BF complains I'm messy. Is he belittling me?

[Karen Jenkins]

My BF of 3 years has recently been making comments about my being messy. On one occassion he pointed out to his 12 yr. old daughter that I left the blind hanging crooked when I opened it. I was working on making dinner at the time when I opened the blind which I thought I left hanging only slightly crooked. I didn't try to straighten it because my priority was to get dinner on the table to feed the kids so I didn't care to spend the extra time to make the blind perfectly straight.

 

Another time he complained about my things being all over his house which he pointed out to his 12 yr. old daughter again.

 

He has a condo of his own and there is no space delegated for me to put my bags for an overnight or two.

 

We had a nice weekend together recently except Sun. morn. I woke up with a bad dream that my boyfriend was picking on me about being messy. In my dream I told him I couldn't live with his putting me down and that I was moving out and he said he was OK with that. At that point I woke up. I told my boyfriend about the dream and he then started to make a point about his believing I'm messy. I pointed out that he is not perfect as he smokes and drinks too much (although he is a neat freak and probably better than I am at keeping things neat and organized). I told him he reminds me of the abusive guy in that Movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" with Julia Roberts where her new husband expects her to straighten the canned goods in the cubboard so the labels face forward perfectly with so many inches in between. I told him that I thought we ought to go to counseling because I feel the differences could potentially threaten our relationship. He got up and walked away. Next, I told him that I was packing up my things and going home. He did not try to stop me and he hasn't called 6 hours later.

 

He was supposed to come over to my house 4 min. away in the afternoon that today and help me to paint my deck but obviously didn't feel any obligation to keep his word with me.

 

We have talked about getting married but I can't help but feel sometimes that he is just keeping me around for sex and to be his lacky as I've helped him set up his home for his children while he was going through his divorce and that I wonder if he has any intentions of marrying me. as he claims.

 

Has anyone dealt with this kind of thing? I would appreciate you kind advice

[brisman]

Just telling you you're messy isn't belittling. You don't even claim to not be messy.

 

Honestly, it sounds to me like you're over-reacting. You write that you want him to go to counselling, but don't mention anything more significant in your relationship than "he says I'm messy". And you say you tell him he's abusive ???

 

You're concerned he hasn't called you in 6 hours ??

 

Please consider not worrying about the little things. Life's too short.

[LakesideDream]

Hmmm... you are dating a "neat freak" this his something you have known for awhile eh? You say he keeps his condo in a certain way, and wants to keep it that way and that's abuse? (I am a slob BTW).

 

Next you have a dream, wake up and "mention" it to him, a argument ensues, you morph into Julia Roberts, pack your things and go home. You are suprised when he doesen't come over a few hours later to paint your deck?

 

Why in the world would he want to "paint your deck" and expose himself to another argument? The Deck will be there next week.

 

Men are easy to please. Nowhere in your post does it mention what he does that makes you happy, it's all about what he does that makes you angry.

 

Maybe if you are real lucky, he will ask you for "some space" or time to "get himself together". Then your problem will be solved.

[Karen Jenkins]

Am I being childish or is he looking for a way to bag out of the relationship? He hasn't called me in two days? Is he sending me a message he doesn't care about me? Should I call him?

 

Since I packed up my things Sunday and left his place (so he couldn't complain about my things messing up his house) here it is Tuesday morn. and he hasn't called me yet when he normally calls me 3 and 4 times a day.

 

Before I left I told him I was upset about his increasing negative remarks about my being messy to the point I had a nightmare about it. He asked me to share my dream. I told him in my dream he was on my case telling me how I was a messy person and that I needed to change and I felt he didn't value me. I told him I feared that if we were married and he treated me like that it would hurt my self-confidence (like my ex-husband did who is a lawyer and very critial). My boyfriend sympathized with me but then within a few hours he was back to justifying his opinion about my being a messy person. I even made him a wonderful omelet that morning which he raved about.

 

He invites me to stay over for the weekend and I have to bring my things. He complains about seeing my stuff lay about but he doesn't designate a place for me to put them. I've noticed his complaints have been more recent and frequently. Like I said in my earlier post, he's been recently openly criticizing me in front of and complaining to his 12 yr. old daughter pointing out to her what he feels are my mistakes. For example, when I opened the kitchen blind and it went a little crooked he made a point of it and told her "Look how messy she is." (while I was making dinner for his family!) I asked him if he was serious and he said he was. Other times he's complained to her in my presence about my leaving a glass in the living room or something trivial like that. Why would he involve her? Does he want her to disrespect me?

 

Regarding the kitchen blind, when I think about it, the strings don't line up evenly which makes the blind open crooked.

 

He's known me for 3 years. I have helped him set up house several times when he's moved and have always been there for him. I've tried to be a supportive, loyal, loving and caring companion at his beck and call. I spend alot of time with him and his kids because he asks me to and it impacts my ability to get my things done at my own home which he rarely offers to help me with. However, he does help me out financially which I suppose he feel compensates. He doesn't try to spend any time with my 15 and 11 yr. old. He has even gone so far to tell me that when he doesn't have his kids he doesn't want to be around mine.

 

I suppose I'm a little sensitive because I'm frustrated about my own home being disorganized. I spend the majority of my time with my boyfriend and at his house at his request. My older brother lives with me and my mother stays with me alot and they contribute to my house being disorganized. I've been going through a divorce for 3 years which cuts alot into my time and focus as well.

 

Why would he ignore me when he knows I left his house upset about his remarks. As I said, we've been together 3 years and he swears he wants to marry me. We're very compatibile (I think?) and I like his kids and he tells me he appreciates how good I am to them. But I doubt his sincerety when he focuses on the negative things about me. Is he looking for a way to bag out of the relationship but feels guilty about it so he's stringing me along? Is he keeping me around because it's convenient and he has a consistent place to get sex? I think it's possible he didn't want to hep me with my deck on Sunday so he picked a fight with me on purpose.

 

He drinks alot (about $100 in wine a week) and chain smokes. Where does he get the nerve to point out my flaws? I don't threaten to leave him and nag him constantly for them. I do tell him, however, that I worry about his health and our future together if he doesn't quit smoking, which he construes as nagging. I had threatened to break up with him in the past for those habits but he claimed he intends on quitting smoking and drinking less because he feels he needs to and that he needs me to be more supportive so I work at being patient with him and encouraging. He hasn't followed through to date (uses the excuse he's waiting for a less stressful time in his life).

 

Now that I've given more information does it change your perspective or not?

 

Thanks for listening.

[Guest]

I would not waste one more second of my life worrying about him. You are MUCH better off without a controlling, neatfreak, complaining jerk in your life.

 

Why oh why do women settle for pieces of junk like him? Drop him - you're better off spending the rest of your life alone than putting up with that kind of stupid garbage. Wake up and smell the jerk!!!!

[Karen Jenkins]

Am I being childish or is he looking for a way to bag out of the relationship? He hasn't called me in two days? Is he sending me a message he doesn't care about me? Should I call him?

 

Since I packed up my things Sunday and left his place (so he couldn't complain about my things messing up his house) here it is Tuesday morn. and he hasn't called me yet when he normally calls me 3 and 4 times a day.

 

Before I left I told him I was upset about his increasing negative remarks about my being messy to the point I had a nightmare about it. He asked me to share my dream. I told him in my dream he was on my case telling me how I was a messy person and that I needed to change and I felt he didn't value me. I told him I feared that if we were married and he treated me like that it would hurt my self-confidence (like my ex-husband did who is a lawyer and very critial). My boyfriend sympathized with me but then within a few hours he was back to justifying his opinion about my being a messy person. I even made him a wonderful omelet that morning which he raved about.

 

He invites me to stay over for the weekend and I have to bring my things. He complains about seeing my stuff lay about but he doesn't designate a place for me to put them. I've noticed his complaints have been more recent and frequently. Like I said in my earlier post, he's been recently openly criticizing me in front of and complaining to his 12 yr. old daughter pointing out to her what he feels are my mistakes. For example, when I opened the kitchen blind and it went a little crooked he made a point of it and told her "Look how messy she is." (while I was making dinner for his family!) I asked him if he was serious and he said he was. Other times he's complained to her in my presence about my leaving a glass in the living room or something trivial like that. Why would he involve her? Does he want her to disrespect me?

 

Regarding the kitchen blind, when I think about it, the strings don't line up evenly which makes the blind open crooked.

 

He's known me for 3 years. I have helped him set up house several times when he's moved and have always been there for him. I've tried to be a supportive, loyal, loving and caring companion at his beck and call. I spend alot of time with him and his kids because he asks me to and it impacts my ability to get my things done at my own home which he rarely offers to help me with. However, he does help me out financially which I suppose he feel compensates. He doesn't try to spend any time with my 15 and 11 yr. old. He has even gone so far to tell me that when he doesn't have his kids he doesn't want to be around mine.

 

I suppose I'm a little sensitive because I'm frustrated about my own home being disorganized. I spend the majority of my time with my boyfriend and at his house at his request. My older brother lives with me and my mother stays with me alot and they contribute to my house being disorganized. I've been going through a divorce for 3 years which cuts alot into my time and focus as well.

 

Why would he ignore me when he knows I left his house upset about his remarks. As I said, we've been together 3 years and he swears he wants to marry me. We're very compatibile (I think?) and I like his kids and he tells me he appreciates how good I am to them. But I doubt his sincerety when he focuses on the negative things about me. Is he looking for a way to bag out of the relationship but feels guilty about it so he's stringing me along? Is he keeping me around because it's convenient and he has a consistent place to get sex? I think it's possible he didn't want to hep me with my deck on Sunday so he picked a fight with me on purpose.

 

He drinks alot (about $100 in wine a week) and chain smokes. Where does he get the nerve to point out my flaws? I don't threaten to leave him and nag him constantly for them. I do tell him, however, that I worry about his health and our future together if he doesn't quit smoking, which he construes as nagging. I had threatened to break up with him in the past for those habits but he claimed he intends on quitting smoking and drinking less because he feels he needs to and that he needs me to be more supportive so I work at being patient with him and encouraging. He hasn't followed through to date (uses the excuse he's waiting for a less stressful time in his life).

 

Now that I've given more information does it change your perspective or not?

 

Thanks for listening.

[Karen Jenkins]

I told my boyfriend I was upset about his criticizing me and then he proceeded to continue to criticize me. After I cooked him a great meal.

 

So I'm not as neat as he is. He's not perfect either and wouldn't like my constantly pointing it out.

 

Aren't partners supposed to protect each other's self-esteem or are you so confident in yourself you never need reassurance?

 

You tell me maybe I'll be lucky if he tells me he wants space as if I'm such a terrible person.

 

I think you're pretty insensitive.

[Karen Jenkins]

Now he hasn't called me in 2 days when he normally calls me 3 times a day. He knew I left upset over his picking on me (after I made him a great breakfast). How am I supposed to react to this?

[LakesideDream]

Karen, (great name btw) again you have listed things that you don't like about your B/F and your situation. The only thing you do like is that he "Helps you out Financially". Doesen't that seem a little strange to you?

 

All this is going on when you are still married to another man, "going through a divorce". Living with your mother, brother, and taking care of your two teenage kids. Sounds like your plate is full enough already.

 

Yup you made him a nice breakfast.

 

I wouldn't worry to much until it's time for his next "compensation check" to arrive and it doesen't. If he withdraws his "financial support" it's probably his way of saying....

 

"I need space" and "Let's take a break for awhile, to see how we really feel".

[Buttaflyy]

I've had this argument with my BF for a while but, you both have to learn to accept each other for who you are. You can try to pick up a little better and he can try and be more sensitive and not come down on you so hard (or whatever you think he needs to work on). When it happens he can tell you (not his daughter) right then and there. Try not to take it so personal, it doesn't sound as if he's trying to hurt you, as he didn't mention it to you initially.

 

I know how you feel, I'm the messier one in my household. I don't think you guys should end it over this. You can work it out if you compromise.

[SomeGirl1955]

What's the big deal about a crooked blind. Couldn't he straighten it while you were in the kitchen cooking for him and HIS children? Was he too busy sloshing down the wine? I beg to differ with the other opinions you are received here. Although you have pointed out some minor criticism, I get the sense you have done just that--pointed out just a few examples, probably out of a long list. You indicated this is a constant pattern with him, of criticizing you in front of his daughter. It seems to me it is almost as if he is trying to belitte you in HER eyes, so I am wondering WHY? And how are you going to marry this man if he doesn't want YOUR kids around except when HIS kids are around? Do you also do the dishes after you have cooked for them or does he and the 12 year old pitch in and do them since you cooked? If he said he was going to help with the deck on Sunday but then didn't even bother calling saying he didn't feel like or didn't want to be around you or whatever his excuse was, this seems disrepectful to me. Let him cook for and entertain his own kid for awhile. Nice he helps you out financially, but sounds like you do some maid service for him, so tit for tat.

[LakesideDream]

What's the big deal about a crooked blind. Couldn't he straighten it while you were in the kitchen cooking for him and HIS children? Was he too busy sloshing down the wine? I beg to differ with the other opinions you are received here. Although you have pointed out some minor criticism, I get the sense you have done just that--pointed out just a few examples, probably out of a long list. You indicated this is a constant pattern with him, of criticizing you in front of his daughter. It seems to me it is almost as if he is trying to belitte you in HER eyes, so I am wondering WHY? And how are you going to marry this man if he doesn't want YOUR kids around except when HIS kids are around? Do you also do the dishes after you have cooked for them or does he and the 12 year old pitch in and do them since you cooked? If he said he was going to help with the deck on Sunday but then didn't even bother calling saying he didn't feel like or didn't want to be around you or whatever his excuse was, this seems disrepectful to me. Let him cook for and entertain his own kid for awhile. Nice he helps you out financially, but sounds like you do some maid service for him, so tit for tat.

 

 

Yup, great idea, lay it on thick. I doesen't sound to me like this man she is busy being critical of "needs" her to be around very much. He just likes having her around.

 

Give her that gung ho, feminist stuff.. get her all jacked up about what she doesen't like, and see where it leads. My guess is that he will continue to keep a neat and tidy house, take care of his own financial responsibilities, and find someone else to share his largess with.

 

Karen may win the "battle" of the blinds, and lose the war leaving herself taking care of her kids, her mom and her brother without the "gawd dam neat freaks" financial and emotional support. If so, so be it. the "neat freak" doesen't sound like he will have any trouble taking care of just himself.

[SomeGirl1955]

Point taken, Lakeside. I understand he is entitled to his neatness, but it just seems to me if he doesn't want her bags heaped in a pile he should clear some space, such as a drawer and section of the closet for her. It also seems to me that this should be something discussed between the two of them, so I don't get why he keeps pointing out her faults to the 12 year old. I also don't get why he doesn't want HER kids around except when his kids are. It just seems to me there may be some bigger issues going on here besides neatness, but what the hell do I know? As fo rmy being a feminist---hell, I wish........

[Buttaflyy]

Point taken, Lakeside. I understand he is entitled to his neatness, but it just seems to me if he doesn't want her bags heaped in a pile he should clear some space, such as a drawer and section of the closet for her. It also seems to me that this should be something discussed between the two of them, so I don't get why he keeps pointing out her faults to the 12 year old. I also don't get why he doesn't want HER kids around except when his kids are. It just seems to me there may be some bigger issues going on here besides neatness, but what the hell do I know? As fo rmy being a feminist---hell, I wish........

 

Ditto on this! I missed the OP's updated posts. There are some much bigger problems here that should be considered.

[Guest]

You tell me maybe I'll be lucky if he tells me he wants space as if I'm such a terrible person.

 

I think you're pretty insensitive

 

You're not getting it. I don't give a hoot his reasons for wanting you gone. I think you should be gone and will be lucky to be rid of him.

 

And to Lakeside, you try living like this sometime and then see how grateful you are. You seem to think that because he has money, she should take any kind of garbage from him and be grateful. You could not be further wrong. Once you sell your dignity and your right to be treated with respect, you've got nothing - even if your bank account is full.

[LakesideDream]

You're not getting it. I don't give a hoot his reasons for wanting you gone. I think you should be gone and will be lucky to be rid of him.

 

And to Lakeside, you try living like this sometime and then see how grateful you are. You seem to think that because he has money, she should take any kind of garbage from him and be grateful. You could not be further wrong. Once you sell your dignity and your right to be treated with respect, you've got nothing - even if your bank account is full.

 

 

Oh.. I get it. I also "read it". Whatever is going on in this relationship has been "going on" for almost three years now. Obviously the "abused woman" knows this guys rules. Do I think he is being sensitive to her? No. Is this guy a person I would want for a buddy? Probably not. The fact remains that she knows what the game is.

 

She is and has been absolutely free to change her status at any time. Here and her BF are not married, or even in a committed relationship... heck she is still married to someone else! The fact that she provides childcare, cooking, and sex and recieves only "financial contributions" is self explanitory.

 

Take the CASH out of the equasion and everything changes. Without the CASH as her self proclaimed only positive reinforcment for performing services, and it becomes a boyfriend/girlfriend problem where this guy sounds like a real jerk.

 

Once the CASH re-enters the equasion it becomes a matter of equitable compensation. Maybe she should ask for a raise?

[Guest]

has been "going on" for almost three years now

 

So? Women stay in abusive relationships much longer than that just to have a male in their home. Any male. They remember how wonderful the guy was when they first met and hang in through whatever junk he dishes out later waiting for him to be the man he 'used to be'. Some of them eventually wake up. Others live their whole lives under the thumb of some @$$wipe. But it doesn't mean that people who are concerned ought not try to extract her from the situation.

 

As someone else said, it's like boiling a frog - first it's minor. And she gets used to it. Then it increases a bit. And she gets used to it. The escalation is in small increments until she's standing for behaviour that would have caused her to flee had it appeared at the very beginning.

 

But sometimes when you point out what's happening, they suddenly realize how they've been fooled into accepting behaviour they never would have and never should. And they take their dignity and leave.