How would you feel in a sexless marriage?

[cranium]

She is highly unlikely to try to woo you when she has no desire to have sex with you. Do you know if she has a desire at all? If not, maybe she should see a doctor or therapist.

 

Going with my gut feeling after 20 years together, I believe she is haunted by unresolved issues that pre-date our relationship. I've encouraged her many times to see a therapist.

 

Now that I have a high libido, I see sex as a way to explore myself, to connect with my body, and to connect with another person deeply. A low libido partner will NEVER be able to understand this.

 

Of course, none of this would apply for a woman who has desire, but withholds sex for other reasons. But, I really do think, like M Sally suggested, that most women do not withhold sex for trivial reasons. It's not that a man has to hang from the rafters to make sex pleasurable, but the simple "in and out" just doesn't cut it for most women. For men who are willing to explore, I suggest exploring! Unfortunately, my H wasn't willing to try anything but the missionary position, so I was plain out of luck...which also meant he was out of luck. Why would ANYONE withhold sex if it is fantastic? Keep in mind, guys, that there ARE legitimate reasons why a woman's libido might be low - and these include hormonal birth control and breast feeding among other things.

 

I read the following recently - “Without sexuality; with dissatisfaction in a sexual relationship, something wears away – the relationship rusts and the harmony fades. Loss of sexuality in a relationship can dull the vitality and create separation. It heightens the risk of creating an emotional chasm or someone having an affair.”

 

My marriage is not sexless in that I see no action. It's more that when we are intimate, it is all about her. She definitely gets hers. I've always been more than willing to explore and would like that reciprocated. If anyone should be withholding for lack exploration or dissatisfaction (physically and emotionally), it's me. This is the point I was making about sex being a shared experience where each partner is there fully present to and for the other. It's the He Comes Next chapter that she shows no interest in reading.

[RecordProducer]

Men give love to get sex, women give sex to gain love...

Men have sex to relieve tension, women talk to relieve tension...

Men view sex as a need, women view sex as a gift...

Bullsh*t! I need sex just like I need food or water. Of course, I get no pleasure in f*cking a stranger, unlike many men, but we're talking about spouses here who supposedly love each other.

 

I don't "give" sex to anyone, I receive it because I need it and want it. And no signs of love and affection can replace sex for me. When my husband is not in the mood and I am, I feel frustrated. I have a physical need and the urge to quench it. It's not about love. It's totally about erotic pleasure and excitement, about the libido that naturally resides in me, imposed by nature who wants to force me to reproduce. Just because I want sex with someone I love and not just anyone doesn't make sex a synonym for love. We are also picky about food which doesn't interfere with the fact that we get hungry and need food.

 

Nature has made us in a way that we feel like we NEED (must have) sex just like food or water or air, because we must prolong the species; it's encoded in our instincts very deeply. So basically, trying to fight this need is like trying to fight the need to pee - it hurts. Deprivation from sex hurts. You may say it's not physical pain, but starvation or dehydration or freezing to death also don't hurt literally. Nonetheless, they cause death. In nature's eyes, lack of sex means extinction of the species. So although on the individual level, you might be perfectly fine without sex, on the global level, lack of sex equals death in the long run.

[MySugaree]

"You can’t marry someone and tell them “From now on, I’m the only person you can have sex with”, and then not have sex with them. That’s bs - life’s to short. Look at Mr. Blue –eleven times in three years??? It’s not lame of you to count; it is your wife’s behavior that is lame. If her issue is medical, mental, emotional, wherever, she has a responsibility to herself and to you to figure it out. There is no reason you should be alone in a relationship for life."

 

Even better put, cranium.

 

Quality sex matters-- as much as love and marriage.

 

Life without Eros ain't no life at all.

[RecordProducer]

"You can’t marry someone and tell them “From now on, I’m the only person you can have sex with”, and then not have sex with them. That’s bs - life’s to short. Look at Mr. Blue –eleven times in three years??? It’s not lame of you to count; it is your wife’s behavior that is lame. If her issue is medical, mental, emotional, wherever, she has a responsibility to herself and to you to figure it out. There is no reason you should be alone in a relationship for life."

 

I agree. And if they are medically incapable of having sex then they should be unselfish enough to let their spouse have it on aside. It would be very painful for me to love my husband and have sexual relief elsewhere, because I want the love and sex components in one house (I guess that means I could bring the BF to live with us and be our gardener ). But to know that your spouse won't please you and at the same time won't let you be pleased at all creates a lot of resentment.

 

I think if I were diagnosed with something and felt a lot of pain during sex and knew that it's never going to be better, I would certainly please my husband manually and orally or let him have sex with someone else. But to acquire an attitude: "I love you very much, but you will never have sex again (regularly)!" is only evoking questions like "Never? But that's if you don't find out about it... or if I choose to stay married to you."

[Mr. Lucky]

I can empathize with those who look elsewhere to satisfy their needs because their not getting it in their relationship but still want their relationship to work because the sex is the only part thats broken.

I don't see how sex can be the only part broken in a relationship and I'm always amazed when I read that. The broken sex life is merely a symtom - I can almost guarantee you the real problem lies elsewhere...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Guest]

There are many threads here about sexless marriages and sometimes people give ridiculous answers to the posters who need sex or at least that's my humble opinion.

 

We all have sexual needs, they are not related to love, anger or somebody's weight; they tend to be more related to hormones, age, etc. I think denying somebody's or your own sexual desire is in the least STUPID, as you can't run away from your sexual hunger. Secondly, it's mocking nature which has put millions of years of effort in making us what we are. Finally, no matter how much you want to be "holy" and non-superficial, if you want sex, you just want it.

 

So for those who think that sexless marriages should not be divorced after many attempts of trying to working on the issue or that sex isn't that important, I have a question: how do you deal with your need when you want to f*ck? How do you persuade yourself that it's only in your head and doesn't need to be fulfilled? How can you be happy in a relationship with no sex? Is that platonic love or not love at all?

 

And one more question... what do you consider to be sexless? Once a week? Once a month? How about twice a month where YOU initiate it and your partner reluctantly accepts it?

 

Would you dump a partner with whom your sexual life brings you nothing but frustration?

 

 

i would never dump my partner for that - i would work on it with her. however, people change, sometimes they stop finding u attarctive, just like people falliong out of love

however, i could not be in a long term relationship with being initimate with my woman. i know that sounds horrible, but it is not about sex, its about connections

[Guest]

M Sally,

 

I'm so glad that you and your H are working on being selfish in the bedroom together. You're very lucky to have someone that is willing to try new things! I really hope it works out for you! For me, my H was just so verbally abusive and defensive when critisized that any suggestion (whether bedroom-related or not) usually elicited the reply "you're stupid" or "I don't care". If it weren't his idea, then there was no considering it. I finally realized that there's just no working with that! I've decided to be "selfish" in all areas of life with the exception of being a good mother to my children. Now that I have entered my 2nd adolescence, I hope I will find someone who'd like to have lots of fun with me!

 

MySugaree,

Yes quality of sex matters! I don't know why people put up with less if it's important to them. I certainly won't make that mistake again!

 

the important part to remember is what happens in yer everyday life carries over in to the bedroom. if u put people down and don't take care of yerself - there is nothing that states the other must put up with that

personally, when u take care of yer mind and body, pay attention to yer partner and do things romantically and show them how special u are - the last place u need to worry about is the bedroom. there's a difference between being selfish with inclusion, and being an *******

[RecordProducer]

I don't see how sex can be the only part broken in a relationship and I'm always amazed when I read that.

We are not talking about a broken part that you can fix, we are talking about a missing part that you can't find. So you either find it or replace it!

 

Sex CAN be the only part missing. The reasons can be medical or psychological (which is again medical in a way - it just involves the brain instead of the body) and they can be totally NOT related to the dynamics and quality of the marriage itself.

 

When a person refuses to have sex with his or her spouse long-term, it's a matter of low libido, not a lack of desire specifically for their spouse. You can't fake that your reasons are medical or you're too tired for months only because your spouse doesn't turn you on anymore. We all have needs and it's not like we woke up some day and realized we are on a blind date with someone we don't like and it happened to be our spouse.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are not talking about a broken part that you can fix, we are talking about a missing part that you can't find. So you either find it or replace it!

 

Sex CAN be the only part missing. The reasons can be medical or psychological (which is again medical in a way - it just involves the brain instead of the body) and they can be totally NOT related to the dynamics and quality of the marriage itself.

 

When a person refuses to have sex with his or her spouse long-term, it's a matter of low libido, not a lack of desire specifically for their spouse. You can't fake that your reasons are medical or you're too tired for months only because your spouse doesn't turn you on anymore. We all have needs and it's not like we woke up some day and realized we are on a blind date with someone we don't like and it happened to be our spouse.

 

You make some good points, RP, and I don't want to get bogged down in semantics. Yes, there can be medical reasons why one partner would not have sex. Our last child was delivered through C-section so there wasn't any intercourse during the recovery period (although my sweet wife did provide for me once or twice during that time ).

 

But I really wonder how many of these long-term low libido situations exist separate from the rest of the relationship? Wouldn't there also be issues of communication, trust, respect and commitment? For instance, how many couples have great communication in their relationship yet can't talk about sex? I doubt that occurs very often. Just my opinion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecordProducer]

Our last child was delivered through C-section so there wasn't any intercourse during the recovery period (although my sweet wife did provide for me once or twice during that time ).

The recovery period was 4 weeks for me after a C-section.

 

But I really wonder how many of these long-term low libido situations exist separate from the rest of the relationship? Wouldn't there also be issues of communication, trust, respect and commitment?

Why? If your spouse has diabetes (male) or cervix cancer or menopause and they are impotent/frigid, how is that affecting the communication, trust, respect and commitment unless the deprived one decides to cheat?

 

For instance, how many couples have great communication in their relationship yet can't talk about sex? I doubt that occurs very often. Just my opinion...

I really don't know, but I would assume that most couples are able to talk freely about sex. I am sure there is some info about it that sexologists might have provided.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Seriously, what cave have you been living in?

 

Apparently you've been living in some feminist cave... My point was that men today are afraid to offend their wives, while the wife has no problem in "offending" her man by withholding sex as if it was her unilateral right to decide all mattes regarding sex. When, how, where. ... it's all her decision. Not a joint one.

 

And if a man gives into that, he's beaten. He's lost the battle of the sexes. I'm saying men need to stand up to that feminist non-sense and assert their male rights. Men do have rights don't we? Just as many as women's rights.

 

You do not announce to your frigid wife that you will be looking elsewhere for sexual gratification if she does not step it up.

Why not? You might find it actually works. Sometimes a woman is "frigid" because she thinks you aren't very manly, you let her push you around so why should she think of you as a "real" man? You aren't a guy with confidence. You're a wimp if you let her continually get away with saying no without taking a stand. She will begin to believe you don't really care all that much about her because you aren't willing to fight very hard to get her. I don't mean physically fight, I mean the kind of things a guy does while courting a future bride - the chase, trying hard to impress, to express love in many different ways.

 

You may as well sign over all parental rights, all worldly assets and walk away.

That's one choice. Divorce. Another is to tell her, look, part of marriage is sex. You aren't interested so I'll go else where. If she objects ask why? She's not involved, she isn't being deprived of anything because she doesn't want any sex - that's why you are going else where. She should be happy to have you not bother her for it anymore.

 

Or is it a wife's right to torment her husband? She has a right to lock up his balls, decide he can never have sex with a woman again? Sorry, I'm not buying that.

 

Communication is one thing, but it only works if both parties are willing to talk, compromise, concede. Women that withhold sex from their husband do not compromise. They do not concede.

That could very well be the outcome. But I say is it is worth a shot to get them to wake up rather than drop the D-bomb on them. By informing that the situation is deadly serious, that you (that man) are not going to live in a sexless marriage any more and that you aren't going to divorce her or leave the kids but you are going to have sex with some female she has a choice to make. She can decide to be that female or let you have someone else. It puts the ball in her court.

 

And that worked for me. Now of course I didn't talk as frankly or burtally as I make is seem here. It was a conversation over many nights - a couple months actually. It took time.

 

At first she told me to just go have an affair. Get an apartment. It took me a long time to convince her that the woman I really wanted to have as my mistress was her. When that finally sunk in she started to change. Her main problem was she didn't think I really loved her anymore. That all I was about was wanting sex for myself. She dind't understand that sex for me was about pleasing her. Not just using her in place of my hand.

 

They will talk, but mainly to hear the sound of their own voice, and if they listen it is only to try to catch a misspoken phrase or to seek out perceived veiled jabs she imagines you making. In short, she is only interested in what pertains to her. What effects her. What she will get out of negotiations.

If that is the case then you don't have a partner to deal with, so move on. If she can't see the problem as one that you both "own" then yeah, not much hope.

 

This type of female behavior, I understand, used to be relatively rare, but is now commonplace. Sex has become a weapon, both offensive and defensive that women wield in order to get what they want.

That's always been the case.

 

 

The problem is, they have little concept of how large that weapon is, like a two-year-old playing with a loaded assault rifle. Using that kind of power casually and recklessly results in serious, irreversible damage (cheating).

Exactly. Women do not understand the importance of sex to men because they aren't men, don't think like men, don't see the world from a male point of view, don't have male hormones. Women tend to think men think of sex they way women think of sex. And that leads to a whole lot of misunderstanding between the sexes. Men too do this. They think of sex the way men do and not the way women do.

 

I would wager that the VAST majority of all infidelity begins with sex being withheld by the wife, and that withholding began with something impossibly trivial. As she withholds, he resents. As he resents, he behaves cold and hostile towards her. She withholds longer as punishment. He withdraws, or is now openly hostile. She withholds some more, based on his behavior. He gives up, looks outside the marriage for sex/intimacy. She wonders "where it all went wrong".

That may explain some cheating. Do you think a woman withholding sex accounts for wives cheating on their husbands? It can certainly push men to it. But some men cheat simply because they want some variety in their sex life. And because a new conquest is a thrill. And you can't get that same thrill with the wife. She's already been conquered. No thrill of the chase there.

 

But the resentment cycle can be very real. That applied in my case. She thought I didn't love her, so she wasn't interested in having sex. I thought she didn't love me any more, and in fact has having an affair, because she wasn't interested in sex with me. If figured she must have been getting it somewhere because she always liked sex in the early part of our marrige. Something changed. So we had less and less sex and that death spiral continued until I just couldn't take it anymore. I had essentially only four choices. 1) suicide - not a good option but being depressed over losing the love of my life I considered it (breifly), 2) cheat - break my vow, dishonor myself and if discovered hurt the woman I love the most - something I didn't want to do, 3) divorce - throw away family and many years of history - not a good option, 4) live with a sexless marriage for the rest of my life - essentially living in pain. None of those were good options. Out of frustration I finally confronted my wife because I wanted sex, but I also wanted more than that. I wanted our relationship "fixed".

 

She could have stopped this whole cycle at anytime by stopping her policy of withholding, but her selfishness and stubborness prevented her from doing this.

Look if you understand why women have sex, how it's different for them from how a man views sex you would understand it isn't stubborness.

 

My wife felt unloved so she had no interest in sex with me. I was totally unaware that she felt that way. To me it was she dind't love me because she didn't want sex with me. She came to view my advances as selfish, not as an expression of my love for her.

 

Women have sex when they feel loved by a man. They want that emotional connection first then they will consumate that with love making. But if they don't feel loved, if all they feel is "used", then they lose interest in sex. For men, a woman rejecting our advance tells us they don't love us. When a woman has sex with us we feel that she loves us. She just gave her body to us and she accepted our body.

 

The man's behavior is nearly unavoidable in this situation because there is biochemistry at work ..

Women are affected just as much by biochemistry. The thing is their triggers are all different. And not understanding them means a man is likely to get rejected.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I'd bet that many women withhold sex because they are DISSATISFIED with it, plain and simple. I personally don't think that is a trivial reason.

 

Uh.... so is that why such a woman would also have an affair? To find a more satisfying sexual partner? That might apply to some women, but I think most affairs that women have focus more on the emotional side than the physical side. Many women say they started the affair knowing that they would eventually have to have sex to keep the man interested but sex wasn't their main goal.

 

So can a woman have really satisfying sex with a man she doesn't feel loves her? Men can more easily than women I think. That's why there are more men hiring women prostitutes than women hiring male prostitutes.

 

Now, they may not have been upfront in communicating their dissatisfaction to their mates, and that is a huge issue that these women need to take responsibility for. But, come on, if the sex is good (physically and emotionally),

What's emotion got to do with getting laid? It is interesting that you say physically and emotionally (I'm assuming you are female Sally...) Would a man care about the emotional side of sex?

 

Ask your wife if she's TRULY satisfied with the sex you've had with her. Then make judgements about whether the reason for withholding is trivial or not.

The was nothing trivial about it. My wife didn't enjoy the physical because the emotional content wasn't there. And I wasn't enjoy it because she wasn't into the physical side of it.

 

The biggest turn on for me would be my wife saying "honey, I just have to have you tonight. Right now. I want it. I need it. I've got to have it... " The biggest turn off would be her saying, "OK, here I've got 'em spread, stick it in and get yourself off. Hurry up so I can go to sleep." If she's not going to enjoy the physical love making then I'm not going to either. And she's not going to enjoy the physical if she doesn't get that "loving feeling" - the emotional side first.

 

I will maintain that women (generally) aren't going to enjoy the physical side of love making unless the are first turned on to the emotional side.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Bullsh*t! I need sex just like I need food or water. Of course, I get no pleasure in f*cking a stranger, unlike many men,

 

RP that's what I'm talking about when I say women need the emotional connection first to enjoy the physical acts of sex. Women (generally) don't enjoy sex with strangers. They want an "intimate" relationship with a man first and then the sex tops it off. More than sex a woman needs the emotional part. A man OTOH can just have sex without any emotional connection and still enjoy the experience.

 

but we're talking about spouses here who supposedly love each other.

The big catch there is "supposedly"... Lots of people think they are loving their partner when it fact they aren't. Sometimes I wonder if people even know what love is. You'd think with all the books, plays, poems, songs and movies written about love you'd think we'd have some idea.

 

I don't "give" sex to anyone, I receive it because I need it and want it. And no signs of love and affection can replace sex for me. When my husband is not in the mood and I am, I feel frustrated. I have a physical need and the urge to quench it. It's not about love. It's totally about erotic pleasure and excitement, about the libido that naturally resides in me, imposed by nature who wants to force me to reproduce.

That's the drive for sure. But can you enjoy sex with a man you feel no longer loves you? Or does that need simply vanish?

 

Just because I want sex with someone I love and not just anyone doesn't make sex a synonym for love.

You gotta explain that one to me. If you don't want sex with just anyone, but only with the one you love, then how is it that for a woman like you, sex and love don't have to be combined for the sex to enjoyable?

 

We are also picky about food which doesn't interfere with the fact that we get hungry and need food.

All preferences aside, if I'm starving to death I'll eat just about anything. When we are starving we become a whole lot less "picky".

 

...Deprivation from sex hurts.

It seems to hurt men more than women though. At least at certain stages of their life women seem to be able to forgo sex much more easily than men can. I know women "peak" in the sexual drives usually in their thirties. Probably as part of the species preservation thing... a last ditch effort at baby production.

 

You may say it's not physical pain, but starvation or dehydration or freezing to death also don't hurt literally.

Uh, actually they do, except for freezing.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I don't see how sex can be the only part broken in a relationship and I'm always amazed when I read that. The broken sex life is merely a symtom - I can almost guarantee you the real problem lies elsewhere...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Absolutely.

 

And judging from the length of this thread and it's long duration I'd say this is a rather large issue for a lot of relationships.

[new_stella]

The biggest turn on for me would be my wife saying "honey, I just have to have you tonight. Right now. I want it. I need it. I've got to have it... " The biggest turn off would be her saying, "OK, here I've got 'em spread, stick it in and get yourself off. Hurry up so I can go to sleep." If she's not going to enjoy the physical love making then I'm not going to either. And she's not going to enjoy the physical if she doesn't get that "loving feeling" - the emotional side first.

I will maintain that women (generally) aren't going to enjoy the physical side of love making unless the are first turned on to the emotional side.

 

See, you’re just showing that sex is not all about the physical side for men neither.

You need her to want you; you need her to desire you… These are emotions.

What women feel is very similar.

 

Also, you are absolutely right that women are affected just as much by biochemistry as men.

Maybe we are not that different after all

 

It seems that you just answered you own questions (What's emotion got to do with getting laid? Would a man care about the emotional side of sex?)

 

 

I'd bet that many women withhold sex because they are DISSATISFIED with it, plain and simple. I personally don't think that is a trivial reason.

This is also a very good point. I think many people seriously underestimate this reason.

[Flyin in Clouds]

See, you’re just showing that sex is not all about the physical side for men neither.

You need her to want you; you need her to desire you… These are emotions.

What women feel is very similar.

I never said there wasn't an emotional part for men. It was a matter of what was primary. While men can enjoy sex without emotional attachment it doesn't seem many women can or do.

 

A woman tends to have sex with a man after she has establish an emotional connection with him not before.

 

A man tends to form a stronger emotional connection to a woman after he has had sex with her.

 

Also, you are absolutely right that women are affected just as much by biochemistry as men.

Maybe we are not that different after all

No men and women are way different. The biochemistry is all different.

 

It seems that you just answered you own questions (What's emotion got to do with getting laid? Would a man care about the emotional side of sex?)

Does a man have any emotional connection to a prostitute?

 

And displaying enthusiasm for sex ("I want your body now") I don't think is the same as, "honey, do you really love me".

 

This is also a very good point. I think many people seriously underestimate this reason.

So if women withhold sex because they are dissatisfied with it, and the husband goes elsewhere to get satisfaction, is he to blame or his wife? You know sometimes men cheat on their wives beause their wives suck in bed, er ... uh,, ... well uh, because the wives don't suck very well...

[pricillia]

I think that stress and the relationship that you have with that person has everything to do with an flourishing sex life.

 

Also age, mindset is a factor as well.

 

But now I know just how important intamacy is, that includes RP's "French" term as well.

 

There was a time where I did not have any physical contact for 5 years.

 

and and prior to that my live in BF at the time, well lets say there was just no desire, when I look back I very stressed out.

 

I hope that I never get that way again, it ruined the relationship.

[Guest]

I will throw a new twist to the wind here...

 

I am ENGAGED to a wonderful man. Initially, we decided to wait indefinitely for intimacy, until we were both comfortable and confident. I, as a 50 something long divorced woman, have become best friends with and madly in love with a never-married, 10 yrs. my junior beautiful man. We finally decided to be intimate...

 

but... as willing and eager as he is to satisfy me, he cannot complete the act WITH ME... He says he is used to masturbation (as opposed to hurting women he didn't care about) and can't do it with intercourse. We do have good sex, but he must end with masturbation. I adjusted to this because he deeply loves me and is a wonderful, faithful loyal man. HOWEVER, when I found out that he views internet porn to get off when I am not around... I plunged into the depths of sorrow and depression.

 

It isn't MY problem, I know, but it still kills me. Now we have a situation where I NO LONGER want to be intimate because I think about what he is viewing online... And he can't "perform" with me as he is so nervous and worries that it will end up with tears and frustration...It is quite a quagmire.

 

We decided to just stop for a while. He has agreed to go to couples therapy. Now, WE BOTH need therapy. I to deal with the situation, and he to try to see what we can do to change this situation.

 

Ultimately, if his problems continue (he has agreed to discontinue the porn, but that is a difficult addiction), I will still love him and love life with him and we may have a "sexless" marriage.

 

Funny thing is that many 50 something women would give their right arm to have intimacy and love without sex.

 

How does this situation grab you?

[Moose]

There are some good posts in here about this subject. I for one am starting to feel frustrated that I have to be the instigator every single solitary time we have sex.

 

On top of that, for years it's been dull sex......as if to just satify me, then she's asleep.....

 

It's always straight forward sex as well. Nothing erotic, nothing spontanious, she hasn't even given me a blow job in 10 years.

 

We've been married for half our lives now, it it's hard to imagine dissolving a marriage over something like this.

 

Everyone on this forum knows how I feel about marriage, and how sacred it is. But this is something that's got me seriously thinking about moving on because all of the talking in the world ain't fixin' it.......

[Guest]

Funny thing is that many 50 something women would give their right arm to have intimacy and love without sex. How does this situation grab you?

 

I am beginning to think that I wouldn't mind being in your shoes and I am in my early 40s.

 

Typical story, short version. My husband and I have what I have seen called a "devitalized marriage". He is Accepting and I am Resisting.

 

Married almost 8 years. One child together and one from a previous marriage still in house. Sex and intimacy for the first 3-4 years was wonderful, exciting and very frequent and he was extremely affectionate. Then it all stopped. Not just the sex but everything else too. No hugs, kisses, playfulness, holding hands, no I Love You's, nothing. I tried to talk to him over and over again about my concerns regarding our lack of intimacy and affection so he was aware of it. I tried everything from flirting, talking, pleading, crying and yep even nagging. No change. Separated for a few months about 5 years ago. Reconciled and quickly fell back into the same routine.

 

Separated again last year for about 7 months. (Husband was diagnosed with diabetes about 2 years ago). During the separation last year he informed me that he had discussed impotency/erectile disfunction with his doctor and was prescribed Cialis. I, of course, felt like an absolute jerk for thinking that just because he paid no attention to me that it meant he didn't love me. He said he understood how I felt and promised to work on showing more affection and that the Cialis would help with the other. He used the Cialis once a couple of days before he moved back in and once again just afterwards but not since. That was 5 months ago. At most, I might get the obligatory peck on the lips as he leaves for work in the morning.

 

Life was very busy for the first few months between house remodeling, my Mother having a very serious car accident and my helping take care of her, and then the holidays on top of normal everyday life with children, house and work. So that kept my mind focused on other things rather than the situation between us. But now, the holidays are over, my Mother is recuperating nicely and no longer needs me every day, remodeling is done until spring and I find myself with all of this time on my hands to sit around and think about everything else. I worked up my courage and asked my husband this morning if he would go with me to talk to a marriage counselor. His response was No. He thinks they are all quacks and doesn't want a third party prying into or being privy to his private life.

 

So where does that leave me? Do I still go to see one alone? Will it even do any good if he is not willing to acknowledge, much less work on, the problems between us?

 

Very Confused

[Pink_Tulip]

Moose, you know I love you to death, but please, if you are going to put up such personal stories about your wife, please take down your pic. I cringed when I saw what you wrote with her pic right there... I'd hate to have her stumble on it, or a friend...

 

Anyway, what does she say when you ask her about this? You know, I know you are both religious, and growing up in a religious home, I had issues with this as well. Now I don't know if this is her specific issue, but maybe she just feels weird bringing it up and talking about it? Maybe you can do something like, have her give a signal or put something out when she is in the mood, so she is initiating, but in a way that makes her feel more comfortable? Like, have a special pillow she puts on the bed, or turn the blankets down, etc.

[Moose]

Thanks Pink, I removed my avatar.....

Anyway, what does she say when you ask her about this?

She ho hums about it. It's not an issue with her at all. She boils it down to me having the problem, not her. That's the way it always has been. Then it'll pick up for about a month or so, then it's back to same ole' groove.

You know, I know you are both religious, and growing up in a religious home, I had issues with this as well. Now I don't know if this is her specific issue, but maybe she just feels weird bringing it up and talking about it?

This shouldn't have anything to do with it. In fact, according to Scripture, she should offer herself to me whenever I ask. Unless of course she isn't physically able to do anything about it. Before I get chewed out, the same goes for me.....it's just not happening that way, in sorts, she's going the opposite way our religion dictates she should go.

Maybe you can do something like, have her give a signal or put something out when she is in the mood, so she is initiating, but in a way that makes her feel more comfortable? Like, have a special pillow she puts on the bed, or turn the blankets down, etc.

These are good ideas, however, I don't like the fact that in all reality, whenever I don't see the special pillow, or don't see her, "sign", it would be a major let down to me........

 

I don't think most women understand how insecure it makes a man feel when his own wife doesn't enjoy having sex with him as often as he'd like.

 

I certainly understand that frequencies fluxiate all the time, and I could deal with that to a certain extent. But months on end of nothingness, and then being the one who has to beg, initiate, then when it's over, she goes to sleep.......dealing with this is getting REALLY old.......REALLY fast......

[Ladyjane14]

Have her PM me if she'd like, Moose. I'll be happy to explain to her why this is important. Sometimes, it takes another female to translate it from the male POV. My take on it may not be EXACT, but.. I don't think it's too far off the mark either, 'cause it's working pretty good around here.

[Pink_Tulip]

Thanks Pink, I removed my avatar.....She ho hums about it. It's not an issue with her at all. She boils it down to me having the problem, not her. That's the way it always has been. Then it'll pick up for about a month or so, then it's back to same ole' groove.

 

You know, she really just doesn't get it at all. I didn't for a long time either, but I don't know what turned that lightbulb on for me exactly, I think it was just reading stuff in forums that helped me understand the way men think about sex. As I said in another thread, I think society does women a huge disservice by feeding them the belief that men are only after one thing, and the women that give it to them are whores. It puts married women in a really strange place.

 

 

This shouldn't have anything to do with it. In fact, according to Scripture, she should offer herself to me whenever I ask. Unless of course she isn't physically able to do anything about it. Before I get chewed out, the same goes for me.....it's just not happening that way, in sorts, she's going the opposite way our religion dictates she should go.

 

I am not going to chew you out, I understand what you are saying about scripture. However, it is still possible that she is having a hard time reconciling what scripture says, and what she was raised to believe. See, many religious families really stress abstinence, sex is a sin, etc. Women grow up feeling ashamed of their desires and urges, and that does not go away when someone puts a ring on your finger. This is actually extremely common, in fact, a good friend of mine was a sex therapist for christians and had this issue a LOT. I don't know if this applies to you at all, just saying, it could be a possibility. If it is, the advice I gave can help her express her desires in a way that she feels comfortable doing, until eventually she can be more open.

 

If her issue is not psychological in nature, it could be that she just has a lower sex drive, or some other physical cause. I have written a couple times about a friend who was put on testosterone cream to bring back her drive, it was very successful. Is she willing to discuss these options?

 

These are good ideas, however, I don't like the fact that in all reality, whenever I don't see the special pillow, or don't see her, "sign", it would be a major let down to me........

 

I don't think most women understand how insecure it makes a man feel when his own wife doesn't enjoy having sex with him as often as he'd like.

 

I certainly understand that frequencies fluxiate all the time, and I could deal with that to a certain extent. But months on end of nothingness, and then being the one who has to beg, initiate, then when it's over, she goes to sleep.......dealing with this is getting REALLY old.......REALLY fast......

 

I totally get how disappointing it would be to not regularly see the pillow, or whatever you had worked out. And I totally agree that women don't get how important sex is to men. I didn't get it for years. But now when I initiate sex with my husband and see how happy and excited he gets, I wonder how I could have missed it.

 

You need to find a way to teach her. If she isn't in to reading forums on the internet, there are a lot of books that help explain this. I am not a Dr. Laura fan at all, but I have heard she has a book out that does a good job of explaining this to women. Maybe some other members can offer suggestions. Maybe you could buy her a book and tell her you would like her to read it b/c you think it may help her understand how you feel about some issues in your relationship? I know if my husband bought me a book that he had researched and felt would help me gain insight into something he was feeling or missing, I'd be very touched and want to read it.

[RecordProducer]

It's not an issue with her at all. She boils it down to me having the problem, not her. That's the way it always has been.

Doesn't it irk the sh*t out of you when your spouse is throwing the ball back at you telling you that it's YOUR fault when you complain about something? My husband is the king of this... not aboiut sex though.

 

 

In fact, according to Scripture, she should offer herself to me whenever I ask.

Force her! Maybe she will love it, who knows? Maybe that's exactly what she wants!

 

 

But months on end of nothingness, and then being the one who has to beg, initiate, then when it's over, she goes to sleep.......dealing with this is getting REALLY old.......REALLY fast

I am sorry, Moose. I think it's time for you to present the only one option you have.. and that's two options:

 

1. An open marriage that she agrees to.

2. An open marriage that she doesn't agree to.

3. An open marriage. Period.