How would you feel in a sexless marriage?

[RecordProducer]

Which is worse? Not the greatest sex life yet the marriage is really good, or have mindblowing sex and a not so good relationship?

 

His question was totally not what you stated. he asked:

 

Hmmm... Begs the question: Is it easier to fall in love with a great lover, or convince/teach the person you love become a great lover?

Yes, it's easy to fall in love with a great lover. It's hard to be in a relationship with a great lover if everything else sucks, but it's also hard to keep the sexual attraction if the whole relationship sucks and you fight a lot or you're not attracted to him intellectually. The grounds for falling in love can be anywhere from totally unreasonable and foolish to seeking someone close to perfect (at least the main traits).

 

However, a good relationship with no sexual pleasure, especially when you're young, is almost impossible.

[holding on]

well i'm your man lets see it ben about 11 mo. now with no sex just found out in july that my wife loves me and would never leave me (probably because of the kids ) but dosen,t find me attractive in that way. boy does that suck to hear that from a woman you realy love and desire. i realy don't know what to do. thought about having an affair but thats not what I want. I want to have sex with my wife!!!!!!!!!!!! god dam it. and now its realy starting to take its toll on me. I'm so pissed off most of the time but try to pretend that I'm ok. Adding more stress to the relationship wont help things i'm sure. god help me because when I think about divorse I don't know how people do it. especily financily. I hope I'm not alone on this but haven't found anyone in my exact situation. please read my other posts and tell me what you think. it would be nice to get a womans perspective on this.

 

thanks S

[Flyin in Clouds]

Holding on, you have to tell your wife, 1. we get our sex life back in gear because it is an essential,not optional, part of marriage, or 2. you will have an affair or 3. a divorce. It will take a lot of long conversations to get things better but if you don't have those talks she won't know the pain she's causing you or the depth of your feelings or that you might think about cheating on her.

[Soldierblue]

Sympathize with you Holding On. Ive only had sex twice this year with my wife and one of those got her pregnant. My sex life has been pretty abysmal for the last 7 years. Only once or twice a year. Like you I love my wife dearly and wont leave her. Apart from the sex we have a good relationship

She says she loves me and finds me attractive and likes sex but we dont seem to do it. Ive even had my kids DNA tested (she doesnt know) to make sure they are mine. I know that sounds horrible but when you have only had sex maybe 15 times in the last 7 years but have 4 kids you wonder if you are being taken for a mug. Ive tried talking, arguing, Ive threatened to leave but nothing works.

We are now at the point where I sleep downstairs in the lounge because I cant cope with the frustration.

Like you I find my wife very sexy and love to hold and cuddle her but to no avail.

I also try to pretend that Im Ok with it but every now and then it really gets me down especially when we are out and you see other couples holding hands and just generally showing affection for each other.

 

I would also like to hear a other peoples perspective on this.

I dont know about you but I cant talk to my friends about it because if she ever found out she would lose it.

[denied]

I'm new at this kind of looking for answers my self I'm 33 & I've been with my now wife for 8yrs faithful but sexless for almost a year. I'm at my wits end now. I'm getting mad. I'm thinking she's cheating. I'm lost.

[whichwayisup]

Why do you think she's cheating? Because no sex for so long?

 

Minus the sex life, how is the rest of your marriage? Are you two meeting eachothers needs? Do you fight? What's your daily dynamtic. Do you have children? Do you both work?

 

Don't assume she's cheating, unless she's out alot and not home with you or you have some clues that are making you feel like she is.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm new at this kind of looking for answers my self I'm 33 & I've been with my now wife for 8yrs faithful but sexless for almost a year.

Sympathize with you Holding On. Ive only had sex twice this year with my wife and one of those got her pregnant. My sex life has been pretty abysmal for the last 7 years. Only once or twice a year. Like you I love my wife dearly and wont leave her. Apart from the sex we have a good relationship

well i'm your man lets see it ben about 11 mo. now with no sex

 

Wow, almost like an epidemic. Just curious - without knowing any of these gentlemen, I wonder if anyone could speculate on what their wives might say if given the equal chance to speak candidly?

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecordProducer]

I wonder what these wives are doing with their sexual needs when they don't find their husbands attractive.

 

I absolutely will NEVER believe that a woman with a normal sexual desire (which means you get horny 5 times a day on average if you are NOT getting any), can simply discard her husband just because she is not attracted to him anymore.

 

I would understand if there were terrible fights going on, but the story is usually "our relationship is very good otherwise", which means the wives are not holding anything against their husbands.

 

If we assume that they are not physically disgusted by their spouses, they can at least satisfy their needs in the dark while thinking of someone else. And after all, they married them, it's not like they opened their eyes one day and saw this ugly man's face and said "Yuck! I don't want to have sex with this guy!".

 

So I only see a few answers to this mystery:

 

1. It's physical or even mental, but in any case medical. Some process is going on and altering their hormones or brain chemicals in a way that kills their libido.

 

2. They are simply not sexual and have never been, but faked it at the beginning, attempting to please their new husbands.

 

3. They never had strong libido, but they saw sex as romantic intimacy and at the beginning they were ready to share this romantic connection with their spouses. However somewhere down the road the infatuation wore out and sex as an emotional connection lost its purpose. And what was supposed to be left - pure sexual need - was never there. Add to this a partner who is not the same as he used to be, they are not excited by the idea of being erotic with them.

 

4. They are cheating or have an intention to do so.

[Mr. Lucky]

3. They never had strong libido, but they saw sex as romantic intimacy and at the beginning they were ready to share this romantic connection with their spouses. However somewhere down the road the infatuation wore out and sex as an emotional connection lost its purpose. And what was supposed to be left - pure sexual need - was never there. Add to this a partner who is not the same as he used to be, they are not excited by the idea of being erotic with them.

I think you are spot on. In the "limerence" period early on, we all want to please our partner, sexually and otherwise. However, as that infatuation passes, most people begin to feel that specific aspects of the relationship have to work for them - just pleasing your partner is no longer enough. Based on the postings here, that transition seems to leave some partners without much sexual motivation as time goes by. Just telling your partner "I need sex" isn't very compelling under those circumstances. How to go from there?

 

Mr. Lucky

[dg1v2b]

My position is I've been married for 22 yrs and it was never very often for us then. Both having different shifts and all. After the kids were born it got real bad and we went to counseling and it was only slightly better for a little while. Now the kids are older and were both on the same shift and there just doesn't seem to be any spark anymore. I feel we've just grown apart but I agree the physical side of the sexual drive that you have can lead to bad feelings if neither side is able to please the others needs. I kind of get mad, resentful and don't talk much when I get turned away but how many times do you stick your hand in the fire before you realize that your gonna get burnt. So I stopped trying not that I still don't want it but 4 times so far this year just isn't cutting it. Setting yourself up for failure wanting and trying for something your not going to get. To me sex/intimacy is the glue that holds a relationship together. Its the bond that you both form together and in my case the glue has just lost its grip. You know its bad when you start having sex and stop half way into it because theres just no "feeling" there but rather just a mechanical motion. I can empathize with those who look elsewhere to satisfy their needs because their not getting it in their relationship but still want their relationship to work because the sex is the only part thats broken.

[dg1v2b]

As mrlucky just stated how to do ask/tell your partner that you need to have this sexual need fulfilled and that you want them to be the one to fullfill it without offending them? I don't have a clue anymore. Tried the flowers dinner chocolate things and got a toe massaged for it. Won't be trying those things again since they didn't work.

[lyfelite]

Ok this is by far the sadiest thread I've read on here. OH MY GOD!!! How can all of you go with out sex- or ssex in like five years or none in 10. That is insane to me. And for people who are on here talking about staying togehter for the sake of the kids etc... Come the hell on, surely just as much as you want your children to be happy I'm sure they'd like you to be happy as well.

Bottom Line you only get one chance at this life, why in the hell would you waist it staying in a sex-less, love-less marriage?

 

I think a lot of people on this site use the "for the kids" excuse way too much, kids are way more resiliant then you all give them credit for. But here is the thing when their all grown up and on in relationships of their own possibly dealing with the same issue, when one of them comes to you and says hey mom or dad this is what is happening in my marriage, would you give them the same advice. Go head Jr. and waist what precious time god gives you in this world on someone who can not reciprocate intimacy with you... Hello there is no way in hell I would tell my kid, friend, or parent that its okay for them to be with someone who can not reciprocate physical or emotional closeness. That is just crazy.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can empathize with those who look elsewhere to satisfy their needs because their not getting it in their relationship but still want their relationship to work because the sex is the only part thats broken.

If your not having sex, then the sexual part can't be the only part broken. The communication part has to be "broken" also

 

Mr. Lucky

[Soldierblue]

Lyfelite. Easy for you to say the sadest thread you've read. Try having to go through what I and others go through. Wouldnt it be so easy to say sod it and walk off. When I say I stay for my kids sake I mean mine as well. I love to watch my kids every day growing up and experiencing all those new things in life. I dont want to be a part time dad seeing my kids once a week. I also happen to love my wife very much and I dont want to just walk away and find someone who'll have sex with me. I would like my wife to have sex with me.

I think I have to agree with you record producer on the second point that shes just not interested. She has given various reasons but each time they are different.

The problem that you get left with is either put up with it or have an affair. I have said this when the subject comes up about every 6 months but all i get if she finds out I'll be thrown out. Ideally I would like to find out what the problem is either me or something else and try to find a solution.

 

Mark

[JamesM]

As someone who spent quite a few years (about six) in a sexless marriage...and by some standards still do (three to four times a month depending on how busy we are is acceptable right now, but I strive for higher goals...and we will get them), I can tell you that it may change tomorrow.

 

How much have you really researched why your wife/husband has no interest? Have you REALLY talked with her in a serious manner? And as some have told me...rightly so, do you remind her? If she shuts down the conversation, why? When did she begin losing interest...children, change in job, less time spent together? Every detail may be the piece of the puzzle that solves the problem.

 

I can truthfully say, that if the opportunity had come along, I am afraid that I would have had an affair. But then since the opportunity didn't arise, I cannot say. Those were my feelings for quite a long time. I carried alot of anger and resentment towards my wife.

 

About a year ago, decided to really try to find out why she lost her libido...or rather how I could get it back.

 

Start with medical reasons. Any diseases/conditions that you know of? Here is where if sex is the only problem...you shouldn't have a problem communicating this question. This was "our" problem. Even though she was on meds for many conditions, a change of medication brought back most of her libido. As a result of me finding this Board and another. someone suggested going to drlowedot com. This gave info how that for some people normal thyroid meds were not going to balance their thyroid. Even though the numbers looked good, for them "normal" is not normal. From this I was able to give her info that she brought to her doctor. He agreed to make the change. The results were amazing. It gave her a relatively pain free life. Her mood became much more positive and she regained alot of her energy. Guess what? She is grateful to me for doing the research. It doesn't bother her that my motive was sex....it makes her happy that I did not give up on her. Without my looking for a sex solution, she would still be in a hopeless life of pain.

 

Next find some books that may relate. There are some good ones on Amazon that would help. The Sex Starved Marriage comes to mind. Also Judith Reichman has one. Sit back and find out what applies. Is it technique? Children? Job stress? Housework? Relationship?

 

If you have communicated how important sex is to you, then she should be interested in trying to change. If sex is the only problem, then this should be easily a joint effort. Unfortunately, as Mr Lucky said, rarely is it just sex. This means like me you will be on your own.

 

It reminds me of the person who never voted yet complains about how the country is ran...or the one who voted back in 1964 and doesn't bother anymore. Same thing here...if you plan on sticking it out or have considered an affair, don't just complain and figured there is no hope. You owe it to yourself to exhaust all possibilities and solutions for your lack of sex.

 

If someone had told me a year ago that I would be typing this, I do not think I would have believed it. Now go and do the right thing...your wife may become your wife again and be ever so grateful to you for caring.

[Flyin in Clouds]

As mrlucky just stated how to do ask/tell your partner that you need to have this sexual need fulfilled and that you want them to be the one to fullfill it without offending them? I don't have a clue anymore. Tried the flowers dinner chocolate things and got a toe massaged for it. Won't be trying those things again since they didn't work.

You're mistake is thinking you have to avoid offending her.

 

Tell her you are going to have an affair. You'd like her to be your mistress, but is she's not interested you'll be looking for someone else to do that job. It's called a wake up call, and it's better than the rude awaken of surprising her after you've had the affair.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...Ive even had my kids DNA tested (she doesnt know) to make sure they are mine. ...

ok, how did you do that?

[Flyin in Clouds]

Why do you think she's cheating? Because no sex for so long?

 

Minus the sex life, how is the rest of your marriage? Are you two meeting eachothers needs?

Like sex isn't a need? And when a wife that used to like sex stops wanting it from her H the H tends to think she's getting it someplace else.

 

Don't assume she's cheating, unless she's out alot and not home with you or you have some clues that are making you feel like she is.

It's the natural assumption of a guy. How many couples are in each others presense 7/24? Like she chouldn't be cheating while the H works?

[RecordProducer]

I think you are spot on. In the "limerence" period early on, we all want to please our partner, sexually and otherwise. However, as that infatuation passes, most people begin to feel that specific aspects of the relationship have to work for them - just pleasing your partner is no longer enough. Based on the postings here, that transition seems to leave some partners without much sexual motivation as time goes by. Just telling your partner "I need sex" isn't very compelling under those circumstances. How to go from there?

Right. At the beginning, almost all wives cook with pleasure for their new husbands. But later, only the ones who really love cooking will keep doing it. Those who hated it in the first place will quit or avoid it as much as they can, even though they did enjoy it at the beginning.

 

I like cooking, but I see it as a waste of time (and even money). I only cook to "justify" my stay-at-home-mom role , because my husband works. My kids are at school from 8,30 AM 'till 4 PM, I have a cleaning lady once a week, I can spend as much as I want, hubby is great to me and adores my kids from my 1st marriage, so I feel like I owe him a decent meal at least, when he gets home hungry from work.

 

But while you can accept cooking as a necessary part of life (and I am trying to make it easier on me), sex is a different animal. It's nothing like brushing your teeth or doing the laundry. And it shouldn't be...

[alphamale]

so I feel like I owe him a decent meal at least, when he gets home hungry from work.

nothing like leg of lamb and roasted potatoes for dinner and then a nice blowjob for desert.....ahhhh. life is good

[dg1v2b]

What may offend or compliment one person will not do the same for another. So as one person's problem solving worked for them in their relationship it won't work for others. The hope here is to find the solution that looks most familiar to what is going on with you and may work best for you. No solution is a cure all.

[Tomtabear]

First of all I would say a sexless marriage is no sex no touching. I have been in a sexless marriage for years and never got over the felling of wanting to F!@#. I tried the toys and that was okay at first. But you get to a point where you wonder what is wrong with you that you can't have any physical contact and it adds insecurities to your self esteem. I am still married but am having an affair now.

[RecordProducer]

nothing like leg of lamb and roasted potatoes for dinner and then a nice blowjob for desert.....ahhhh. life is good

I cooked lamb chops and potatoes today and he doesn't eat lamb!

 

K, no more lamb.

 

I have been in a sexless marriage for years...

I am still married but am having an affair now.

Good for you.

[JamesM]

What may offend or compliment one person will not do the same for another. So as one person's problem solving worked for them in their relationship it won't work for others. The hope here is to find the solution that looks most familiar to what is going on with you and may work best for you. No solution is a cure all.

 

True yet untrue. Just because something worked for one person does not mean it will work for you, but thre is a pretty good guarantee that someone does have a solution that WILL work for you. The catch is that we need to see and understand which one will work. Too often we have the solution right in front of our eyes, but we either do not apply it to our situation because we do not want to try to do it.

 

One of the hardest things to do in a sexless marriage that experiences rejection day after day is keep up hope. Only hope will give one the energy to keep looking for solutions.

 

Once all hope is gone, the only choices are divorce, stagnate or seek an affair.

[JamesM]

First of all I would say a sexless marriage is no sex no touching. I have been in a sexless marriage for years and never got over the felling of wanting to F!@#. I tried the toys and that was okay at first. But you get to a point where you wonder what is wrong with you that you can't have any physical contact and it adds insecurities to your self esteem. I am still married but am having an affair now.

 

Personally, I truly understand your feelings. Being rejected by your husband is hard. But as a man who didn't get much sex but wanted it, I cannot relate to your husband at all. However, I don't think an affair will do much for the situation. I have wanted one, too, but men don't seem to be able to get one as quickly as a woman...probably a good thing in my case.

 

I don't have advice for you and I am not judging you, but I question your reasoning for an affair....and I wonder what you hope to gain from it in the long run.