How would you feel in a sexless marriage?

[Jane Doe]

No......LOL

[Scrivdog]

Women can get sex anytime they want, even ugly ones.

 

Guys have to be skillful and seductive to get laid, all a female has to do is show up in a bar/supermarket/street corner/bus stop/whatever and she can be getting f*cked within 30 min.

 

Power of the pussy is strong.

[blind_otter]

Women can get sex anytime they want, even ugly ones.

 

well that's only if you're not too concerned with the quality of the sex. I'm just saying.....

 

Power of the pussy is strong.

 

I believe it's to make up for having to bleed once a month, or perhaps having to squeeze an infant the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon.

[quankanne]

I hope you're not missing it too much. Just because some couples have sex infrequently doesn't mean they are unhappy together. I am actually talking about people who are constantly hungry for sex.

 

I miss it ... mostly when I'm ovulating :p

 

seriously though, for me it's just a matter of recognizing when it's impossible to do without, and when it's just me thinking it's something I want because I've got it in my head that it's the only way I can get the intimacy I want from my husband. Usually, if it's the latter, there are still ways to be intimate without necessarily having intercourse. However, knowing that it's due to DH's health problems that we're not screwing like bunnies anymore, it's a bit easier to face than say him having an affair or making sex a reward. It'd be a whole other ball of wax then.

 

Women can get sex anytime they want, even ugly ones.

 

yeah, right. Men are more picky than women!

[HokeyReligions]

Speaking as someone whose husband stopped having sex more than once a year way back in the beginning of the marriage when he was in his 30's and I in my 20's - and having lived without sex for around 13-14 years now - I understand the hurt. At first it was not a physical reason my husband pulled away. It was psychological. He was (still is as far as I'm concerned - and I'm in a bitter mood lately) messed up mentally and emotionally. Nothing I said or did would convince him to lay a hand on me, or allow me to lay a hand on him. He very much froze me out. I even went to a doctor once to find out if there was any kind of drug or surgery that would kill my libido so I wouldn't have any urges.

 

I stayed with him. We split a couple of times, but ended up back together.

 

Then it became a physical problem for him - his illnesses and operations left him unable to have sex anyway. That actually made me feel better. It wasn't rejection. Over the past year or so now, the new medications and treatements he is under has restored his libido. I only found out about this recently when I was helping him answer questions on a medical questionnair. At least he didn't lie to me. I asked him how long he's been 'back' and he told me "oh a year or so". I asked him why he never approached me and if he was masturbating and he said "I don't want you. You don't do it for me anymore" and "Yes" (he does masturbate). What doesn't do it for him anymore is my age. I was in my 20's when we got married - in my early 30's the last time we actually had sex. Now I'm approaching senior citizen status and he only likes young women (typical!) So I've been feeling the rejection again and a good dose of self-pity too - I gave him the best years of my life, blah blah blah.

 

Personally, I'm hoping he cheats on me and gets aids and it falls off! LOL!

 

I'm past the pain now though and working on getting rid of the bitterness. I have no physical urges anymore - went thru menopaus from age 32 - 34 (my doctor said the lack of a sex life played a major role in that) but I'm still working on not feeling hurt or bitter.

 

There is no point in leaving him - I need his piddly little disability check to keep the house and dogs and he needs my hard-earned salary to keep in in computers. Besides, if my own husband - who professed to love me so much, never wanted me then there is obviously something really wrong with me and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone else. I'm so messed up now from the choices I've made and the things that have happened, that I would never even date again.

 

Too bad I didn't have LS waaaay back when to help me stand up and leave. But I was always taught that you marry once and stay together no matter what (except physical abuse). No one considered that I was suffering emotional abuse and neglect - that was just something a good wife tolerated and I was a good wife. In sickness and in health meant mental sickness too. I got him into counseling and me too. I knew he has issues from the child abuse. I made a vow and I was going to keep it. I wish that I had left early on - before we were even married and when we broke up I should not have gone back. But now - all these many years later I don't really regret it. It has made me strong enough to stand the rest of my life since it will be spent alone. Alone used to scare me, but I'm ready for it now I guess. My children died. My mother died. My marriage died a long time ago. And I just keep going.

[Jane Doe]

HokeyReligions, my heart goes out to you. I didn't get into my whole sexless story because the rejection and pain are still so fresh (even though I've lived this way for a long time now) but I can relate to how you feel. Please know you're not alone.

[JamesM]

Jane Doe and Hokey, I really do feel for you...and it makes me mad that you have none as women and us men get little or none, and we all have not many choices but to deal with it. Leaving our troubles isn't the answer yet solving them seems so impossible. I would love to make your men realize that they have it so good yet are wasting one of life's boggest pleasures.

 

RP, thanks for this thread. You are a thoughtful and smart woman. I wanted to read some of the replies to your thread before I posted. As may be known by now, I spent many years in what I would call a sexless marriage. Then we had four good months. Now for the past two months it has slipped, but I think (hope) it is due to our work schedules.

 

What do I call a sexless marriage? Any marriage where one partner thinks there is not enough sex. SO, if I thnk once a month is okay, and I get it and my wife is happy, then we have plenty of sex. Other people may call that a sexless marriage. Some here have gone years without and are sticking with it...others divorce after two months without. If I want it twice a week, and she wants it every night, then we technically have a sexless marriage. However, I also believe that a partner can have an unreasonable definition of how much sex there should be.

 

Personally, I would be satisfied with an average of two to four times a months of mutually satisfying sex. That means that she isn't just doing it but is enjoying it. Big difference.

 

Would I leave her if we were sexless? Having been there and having children, I can say no. If I had no children, I would probably consider that option, but I think based on my past experiences, that I would exhaust every means to restore the sex. Ultimatums do not produce results that are lasting. So, to say that if you do not give me sex, then I will leave will not produce mutually satisfying sex. It takes the reassurance that this is our problem..until you make it MY problem only.

 

As stated, the reason for the sexless marriage does make a difference. Mine was medical, but it did not appear to be medical. It could have been psychological. If I had pursued the wrong solution, nothing would have changed. Thanks to people like those on this Board, the answer was found...at least temporarily.

 

A question not asked, I don't think, is would I cheat if sex ended at home? And I know that sadly, I can say that it would be considered. If she said she did not want it and gave no reason, then my anger would probably drive me that directio. Fortunately this past time, a solution was found before an OW was. Hopefully, the future will be no different. To me cheating can also be defined as a partner saying that he or she will not provide sex. Sex is a part of the marriage vow. Since sex technically cannot be had outside of a marriage, then sex must be a part of that marriage. When one partner decides that it isn't fun or necessary, he or she has decided that the needs of the other are not going to be considered. In that case, he or she is cheating because when we vowed to be faithful, it was also understood that we would fulfil each other's needs so that we COULD be faithful.

 

They may otherwise be a great person, but you're still unhappy with them. You might find someone who isn't otherwise such a great person and be very happy with them. Life is about exploration, love, joy, pleasure, and fun. Those are the good parts of life, the things that make life worthwhile. Is money worth anything if you can't spend it? Is love worth anything if you can't enjoy it and share it in an intimate act?

 

Your children will go to college and have their own families, but you... you will grow old and realize that you watched your life passing by, that you haven't taken all the good things that it may have offered you. And then you will build resentment that will make you physically ill. Your body constantly needs something that it's not getting. You're fighting against nature - a thing way more powerful than your own mind. You're wilting in your desire to be loved and sexually pleased.

 

RP, this has been one of my biggest fears as I am now past forty. I am still afraid of reaching fifty or sixty and realizing that sex and other of life's thrills has passed me by. A couple of years ago during some dark times, my wife's niece came to visit. As I talked with her, I realized that she had grown into a beautiful woman. I have watched her grow from three to twenty. I always said when I met her that she would be a beautiful lady...and I hoped to see that day. Now that she is, I realized how fast time has gone and how I have also aged. It made me depressed for a few days. I realized that no longer was a girl that age looking at a man my age. NO, I wasn't looking at HER seriously, but the idea was what was so depressing. And it came down to what you have said...life is passing me by. Is my marriage worth it? How will I look back?

 

Change of topic slightly...

Women can get sex anytime they want, even ugly ones.

 

This is so true. Men know that women have this leverage. Women can open a button or two and in a blink of an eye, they can get a guy. Unfortunately, most women think that an emotional connection to the man they sleep with is important. Meanwhile men, who cannot get any woman...well, most of us can't....have no leverage with a wife who wants a sexless marriage.

 

To me life without a lover is tasteless and colorless! If your spouse isn't giving you sex, they are not your lover. They are your room mate and maybe a friend and co-parent.

 

RP, this is what a sexless marriage is...two people living together, raising children, paying bills and being good friends. This is like having cake but not being able to eat. When I looked at my wife half dressed or undressed, knowing that she would not tolerate any touching, I could barely stand it. Here I was with the woman that I wanted to express my love to and she would not let me. Meanwhile...at that time...there was a woman who wanted me to do so, and I could not. Life is unfair.

 

So any sexless marriage consists of a partner being cheated upon while the other partner is being selfish.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Side note..as I hit the Submit button, my son came over and gave me a hug....THIS is one of the biggest reason why I CANNOT just leave due to my not having enough sex. And THAT is why my wife has more leverage than me.

[Moose]

And so you'd resign yourself to choking the chicken for the rest of your life?

Uh.....no....I would just have to learn to deal with it. Plain and simple.

[stoopid_guy]

I think we all agree on everything. I just wanted to spread the message: if you're missing sex, don't close bury your head in the sand thinking that it's YOU who wants something that's luxury. You may choose to close your eyes to things like 'my wife doesn't work and doesn't want to cook ever' or 'my partner spends too much money' or 'my partner is spoiling the kids' or 'my spouse plays golf too often' etc. But don't think that sex is a secondary in a relationship, that it's something you SHOULD live without if your spouse doesn't want it, that you MUST sacrifice and be deprived from it.

I think you might have spoken too soon with "I think we all agree on everything."

 

(And great thread idea!)

[Jane Doe]

JamesM, thanks for what you said and your input. There's so much here I'd like to share but as I said, it's a very painful topic for me and I don't want to subject myself to hateful remarks from "guests."

 

As for the ugly women being able to get sex, I'm not so sure. I'm in my 30s, take excellent care of myself and still get plenty of looks from men. That being said, I'm never approached for sex. I think it must be a "stay away from me" vibe I subconsciously give off. Also, most people see me as rather "pure" and "innocent" and that might be a turnoff. (Not that I'm looking for sex or anything like that; I'm merely talking here.) Perhaps less attractive women may give off a "come and get it" vibe that men pick up on. I don't know...........just a thought.

[whichwayisup]

I find with my husband and I we go through phases when the sex is daily, sometimes twice a day and then at times he'll not be in the mood at all. Those stretches can last weeks and weeks. I try not to take it personally, I know his job stresses him out and he puts in alot of long hours, so I am understanding of that aspect of being too tired or just can't be bothered. I react more when he doesn't want to spend time with me, go out or just watch a movie together. Hang out and enjoy eachother's company.

 

It's during those lower moments I have to remember that are relationship IS good and just because we happen to be not clicking as well during those times doesn't mean we have problems or anything.

 

I'd love it if he were more into sex like I am, instead of having dry spells. Even when I'm grumpy I still like to have sex. Only time I don't is when I'm really sick or during the first few days of my period. Other than that, I'm pretty much game.

 

One thing is, we don't have kids (yet - Im still not sure about that one...) and I don't focus on this, but what if 10-15 years down the road, we're both aging more, have no kids and those moments of sex get less and less... It's not something I like to think about seeing as it's best to live in the now, yet at those low times when I don't like him (PMS etc) I think ahead of what life will be like and how miserable I could be (am I the only one who does this??).

 

Hokey, I feel for you and all that you've been through, you're a strong woman and I admire that about you. You never give up, no matter what.

 

JD, I'm not sure of your story, I will go back and read up, I must have missed your post.

[whichwayisup]

I've been with my husband almost 15 years. We haven't had sex in 2 years and 8 months. It's a lonely way to live. He's a perfect husband in every other way (which is why I stay) but when I realize I'm going to live a celibate life from here on out, I feel somewhat dead inside.

 

I hope one day when you're ready, you tell your story.

[IpAncA]

I would be ok with the sexless marriage if there was a good enough reason. But if my husband and I are perfectly healthy and nothing physically or mentally is standing in the way, then sex should be occuring plain and simple. I would be quite upset if he just cut it off for no reason or for some stupid reason.

[carmaenforcer]

As for the ugly women being able to get sex, I'm not so sure. I'm in my 30s, take excellent care of myself and still get plenty of looks from men. That being said, I'm never approached for sex. I think it must be a "stay away from me" vibe I subconsciously give off. Also, most people see me as rather "pure" and "innocent" and that might be a turnoff. (Not that I'm looking for sex or anything like that; I'm merely talking here.) Perhaps less attractive women may give off a "come and get it" vibe that men pick up on. I don't know...........just a thought.

 

You know what it is. The hotter the woman the less she is likely to get approached because she is intimidating. Ugly girls get laid a lot for the completely opposite reason the hot girls get passed on by most men.

If a hot woman turns you down it hurts your ego, there is also a risk that an ugly woman will turn you down but you get over it faster.

[whichwayisup]

The hotter the woman the less she is likely to get approached because she is intimidating

 

And this is why many hot women are insecure because they don't know if a man just wants her because of her beauty or if he really digs her for what's inside as well.

 

I have a good friend who is so f**k'n hot, geez, if I were playing for same team, I'd jump her!! She is SO insecure and is envious of those who are more plain looking. She's always questioning herself and is full of mistrust when it comes to men.

[RecordProducer]

I read all your posts and I noticed one thing: all who live in sexless marriages find it painful. You think that if the reason is medical that it's easier, but what's the difference? The one with the medical "reason" doesn't need sex and you do. They are happy, you are not. They don't need you... you don't need them... they don't need anybody, you need somebody.

 

It's not the same as being disabled. You can't just dump your spouse who had an accident and needs your help. Impotent/frigid spouses do not need you.

 

Jane Doe, if you put your profile online and state that you're looking for fun, you will get many dates. Will you like them? Well we don't like most people we meet, but at least you will be approached.

 

Hokey, your life story is terribly sad. Your husband is obviously mentally screwed up completely if he stopped having sex with you when you were in your 30s. He has been abusing you emotionally and using you for years... I don't see why you had to live without sex all these years just because he didn't want you.

 

James, I agree with you that the deprived partner is in a way deceived by the other one. Therefore cheating would be mutual if a third party were involved, but only if the thing is frustrating and unfixable, not temporary.

[stoopid_guy]

As for the ugly women being able to get sex, I'm not so sure. I'm in my 30s, take excellent care of myself and still get plenty of looks from men. That being said, I'm never approached for sex. I think it must be a "stay away from me" vibe I subconsciously give off. Also, most people see me as rather "pure" and "innocent" and that might be a turnoff. (Not that I'm looking for sex or anything like that; I'm merely talking here.) Perhaps less attractive women may give off a "come and get it" vibe that men pick up on. I don't know...........just a thought.

Generally, by their 30's+ a guy is more concerned with how much fun a lady is than what she looks like. I also think that more attactive ladies are approached more agressively when they're younger, so become more aloof than average looking ladies. That's probably why average looking 40-year-old ladies get more attention from men than very attractive 40-year-old ladies.

[Jane Doe]

That makes a lot of sense.

[RecordProducer]

I don't see how all these women-vs.-men topics are related to the original topic about sexless marriages. We are discussing sexual relations between one given couple, man and woman. Any decision to find sex outside the marriage can be discussed as a response to what you're not getting from your spouse, but how much success you actually have with other men or women is another subject.

 

If you think you can't find someone for sex BECAUSE you're married then that's another reason to get divorced and find someone else.

 

Moreover, "women can find sex more easily than men" has nothing to do with the subject. Does that mean that a woman can live in a sexless marriage because she can easily find another guy for sex, but a man has to get it from his wife, because no one else would want him? As a matter of fact, the reason why no one else would want you may well be the reason why your wife doesn't want you. (I think judging by the number of cheating men, we can conclude that the marriage certificate doesn't stop a man from finding sex outside the marriage. )

[Jane Doe]

I don't see how all these women-vs.-men topics are related to the original topic about sexless marriages.

 

It's not. The conversation just took a turn somewhere along the way.

[alphamale]

I read all your posts and I noticed one thing: all who live in sexless marriages find it painful. You think that if the reason is medical that it's easier, but what's the difference? The one with the medical "reason" doesn't need sex and you do. They are happy, you are not.

some of these people in sexless marriages don't realize that they may be married to a secretly homosexual partner. it happens all the time RP.

[RecordProducer]

Women can get sex anytime they want, even ugly ones.

 

Guys have to be skillful and seductive to get laid, all a female has to do is show up in a bar/supermarket/street corner/bus stop/whatever and she can be getting f*cked within 30 min.

 

Power of the pussy is strong.

Jane, this is where the conversation took a turn. To me this is as related to the original subject as if he stated that he ate eggs for breakfast today.

 

Alpha, I am sure the reasons are numerous: gay partner, libido mismatch, lack of attraction, medical reasons, depression, etc. The point is: why would you stay even if the reason is very justified?

 

When you leave a spouse because they are mentally f*cked up or addicted to a substance because they were abused in the past, isn't that a medical reason?

 

My husband left his first wife after 14 months of marriage, because she was bipolar and impossible to live with and his second wife, because she was a heavy drinker and coke user (not abused in the past). Aren't those reasons medical, at least in the 1st wife's case? Was he supposed to stay with her because she was a poor, mentally ill woman and ruin his whole life? What's the difference between mentally and physically ill? Are mentally ill people evil, but physically ill people worth our pity (sacrifice)?

 

I am not saying you should dump your spouse if they become ill, but why do you have to stay faithful to someone who doesn't please you sexually? Why do you have to stay married to someone if they can't have sex with you for whatever reason, but are healthy otherwise?

 

What logic gives THEM the priority to be happy and takes this right away from you?

[alphamale]

The point is: why would you stay even if the reason is very justified?

because in the end (when the dust settles) sex is only 3% of a marriage.

 

would you give up a sexless marriage that was otherwise superb for a sex-filled marriage that was a nightmare. not me sister.

 

well, i wouldn't even get married in the first place...but that's another thread

[burning 4 revenge]

I have a low libido and yet I still crave intimacy.

 

There's more to sex than sex.

 

That being said, I will probably have no choice but to remain single forever. I never want to hear a woman tell me I don't count as a man ever again. F*ck it.

[RecordProducer]

would you give up a sexless marriage that was otherwise superb for a sex-filled marriage that was a nightmare. not me sister.

Sexless marriage IS a nightmare!

 

No, frankly, I would like to avoid both options. It's like asking me if I would rather be married to a morbidly obese man or a man who always stinks.

 

Would you rather be married to a gay person or a heterosexual goat?