my emotions are trying to take over !

[anna13]

definitly see the clear picture with the first two , I am conciously 24/7 have it in my head (don't nag, don't repeat, he hears you ) and as for time limits , I really get that too.. I kept thinking before "our life" when it really is his life and my life and our life together. the third one ( stress) that is the big one.. i have to find ways to manage my stress and the anxiety I get from stress on my own . not that I shouldnt share time to time but i have to stop releasing it on my husband who isnt my therapist , he is my husband.I am glad you wrote it out like that. good reference when i need a reminder. thanks.

[anna13]

That's great news Anna and I'm glad that you're identifying your weaknesses and overcoming them ~ that's one of the triats of a leader. And the first step in leading others, is leading yourself and in mastering yourself.

 

It resonates through out your post time and time again, over and over ~ so I'm going to bring it up.

 

FEAR

 

That is one of the things that you need to work on ~ overcoming your fear ~ of everything. Either you can conquer it ~ or it will conquer you. Either you can master it or it will become your Master.

I have fears, fears of being alone , dying alone ect.. fear that something bad might happen to me or my husband , or my kids ( by health issues or car accident ) maybe that is what drives me to want everything to be good " perfect" all the time so that if something ever happens we will know we had a great life together. but as we all know life is never perfect and not "good" all the time. but I have to stop being afraid that time is running out . that's for sure.

[Lor]

Sounds like you have an anxiety issue. I had one, too; used to be driving home and all of the sudden a scenario of the house on fire and what would happen with my kids would start running thru my mind. Couldn't sleep at night because of thinking what would happen if.....used to give me nightmares. I could be sitting at my desk and it would happen. One of the things I did was to quit watching tv or movies that had a lot to do with death--Law and Order, CSI--especially episodes with children. And I quit reading articles in the news about that, too. Believe it or not it helped quite a bit. Now I can watch them again--as long as the story line is only about adults and not kids...then I change the channel.

 

You can also see about getting on some meds for it. Or try herbal supplaments....it will lessen the stress factor, too. Get rid of caffeine and start drinking more water or green tea. Stress has always been a critical part of my life--until I made it so that I ruled it instead of it ruling me. Now I'm quite a bit more relaxed, happier, and even my children have noticed. None of us are gonna live forever....and there's no stress on the other side.

 

Stress can be a M breaker. It can control your emotions, your actions, your thoughts, even your physical well-being. That's why I'm saying to pick and choose your battles. The kids are crying, you're trying to make supper and laundry needs to be done?...give the kids a snack, let the laundry sit and then finish supper. Nothing is perfect and nothing ever needs to be.

[anna13]

I met my husband yesterday , he initially said he wanted to see us ( our child and I ) yesterday but then when i called him he changed it to not really . wow ~ ouch ! I told him that I had food with me to give to him because i had gone out that day with a friend and had soo much extra food. and I knew his budget was so tight that he could use it . I asked him if I could drop it off to him , he said yes. so I did and we visited , he then wanted to go buy our son something so then we did that... then the park . he said that he was glad that we came. since i have been doing more listening then talking , he said to me that he notices the change in me bu he is afraid that it is temporary and all of a sudden he has a hard time believing it . I reasured him once that I really can see the light now. which is the truth , no repeating myself , no nagging , giving him more space. he admitted that he was depressed . I also noticed he has dropped alot of weight , but it could be due to more exersize. anyway , when i left we left on good terms that day. now I find myself thinking about what he said , that he doesnt believe that i have really changed, he believes it somewhat is what he said. then i start to feel insecure , I dont share that with him though, I also feel lonely because I know I miss him more. I feel hurt still because he wont call me to say goodnight, i know that is crazy but that's how i feel . but i dont say it to him . but i hurt. I just try to keep thinking of the future. I remind myself that things are going well not to push it not to crowd him . I know better , but it doesnt hurt any less. I guess I just needed to share.

[everlong]

wow..very kewl folks. not sure of all of the details regarding your situations, seeing i just sort started in this site, but it sounds like a ton of really good work has been going on in your relationships.

 

lori and annns, i not only like the fact that you are really doing great work but you should both be congratulated on the range of issues you are tackling, while continuing to lead a 'normal life' [like we all must do] but also in the way you are discussing these issues [balance, objective, nice tone, etc.]. i think this speaks loudly and shows that not everyone in here believes that the solution to lifes troubles is to rant and rave.

 

i would like to add my 2 cents in here because there are a few things that were mentioned that i can totally related too and perhaps add a male perspective to these issues.

 

there is really one overlying theme throughout all these issues and i see it in your posts, and it occurred in my case, and frankly, it is a universal 'issue' between all men and women in relationships or not - and that is being able to master the art of communication.

 

it is extremely rare [although i know someone can] to have two people that communicate the same way or in ways that is immediately understood by each other. i am not saying that people can't 'learn' to develop better communication skills or that they 'have' to have the same style and abilities - what i am saying IS IMPORTANT is that communication should not be the problem - but the solution.

 

what i have discovered is that when each person stays within their comfort zone and doesn't 'learn' new ways of listening and speaking there will always be problems. this is not to imply that we must change for the other person but that we should change because it helps us become better communicators. i will use something from my past and you will see that the it is similiar to what you have stated. in a previous relastionship, i was the blabber, wanted to talk about everything, all the time. i would communicate in whatever medium was available - verbal, text, etc. i would write long 'essays' regarding a situation while my partner would reply with a paragraph or two. that alone should have been a sign for me to cut back on the volume and breathe and for her to increase slightly her contribution. didn't happen - so it would appear that i was going on and on, making a mountain out of a molehill [when really it was just my 'way' of viewing things - big picture] while she would focus directly on the issue. neither one is wrong but if continued it becomes a problem where one 'sees' the other as not listening or caring and the other not 'being able to let things go' - when in fact both people are capable of doing just that! another point relates to nagging. i think it is a misconspection that women "nag" men while men do not. what i mean by nagging, is repeating over and over again the same story. so why does this happen? ususally because the 'real' response of the listener and the talker is not getting thru to each other. for example: i would bring up an issue, and talk forever, improvising and adding variables as i went along to the point where my partner would glaze over - overload - and when i would see the poker face [meaning i've zoned out - dumbass] i would take it as they either don't get it, or don't care - when in reality all that has happened is they have taken in a certain amount of information, digesting it, and shut off when that is enuff...and ususally the 'quiet one' needs time to assess things while the 'spur of the montgh blabber' works thru things at that moment of communication [hence, they often change their views later when they do what the quiet one has done] so, the style of each person's communication is a major element in all of this. guess which one i might be? lol. and the solution is easy. move out of that comfort zone - the blabber do less talking and more 'real' listening to something other than their own voice and the 'listener' become more actively enagaged in the conversation by talking. makes sense?

 

i'll disuss other things u mentioned in another post...this is long enuff. lol

[everlong]

other issues you have talked about, issues which are truly universal and totally solveable, given the commitment to do so by both people are:

1. privacy

2. space

3. independence

4. stress

5. fear

6. expectations

7. control

and a few others! you have tackled a wide range on this thread

 

when you look at the 7 i have listed you will see they are all connected in some way or another.

 

let me explain: if you go into a relationship simply adhering to your expectations of what a relationship will be - you will always be disappointed because you are not dating/marrying yourself - there is another person involved [and often children and family as well] that will "conflict" with how you 'view' things. if you stick to these things you are doomed. flexiblity and the ability to adapt not for the other person but because you want to is key. if you 'expect' perfection [which is impossible] you are setting yourself up for trouble. if you 'view' the other as being or contributing 'more' to the realtionship, that is just 'fear' that the other person will not see or value what you bring to the table and that fear, creates stress, which leads to needing 'space', thus feeling you are being denied your 'privacy', which in turn makes you feel co-dependent and you rebel 'needing' independence - and at that point there is usually conflict and instead of 'controling things together' you end up seeing control as power issue, as manipulation, as anything but what it ususally is. for example: when things are great, it doesn't feel like control when someone does something for you with asking - but when things are bad, it does. you think, how does he/she know what i want? hence control becomes emotional. when all these things start to add up, that is when the 'need', usually for one person, usually the quiet one, the listener, to retreat and require time alone to 'regroup' - because at that point it has become about the 'issues' and no longer about the partnership - at that point the 'issues' make you doubt the positives you know are true like love, support, understanding...etc. and trying to repair them 'apart' from each other might work to 'repair' that person's part in the situation but it does so at the expense of the 'relationship' - so while each person grows stronger, and better, the 'relationship suffers and that is often the part people forget. like everything else, there needs to be a balance. instead of saying, i need 'a 10 month break to work on myself' [which does nothing for bringing you both together] one should try smaller time allotments that work for both - figure it out within the boundaries of what each needs to do but don't exclude the relationship - becuase to 'get closer as a couple' can't be done when you are apart. you need shared experiences. that's why when people are apart for so long, they are not entirely sure if the other has done the work, because they only see glimpses of it.

 

ok...i'll stop! lol

[anna13]

I see what your saying , he does have his own place so we arent going to spend alot of time together although we have agreed to visit somewhat regularly if that makes sense. maybe once a week or more often depending. I basically know that I need to work on a few things , my husbands needs to work on a few things and we need to work on things together as well . we both have agreed. I have already realized that I cannot control what he thinks or what he feels or what he does. the scary thing for me is that right now this isnt really reality ( meaning it isnt living together with the stresses of teenager) so that concerns me . but we have discussed to work on us for now and when that becomes stronger we will discuss together how we will handle the stress at home. but one step at a time . and we will make sure that if and when the time comes for him to move back ,we will make sure that it is the right thing and that we will all be prepared for . but that is thinking far ahead . we have discussed steps to make our life better. and less stressfull for both of us. but these are small steps in the big picture. One day at a time for now. I am just feeling alone I guess. my husband has become a little more affectionate with me ( kissed me goodbye ) I am just worried about the future . I still have alot of feelings of frustration but I realize that i have to look forward and not back in order to move forward . the other point you made scares me too , if we live apart and he is doing his own things then we wont have shared experiences and we may grow apart. anyway I could go on and on here but I'll stop too . like i said before , he said he didnt really believe that i changed , too me that sounds like he seems like a deer that just got a whiff of a hunter and is about to bolt. . but that could just be all in my head .

[everlong]

funny how we can discuss complex issues easily yet when u use an analogy [deer sniffing the stinky hunter - bolts] i am totally lost! lol

 

ahhhhhhhh....and that last comment just goes back to another main theme you have talked about - fear. we have two innate responses - fight or flight. we can either do the work or run away from our troubles. it sounds to me that you perhaps at one point were 'flighting' but have started to see the benefits of the 'fight' instinct and eventually as more and more good things start happening for you and yer man, that sudden twing of fear will no longer ring as loud and you both will be able to simply 'live in the moment - and just be'

 

i wish you all the best