Guy more interested in games, one sided LDR, wants space?

[lovedoormat]

Where to start?...

 

I am 20 years old, and live in the UK [south west].

 

My boyfriend is also 20, and lives in Florida. Yes I understand we may seem young however I have been in a few serious relationships before and also experienced love before. I am a deep person and want nothing but to love someone.

 

How we met...it was probably about 5 years ago. We met through an online game. I have always been a bit of a tom boy you see We became the best of friends so to speak and spoke and played together everyday. We shared everything in common. He came across as this oh so sweet guy who was also deep and good at heart. He eventually expressed his feelings to me one day, that he believed he could see me as his girlfriend. However I was young at the time and due to the HUGE distance never saw anything of it. But I did feel so strongly for him.

 

So soon after it got a little awkward and I another guy started to come into my life. Who lived in Bristol. He was 5 hours drive from me. Being young i went with the attention and ended up meeting this guy from Bristol and eventually we fell in love. That relationship lasted a year.

 

Now, the guy in the US [currently my BF] knew of this, and of course was upset. He disliked the guy from Bristol and tried to tell me he was no good for me. Naturally I defended my bf at the time. And so we stopped talking for pretty much the whole time I was with this guy in Bristol. [You still following me lol?]

 

I admit it was a foolish relationship and it cost me the friendship. Sometime after that ended I "stumbled" across my friend from America online. We started talking again. I apologised for what happened and he understood. He had also been in a relationship that had ended - he loved the girl and was heartbroken. So we decided to be friends once again and helped each other through this situation. We talked pretty much every day, about everything just like the old days.

 

About a year later he admits he has feelings for me [once again]. And I surely had them for him. I could not believe he felt that way about me. But due to the fact that he had recently been heartbroken I guess I tried to let him down gently and say that he may only feel that way because he was possibly on the rebound...I guess I was saying it to save my own feelings.

 

For months on end we talk everyday and share everything. He is the sort of guy that couldnt talk about anything. But he managed to with me. We both felt SO strongly for each other it was clearly obvious but we both held back at the same time in fear of rejection and because of the distance. We would lightly joke about getting together and would let our feelings slip out from time to time.

 

Then I went through a stage of depression and started clubbing. He did not like this, however never expressed it. A few months later I found out he had lost his virginity to a girl he didnt really like - apparently my actions drove him to it. I felt awful as I never knew how he felt and also I felt like my heart had been betrayed. He was clearly sorry for it too. It was a good thing in a sense as it finally made us tell each other our feelings.

 

From then on we were a lot open about it. Though I was still never quite happy...he become more inconsiderate - sign off MSN without saying bye or explaining what he was doing. Not quite offering the support he did before : to play video games with his friend. Fair enough I thought, but I asked him to please at least say before leaving in the middle of a conversation.

 

From there on, it became more one-sided. I would sit and wait around for him to talk. He didnt really want to involve me in much of his life, I would ask but I didnt get much of a response. So one day I asked what we actually were...he said your my girlfriend and I love you. Yet it didnt always seem that way. I was then told not to judge him on his actions...yet it wasnt often I heard his words either other than before we "got together".

 

Soon after I find out through a friend of his [who now also became a good friend of mine] that he had signed up to be in the National Guard. Which means he had to be based in Florida until 2011...and before doing this he said he wished to move over to the UK. So of course I felt disheartened. We had minor arguements after that. But we would always "kiss and make up". I asked if I could have his cell phone number before he had to leave for training. He told me he didnt have one and that there would be no point in giving it me anyway.

 

Well his friend tells me he does infact have a cell phone and that he had ben calling his friends while he was out there, and writing letters to others - yet he never told me the address either. So yet i was further disheartened. One day during his training he managed to leave me a message online, asking me to wait for him, that he loved me dearly and to save some money for me to come to Florida, and he would help with his $5k bonus once he was out. Months went by and I waited and waited. He was finally home, I was so pleased...

 

..He had changed. He didnt want to know me. I was heartbroken. He said he was frustrated and didnt know what to do with himself and all this free time. So I let him be, and sank into the shadows. A while later I attempted to talk to him again, he was getting back to himself and also no longer felt the need to play online games. Though he spent nearly all his bonus on a new PC and other worthless things. Sometime after talking again he apologised for how he was when he got back and that he had taken me for granted. Obviously because I was so in love with him I told him it was all ok. From that moment on it was the best time ever. The distance didnt matter, he was SO in love with me.

 

24/7 He would want to know where I was, and would wish to see me in the webcam etc. He was obsessed, and I liked it of course! I had been waiting so long for this. He had completely opened up to me, and was begging for me to go see him. A few months later I flew out to America on my own! Crazy I know. But I would do anything for love. My time with him was AMAZING. We was so crazy and comfortable around each other. I was so depressed when I was back home though. He missed me too and asked for me to come again asap.

 

As time went on, I worked my ass off to save the money to see him again. During this time he got back into online gaming. World of Warcraft to be exact. This is where it started going wrong again...he would go back to hardly talking/responding. Ignoring my calls because "he was on the game" and made me feel like i was being a nuisance....to and extent I was yeh, but if he answered at ANY point, then I wouldnt have to bug him. As I needed to talk about my next visit and my financial problems.

 

He didnt have a job and STILL DOESNT. Never has. He got more and more involved with this game. Sometimes he would ask to see me on webcam - but once it was on, he wouldnt even look at me once. [He had 2 PCs now, one for gaming the other for chatting]. I tried to express that I felt neglected a little as I was doing all this work/effort and wasnt getting much in return. A few arguements spurted out of it too. His solution was for me to get the game also, he begged until reluctantly I did.

 

That was the beginning of more problems. I did not really enjoy the game, but played it anyway as it was the only way to keep some contact with him. The conversations became only about the game...and I put up with it. I soon told him I didnt really enjoy the game but would carry on playing. All hell broke loose. He told me never to talk to him again!? It hurt so much, we got into an arguement and I said he clearly cared more about the game than me.

 

...But as I loved him yes I put up with it yet again. A few months later I flew out to see him again. All he wanted to do while I was there was play this game. I was becoming so hurt by this. I tried to let him know, and asked for a little back. As all I did was give give give. Then he started saying I expected too much. Maybe, but I felt SOMETHING was better than NOTHING, after flying over there twice to see him now.

 

I then approached him about him having a job and no passport. I got angry a few times and he would say sorry, sorry he promised that the next day he would go get a passport and prove to me he loved me. Did it happen? No...months went by, I would ask in a general way about the passport - I got told to stop bugging him about it. WHAT??

 

Anyway, after I come home from the second visit he started saying he wanted to marry me. He would constantly ask me if I wanted to marry him - of course I wanted to at some point. He would tell me every other second he loved me.

 

Then came a point when my best friend was getting married. She lived a few hours away from me. He disliked the idea of me going SO much and try to make me choose between him and my friend. I told him that was SO unfair and I would never give him an answer - i agreed to go to this wedding a loooong time ago and I couldnt let her down as a friend. He refused to understand and made my life a misery for my choice.

 

I was only gone for 5 days. I come home and hes very distant and arrogant towards me. Again I try to explain why I went....he seemed to have lost all those moral values we once had in common about friends, loyalty, love. For some strange reason I had this awful compelling reason to check his emails - SO wrong I know. I found something SO awful. He had contacted an old school friend he hadnt seen for years, and wrote pretty much a whole essay of how much he loved her! I was distraught and confronted him about it. He was aggressive towards me about it at first. Then said he did it because he was upset I went to the wedding and it meant nothing...Didnt really seem like it. Though I do think he may have just been looking for some sort of attention. I didnt talk to him for some time after that. He eventually got a hold of me and begged for me back, begged to prove how much he loved me.

 

Like a fool I opened my heart again and gave him the chance. I let him know that I did not trust him right at the point and he said he would help to rebuild that. At first it was fine. Until he became really distant again and would run away into his game. I was made to feel worthless, like I was hassle for just saying "Hi" while he was playing - even if i was ingame too.

 

Now its become an obsession, hes on it day and night. With no desire to get a job or to get a passport to see me, yet before the wedding he was talking about leaving the NG and marrying me. How confusing? He expects me to answer him the second he speaks to me but I had to wait hours for a response even if I could SEE him right there on the webcam.

 

Eventually he would start hiding from the webcam, or even closing it. Then wouldnt let me see him on it at all. I asked what was wrong and he said he didnt feel comfortable. Which wasnt like him at all - he would always do crazy stuff to make me laugh. We never cared about how each other looked before...and he never wanted to see me either. Day in, day out he would just act a total ******* towards me. And he knew it. He did it deliberately -out of spite. It was always double standards, hes allowed to do what he wants, but I wasnt.

 

Whenever I would try and talk about our situation he would put the phone down on me and say he was going to play a game, or his friend was going to ring, he was "tired of talking about it". So was I! But I understand communication is the key and we had to figure out a next step - he had been suggesting I study over there for 2 years. But I couldnt do it financially.

 

All these emotional games, and he stopped offering me support on many levels. After we would ever argue he would tell me to "get over myself" ? and that these things didnt bother him like they did me - yet HE was the one that carried on his abusive behaviour? Then on some days he would be totally in love with me! For example he left for training for 2 weeks and he went crazy that he couldnt talk to me for the first week. He rang me - which he had NEVER done before! We had the best conversation ever.

 

Yet he comes home and starts acting like this again. Its driving me into depression and I asked him about the promises he made about "proving to me he loved me". He retorted that "I should leave him alone and let him do it all in his own time." From that last phone call we havent spoke for 2 weeks...and he doesnt care AT ALL! Usually I would get texts asking where I am, I would always tell him the truth. One time we argued and I stayed away from talking to him for a day so we could cool off. But he pushes me INTO being crazy! He called me an attention seeker and that it would be his "last ever text"! I cant win. Then on the odd occassion I would have a random message from him saying "how blessed he felt and I am the one and everything he is looking for."

 

I told him I was getting upset because I missed him dearly, he turned around and said that he doesnt miss me as such anymore, because he learnt something..."in the same respect as its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...well in this case I havent lost" he said.

 

And in under a month I am supposed to be flying out there again [7th Nov] to stay with him for 44days! What am I to do? I love him dearly and Im not blinded by love...far from it. Yet I dont believe in giving up on things so easily. He has changed - ye he insists he hasnt. And the lack of love or any affection or effort is killing me. I know that once I am over there - in person it will be fine. But what about once I am home...will he change in any way?

 

It seems he just wants utter control and attention when its convenient to him. He is coming across as immature by going against any suggestions I make to help the relationship out of spite. "If you ask me to do something...I dunno I just want to do the opposite." What the hell sort of attitude is this?

 

I honestly dont know if to just cancel my flight, lose the money and see if he cares in any way. Or go and talk to him face to face about this, and maybe remind him of what he has/or is about to loose... I cant keep playing this waiting game forever. Its destroying me, yet I know deep down that guy I fell for is still there. I want to help him in any way I care, even as a friend. Because we was best of friends to begin with. Its just hard to deal with these emotions as a girl, I need someone to hug me and say it will all be ok! Yet I get abuse because I am feeling down at times, simply because I miss him!

 

I was also recently told "I have the feelings, I just dont feel like sharing them right now, because of what I did and I know im being an ass. So Just let me do things in my own time, and if you are not ready when I am - then fine I wont bother you about it". Im scared that he may enjoy this time alone too much right now...[and forget the good things we DO have].

 

I am still respecting that space he wanted right now. Which is why I am venting out here. I understand where he came from in a sense, I started to get a little clingy yes but that was because he OPENED UP COMPLETELY, then suddenly snatched it all away again. I know he does love me...but is he still IN love with me? Will me going over there help to remind him of that? And is that what he is waiting for...to be able to say sorry in person?

 

Can anyone give me any insight to male behaviour? How to cope with this? I was stupid to give up my life for him yup and so Im finding it difficult - I cant go out and do things because I have to save every £ for my trip over there - as hes offering no support. I just get told I am "looking" for problems, and there is nothing wrong with us. Sure its all dandy for him, I give him as much attention and love as he wants. One of his friends said its his personality to expect everything to be done for him.

 

Is there any way I can break through this attitude? I swore to myself however this is the last time I will be going OVER to see him. But its just hard trying to deal with it in the CURRENT moment. He currently doesnt care about my feelings like he used to. Is this a phase?...We have had a few situations where we acted like "fine, fk it" but came back to it eventually...

 

Am I fighting a lost cause? Hes so warped into this game it concerns me. Is it just guys in general...or HIM? I can deal with his stubborness most of the time, I accepted thats who he is. Just all these recent events are taking their toll on me and its causing more and more arguements. I know the distance is a HUGE factor - we are great when we are together, hes so sweet and loving...but most of the time we are apart. But thats one of the reasons I try and fight for us, plus he is my perfect guy in every other way.

 

He knew about my past relationships - I got abused emotionally and he vowed he would never treat me like that...I cant help but feel its happening all over again.

 

If I did drive hime away, how do I get him back again?

 

lol I cant help but feel I answered most of my own questions.

 

I would so appreciate some outside views on this though.

 

Sorry for the book!

[bluetuesday]

dear doormat

 

thank you for submitting your novel. i regret that we can only accept short stories at the present time but wish you every success with finding a publisher more suited to your needs.

 

 

okay, that was one hell of a read. i quite enjoyed it though. you write pretty well and seem like an intelligent girl.

 

all except for one thing... the fact you will not stop trying with this guy who clearly doesn't want you. i am sorry, it's over. and you should rejoice that you're out of it, chalk it up to experience <please note, experience is no indicator of pleasure. experiences can go up as well as down> and move on.

 

good lord and sonny jesus, cancel your flight woman!! trust me, you don't want 44 days of misery and talking and telling him what he's lost. just walk away. he doesn't love you, and even if he did, he doesn't want a girlfriend enough to make the compromises that are crucial for the success of any relationship.

 

this man is a controlling, emotionally abusive retard. yeah, i know. they all seem like nice guys to begin with.

 

i realise that this is hard to hear. you have put your life on hold for this man and got very little back. but now it is over. he doesn't need to tell you to your face. he's not contacted you for two weeks. it sucks but some people break up with people by disappearing.

 

you have described him during the course of your rant as arrogant, abusive, obsessive, a liar, spiteful, stubborn and warped. you cannot change him. you cannot change him. you CANNOT change him. repeat as necessary.

 

this man is not worth your flight ticket and he certainly is not worth wasting another day of your life on. he doesn't love you. he doesn't love you.

 

i know it is hard, but you will heal. we get a million of these kinds of threads where people keep putting themselves into situations where they get abused over and over again. telling the same story - leave him, you're worth more - gets wearisome.

 

but you seem like you might be ready to hear it because, as you said, you have answered your own questions. you already KNOW what to do, you just need to find the courage to do it. and unlike 90 per cent of the people who post similar stories here, you seem clever enough to take this advice.

 

being a doormat is a temporary state of affairs if you want it to be. yes, you have been walked all over. you have allowed him to make you think his bad actions were your fault. but you have the power to stop that this instant. you just need to make a choice that you are worth more and decide that in future, you will only give your love to people worthy of it.

 

you are precious. you have one life. don't waste a moment trying to make black into white. he is not going to change. so be the bigger man. walk away from the misery and into a new day.

 

there. a little novella of my own.