Guest Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I've been a lurker on here for a bit, and now it's time i need some thoughts... My girlfriend and I are very much in love...she lives 300 miles away but we see each other every weekend, we use webcam in the week and speak to each other daily. My female friends have said we're the kind of couple you only see in the movies. We've even got to the stage where we're happy to talk about our future together...living, children etc. There is a problem, though. I have had sex with one other person, an ex, a couple of years ago. However I am my girlfriends first (she has done other things, but never actually had sex with anyone else). I know she is uncomfortable that I have slept with someone other than her, and I can understand that. However in talking about our possible future, she has mentioned the fact the doesn't want to think about going through life only ever having slept with one person.. I really dont know what to do, I know it's something that needs addressing because otherwise it's going to ruin our relationship, but I can't see how the answer would do anything but. As I see it, it's either I give her the option of spending a night with someone else (which would absolutely kill me to know, and i can't see that I could ever see her in the same way), I tell her to do something but not to tell me (in whcih case I'd always wonder if it was more than once), or to leave it. I'm torn, I feel as though if I really love her, which I do, then I should be willing to make this sort of sacrifice if it means we can carry on, but equally, knowing how i feel about it, I feel like if she loves me, she would never even consider doing anything about it. I've made her out to sound horrible...she's not. I can't put in to words how happy we are together and with eachother...I know she'd never cheat on m, I'm just really letting this get to me and need to hear someone elses thoughts. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Have you ever had sex with her? Let her say her stupid things and just keep having a good time with her, if you let her have sex with some one else its over for sure. Its very strange that she would even be saying things like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Have you ever had sex with her? Yes, we have a great sex life, I think basically it's aroused her curiousity. It's not helped that a couple of her 'friends' have been playing devils advocate. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 well dont worry about if she keeps bringing it up I sugest you break up with her Link to post Share on other sites
kjl933 Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Sounds like a power play to me. Gives her an out when she needs it. Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 she has mentioned the fact the doesn't want to think about going through life only ever having slept with one person.. There's nothing that you can do in that situation. It's up to her and her ultimate choice of either having you, or having someone else. Just tell her she can't have both - unless she wants this relationship to end Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Well, IMHO, you should either: 1. Just tell her it's not okay and it will be a dealbreaker if she goes ahead with it. 2. Tell her you guys will break-up for a set period of time (6 months, for example) so you guys can BOTH see other people, and then talk about getting back together at the end of that time. One thing you SHOULDN'T do is stay faithful and just let her do her own thing. It will set a bad precedent and make it too one-sided in that she gets to do whatever she wants and you're the only one feeling the emotional ramifications. edit: Oh yeah, and going with #2 will most likely destroy the relationship anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 i was in a situation very similar to yours.. i once dated a guy.. long time ago. he was my first EVERYTHING and he had already slept with some other girl. i was his second and he was my first. and that hurts. although theres obviously theres nothing to get mad about or anything that you can do to fix it. i told my bf the same thing.. that i loved him and i wanted to marry him and spend my life with him but i didn't want to not have experienced other parts of life that i wouldn't be able to experience if i was with him. it was really painful for me to say because he felt hurt and i guess sort of betrayed or like i was saying he wasn't good enough. thats not the case. this didn't change my love for him. it didn't make a lack there of. it was just simply that it was hard to settle down the first person i was intimate with.. i never wanted to cheat on him though to make myself feel better, which i'm sure is the same for your girlfriend. we have since then broken up for different reasons and i have "experienced" other people. its not worth breaking up with someone you love for. the whole idea is that she doesn't know that yet and she wants to find out. but if she finds out she could potentially destroy something really great that she might never find again.. what you need to do is talk to her about how serious she is. if she really wants to lose you and end your relationship just so she can sleep with some other guys you need to know. theres no way i would suggest you date her and allow her to spend a night out with another guy.. thats pretty bad. but you need her to figure out what she truly wants. i wanted to experience others but if it came down to it, i don't think i'd end my relationship so i could do so. it really sucks at this point but its all up to her on what she wants to do, theres nothing you can say to make her change her mind. i hope that helped. good luck, and keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Its not all up to her if this girl of yours doesnt give up the idea that she needs to sleep with other guys and having one isnt good enough so be it you dump her and refuse to take her back. In all seriousness if you guys arnt engaged this thing is probably going to end sooner or later any ways. Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I agree with tanbark. Letting her do her own thing, and still being there for her is only going to give her her cake and eat it to. There are plenty of people that marry and stay together never having had sex with anyone else, how old is she by the way? I say you need to tell her how that would be a dealbreaker if she was to cheat on you, and that if she wants to get her wild oats sown then she needs to do it without you Link to post Share on other sites
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