How would you feel in a sexless marriage?

[Soldierblue]

ok, how did you do that?

 

Check online. Plenty of companies out there. All it takes is a mouth swab.

[CynicalP]

I thing the whole thing boils down to the lack of communication between the penis and vagina.

 

 

 

 

That is truely brilliant! I think that is the funniest yet most accurate saying I have ever seen. I think you should patent that!

[mental_traveller]

 

Would you dump a partner with whom your sexual life brings you nothing but frustration?

 

I would if they made little or no effort to rectify or work around it. If they tried their best then I don't think I would leave, no.

 

Also it depends on what sort of marriage you have. If you took marriage vows including "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health", then you can't leave just because the sex starts to suck, because you agreed to stay together even if that happened. If you just had a civil marriage and didn't make those vows, then you're entitled to leave, but I think you should both try your best before calling it quits.

[mental_traveller]

 

Obviously giving someone a HJ is annoying for them as much as it's annoying for you to be sexually starved. [/b]

 

How is it annoying to use your hand to turn on the person you love? It's only *annoying* if you don't love them, or if you have become bored or even sick to death of them. Then it's annoying. If you're in love with them and just tired, stressed, or not into sex, then you'd be more than happy to give them a good time with such little effort! This goes for guys as well as women, before any frigid wife start complaining.

[boshemia]

I dunno, I'm a big believer in therapy. However, some people just can't seem to go to a counselor.

 

Lack of sex in a relationship is a problem, and all problems have solutions. You can't find a solution to a problem by putting more focus on the problem or the problem just keeps getting bigger.

 

The most common soultion to the partner not being interested in sex is to stop trying. Makes sense no? The guy always looks at me like I've lost it when I tell him this, but it's true... I tell him to swear off sex totally for six months and focus on the rest of the relationship, spending time together, doing things as a couple, talking...

 

During that six months you can't focus on "I'm doing this just to get her in bed again" or it wont work... shes smarter than you think. It has to be totally sincere...

 

And don't worry it won't last six months, it never does... As soon as you reestablish the trust in the relationship she lets down her guard... Talking about each other tends to be a huge turn on for women, she feels closer to you and therefore wants to feel even closer.

 

Men give love to get sex, women give sex to gain love...

Men have sex to relieve tension, women talk to relieve tension...

Men view sex as a need, women view sex as a gift...

 

I'm not saying you should resign yourself to a sexless marriage, there could be a lot more going on than just sex (there usually is) but this first step can help identify the next step.

 

To be fair... It worked in many other marriages but did not work in my own. My ex was barely interested in sex... with me... he didn't have problems having sex with other people lol... eventually neither did I.

 

I've remarried and my ex is still trying to carve out his sexual identity... apparently... because now his is seeking a gay partner...

 

Eh... can't win em all...

[Guest]

I think that a married person, who does not crave for initmacy, is not interested in or refuses sex with her/his spouse--such a person does not love her/his spouse enough, pure and simple (excluding cases where there are justified medical reasons or such). At least they don't love their spouse's body. How aweful and sad it is to live and sleep with someone who doesn't love your physical body! No matter how lofty and close a friendship you have with your spouse!

[Mustang Sally]

Well, I was gone for a week, and look what all has been happening around here! Thank you, for this thread, RP. Obviously, it is striking some nerves.

 

I admit, I read the replies through page 9, and then just went straight to post.

 

Some points I'd like to share:

 

My H and I married 13 yrs. At first (before married) frequent, wild sex (the usual, no?). He was very previously experienced, I - not so much.

 

After marriage, frequency decreased. Jobs stressful, then baby #1 came along. Wore me out. Also on birth control all of my dating and most of married life. Had NO idea how that completely SQUASHED my libido until he got "fixed" after baby #4 and I went off the pill. Now am near the apparent death-of-libido 38 years and let me tell you honey, I'm a horny chick! However, this does definitely wax and wane with my monthly cycles. So that business about women being done at the end of the 30s is not necessarily true.

 

I must admit that early in marriage, when having kids and working too much (both of us), I was responsible for very little sex in our marriage. It tore my husband up, and occasionally I tried to do it just to do it, but it wasn't fulfilling for him, and I felt used afterward, also. I didn't get it about men having sex tied to their expression of intimacy in a relationship, because the hormones I was on just killed any desire I might have had. I read about it alot, (both from male and female perspectives) and we both worked on it together.

 

Now, I'm on a different side of things. I am finding my H an inadequate lover. (Ouch! I've never allowed myself to actually put that down on paper, before.) He tries (bless his heart), and I try to help him, (and me), but the encounters are frustrating for me much of the time. Sometimes I wish I could turn down the libido so I wouldn't be so frustrated about the inadequacy. But now I find myself looking elsewhere...(don't worry, I haven't acted on this). Funny how things turn around on you, isn't it?

[Scrivdog]

Wow, you're quite the catch there, Sally! Your hubby is such a lucky man!

[Mustang Sally]

Ha Ha. Look, I'm just being honest about things. I'm not perfect, but neither is he. We've been working on it, but truth is sometimes I want to work on it more than other times, and sometimes he wants to work on it more than other times. I can't imagine any kind of long term relationship that didn't have that kind of growth ache/pain. I've finally gotten to a point with my sexuality that I'm realizing this guy who always portrayed himself as a real macho-stud in his previous single life maybe wasn't as skilled in the ways of women as he (was led to) believe(s).

 

But you've got to give the guy credit. He is willing to try. I'm surely experiencing a (late) second adolescence, and I'm admitting I'm struggling here. Make fun if you wish.

[Mr. Blue]

I would say I’m definitely in a sexless relationship... eleven times in the past three years... it’s depressing and lonely. Yes, I know... it’s lame to count but it’s hard to not know the number when it’s so far and few between... besides 8 of the times were once a night, eight nights in a row trying to get pregnant (and succeeding) with our second child.

 

So, eleven times in three years... eight of which were clumped together... three other times spread around for good measure. I love my wife and I love my kids but I feel alone. Very alone. I’ve talked to my wife about it on a number occasions and everything will look like it’s going to get better and then... nothing. She barely wants to be touched. I’m not one for relationship games but sometimes I will purposely not initiate hugs or kisses (I’m not talking little pecks here, we do that all the time... I’m talking kisses where I feel likes she wants me) to see how long she could go without even noticing...

 

Ah... I don’t know... the more I type the more depresses I get... I hope I’ll be able to come back and write the rest of this post someday... I’m an annoyingly slow typer...

 

Great thread...

--

Mr.Blue

 

(Oh, I forgot to mention... I just turned 30 and it’s already to this... my little cloud just got a little bigger...)

[dg1v2b]

When sex is like my marriage, after 22 yrs, and its only 7 or 8 times in a year you get depressed about it. You also start to resent what he/she is doing ( I use that phrase lightly) since it causes you to feel depressed. After many talks over the years its just not there any more. Even when it was one of those 7 or 8 times I found that there just wasn't any "feeling" in it and couldn't even get to climax. Pretty bad for a guy to say that but your still left with dealing with your resentment about the situation and depressed that you were turned down or not even noticed when trying. Believe me I did all the foot rubs, back rubs, candles, candies, dinners over the years .........nothing. Even when we tried she didn't want any fore play just in and out. I want to experience more from sex than that and well I'm seriously thinking of leaving at this point since I'd like to experience life and sex before I get to old and the tools won't work any more. How many times do you try to fix things before you just have to call it quits? Hate to give up 22 yrs but you only live once and I'm not getting any younger.

[Guest]

Before I married I fell so deeply in love w/husband, put him on a pedastal; he was a living SEX G_AWD to me. My fantasy ran wild while we were intimate. Then (yrs ago, he had an affair for yrs I find out and the lies on top of another, find our r/s or reconciliation IF that is since he never says the love words and quite frankly I cant read his mind,) well lets say the lies and choices to be w/her took alot of the desire or love away. tho we are somehow finding our way back to togetherness..).

 

The affair? Where do I start, I was devastated. She was everything I was not. I spiraled straight down--for yrs they continued their r/s as if I couldn't have known which only escalated the hurt, sadness and hit me like a brick wall. Oh they went on and on just supportive friendship blah blah, their civility, rights, just sickens me. Now, I no longer feel the NEED but believe it is what is missing in our r/s. Maybe I need counseling or maybe the hurt just was too much and the damage irreparable. I don't know. My feelings have been thru majors over a period of 11 yrs. Maybe I am relunctant due to his continuance of his time during holidays, and yes he does put 'family' first. Anyway it is supposedly over. Truthfully, I feel so indifferent about that hurtful time now I may have excluded him emotionally. This is not my intent.

 

I take it day by day and there has been noteworthy signs. But I feel more independent, and I feel w/o posible counseling or more up front flexibility, past issues may take a stand and the usual get out or whatever applied as before. Arguments seem like too much effort really and I only get upset if he states name calling of me directly. Blah blah on both ends. Anyway, I prey we can stand up and be less petty because in the past b/f A leaving really would kill me as even the mere thought of him leaving or w/another would break my heart to pieces. Prior to A demanding I lv yrs ago and finally did on my own the 3rd and final time, not expecting to return. Well, time; he demanded away, from me, strengthened the old issues away and we remained in constant contact, but his refusal to be intimate w/me on countless times left me seeking out others,

 

For the first time in 10 yrs, it was not only awkward but strange I was so out of touch with the whole dating scene. But now sooo glad I did. I opened up and now realize how stuffed up I was and what had happened back then to us really beyond control. He has my forgiveness sincerely, but our 4 yr separation he insisted on took its toll. How in those 4 yrs. I cried every nite preying for him to tell me it was all a lie and to come home. Nope he would have nothing of it. Just last week I noticed some of those old demons (actions, nervousness) that I KNOW he has no recollection of but he doesn't believe I would recall them. Anyway no major to me,NOW just stupid name calling the oh family first like always and now really have a much better time alone w/my family anyway. It mutual, mature, agreeable. But that aside, there is much missing here.

 

I believe in being open and forgive and try to forget. [moreso, than maybe i should,] but I want the truth and if I find out later, THAT will be enough to send me out of this limbo or lack of passion if you will, and really give no further regard and say we tried. There;s more [isn't there always? yes 2 sides]to this but this is the highlits.

 

I presume to be fair as he, but really, I am not completely assured, and maybe an open confrontation of questions and honest answers towards each other may adjust what is needed to break that final and last spell for us. Not break us, but the wall. Besides...

 

There are others out there. Maybe he was hoping I wouldn't come back!

 

What do you all have to say? I don't want to give up, but my return wasn't exactly the plan of the yr and perhaps a bit unexpected. Anyway the struggle is apparent from both of us. Our love is evident but I don't want to be the one that has to make it or break it, intimately or friendly goodbyes. Besides I refuse now to push where I once was regarded as less than which we both were responsible to levels of a degree, in one form or another. But how do I state this to him that time is needed here and not a turn off?

 

Help!

[MoonGirl]

Guest,

 

Your post was confusing to me...but I am tired. Are you talking about having returned to your ex spouse after he had a long-term affair? I don't know what your exact concern is, but I wish you the best in your relationship. No man who would cheat on me would ever see the whites of my eyes again.

 

 

All,

 

Regarding the sexless relationship thing... my H and I have not been intimate for over 2 years and it is AWFUL. I do not withold intimacy because I have no desire, but because my H does not fulfill my needs and because he is abusive (verbally and physically). I think most women (not ALL though!) who withold sex do it for a specific reason. I do it because I don't like my H. He refused to please me and only pleased himself, which made me believe he cared very little for my pleasure. He would not use his hands, vibrator, oral, nothing at all...only the standard in and out. BORING! Aside from that, he refused to massage me or have any foreplay at all. When he would complain that I was cold, I felt like laughing. Basically, what he meant was I was not willing to please him even though he was unwilling to please me. So, for men who complain about their GF or wives not pleasing them, ask yourself if you are willing to please her too ('cause if you're not, she's not likely to enjoy herself and not likely to ever want sex with you). Also, I know that I (along with many other women) definitely don't feel like pleasing a man who doesn't seem to care about my well-being on a day-to-day basis. My H never helped me around the house, with the kids, etc. I felt like a maid and was EXHAUSTED by the time we went to bed. On top of that, he was extremely verbally abusive (a big no-no if you want sex) and also physically abusive (also a big no-no). I am not a nun, however. My libido is STRONG and I would like to have sex 2-3 times per day with a DESERVING man who has the capacity to please me and also treats me well. Like another poster on here, I definitely feel like I'm going through a 2nd teenager-dom. My next BF will be very satisfied I think (especially since I've been celibate for over 2 years!).

[Mustang Sally]

MoonGirl,

I think your post emphasizes what I was trying to say in my above post. That if the sex is not happening because the woman is not "into it," maybe the man ought to consider that when the sex was happening, it wasn't that good for her. She may have kept this hidden so as not to upset the man.

 

After awhile I got tired of my H always getting his, but me rarely (and then never) getting mine. Unfortunately, I enabled this kind of dysfunction by constantly putting my husband's sexual needs (for climax, etc.) ahead of mine. I thought "he needs it more than me" and "it doesn't really matter if I don't get there..." blah blah BLAH!

 

And I held it against him that he doesn't have a CLUE how to touch, etc. me in the ways I need (despite YEARS of trying to coach him). I finally got fed up enough to start researching this issue and read alot about it. I realized that I have to take responsibility for my own pleasure during sex. And that goes all the way from making sure I climax to just feeling desirable by taking care of my health and body. As I get back to enjoying sex with him (because I am making it so in the ways that please me), then hopefully I'll be able to enjoy what he can do for me instead of always waiting for him to just "get it right" for me. And he is very much enjoying the whole situation, so it's not like my "selfishness" has no benefit for him.

 

But at least in my situation, I have a H who has been willing to try a new approach, when I asked him to. It doesn't sound to me like your H is/was willing to try. I'm sorry for you and understand the second adolescence experience.

 

I have come to the conclusion that if women (in general, as a gender) were more "selfish," so to speak, about getting their sexual needs met, that probably there would be a whole lot less sexless marriages and a whole lot lower divorce rate. Again, unfortunately, there are many societal barriers in place that keep many women from even understanding that it's OK to expect that their sexual needs be met - the way women want, not the way we have been conditioned to think that our needs should be met. And of course, I understand that sometimes it's the men who aren't into sex in these sexless marriages. Maybe it's the same type of thing for them?

 

Basically world peace just boils down to "Orgasms - and lots of them - for everyone!"

 

Sorry for the rant...

[MySugaree]

Sex matters. Or, more precisely, the quality of sex matters. The question, as I understand, is when, if ever, should bad (or no) sex be a relationship breaker. The answer depends on the nature/personality/sex drive of the disappointed partner. Not God, or vows.

 

There's no right or wrong answer.If the aggrieved partner believes that the relationship is no longer tenable because of his/her partner's chronic lack of interest (or skill), that person should be able to take remedial measures without the wrath of God (or Shackers) descending on him/her.

 

Sex matters more to some than to others. Relationships matter to some more than others. To the relationship-at-any-cost crowd I can only say: It's my life, my sex drive and my need for meaningful erotic connection, not yours. That, for whatever reason, you can better discipline your sex drive does not make you a better person. Integrity and a low sex drive are not synonymous.

 

Bad sex often is a relationship-killer. And that is how it should be.

[MoonGirl]

M Sally,

 

I'm so glad that you and your H are working on being selfish in the bedroom together. You're very lucky to have someone that is willing to try new things! I really hope it works out for you! For me, my H was just so verbally abusive and defensive when critisized that any suggestion (whether bedroom-related or not) usually elicited the reply "you're stupid" or "I don't care". If it weren't his idea, then there was no considering it. I finally realized that there's just no working with that! I've decided to be "selfish" in all areas of life with the exception of being a good mother to my children. Now that I have entered my 2nd adolescence, I hope I will find someone who'd like to have lots of fun with me!

 

MySugaree,

Yes quality of sex matters! I don't know why people put up with less if it's important to them. I certainly won't make that mistake again!

[CynicalP]

I am really sorry to hear that Moongirl. No one deserves to be in a abusive relationship. If I were in your shoes I would have cut my losses a long time ago. However, I am sure you have your reasons to remained tied to this man, but you should demand he treat you with dignity and respect.

 

I believe women should be as equally selfish in their pursuit of sexual satisfaction.

[MoonGirl]

CynicalP,

 

Yes, I stayed with H for 6 years, and most of it was hell on earth. Unfortunately, I am living proof that an attractive, college educated, professional woman can fall into the trap of being abused. The abusers usually first suck you in since they are so charming and romantic, then they begin to mess with your mind. It was only when the physical violence began that I took a hard look at what a monster I had married, but I have to say that the verbal/emotional abuse was far more damaging than the physical abuse (at least for me). Of course, at first the sex was fantastic...pretty standard stuff, but since he was romantic too it worked for me. Then, once all the blaming, guilt-tripping, mind games, etc got so bad, I had little desire to be intimate with him.

My H was an extreme case, but our relationship shows that a man who is not willing to provide his woman with what she needs/desires (love, satisfying sex, a safe environment, etc) will likely not get sex. Who wants to have sex with someone who treats you like Sh*t? I think the same goes even for men who just expect to have a quickie and not please their mates. Who wants that kind of sex? I went more than 2 years w/out sex with my H. Strangely, he didn't complain. I got myself a vibrator. lol.

[CynicalP]

I don't blame you in your situation at all. However that is not true in my case where my wife has sex on such a low priority list. I make it a point when we do get intimate that she get's hers ( she is usually on top and in control) before I get mine.

[MoonGirl]

CynicalP,

 

I'm sorry to hear your wife has sex on such a low priority. I don't know if books would help, but here are a couple that I found interesting.

 

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

 

He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man

 

Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love by Kramer

 

Mars and Venus in the Bedroom: A Guide to Lasting Romance and Passion

 

Do you have very young children? I know that many women with very young children are often too exhausted to have sex. They put their children before everything else. Maybe a romantic date once a week could help. Another idea (if you're willing) is taking massage class together (massage works wonders for many women!) Also, is your wife on birth control? I know that MANY women who are either breast feeding or on hormonal birth control often have low or non-existent libidos. Switching from the pill or the IUD that contains hormones to the copper IUD or another form of birth control with no hormones might perk up her libido. When I was breast feeding I had NO desire at all. None. The idea of sex seemed like a COMPLETE waste of time, kind of like shortening your nails with sand paper for an hour. I could have read a book or watched TV during sex (I found it THAT pointless). Once I stopped breast feeding and got the copper IUD (instead of using the pill) everything changed. I feel like I'm 16 again!

[cranium]

How would I feel in a sexless marriage? I’d feel unimportant, uncherished and deserted. And I’m not talking about this sex once a year or less business; sorry, that’s insane if anyone puts up with that crap. You can’t marry someone and tell them “From now on, I’m the only person you can have sex with”, and then not have sex with them. That’s bs - life’s to short. Look at Mr. Blue –eleven times in three years??? It’s not lame of you to count; it is your wife’s behavior that is lame. If her issue is medical, mental, emotional, wherever, she has a responsibility to herself and to you to figure it out. There is no reason you should be alone in a relationship for life.

 

Do you have very young children? I know that many women with very young children are often too exhausted to have sex. They put their children before everything else. Maybe a romantic date once a week could help. When I was breast feeding I had NO desire at all. None. The idea of sex seemed like a COMPLETE waste of time, kind of like shortening your nails with sand paper for an hour. I could have read a book or watched TV during sex (I found it THAT pointless).

 

I’m also not talking about situations like MoonGirl’s where one has an abusive partner. I’m talking about a shared partnership where Dad is as involved as Mom in the daily activities of the household. Dad can be exhausted too. If you win the lottery, are you going to be too exhausted to claim your winnings? Maybe a romantic date once a week? Snore. When’s the last time Mom set up a romantic date for Dad? It goes both ways.

 

"No desire, a complete waste of time, pointless." Again, MoonGirl, I wouldn’t want to be intimate with an abusive partner either. But in a non-abusive, equal weight pulling relationship, there are TWO partners. One may not have had the desire and may consider if a waste of time, but what about the other partner? Tough hunny, go spank it. It’s a “Choice” you can make because you cherish your partner.

 

Once a week and that once is not a shared experience where each partner is there fully present to and for the other. I could have and would like to have sex every day (several times a day) and if my partner isn’t present to me it certainly wouldn’t be rewarding. I consider this to fall within the definition of sexless.

 

If you took marriage vows including "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health", then you can't leave just because the sex starts to suck, because you agreed to stay together even if that happened.

 

For the most part, those vows also include “love, honor and cherish”. Again, not being fully “present” to and for your partner is not “cherishing”. That’s a vow breaker in my book. While frequency is important, there’s more to it than physical release. Many, many people I know of both genders love sex. I’m tired of feeling as if I have to apologize for wanting to be sexual with my partner.

 

There’s another “desire” component that to me is often overlooked. This is what makes affairs appealing. For instance with my spouse, I just can't understand why she never just “has to have me”. It’s a conscious choice she could make. The waitress in the coffee shop (hypothetical, of course) sure as hell desires me.

 

There's no right or wrong answer.If the aggrieved partner believes that the relationship is no longer tenable because of his/her partner's chronic lack of interest (or skill), that person should be able to take remedial measures without the wrath of God (or Shackers) descending on him/her.

 

Sex matters more to some than to others. Relationships matter to some more than others. To the relationship-at-any-cost crowd I can only say: It's my life, my sex drive and my need for meaningful erotic connection, not yours. That, for whatever reason, you can better discipline your sex drive does not make you a better person. Integrity and a low sex drive are not synonymous.

 

Bad sex often is a relationship-killer. And that is how it should be.

 

Well put, MySugaree.

[Scrivdog]

You're mistake is thinking you have to avoid offending her.

 

Tell her you are going to have an affair. You'd like her to be your mistress, but is she's not interested you'll be looking for someone else to do that job. It's called a wake up call, and it's better than the rude awaken of surprising her after you've had the affair.

 

Seriously, what cave have you been living in? You do not announce to your frigid wife that you will be looking elsewhere for sexual gratification if she does not step it up. You may as well sign over all parental rights, all worldly assets and walk away.

 

Communication is one thing, but it only works if both parties are willing to talk, compromise, concede. Women that withhold sex from their husband do not compromise. They do not concede. They will talk, but mainly to hear the sound of their own voice, and if they listen it is only to try to catch a misspoken phrase or to seek out perceived veiled jabs she imagines you making. In short, she is only interested in what pertains to her. What effects her. What she will get out of negotiations.

 

This type of female behavior, I understand, used to be relatively rare, but is now commonplace. Sex has become a weapon, both offensive and defensive that women wield in order to get what they want. The problem is, they have little concept of how large that weapon is, like a two-year-old playing with a loaded assault rifle. Using that kind of power casually and recklessly results in serious, irreversible damage (cheating).

 

I would wager that the VAST majority of all infidelity begins with sex being withheld by the wife, and that withholding began with something impossibly trivial. As she withholds, he resents. As he resents, he behaves cold and hostile towards her. She withholds longer as punishment. He withdraws, or is now openly hostile. She withholds some more, based on his behavior. He gives up, looks outside the marriage for sex/intimacy. She wonders "where it all went wrong".

 

She could have stopped this whole cycle at anytime by stopping her policy of withholding, but her selfishness and stubborness prevented her from doing this. The man's behavior is nearly unavoidable in this situation because there is biochemistry at work ..

[Ladyjane14]

I would wager that the VAST majority of all infidelity begins with sex being withheld by the wife, and that withholding began with something impossibly trivial.

 

You'd lose your money, Scriv.

[Mustang Sally]

I'd bet that many women withhold sex because they are DISSATISFIED with it, plain and simple. I personally don't think that is a trivial reason.

 

Now, they may not have been upfront in communicating their dissatisfaction to their mates, and that is a huge issue that these women need to take responsibility for. But, come on, if the sex is good (physically and emotionally), why the hell wouldn't you want to do it? Just because we're women? Come on, that's a ridiculous and outdated myth that our society has got to STOP perpetuating.

 

Ask your wife if she's TRULY satisfied with the sex you've had with her. Then make judgements about whether the reason for withholding is trivial or not.

[MoonGirl]

Cranium,

It sounds like you and your W have a serious problem. Is your relationship otherwise good? I agree it goes both ways (when you refer to the romantic date), BUT you're the one who wants more sex, not your wife. That means you are the one who has to find a way to get what you want (as sad as it is). She is highly unlikely to try to woo you when she has no desire to have sex with you. Do you know if she has a desire at all? If not, maybe she should see a doctor or therapist.

 

The "love, honor, and cherish" thing can be looked at both ways too. I know both sides since I have had periods with no libido and now a period of very high libido. Both situations are terribly frustrating. The low libido partner can't imagine why sex is so important since they find sex unfulfilling, boring, pointless, etc. Sometimes I even thought of sex as something that only stupid people did since, at the time, I rationalized that people who were more evolved or educated didn't need or desire sex. But that, of course, was when I didn't have a sex drive. The low libido partner can think that the high libido partner doesn't "love, honor, or cherish" them because they are trying to "force" them to do something they do not want to do.

 

Now that I have a high libido, I see sex as a way to explore myself, to connect with my body, and to connect with another person deeply. A low libido partner will NEVER be able to understand this.

 

Of course, none of this would apply for a woman who has desire, but withholds sex for other reasons. But, I really do think, like M Sally suggested, that most women do not withhold sex for trivial reasons. It's not that a man has to hang from the rafters to make sex pleasurable, but the simple "in and out" just doesn't cut it for most women. For men who are willing to explore, I suggest exploring! Unfortunately, my H wasn't willing to try anything but the missionary position, so I was plain out of luck...which also meant he was out of luck. Why would ANYONE withhold sex if it is fantastic? Keep in mind, guys, that there ARE legitimate reasons why a woman's libido might be low - and these include hormonal birth control and breast feeding among other things.

 

I liked this book so much that I bought it for my BF-to-be (yes, we discuss sex, but haven't had any due to my circumstances. lol): [sIZE=3]She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]And I bought this one for me: He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man[/sIZE]