Suffering Marriage, stained by in-laws and depression

[zorhar12]

I'm 27 years old, this is my second marriage and I'm 4 months pregnant. I got laid off then realized that I was pregnant so its been difficult to find another job. My husband just recently got a job and will be doing well. I'm American and he is Pakistani (grew up Muslim, but is not very religious now).

 

A few days ago, I was washing dishes while he was watching television, since the sink opens up to the living room he didn't like the noise so he asked me to stop. When I refused he got angry and threatened me. I stood my ground and he got very upset that he threatened to leave and threw his wedding ring on the ground. I decided to let him go to cool off. Then he came back and we had an argument in our room. He started out by saying that he came back for his mother and not for me. We started arguing again and in the argument he came around and pushed me (mind you I am 4 months pregnant with his child).

 

I saw him raise his hand (which was holding a pillow) on me and so I got scared and called the police. Then he stopped. He got so upset about me calling the police that he marched his mother and sister (they all live with us) into our room so that I could explain to them that I just called the police. He said that if the police came his family would have been deported (they are not legal residents or citizens of this country). He also said that if his mother had a heart attack out of grief he would hold me personally responsible and make my life hell. Then he proceeded to say that I was nothing since I don't have a job and that he could "buy and sell me." I was nothing but a bitch.

 

I did call him a swear word for pushing me, but he was so mad. His mom was trying to apologize for him and he pushed her. She was begging me not to call the police on him because they believed that they would all be deported. Then he started bringing up complaints she had about me that I didn't even know about - I asked her before if anything was wrong and she'd always tell me "no."

 

Then a few hours later he came back and apologized wanting to reconcile and I just wanted to sleep on it. I explained I wasn't sure if we could reconcile but then I decided to try the next day. Ever since then he's been very isolated from me and I feel like things are my fault. I asked him to go to therapy or counseling which he says he will if its oustide of his work hours.

 

I feel so depressed because I feel so alone in this house. He doesn't want to put any money in our joint bank account because he says now he doesn't trust me with anything. I'm having to try to find ways to earn money even though I don't have a job. I try my best to please him, but he always shuts me out. Sometimes he even threatens me that he's going to take our baby away later on. I can't say that I'm an angel, I cut the phone off from my mother in law because I was mad at her. I guess sometimes I'm so jealous of her because he caters to her and his sister's needs more than mine.

 

I get apprehensive in my house because they constantly speak in another language and I'm forced to wonder if they are talking about me. Nobody ever communicates things to me and he blames me that I have created an atmosphere of fear in the house that nobody wants to tell me anything. But its frustrating when the only translator is my husband and I'm not sure if what he's telling me is accurate or not. I'm also tired of being accused of kicking the family out of the house because that didn't happen, but everyone looks at me like I'm the villainess.

 

If anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it, because I don't know what to do. Thanks!

[luvstarved]

Wow, I don't know if anyone can give you good advice here, but there sure is a lot of anger flying around and I think the two of you should get into counseling right away. These are not good conditions for a baby to live in.

[Guest]

Having a friend who has gone thru a similar situation, I recommend keeping a log of how he is treating you -- as far as raising his hand to you and threatening to take the baby -- throwing wedding band. This sounds like classic manipulation and passive/aggressive. If you think you can get him to counseling DO IT. If he resists or refuses, get out. Domestic violence is ugly and dangerous. Do not take the chance for yourself and your unborn child.

 

I apologize for being so blunt, but it took my friend a while to wise up and accept it was time to leave, and she has the scars and police reports to prove it.

[RecordProducer]

If I were you, I would not want to live with a man like him or even have a child from a man like that. I would abort the child secretly and divorce him. But that's just me.

 

I am pretty sure you will divorce him some day, but you will have to deal with him because of the child.

 

I don't see why you married him in the first place, but what's done is done. You can take it or leave it. Being that things are so awfully wrong in so many aspects, I don't see any material for you to work on even if you tried marriage counseling. You are two different worlds, two opposite cultures and mentalities.

 

You live with his family, he threatens you, and basically treats you like a piece of sh*t. Where he comes from, this kind of behavior is not only normal, but the women there have it much, much worse. Can you change his whole mindset and make him think like an American? I don't think so, but who knows? I am sure the only reason why he doesn't beat you is because his mother and sister are illegal immigrants so you have him in your hands. Does he have the citizenship? If not, you might be lucky enough and be dumped by him when he gets it thanks to you.

 

I bet he was very meek and sweet at the beginning just to show his true colors later. I think you made a mistake that you need to correct sooner or later. You will probably feel lost, stuck, and imprisoned when the baby comes, but believe me, babies grow up fast and you will be able to find a job and organize your life well very soon. Just keep your chin up and understand that this situation is only temporary.

 

While you're pregnant, you might use the time and his money to get additional training or a degree, in case you need one, to prepare yourself better for the future. If he threatens you or puts restrictions on you in any way, don't forget that you have power over him, because one phone call may take his mother and sister away from him forever. But try not to use this power, because he may hurt you.

 

I don't know how much you know about the mentality in Pakistan but perhaps you should have thought about this before you married him and shouldn't expect much from a man who comes from a culture where women are nothing but merchandise.

 

The view of women as property with no rights of their own is deeply rooted in Islamic culture.Women are considered the property of the males in their family irrespective of their class, ethnic, or religious group. The owner of the property has the right to decide its fate. The concept of ownership has turned women into a commodity which can be exchanged, bought and sold."

Honor killings are perpetrated for a wide range of offenses. Marital infidelity, pre-marital sex, flirting, or even failing to serve a meal on time can all be perceived as impugning the family honor.

Even victims of rape are vulnerable. In a widely reported case in March of 1999, a 16-year-old mentally retarded girl who was raped in the Northwest Frontier province of Pakistan was turned over to her tribe's judicial council. Even though the crime was reported to the police and the perpetrator was arrested, the Pathan tribesmen decided that she had brought shame to her tribe and she was killed in front of a tribal gathering.

 

Here is the link to this: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2002/02/0212_020212_honorkilling_2.html If you google "Pakistan women" you will find all kinds of information that might open your eyes about where your husband comes from. You think he is not like the others? Why did he say he could sell you then?!?! Does a normal American man say such things to his wife?

 

Don't ever go to Pakistan with him. He might really sell you for good money there.