all that big a deal but if it isn't a '"big deal" to the guy either and it bothers his wife,then what is the big deal about stopping if there is no compulsion involved?

 

I also said though:

 

If it does not interfere with anything else and the usage is not escalating, then you might want to soul search over whether it is something you could learn to live with.

 

I guess it comes down to the relative importance of it. If it is more important to the wife that he try not to do this than it is for him to be able to do it, then that should carry some weight.

 

I think that ladybug has a good suggestion though in considering whether it is something you could try to ignore if everything else is going ok.

 

Not every guy who looks at porn is an addict, it is true, but to say porn addiction is not real is NOT true.

 

I guess that doesn't give you much information, but to summarize, I would say:

 

Try to consider whether this is something that you just can't tolerate. If you can tolerate it and it isn't a real issue interfering with life, then let him have his fun. But if it deeply bothers you or it starts to interfere with your/his life, then you should try to encourage him to stop...

[LeeAnn26]

I am always slightly amused at the "knee-jerk" reaction this sort of post always gets from people who are quick to say that partners (Women) over react and that a bit of porn use is not a problem etc etc.

 

And you know what, I used to agree with you guys, and never ever had a problem with porn, and found a lot of it erotic myself.

 

Yet, having a partner who will spend every last dime (money he knows should be going to feed the kids) on porn without blinking an eye, who has admitted himself that he has an unstoppable compulsion to download porn and the classic pattern of "escalating behaviour" - living in fantasy more and more, needing more and more stimulation to get off has rather changed my mind.

 

The thing is, porn in itself is not necessarily a problem, but for certain people it definitely can be. I agree that not every person who looks at porn is an addict, but for some people it can be as debilitating as any other addiction. You wont believe the lengths some will go to to get their "fix".

There are some good resources online, as well as some books. I personally dont like labelling people as "addicts", but dont discount the possibility outright!

[Ladybug313]

I totally agree with you luvstarved and LeeAnn, I hope I didn't come off as dismissing the whole thing and dismissing the original poster. I agree that it can be a huge problem I guess I was just trying realyl hard to see all sides to the picture, cuz that's what I did and came to the stance I am at now. I am not saying everyone will think the same way as I do, but I just thought it would help to really think things through from my perspective the partner's perspective, the entire relationship in perspective, how harmful the porn is to the relationship, cuz I really do think the extent of the use is really important. I wouldn't be ok with it at all if the porn use was such it was taking away from the relationship but I understand that people have a problem with porn in and of itself if it isn't anything else.

For me it certainly wasn't a knee jerk reaction, it took me a long time to think things through, but I do agree, if it really really does bother you, talk to him about it.

 

Personally if I think there is something that I am doing that I honestly think isn't a big deal and my partner forbids me any access to it because it bothers him greatly, I guess I am someone who would give it up for him but to tell you the truth I'd also harbor resentment about that too deep inside me. But perhaps that is my problem.

 

I agree that pornography is a big problem, I am sorry if I seemed to have brushed it off. I honestly have not and it's something that's bothered me too.

 

Anyway good luck with everything, I'll end here.

[Jazmyn]

Hi everyone......quite the subject matter here.........very difficult to crack. I've been through it quite a long time ago with my second husband (whom I've divorced 11 years ago) You all have excellent points, I totally agree with using the word "addiction" but again only in it's full meaning. Addictions become a problem for anyone that already harbors "holic" tendencies. In any event, the porn is the issue but my question is what is the underlying problem? Something is definitely deeper, porn is the tip of the iceberg. I told a bit of my story to luvstarved. Consequently, I have become a changed person since experiencing all that. I have such a zero tolerance now for any kind of exploitation of women.

Everyone gave you a staring point....let us know how you're doing!