How would you feel in a sexless marriage?

[cranium]

I for one am starting to feel frustrated that I have to be the instigator every single solitary time we have sex.

 

On top of that, for years it's been dull sex......as if to just satify me, then she's asleep.....

 

It's always straight forward sex as well. Nothing erotic, nothing spontanious, she hasn't even given me a blow job in 10 years.

 

We've been married for half our lives now, it it's hard to imagine dissolving a marriage over something like this.

 

Everyone on this forum knows how I feel about marriage, and how sacred it is. But this is something that's got me seriously thinking about moving on because all of the talking in the world ain't fixin' it.......

 

Moose, say it isn't so. Have you been tapping my phones? I'm in the same predicament, except it's been about 20 years without oral for me.

 

As you know, I've spent the last two years reconciling after discovering my wife's affair (which, of course, had nothing to do with sex). I came clean about my A from 10+ years ago not only to establish a new level of honesty, but also because she still wasn't getting what I was trying to convey about our sexuality. Part of me thought if she knew about my A, she might begin to understand the importance. I also didn't want to rebuild our relationship based solely on what was missing for her. STARTING to get frustrated?? Talking isn't fixing mine either.

 

I exchanged comments with Ladyjane awhile back about the lack of initiation by my wife. I've come to realize it's exactly the opposite. I never initiate anymore, b/c I grew tired of being shot down. She initiates, but then is not active. She gives me the signal that it is okay for me to service her. There is never balanced giving and receiving.

 

I read Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple's Guide to Intimacy by Dr. Sandra Scantling in about a day and asked my my wife to read it also. She agreed that she would. About 3 months have past and she is just now starting to read it b/c I gave her sh*t about it. We'll see if it makes any difference.

 

Even though I've been both the WS and the BS, this lack of mutual giving and receiving makes an A tempting again. I don't want to end my marriage because of this or relegate myself to weekend dad, but enough is enough. The fact that I am being pursued doesn't help matters.

 

Hang in there.

c

[Moose]

That would make it or break it wouldn't it?

 

Imagine that if she agreed to that, would she remain dormant as she is now, or would she instantly turn into a horn dog?

 

And if she did turn into a horn dog, I would have to let her go knowing that it really is the fact that she's no longer sexually attracted to me.

 

If she remained dormant, then I would be the fornicator stepping outside our marriage.....(even if she agreed, I would still be stepping outside of a holy convenant with God)

 

I don't think an open marriage is the solution......

[Salicious Crumb]

Rosey Palm is better than my wife anyway.

 

Nothing she can do for me that I can't do for myself better:p

[Scrivdog]

So what are you going to do? Live your life sexless? Not a very appetizing choice ..

 

Being a fornicator works for me, but I can tell you that it ain't for everybody. Plus with your religious principles, you'll never survive the guilt.

 

Of course the irony is that church seems to be the ideal place (besides work) to find a mistress.

 

But you love your wife, and you want to be a father to your kids. So what to do?

 

My suggestion .. try a good call girl. I mean don't go cheap. Splurge a little for once in your life. Yeah, ok it's wrong, I guess, but it may change your outlook on things. At least she won't be expecting you to call and IM her every fifteen minutes.

 

I get very ticked off when I see a perfectly good husbnad like you going to waste.

[Moose]

Moose, say it isn't so. Have you been tapping my phones? I'm in the same predicament, except it's been about 20 years without oral for me.

 

As you know, I've spent the last two years reconciling after discovering my wife's affair (which, of course, had nothing to do with sex). I came clean about my A from 10+ years ago not only to establish a new level of honesty, but also because she still wasn't getting what I was trying to convey about our sexuality. Part of me thought if she knew about my A, she might begin to understand the importance. I also didn't want to rebuild our relationship based solely on what was missing for her. STARTING to get frustrated?? Talking isn't fixing mine either.

 

I exchanged comments with Ladyjane awhile back about the lack of initiation by my wife. I've come to realize it's exactly the opposite. I never initiate anymore, b/c I grew tired of being shot down. She initiates, but then is not active. She gives me the signal that it is okay for me to service her. There is never balanced giving and receiving.

 

I read Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple's Guide to Intimacy by Dr. Sandra Scantling in about a day and asked my my wife to read it also. She agreed that she would. About 3 months have past and she is just now starting to read it b/c I gave her sh*t about it. We'll see if it makes any difference.

 

Even though I've been both the WS and the BS, this lack of mutual giving and receiving makes an A tempting again. I don't want to end my marriage because of this or relegate myself to weekend dad, but enough is enough. The fact that I am being pursued doesn't help matters.

 

Hang in there.

c

Man C,

 

Sorry to here it's still rocky your way.......

 

You've helped me make a decision though. I'm not going to initiate anymore. I've done this in the past, and wind up just as frustrated as before, mainly because it doesn't change anything. She won't even mention it. But this go around, I'll not even bring it up either.....

 

I know she enjoys sex, when we do have it......but it's just not on her priority list, and that doesn't help me as an individual trying to feel good about himself.....

 

Then I read about other wives on here, or couples and how the women never get enough sex, gives head any time and every time their men want it....hearing about their fantasies with other men......

 

Staying faithful in a sexless marriage is next to impossible!!

[Moose]

Splurge a little for once in your life.

 

If you only knew! I splurge A lot!.......

 

But never on a call girl......

[Ladyjane14]

I never initiate anymore, b/c I grew tired of being shot down.

 

I'm not going to initiate anymore. I've done this in the past, and wind up just as frustrated as before, mainly because it doesn't change anything.

 

Why in hell would you guys sit around with your thumbs up your asses waiting for women who are NOT AROUSED to initiate sex with you? C'mon :confused:

 

Seriously... you boys have something like 40+ years of marital experience between you and THIS is the best plan you monkeys can come up with???

 

If you don't understand how girls work... maybe we should start a new thread... "The Beginner's Guide To Switch Hitting".

:lmao:

 

 

 

(I'm just kidding ... you guys know I think the world of you. But... oh, by the way.... there are HUGE GAPS in your master plan. (!!!!)

[Pink_Tulip]

Why in hell would you guys sit around with your thumbs up your asses waiting for women who are NOT AROUSED to initiate sex with you? C'mon :confused:

 

Seriously... you boys have something like 40+ years of marital experience between you and THIS is the best plan you monkeys can come up with???

 

If you don't understand how girls work... maybe we should start a new thread... "The Beginner's Guide To Switch Hitting".

:lmao:

 

 

 

(I'm just kidding ... you guys know I think the world of you. But... oh, by the way.... there are HUGE GAPS in your master plan. (!!!!)

 

My thoughts exactly LJ. I was trying to figure out a way to say it that was nice and all, but I could only smack my head and repeat the word 'stupid' over and over. So thanks again for your elloquence.

 

Don't give up Moose. We women can be just as dense as you men about certain things, but once we get it, we get it. Oh, and so will you.

 

Have you thought about buying her a book? Anything?

[Moose]

Why in hell would you guys sit around with your thumbs up your asses waiting for women who are NOT AROUSED to initiate sex with you? C'mon

My thoughts exactly LJ. I was trying to figure out a way to say it that was nice and all, but I could only smack my head and repeat the word 'stupid' over and over. So thanks again for your elloquence.

Here's why......some of us actually bend over backwards and have changed our whole lives, even down to our own root religion to be the man we believe our SO want us to be, and it's a DAILY/HOURLY/.....minute by minute walk to stay follow that there thin line.

 

Call her high maintenance if you want. But that's the way it is.

 

Yes, we've both read books. I seem to follow them almost to the letter, while I find her captivated for a week or 2, spreading the wisdom she's gained from it only to revert to the same old routine.

 

Yes, I know she loves me....dearly.....BUT our "love gifts", are very different. Her's are gifts, and mine are words of affirmation.

 

My whole problem is that there isn't a gift on this whole planet that I could give that she doesn't already have access to.

 

If anyone walked up to her right now and asked her what else in life she could possibly want, she couldn't tell you.

 

As for me.....I have my shop, and I run another business with my little brother......

 

They are all good guys, but they're also very demanding. So no real words of affirmation going on there......and I certainly don't want a hug from any of them......if you know what I mean....

 

Don't get me wrong....Mrs. Moose takes EXCELLENT care of her family.

 

She's a model Christian, Mother, Councelour, Peer and Friend.....

 

If it weren't for this last element.....and if I didn't have have to struggle so hard to share it with her.......

 

Yes.....sexless marriage isn't the greatest.

 

But it sure could be A LOT worse.....

[shelliezdesign]

I think it's selfish and unfair for a married person to withhold sex. Sexless to me is less than 2 weeks, maybe 3. But months? Crazy. Nothing makes a relaionship stronger than giving and receiving, and that goes wtih sex too. What a shame?

 

If the spouse repulses the other, then get out. Life is too short to live in misery.

 

If you value sex in marriage and they don't....get out too. They compromised their vows.

 

Side note: I'd get out of the marriage before I cheated. But if I felt stuck in some way and wasn't getting any, I'd find it somewhere else...then find a way or make a plan to leave.

[Scrivdog]

 

If you only knew! I splurge A lot!.......

 

But never on a call girl......

 

Too bad .. but doesn't Mrs. Moose wonder why your socks from the night before are so crusty?

[Scrivdog]

...this lack of mutual giving and receiving makes an A tempting again. I don't want to end my marriage because of this or relegate myself to weekend dad, but enough is enough. The fact that I am being pursued doesn't help matters.

 

Yep. There it is. I hear you loud and clear. And so do a few million other married guys. I was on this other forum where some guy brought this up. It wasn't even a relationship forum. But to all of our surprise, hundreds of guys posted on that thread concerning very same issue in their own marriages.

 

Most expressed it just like you did. They want sex, they're not getting it anymore at home, but they don't want to live in a one-bedroom apartment and be "visiting" their kids every other weekend.

 

It's a tough call. But no way I'm watching my good sexual years pass me by as a monk.

 

And as you can see here in LS, you can try all you want to get the issue resolved with the wife, but 99.99% of the time, it amounts to nothing. And no YOU don't have a communication problem, your desires are perfectly normal and reasonable, and you'll get very little support anywhere for the gravity of the issue.

 

Just look at Moose as an example. There is an entire infrastructure that serves to specifically prevent him from having an A or even see a call girl. But there is only some nebulous passages that suggest the wife maybe should be a willing participant.

 

In other words, while the world Moose lives in maybe lends a sympathetic nod to his life of sexless frustration due to his wife's indifference, it will destroy him if he ever seeks solace elsewhere. To a certain degree, we all live in a world like that.

[Ladyjane14]

Here's why......some of us actually bend over backwards and have changed our whole lives, even down to our own root religion to be the man we believe our SO want us to be, and it's a DAILY/HOURLY/.....minute by minute walk to stay follow that there thin line.

 

I don't have the slightest doubt that you're devoted and putting the work in, Moose. But... (you heard that coming, didn't you. )... you're expecting her to ACT on feelings that she just doesn't have.

 

It's as simple as that. There's no insult intended, no disrespect. She's just not feeling it.

 

You've described her as a woman who's very content with her life. There's nothing missing for her. There's something missing for YOU. I'm sure it's not that she doesn't care... it's just that the sexual urge you're probably feeling so frequently isn't there to lend her impetus. She's not going to initiate sex, because she hasn't thought about it; she hasn't felt the urge to do so. You wouldn't expect for a person who's NOT hungry to go to the fridge and make themselves a big ole' Dagwood sandwich, would you? Same principle.

 

If YOU are the guy who's feeling sexual desires... then YOU are the guy who is ultimately responsible for bringing those needs to your mate's attention. She can then choose to fulfill those needs or not, but at that point... you've done your job. By NOT bringing your ENs to her, you're not giving her a choice. The job's not done.

 

Now, I realize that part of the problem is that you've been shot down so many times in the past. Essentially, what that means is that upon being given that choice... your wife has elected NOT to fulfill this EN. She's in the wrong when she consistantly ignores her partner's ENs. We both know that.

But that STILL doesn't give you permission to slack off on YOUR job. And your job is twofold... to fulfill her ENs as best as you can and to bring yours to her.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right here, Moose. You know that too.

 

I do understand where you're coming from. This was a problem for my husband at one time too... this failure on my part to initiate. But once I explained to him that my sexual feelings weren't there in any kind of consistant way, but that they had the potential to be developed along and aroused... he understood.

 

He knows that I'm practically not EVER going to initiate sex. That said, he also knows that unless there's a superlative reason for noncompliance... I'm going to do the best job I can in developing those feelings situationally. Bottom line, not only am I going to comply, but I'm going to do the best I can to be fully present in the moment. He's doing his job. I'm doing mine.

 

You guys have been observing all these women who have higher libido and are acting on it. There are ALL SORTS of women in the world, and each one's libido will have ebbs and tides over the course of her lifetime. Ours is less static than that of the male. And even taking that into consideration, there are still some women who are more sexual by virtue of personality and some who are less. You can't make somebody into something they're not. You can only accept or reject them.

 

I still believe that the key to solving the problem is in education. Each partner must understand and empathize with the other. Men need to understand that women are NOT marinating in testosterone all day long.

And women need to understand that it's not just about the sexual ACT. It's about displaying PASSION for her mate. It's the passionate response that fulfills his need for admiration.

 

But guys... it's a RARE thing for a woman to really wrap her mind around that. We've been given misinfomation since girlhood. Pink understands it, I do, MzPixie does... but it's a BIG leap. It requires an ability to leave your own mindset behind, the one you've been trained in all your life, and then to adopt another in priority. That's like getting struck by lightning, guys.

And the downside is that even if a woman, on the virge of understanding but not quite there yet, decides to give it a go... sometimes a guy might scare her off and send her right back to her original thought-pattern. If she's taken advantage of, or objectified in any way, she's gonna revert right back.

 

Personally, I get lots of support from my husband for having made that leap. He NEVER takes advantage of me. He accepts that I'm doing the best I can... and he doesn't try to make me into something I'm not. I'm not an underwear model. I'm not ever going to BE an underwear model. I'm not a porn star, I'm not an extrovert, I'm not alot of things that modern sexual media would encourage me to be. But if I tried to walk in shoes that were not mine, I wouldn't be comfortable. The experience would just be about HIM, instead of about US. And bless his heart, he knows that intuitively.

 

I don't feel responsible for fulfilling 'wants'. I only feel responsible for fulfilling 'needs'. If my husband has a need for passionate sexual expression in order to feel loved and admired, that's something I'm going to address. If he has a 'want' for fantasy sex, I'm terrible sorry about his luck , but that's not MY problem. IOW, I'm willing to 'make love' with him... but I'm not willing to be objectified. And should I choose to step outside the box on my comfort level... that's a gift and should be treated as such. The fulfillment of 'wants' should ALWAYS be treated like gifts and appreciated accordingly.

 

In the end, I think my advice to you guys would be to tailor your expectations to the woman you married. AND... to continue working towards educating her on male sexuality and EN fufillment.

[Ladyjane14]

.....no way I'm watching my good sexual years pass me by as a monk.

 

That's as well as may be, Scriv. But I do hope that you aren't still having any sexual contact with your wife at this point. Choosing NOT to make a partner aware of her STD risks is tantamount to rape in my book.

 

In your position, I'd have gone to an attorney first and brought her a legal document for signature, waiving her right to sue me for divorce on grounds of adultery.

[tommyr]

Having now spent 2 hours reading every word of every post in this thread, WOW! I am on a mission to figure out why my wife of 10 years has totally lost her sex drive. Its more than just no interest in sex herself: she proactively defends against my (strong-enough-for-both-of-us) sex drive. Just last week she got a package from LLBean containing a nice winter parka, the kind for climbing mt everest. This has become her defacto evening wear, hood up, INSIDE our 70 degree house. No joke!

 

Typical evening at my house: kids asleep, wife at her computer in full body armor (parka + blanket), eating some form of junk. Are you feelin' the sex vibe here? I'm already working hard to get beyond my decreased physical attraction to her (she gained alot of weight since marriage) but the lady is simply un-approachable. Masturbation is ok, but I need partner sex!

[Very_Confused]

I am beginning to think that I wouldn't mind being in your shoes and I am in my early 40s.

 

Typical story, short version. My husband and I have what I have seen called a "devitalized marriage". He is Accepting and I am Resisting.

 

Married almost 8 years. One child together and one from a previous marriage still in house. Sex and intimacy for the first 3-4 years was wonderful, exciting and very frequent and he was extremely affectionate. Then it all stopped. Not just the sex but everything else too. No hugs, kisses, playfulness, holding hands, no I Love You's, nothing. I tried to talk to him over and over again about my concerns regarding our lack of intimacy and affection so he was aware of it. I tried everything from flirting, talking, pleading, crying and yep even nagging. No change. Separated for a few months about 5 years ago. Reconciled and quickly fell back into the same routine.

 

Separated again last year for about 7 months. (Husband was diagnosed with diabetes about 2 years ago). During the separation last year he informed me that he had discussed impotency/erectile disfunction with his doctor and was prescribed Cialis. I, of course, felt like an absolute jerk for thinking that just because he paid no attention to me that it meant he didn't love me. He said he understood how I felt and promised to work on showing more affection and that the Cialis would help with the other. He used the Cialis once a couple of days before he moved back in and once again just afterwards but not since. That was 5 months ago. At most, I might get the obligatory peck on the lips as he leaves for work in the morning.

 

Life was very busy for the first few months between house remodeling, my Mother having a very serious car accident and my helping take care of her, and then the holidays on top of normal everyday life with children, house and work. So that kept my mind focused on other things rather than the situation between us. But now, the holidays are over, my Mother is recuperating nicely and no longer needs me every day, remodeling is done until spring and I find myself with all of this time on my hands to sit around and think about everything else. I worked up my courage and asked my husband this morning if he would go with me to talk to a marriage counselor. His response was No. He thinks they are all quacks and doesn't want a third party prying into or being privy to his private life.

 

So where does that leave me? Do I still go to see one alone? Will it even do any good if he is not willing to acknowledge, much less work on, the problems between us?

 

Very Confused

 

Sorry, I hadn't registered for the forums yet. Any advice on the marriage counselor question? I have never been to one and don't personally know of anyone that has. I'm sure it would help me to talk my thoughts and feelings out with someone but I don't know that will help my situation.

 

I have to admit that I didn't pursue the matter with my husband after he got home from work yesterday. I just sort of distanced myself, staying busy with the kids, dinner, housework and went to bed early. I don't want to argue. I don't want him trying to appease me by faking affection for a few days just so I'll get over it. If things change, with or without a marriage counselor, I want it to be a permanent change and one that he makes because he thinks it's important too. Or else what good is it? So I will just take a few days to try to deal with how his refusal makes me feel and figure out where to go from here.

[MySugaree]

"I don't feel responsible for fulfilling 'wants'. I only feel responsible for fulfilling 'needs'."

 

What happens, though, when one person's strongly felt needs are viewed as mere wants by the other person? The husband who wants sex substantially more than his wife strongly experiences these biological and erotic desires as needs, not mere wants. We're not talking about wanting, as opposed to needing, a beer. We're talking sex, which matters greatly to many men on many levels. Eros matters.

 

Sex is about pleasurable connection, and when a spouse armors herself to avoid sex or engages in sex in a perfunctory, disconnected manner, the marital connection, over the long haul, frays and, at some point, snaps.

 

Perhaps women have different, more varied and sophisticated ways of connecting than men, and we're just more primitive and limited. Nevertheless, it is what it is and women must accept that fact or risk marital break-up when her sexually dissatisfied partner announces:"Enough! I'm outta here."

 

That doesn't make guys like Moose and tommyr bad husbands, it just means that they're men whose needsare not being met, over the long haul, by their respective spouses.

 

When someone who professes to love you ignores, minimizes or grudgingly responds to your sexual needs, that sends a mixed message that she doesn't really care or that she cares--but only on her terms. And that is unacceptable regardless of what the marriage counseling industry has to say about it.

 

My advice to all healthy spouses in chronically sexless marriages where the (healthy) rejectionist spouse has refused to accommodate his or her mate's sexual needs: Exit.

 

There's no right or wrong, here. Just the reality of how chronic bad sex, or no sex, can, like a cancer, destroy a relationship from within.

[Very_Confused]

But how do you handle it if there is a medical reason? Do you just Exit then? I don't want to end our marriage. I love my husband. I just want him to care as much as I do that it's not a complete marriage and be willing to work on fixing that.

[Ladyjane14]

"I don't feel responsible for fulfilling 'wants'. I only feel responsible for fulfilling 'needs'."

 

What happens, though, when one person's strongly felt needs are viewed as mere wants by the other person?

 

We've come to the crux of the matter then, haven't we?..... in defining which is which.

 

It takes really good communications, and even then it's an inexact science. You have to have a willingness to prioritize ENs when you find them, as well as an understanding of the fact that we're just naturally going to misinterpret a few along the way. It goes with the territory. Spouses need to be able to forgive each other when that happens and then get back to the drawing board.

 

That said, it's pointless to come to a partner with 'needs' that s/he has NO HOPE of fulfilling. If what you're asking of her is beyond her capability, then all that's left to do is just face the facts that you have married the WRONG person. We are who we are. There are some changes that might be adaptive, but other more fundamental ones aren't. The introvert can't behave as an extrovert except as a pretence. It's not right to expect a person be less than genuine.

 

So, if my husband has a "need" to act out porn-style eroticism, he has married the WRONG woman. Further, if that's who he REALLY is... he's incapable of fulfilling MY needs at that point. I need a man who appreciates a WHOLE woman... not just a woman's HOLE.

 

The husband who wants sex substantially more than his wife strongly experiences these biological and erotic desires as needs, not mere wants. We're not talking about wanting, as opposed to needing, a beer. We're talking sex, which matters greatly to many men on many levels. Eros matters.

 

Sex is about pleasurable connection, and when a spouse armors herself to avoid sex or engages in sex in a perfunctory, disconnected manner, the marital connection, over the long haul, frays and, at some point, snaps.

 

Perhaps women have different, more varied and sophisticated ways of connecting than men, and we're just more primitive and limited. Nevertheless, it is what it is and women must accept that fact or risk marital break-up when her sexually dissatisfied partner announces:"Enough! I'm outta here."

 

That doesn't make guys like Moose and tommyr bad husbands, it just means that they're men whose needsare not being met, over the long haul, by their respective spouses.

 

When someone who professes to love you ignores, minimizes or grudgingly responds to your sexual needs, that sends a mixed message that she doesn't really care or that she cares--but only on her terms. And that is unacceptable regardless of what the marriage counseling industry has to say about it.

 

My advice to all healthy spouses in chronically sexless marriages where the (healthy) rejectionist spouse has refused to accommodate his or her mate's sexual needs: Exit.

 

There's no right or wrong, here. Just the reality of how chronic bad sex, or no sex, can, like a cancer, destroy a relationship from within.

 

Agreed.

 

I quite frankly don't understand why some of these guys aren't taking action. If memory serves, refusal to accomodate your spouse's sexual needs, used to be grounds for divorce... same as adultery. Now, I'm not talking about any kinky "sexual needs" mind you, but flat out refusal by an otherwise healthy mate was deemed as unacceptable for married folk. It wasn't expected that a man should marry and then live like a monk.

 

I have to wonder how a woman (or man for that matter), would react to being asked to sign a waiver regarding adultery. What would be the response to that? I'm not the only woman who, upon receipt of her husband's snarky delivery of... "Fine then I'll just get it somewhere else!" has responded with..."Alright by me! (cue angry flounce).

 

What would happen if next day he brought her legal papers waiving her right to sue him for adultery?

 

I think at the minimum, she'd be listening. She might be angry. She might refuse to sign... but what she's NOT going to be doing is forgetting the incident any time soon.

[Ladyjane14]

But how do you handle it if there is a medical reason? Do you just Exit then? I don't want to end our marriage. I love my husband. I just want him to care as much as I do that it's not a complete marriage and be willing to work on fixing that.

 

 

Your husband is CHOOSING not to address you needs. That is, IF you've made your needs clear to him. That's the bottom line. Treat it accordingly.

 

If I were you, I most definitely WOULD go ahead and go to MC on my own. In fact, I've done exactly that before. Your MC should be able to help you improve your communications skills and feel more confident in your approach.

 

Who knows? Your husband might surprise you and follow your lead once he knows you're serious.

[Miss_Bee]

How can you be happy in a relationship with no sex? Is that platonic love or not love at all?

 

And one more question... what do you consider to be sexless? Once a week? Once a month? How about twice a month where YOU initiate it and your partner reluctantly accepts it?

 

Would you dump a partner with whom your sexual life brings you nothing but frustration?

 

Honestly, I couldn't be happy in a relationship if there was no sex. Sex is a huge part of a loving relationship, and if there is no sex then something has to be wrong or lacking in the said relationship. It would be a major cause for concern.

 

I would call once a month sexless, and twice, especially if i initiated it. I would be worrying about the state of the relationship and trying to figure out the root of the problem that is causing the lack of sex.

[Joe's search]

gawd. i have read so many posts about how women has felt that their man is not only a lousy lover but that they are not attracted to them at all. for me, i want my gf to have pleasure beyond her experience and if she thought i was not 'doing it' for her i would feel extremely disappointed in myself. i hope my gf would tell me if i was not turning her on. gawd. is it possible to feel perfect for one and not the other.

 

maybe i was not a good lover after all.

 

sorry babe.

 

 

In the end the only person who can answer that is you. If that is the only shortcoming (and I am not making a pun) and you feel he is worth while for the long term with all other things considered, then make an effort. If it works, then life is good. If it does not then you cannot blame yourself for not trying. You will know soon enough. Be subtle and try to guide him. "Mmmmmm, that feels nice..." or "Slower..." are all it takes. If he is a responsive lover her will follow your guidance and improve. If not, then you are no worse off.

 

Sometimes lovers are just not compatible in bed and it is obvious. I have found women will give an excuse rather than the reason for a breakup and that solves nothing long term. If the person does not know where they are deficient then they can never get any better. I know I am not typical, but I want honesty. If I cannot provide what she wants then I will leave. One example, a lady who was into pain and could not come without it. Does nothing for me and we went our separate ways. I told her we were not compatible and why.

 

You are in no way alone. If people don't start talking about this stuff then it will never get better. Sexuality is taboo and probably always will be...

[MySugaree]

"But how do you handle it if there is a medical reason? Do you just Exit then? I don't want to end our marriage. I love my husband. I just want him to care as much as I do that it's not a complete marriage and be willing to work on fixing that."

 

That's a different scenario than the one I was positing: Chronic lack of sex when both spouses are healthy.

 

Still, you raise an interesting point, VC: namely, marital equilibrium is thrown off kilter when one spouse perceives the other spouse as caring less than she does about addressing the perceived lack of sex, even when the sexually indifferent spouse has health issues. The perceived lack of caring can be upsetting-- especially if the health issues are fixable.

 

This disequilibrium can damage a marriage--especially if chronic.

[Very_Confused]

Your husband is CHOOSING not to address you needs. That is, IF you've made your needs clear to him. That's the bottom line. Treat it accordingly.

 

See, that's what I've been thinking but was hesitant to "say" out loud. He says the ED is the only reason. Who am I to say different? I am not a man and I am not in his shoes so I can't claim to know how he feels. I will probably be bashed from one end to the other but I have also wondered on occasion if he is using it as an excuse because he KNOWS I won't question the truth of what he says. There, I finally said it. But I won't say it to him and he knows it.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Moose, Cran, LJ, Scirv

 

Excellent posts for the last few pages…..and they really hit home

 

I have been reluctant to share this here….but the truth is, I understand how Moose feels because I have those same disappoints (except BJ;s, I still get those), sorry, not tryng to rub it in.

 

Moose made a statement about men feeling insecure when there is lack of sex. THAT is sooo true to most men. I too have all but stopped initiating. I get shot down more than I get the green light. And its frustrating, VERY frustrating. I am in my mid 30’s and I cannot even think that if its like this now, how will it be 5 years from now or even 10? My wife is smokig hot and i dont understand why she doesnt want sex more than a few times a month.

 

My mind starts to wonder to places I feel it shouldn’t, if you know what I mean. I don’t want this:

 

cran: I don't want to end my marriage because of this or relegate myself to weekend dad, but enough is enough

 

Scriv said: Most expressed it just like you did. They want sex, they're not getting it anymore at home, but they don't want to live in a one-bedroom apartment and be "visiting" their kids every other weekend.

 

 

Because I feel this way too:

 

moose said : Everyone on this forum knows how I feel about marriage, and how sacred it is. But this is something that's got me seriously thinking about moving on because all of the talking in the world ain't fixin' it.......

 

 

Then LJ…you offered some insight:

 

LJ said: Have her PM me if she'd like, Moose. I'll be happy to explain to her why this is important. Sometimes, it takes another female to translate it from the male POV. My take on it may not be EXACT, but.. I don't think it's too far off the mark either, 'cause it's working pretty good around here

 

Please share here what you would share with Mrs Moose.

 

I would really like to here what you know about WHY us men need sex as a form of EN, not just the act.

 

I NEED my wife to want me sexually. That’s the bottom line. If I don’t FEEL her in the sense that she actually wants to have sex with me, then it’s a huge turn off and it drives me to pull away in ways that are detrimental to HER needs. Meaning, I become less affectionate, less in tune with her. And I hate doing that, but I also know that when I am attentive to her, and I still get shot down, its just reinforcement that its not working, and I withdraw even more.

 

Please LJ. I respect you a lot. Out of all the women here on LS, I feel you know more about how us MEN think and feel than we do.

 

LJ: I quite frankly don't understand why some of these guys aren't taking action

 

Miss Bee: I would be worrying about the state of the relationship and trying to figure out the root of the problem that is causing the lack of sex.

 

 

 

Please enlighten us more.

 

Thanks