my emotions are trying to take over !

[anna13]

ok , i can say today is a hard day for me , I am feeling lonely , overwhelmed by the kids , and just generally feel abandoned. I have the scense not to call him but all things are going through my mind again like , why doesnt he miss us , why doesnt he want to call ? I cant do this alone , but my rational side is telling me that it isnt like he will never call again he has to of course eventually call , he misses his child and has to call so i have to just hang in there .. I am seeing the effect it has on my toddler , ( even if i am holding it together ) my toddler's face is so sad and kinda lost looking . no focus like before even though i have kept his schedual pretty much the same he isnt the same. I know i cant expect him to be but the missing factor is that daddy isnt around. god it hurts me , i want to call my H and tell him that this is enough already ! but i dont think that would help my situation. I just keep thinking how can he do this to us . this whole week my teen has had no school ( fall break) and won't have school till tuesday . I am completely overwhelmed. my toddler is so sensitive and i dont know what to do . all my teen does is annoy my toddler and make it much worst. while my husband is doing who knows what ( gym, archery , hiking , and work ) just having a good ol' time it seems while i suffer. i know in reality he can't be having that much fun i think that he is hurting too so I hope in some way. I guess I just have to vent so I dont call him. this probobly wont be the last time either. I'm not calling him , the last i heard form him was the night before last when he called about his schedual. I miss him !!!!!!!! I wish he missed me too !

[anna13]

Almost did it ... I almost called him tonight, my teen was giving me hell on eath and my toddler was so poutty faced i had the phone in my hand almost dialed his number. but I managed not to . I just cried after that by myself. but i am glad now that i did not call. man .. one hard day at a time I guess.

[Gunny376]

What good is calling him going to do? Part of the reason he left was because he can't handle the so-called stress (down here in Alabama we call it life)

 

Calling him is like taking out a another loan when you're already in debt up to your eyeballs. You can't borrow your way out of debt ~ you just can't do it. Calling him is going to accomplish what?

 

He's not part of the solution nor part of the answers ~ he's part of the problem and the questions. Things got tough, things got hard, and his answers to the questions and his solutions to the problems was to bail on you, leaving you to deal with it ~ by yourself ~ alone. And so what? This is the guy that you're going to turn to? Where I come from when life gets hard and gets tough ~ you suck it up and deal with it.

 

On a side note ~ you're making multiple threads. Just start one thread and post there, its easier for us to keep track. Each time someone posts, including yourself it kicks it to the top, so we'll see it. (I'm not talking about your posting on other's thead.

 

This one will do nicely.

[anna13]

Thanks for the tip Gunny. I'll post here for now, i didnt really know how to use message boards but thanks again for clearing it up for me. your right , calling him would be pointless because this is what he is trying to get away from rightnow and me calling him will make him push back more. he needs space for now . but don't think I think he is some kind of hero for this,. I think like you , he should have been there for us . shouldnt have run away . I still am trying to save this marriage so calling and bugging wont get me anywhere anyway . i guess calling him would have temporarily relieved my emotional pain . I was so used to him being there. but like I said I am glad i didnt call. since he is definitly not there for me rightnow. I hope he is again one day though. he said to me that I can call him if I want to ( a couple of days ago) but i know that it is better i dont. better for him for sure, better for me to hopefully eventually get to where i want things to be in the future. I want him to want to be near me , and miss me .i Am almost done with the book divorce busting . closer to the end of the book it says that if your seperated and teetering on divorce you should do a 180 degree change in behavior .

[Gunny376]

I'm up during the middle of my sleep cycle, so I'll post more about 180's later. But for the time being:

 

If crying couldn''t make him stay,

Why do you think it will make him come back?

[Lor]

bingo Gunny. crying to them only makes it worse.

 

how old are your kids? the teen is bugging the little one....just remember that he/she is stressed out about this, too. Not only is your H gone but so is the guy that was supposed to be Dad to this one, and doesn't sound like he gives too much of a flying f to begin with about the teenager. Concentrate on the older one, too; the little one will adjust a lot easier believe it or not.

 

keep it up, even though its hard. You've got a lot of strength inside.

[anna13]

my teen is 16 my toddler is 4 . my teen could care less if my husband came back to be honest with you . my husband is his step father. not that he hates him but he doesnt miss him . I am sure my moods are bothering him much more then him being gone. my little one will recover over time because he is young and will be able to adjust . but I have been continuing to take care of my kids of course. I am becoming angry at my H and I am just about ready to call him and snap . part of the roller cooaster i guess. I just wish I was ready for all this crap . it seemed so sudden but i am sure it wasnt for him but it was for me and i am sooo pissed that now i am in this predicament. If I could just turn off all the emotions life would be alot easier. he says he didnt leave me , he said he just needs space blah blah ... I am so annoyed at this point. I want to call him up not to ask when he is coming back , not to ask if he loves me , i feel like calling him up and saying what the hell is wrong with you ... but I wont. but I thought i would be over the urge to call him by today but it is still there. I am fighting it. I guess I hate this limbo. I just want to shake the H and say what is the deal already?!! I am fed up with this BS. but if he needs space obviously it is wrong for me to do if i want to try to work it out. at the same time I am tired of tippy toeing around his "balance" . I feel that living apart is enough space already isnt it . he has a 6 month lease so he isnt going anywhere for now. I am having a second concern that i never had before . i guess cause i read everyones threads and i hear alot about affairs. I never even felt like he had one or ever will but lately because he doesnt call I wonder sometimes, does he have someone else in mind ? I think it is really all in my head but i feel like asking him. but that would be wrong too. I am sooooo frustrated.

[Lor]

you could call. wanna know what he's gonna say?

 

"No, I'm not having an affair. There's no one in my life right now. I've already told you I just needed time alone and some space. I don't know what I want. I don't want a divorce but I'm not happy. I don't know if we'll ever be able to get past this. I just need some time."

 

Same ol' bullsh**, honey. Why is he doing this? What the hell is wrong with him? Even if he knew the answer he wouldn't tell you cuz he can't! Yes, its frustrating--beyond frustrating! You want to kick and scream, go beat on his door, then start going off on him cuz what the hell is wrong with him, nothing is bad enough to tear your family apart, right? He'll look right thru you during your whole tantrum.......and that hurts the worst. When you look at him does he seem like a stranger? When you talk to him do you get mad cuz he sounds like none of this is bothering him?

 

That's part of why you don't call and you don't go see him. You will read into things that aren't real, you'll hear his words but there won't be any action to back them up. And that is the yo-yo. You have no control over him, you have no control if he goes looking for "love" outside of the M--he's gonna do what he wants to do, even if it hurts you inside and out. Because right now there is only one person on his mind and that is HIM.

 

My 16 yr old is the same as yours...stepfather who didn't bother to spend a lot of time with him or do anything with him and therefore he didn't care too much one way or the other, except what it was doing to me and how his little brother and sister were reacting. And he tried to be the "man" for me and I had to set him straight that he was the child and I was the parent. Since he is 16, he's plenty old enough for you to sit down with and explain that his actions are making things more difficult for you, and that you'd appreciate his help. In a way, his life has changed cuz I bet you depend on him more now, right? talk to him about the separation, see if he has any questions, and maybe suggest that he talk to a counsellor at school. I'm blessed in that my 16 yr old talks to me about a lot of things, but this was one thing that he had a hard time talking to me about because I couldn't hardly deal with it myself.

[Lor]

one last thing to point out; for every step forward you take, every stride you think you'll make by trying to talk to him, to reason with him, its just another 3 steps back. You can do nothing right at this time in his mind, so quit trying to understand and quit trying to reason with the unreasonable.

 

leave him alone. it may be the only thing you can to do to save your M.

 

now, what have you been doing for yourself? and we expect details.

[brokenhearted29]

Everything you said about you want to call him to tell him to come home is the same thing I went through. Your emotions are the same also. Just hang in there your time is coming and you will feel at ease. Dont worry about him concentrate on you and your kids. Have you ever thought about getting a membership at a gym? I tried it and it does work. It keeps your mind focused and it makes you feel better as a person. Do for you right now! I'm sure he is doing for himself. Lor is right, if you ask him about another women you will just make the situation worse. I think thats what pushed my husband further away because I put it in his face all the time. Also another reason why husbands leave is becasue they are having a affair and they feel guilty. So they make up excuses to leave so that they dont have to look at you in the eye. I really beleive that was alot of my husbands doing.

[Lor]

to both of you--they may be having an affair but if you stress over it, it will drive you nuts. easier said than done, but quit worrying over it. if they are, then that shows exactly what kind of person they are and you're better off without them anyway.

[debilou]

One counselor told me "the affair is a symptom of the problems in your relationship". Yea that was refreshing. People who have affairs instead of being honest lie to everyone whenever they feel the need.

 

Originally I thought my stbxh left me for the blonde at work, nope, flavor of the week from what I understand. Which is worse? I guess I knew the ho bag situation from work would NEVER work out. I was sure about that. But a fling every week or so. It all makes me sick. I wasted TOO many years on a dirt bag. Hind site is 20/20!

 

This statement helped me, I hope it helps some of you guys:

 

Can I have the capacity to free myself from the dependency of the problem?

 

He was and is the problem and I am slowly but surely rising above it. It's not been easy. I just hope I can help some of you see that the man you married isn't the man who walked out on you and your children. Please don't think I'm being negative. My mom and my sister tried to make me see what he was doing to me. I couldn't and wouldn't. I believed every lie that came out of his mouth. I turned my back on my family to save my marriage.

 

My family is the one who saved me from him. He financially ruined me. I'm sure my stbxh is more of a monster than any of yours. I'm being serious. You wouldn't believe the things he has done.

 

I won't get started with that waste of time. I will just say this: "Trust your instincts". There's a good book called "Honor the self". Take care of you. Do it for yourself and your kids. You are all they have.

 

Take care Debilou

[OceanBlue]

My only question is are you able to grab a bit of time for yourself when it gets crazy? Can/will your teenager watch the toodler so you can take 15 minutes to go for a walk? Or do you have a neighbour you can ask?

 

When my ex and I first split, and the kids and I were all having a bad day, being able to have a small break from them to regain composure was really helpful.

[brokenhearted29]

THat is eaiser said then done! I use to cry and cry about it for hours. I dont anymore. I still have bad days but for the most part it is getting better for me. It truly takes time. Its not something that works over night. I agree with you it does show what kind of person I am with. I am also dealing with that the best I can. I made a mistake and I'm trying to handle the best way how. Are you divorced? Just wondering. thank you for the input.

to both of you--they may be having an affair but if you stress over it, it will drive you nuts. easier said than done, but quit worrying over it. if they are, then that shows exactly what kind of person they are and you're better off without them anyway.

[Rooster_DAR]

you could call. wanna know what he's gonna say?

 

"No, I'm not having an affair. There's no one in my life right now. I've already told you I just needed time alone and some space. I don't know what I want. I don't want a divorce but I'm not happy. I don't know if we'll ever be able to get past this. I just need some time."

 

Same ol' bullsh**, honey. Why is he doing this? What the hell is wrong with him? Even if he knew the answer he wouldn't tell you cuz he can't! Yes, its frustrating--beyond frustrating! You want to kick and scream, go beat on his door, then start going off on him cuz what the hell is wrong with him, nothing is bad enough to tear your family apart, right? He'll look right thru you during your whole tantrum.......and that hurts the worst. When you look at him does he seem like a stranger? When you talk to him do you get mad cuz he sounds like none of this is bothering him?

 

As usual Lor, you are right on the money.

 

Brilliant!

[anna13]

My only question is are you able to grab a bit of time for yourself when it gets crazy? Can/will your teenager watch the toodler so you can take 15 minutes to go for a walk? Or do you have a neighbour you can ask?

 

When my ex and I first split, and the kids and I were all having a bad day, being able to have a small break from them to regain composure was really helpful.

I definitly do get a few minutes for myself time to time because if I dont I would go insane with the kids so what i do sometimes is go to the park and drop my teen with my toddler and go to a lookout onmy own with a soda for about 30 minutes ( my teen has a cell phone and knows how to reach me) that gives me enough of a breather to cry by myself , vent to friends on the phone or just stare out and think to organize my thoughts. it helps tons. also if I do feel overwhelmed at home i will just go into my bedroom and read a book or something for a little bit while my kids play and hang out in the living room. my teen was off school for a week and i was with him every day so I have a breather now since he will be returning to school tomoro.

[anna13]

THat is eaiser said then done! I use to cry and cry about it for hours. I dont anymore. I still have bad days but for the most part it is getting better for me. It truly takes time. Its not something that works over night. I agree with you it does show what kind of person I am with. I am also dealing with that the best I can. I made a mistake and I'm trying to handle the best way how. Are you divorced? Just wondering. thank you for the input.

I agree with both of you . it is so much easier said than done especially since it is a great big feeling of helplessness and lonelyness. but I know if he was having an affair there is nothing i could do about it. I dont think he is but I wonder since i dont see him often. but if I found out that he did , that would make me less likely to want to work it out with him since i know that is a line crossed that i dont think i could accept or move forward from . at the same time. . who knows how I would react right? I have to go through it to know how it would feel for me. but i think it would shift me from more sad to more mad. I have realized that I should not be stressing myself over what might happen when i got alot on my plate already with what has happened . take it as it comes right. it is so hard. but it does come down to do we want to save our marriage or not and if we do want to save it . . how much can we tolerate for now to get there. I am so glad that i have people here that have similar life experiences . we can and will support each other through this.

[Lor]

Are you divorced? Just wondering. thank you for the input.

 

53 days to go and counting....

 

Sorry, I had to write that about the affair real quick since I had to leave.

 

What I meant was, you can worry about it, wonder about if there is someone else, wonder if he's thinking of someone, talking to them, seeing them, being with them. It will eat you up inside and make you insane with jealousy and rage at the unfairness of the whole situation. You'll begin to wonder what is so wrong with you that your SO has to search out another to replace you. You'll become paranoid, reading things into his every movement, every word. And you know, it may turn out to be for a good reason.

 

What you need to remember if that does happen, that anyone will seem better to your SO right now than you do. Its like wanting to throw out that old vacuum cleaner just because its time to upgrade. There's nothing wrong with it, it still works, still cleans and picks up all the dirt. But Hey! We've got a new, improved model that will do all that and looks pretty darn good. Funny thing is, the dirt is still the same dirt and still needs to be cleaned, and newer isn't always better. It may look pretty for a while, all shiny and new, but eventually it will wear off and all your left with is another old vacuum cleaner.....

 

silly analogy, maybe but that's the way I see it. You have to make yourself not worry about it or it will eat you up. I've been there--its not fun. You hate the person you don't even know, don't even know if they exist and you transfer most of your anger of the situation over to them. In my case there was someone else and he decided it would be easier on me to try and cover it up. Kinda hard to do when your talking to her for 800 min in one month on the cell phone, baby.

 

none of this is fun, none of it easy, even though to look at them you'd think they are having no trouble with it. You wanna shake them and yell, "Dammit, you're supposed to be hurting too!" In a way they are hurting but they are so wrapped up in themselves they can't even feel what they are doing. With justice, they will come to realize the toll they take and have to go thru the same hurt you feel....eventually. Some never do.

 

This is why it is so important to concentrate on you right now, and not him. Once you realize that nothing you do is going to change things, nothing you say will snap him out of it, nothing you want matters....then you will start to feel the weight coming off your shoulders, a little chip at a time. I wish I could tell you there was a time limit to all this but there's not. Some heal faster than others--Anna, you're already on the right track--and some need to be literally hit over the head before it sinks in that this is reality and not a horrid nightmare.

[anna13]

I managed to give my H a few days of "space" when we finally talked again he actually was very calm and said he wanted us to come over , I asked just my son or both he said both . So we went down to visit him and we had lunch. he was on guard but seemed to be opening up to me more then before. he actually admitted he missed us all. but he was still stressed. I didnt push anything I just listened to him . he seemed to appreciate the fact that i wasnt talking and i was listening. in fact when it was time to leave he asked if we wanted to come by again the next day ( today ) . I was a bit shocked but i didnt act so exited about it even though i was. we met today and had lunch and took our son to the park . we werent super affectionate but we were communitacating. he was enjoying his time with us it seemed. we smiled evenlaughed once during a conversation. when we said our goodbye he said he would give me a call later . before that he asked if we wanted to come down friday . I said I was busy on friday . and then he said maybe afterward then ... I am a bit releived but at the same time i am really scared knowing that this is it. this is our last chance to save this marriage. I think we will spend the next six months trying to rebuild our relationship. it seems too good to be true but this is what i wanted , a chance to work it out. so again i will spend the next 6 months working on us , working on myself , and hopefully get to a point where we are really comfortable around each other again. Obviously i have to analyze and make the changes within myself that contributed to our marriage getting to this point , and my H has to work on the causes of his stress too and we have to and he has to figure a way for him to manage that. I am optomistic but scared to death! . I will not behave the way i did before and drive him away . lets just say we both have things to work on . I hope we can . today was good. so I will sleep nicely i need it . to prepare for the future because that is still the unknown. I dont work rightnow but i have filled my schedual with lunches with friends. because he still needs space he always will . I have to find my own life too , to be a better person . now it isnt all roses , but it is better news than i have had recently. One day at a time. I still miss him but i have to learn not to be so needy too. just like i said scared to death really. I will keep you posted . Thank you for all the great advice and support. It has helped me get to where we are now with your help. I know not to hold my breath but it is a good sign.

[Lor]

Great news, Anna. The important thing right now is to keep having him come to you. and for you to work on yourself....what are some of your flaws? Probably my biggest one was holding things back and letting them build up until I would blow. and being critical of everything. Part of it came from trying to be vocal in the beginning and getting the brush off of my concerns so I quit voicing them. go ahead and let us know what some of the things you need to work on are and we'll try to point out different ways to deal with them.

 

don't let him move home right away, even if he wants to. It will be too soon and neither one of you are ready. My X did that and he would be fine for a week then mentally he was gone again. Don't rush anything--including his trying to work on his own issues. Let him deal with them in his own time. Don't stop making plans for yourself just in case he's gonna call and say he wants to get together. Saying you can't cuz your busy is gonna make him wonder doing what?....and that will bug him.

 

Remember, you can't control him, you can't control the situation, but you can control yourself. Letting him talk was great, and showed a lot of self-control. Just remember that he's not the only one going thru this. Although his opening up about things is a sign of improvement, you need to be able to communicate your feelings, too.

[anna13]

Great news, Anna. The important thing right now is to keep having him come to you. and for you to work on yourself....what are some of your flaws? Probably my biggest one was holding things back and letting them build up until I would blow. and being critical of everything. Part of it came from trying to be vocal in the beginning and getting the brush off of my concerns so I quit voicing them. go ahead and let us know what some of the things you need to work on are and we'll try to point out different ways to deal with them.

 

don't let him move home right away, even if he wants to. It will be too soon and neither one of you are ready. My X did that and he would be fine for a week then mentally he was gone again. Don't rush anything--including his trying to work on his own issues. Let him deal with them in his own time. Don't stop making plans for yourself just in case he's gonna call and say he wants to get together. Saying you can't cuz your busy is gonna make him wonder doing what?....and that will bug him.

 

Remember, you can't control him, you can't control the situation, but you can control yourself. Letting him talk was great, and showed a lot of self-control. Just remember that he's not the only one going thru this. Although his opening up about things is a sign of improvement, you need to be able to communicate your feelings, too.

we both agreed that him moving back in right now would be a huge huge mistake because we have alot to work on and movign back to soon would just go rightback to how things were.

 

hind sight is 20/20 they say , and i know what my flaws were. I nagged too much , and what i mean is that every single thing that bothered me and was on my mind i voiced out to him repeatedly without a break . . over and oveer mostly because i thought he wasnt listening but he heard me but I pretty much badgered him with all my concerns . even when he did give me ideas of how to solve the problem my own stress would eat at me and then i would find myself repeating myself with him . after the fact , and reading several books , i realize that even though i thought i was being open and honest about everything i was feeling to my husband and discussing problems all the time , I was not repeating myself to discuss problems because we already talked about them. what i was doing was getting relief by constantly getting reasurance from him . which is very selfish on my part.

another flaw of mine is that he was my life not just an important person in my life . in other words , i made him feel like he had to be with me all the time , i didnt tell him he couldnt do things but i see clearly now that i always gave him a time limit to what he could do . like if he went to the gym i wanted him back by a certain time if not i would be angry about it. even on his day off. so i think i was a bit needy.

i just let thedaily stresses in our life take over . and i always talked about what was wrong and not what was right.

so that is what i know off the back , not to say that i am only flaws LOL .. i got lots and lots of good points too but i have beenworking on my own feelings and issues and at the same time give him space. he has things to work on too and if i work on myself it will give him time to think and sort what he is going through..

he has a 6 month lease with the studio he lives in now so that doestn nessesarily mean that he will move back in after that but these 6 months we have to rebuild and work on what we have and make solutions that will improve our lives.

i just thought of another flaw.of mine . i never thought i was controlling but maybe i am , i mean i always want things to be perfect( not household things like neatness) and they will never be perfect. like the way my teen behaves sometimes, or how our family "should" be. how our family should do everything together with all the free time they have.

I was a very private person too , didnt want anyone to know about the stress i was going threw , so none of my friends knew what was going on and were completely blown out of the water when they found out we were seperated.I should have talked to my friends too instead of putting all the things i thought on my husband. i can see clearly what i have to work on . lately i have been opening up to friends more and it helps alot . even though i know my husband took me for granted what i didnt realize is that i was taking him for granted too.

so that is all i can think of to say right now. it will take time ,no over night solutions. but slowly i think things will get better so i hope . i dont want to sound like i take all the blame for everything , i am just admitting you myself my role in the breakdown of our marriage.

I think he was pretty much shocked that i listened for a change. it took alot in me not to say how i was feeling , but he knows how i feel and if i repeat myself over again it will be the same thing . I have lunch with a friend a day this week , kinda unusual but it is good , it will keep my mind on other things. I am still remembering about being unavailable to a certain extent and i will not go backwards by asking if he loves me ect... cause that doesnt work. and i have totally got it through my head , I cannot control his thought or actions. i have to respect what he wants as well. and what he feels as well . he isnt perfect but no one is and i have to realize that. I am keeping it together because it feels like it is heading in a positive direction. but like i said it is scary because i know this is our last chance. so we have to find a way to make things work . i sound like i am completely on stable ground but i am not , i am so stressed but this time i will deal with it myself and not dump it all on my H. I think i hav eto make to make him comfortable that i will no longer repeat myself about the same subject repeatedly. My husband has to work on not keeping everything bottled up. he is almost the oposite of me where as I talk about everything I am worried about and stressed about he wont say a word about whats bothering him. maybe thats cause i never listened? i dont know . but hopefully our situation will continue to improve.

[brokenhearted29]

Thats great Anna! Seems like things are looking up for you. Continue to hang in there and wait for him to come to u.

[anna13]

Thats great Anna! Seems like things are looking up for you. Continue to hang in there and wait for him to come to u.

Thank You so much , things are looking up better then how it was when he was saying that he didnt even want to hear my voice ect... but i am so worried still . . but i am going to hang in there.

[Gunny376]

That's great news Anna and I'm glad that you're identifying your weaknesses and overcoming them ~ that's one of the triats of a leader. And the first step in leading others, is leading yourself and in mastering yourself.

 

It resonates through out your post time and time again, over and over ~ so I'm going to bring it up.

 

FEAR

 

That is one of the things that you need to work on ~ overcoming your fear ~ of everything. Either you can conquer it ~ or it will conquer you. Either you can master it or it will become your Master.

 

"Most of us have been bullied by our parents into doing something, not because they were right, but because they were in a stronger position, (Its right because I sayits right!) The implied threat is that someting terribel will happen it you stand up for ourselves.

 

This is carried on throughout our young adult lives by other authortative figures in our lives ~ until it become self-perpetuatlating.

 

This is an attitude that far too many people carry with them into their adult lives. They allow this awe of terrible repecussions to lock them into a life of misery terror, and impotence.

 

In other words the main emotional barrier that we must overcome is fear - the gut wrenching terror that a small child developes when bullied that control him or her into adulthoon. As an adult, you've had time to rationalize this fear into other forms that become just as immoblizing and frightening. This is how insidious ffear is - fear of punishment, fear that something will be taken away from us if we stand up for ourelves, fear of getting hurt, etc.

 

For some solid "rational" reason we allow un-pleaseant things to contiune. When these reasons are exmained thye can usually be boilded down to one thing ~ fear!

 

If you allow fear to rule your life, its no one's fault but your own. People live their entier lives in fear thinking that the price is too hight to do anything about it. Yet, they never realize that the price they pay in the end ~ the price of their self-respect ~ is far beyond anything they might have paid before, If that is gone from a person (self respect) anything can be done to a person."

 

Mare Animal MacYoung

[Lor]

we both agreed that him moving back in right now would be a huge huge mistake because we have alot to work on and movign back to soon would just go rightback to how things were.

 

Good on step 1, but harder to stick with the plan. Make sure you do.

 

nagging

Sometimes when we don't think we're being heard we will continue on and on in the same vein of the conversation. Where you perceive yourself as nagging and going on and on maybe its because you weren't finding what you considered a good solution to the problem. Instead of rehashing it over and over with him, sit down with a notebook and write the problem down then find possible solutions to it yourself. maybe do this for a week or so until you think of all the possible solutions, then pick one. You relied on your H to be your sounding board, which it sounds like he was, but you can only keep banging the hammer against the same spot for so long before the wall starts to break.

 

time limits

That would be a stopper right there. He has to be able to live his own life, within his own timeframe. It's one thing to ask when he would be home, its another to get angry when he's not there. doesn't give an excuse to stay out all night with the boys, but he should be able to do what he wants without worrying if your going balistic at home. You, on the other hand, have a right to know roughly when he would be home so that you can plan things accordingly.

 

stress

We all do this.....it usually happens when we comfortable and figure that nothing we do is going to stop our mate from loving us. We take it for granted that they want to hear all about our day and our problems....do you like to sit and listen to someone complain about their day? I don't know of anyone who does. Not to say that we can't let stress get ahold of us time to time, get angry, get emotional. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. But it comes down to learning how to manage the stress, by realizing that there is a time and a place for certain battles and some things just aren't worth the effort. And to always always always think twice before we open our mouths.