husband Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I have a question. My wife reads romantic novels. Every novel she reads builds up to steamy sex. Is this a form of porn? She tells me that she doesn't read them for the sex. But then why is it in every book? I read one of her books one time and let me tell you although it's not like penthouse letters they still get to the point(alot of detail). Why then cant i get a magazean with pictures(something she forbids).Isn't it the same thing? She is never romantic to me (but yet she reads about it all the time) and on the flip side i have always been romantic and carring to every one of her needs. I have to be the one to do everything. I have needs to and she knows that but i think she takes it for granted that no matter what i'll always be there and i'll never leave her. She never cares about my feelings. I am not jealous about the books. It's like a double standard. She can read about it but yet i'm not aloud to look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I agreee that it is a double standard. If she asks you not to buy magazines that bother her, you actually do not buy them and you are bothered with her romance novels, it seems just fair to me that she stops reading them. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 The only reason it is bothering you is because you can't have your porn? If you actually were bothered by her reading about sex, then I would say go ahead and ask her not to read it anymore but from your post all I am hearing loud and clear is "You get your stories so I get my porn!" If it porn bothers her and she asks you not to use it then I commend you for not using it. Many men would fight kick and scream to protect their precious pictures. If the romance novels bother you in the same way (insecure? makes you feel like less of a man to her? makes you feel like romance novels demean men or make women expect more of men?) then you have a right to go ahead and ask her not to read them anymore. But I suspect you are just looking for a way to make porn okay, and in the long run if you get your way and she lets you have your porn it still won't help the relationship much because it will only make her feel bad while you do it. Did you stop looking at porn to make her feel better about herself because it hurt her and made her feel unworthy or just to shut her up? Link to post Share on other sites
Madaline Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Well if you don't like her reading those then ask her to not read them anymore. Chances are she might just sneak around with them though. They can be quite addicting. Although theres nothing like reading a good romance novel let me tell you. You could always ask her why she reads them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husband Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 No. I am not bothered by it because i can't have porn. In fact i dont own any. I wanted the magazene to make her see how it feels. I have even written her a small note and put it in her book saying "It's not fair". nobody has answered my question. Is her reading these books a form of porn? She says she don't read it for the sex but yet it's always in there. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 If they are sexually explicit (albeit in a wordy way!) then yes, I would say this is a 'form' of porn - for want of a better expression! I had several of these books that they used to give away with magazines when I was younger. Erotic reading I suppose you'd call it. With women being less visual creatures than men, we don't really require the pictures, we can read the words and conjure up the pictures in our own minds. Come to think of it, they used to get me incredibly hot and bothered...!!! Hmmm goes off to google Erotic Reading....!! However - and this is only IMO - I can see that you wife feels perhaps that there is a distinction between her reading about sex/romance, and you actually viewing porn magazines. Myself I'm pro porn, so I don't mind. But I think it's seeing the actual pictures that she is against. Now you have to formulate your own arguement as to why the books she reads are just as upsetting to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Madaline Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Yes some of them are a form of it. "Polite porn" is what some call it but it depends on who you ask though. In majority of the novels women are sweept off their feet by the ideal guy and lot of women like reading about it. Is the romance part in the books that women like to read about and like to imagine themselves in that girls postion in the book their reading. Sounds to me like she is really into these books and then just gets so round up that she needs the sex. I used to feel the same way when I used to read these. I would get so aroused that I just had to find someone to relieve it. Hope that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 There's more going on than just the book. You and your wife are not 'connecting' the way you want. You're missing some intimacy and closeness with her and it seems she's pushing you away on some level. Keep talking to her, let her know HOW it makes you feel when .... (you fill in the blanks) and tell her some of your needs are not being met by her. Ask her if any of her needs aren't being met by you. Sometimes life gets into such a routine, it's easy for just slip into a pattern - So maybe it's time to shake things up abit! Grab her and just have some fun! Go out on a 'date' and fool around in the car! Bring back that passion and fun! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 God I have no idea how anyone can read that stuff. The plots are so thin and predicatable. I used to read them when I was in middle school, though. My 7th grade teacher saw me reading one of the books with a half naked man on the cover. She asked me to read the back and when she handed it back to me said, "Here's your Skiiiiiiin!" yes, it's soft core porn. like those porns that don't show penetration, just humping. yes, it is a double standard. If you're consignedto an emotionally distant marriage, you might as well get your kicks somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
OceanBlue Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I was going to say that books are more erotica than pornography, but when I checked the definitions, apparently they are exactly the same thing! I guess the question is what books exactly...romance novels don't strike me as being porn unless they are page after page of only sex (such as Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice). But I also don't exactly consider your basic Playboy/Penthouse magazines as hard core porn either. As mentioned before, men are visual creatures where women aren't...and if you are looking to her to get idea of how to romance you from these novels, it isn't going to happen. These novels are all about him sweeping her off her feet. And she probably thinks they are different because there are no pictures. All in all, I think it is a double standard. But you might have trouble convincing her of that... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 She's a hypocrite. Romance novels cater to those who don't have as much of a need for visual stimulation. Ignore your wife's restriction on porn magazines and go make yourself happy as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Quinch Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 It's like a man reading Playboy "just for the articles" Link to post Share on other sites
Mick1963 Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 My wife, an avid reader, goes through a couple of romance books a week. She said she often imagines herself as the main female in the story, and sometimes the lead female is the object of some deep erotic passions between herself and the mysterious hunky stranger who comes into her life. I have no problem with it. I want my porn, too, and as long as I have my laptop with a DVD drive and wireless internet connection I'm OK. There are times I inquire about what she's reading and just who the hunky guy she's fantasizing about this time. She'll even read me a hot lovemaking segment of a story, just to get me wound up. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 (something she forbids) What is she, your mom? Forbid her to read her novels. Or go buy a Barely Legal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husband Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 Well I am going to buy a longeria book. After all i'm just looking at the longeria not the women. The women just happen to be there. Another thing i am one of the most romantic anyone can meet. She is not. when i said that a certian perfume smelled great and that she should buy it she replied "I bet you would think it would smell better on someone else". I also asked her to buy some longeria and she said i should have to be the one who buys it or that she looked and she didn't find anything she liked . Isn't it soposto be what i like sometimes? I give up. It's all about her. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Sometimes would be ok but not all the time. I think its hard for guys to pick out sizes because not all brands fit the same way but thats just my opinion. Humm...sounds like some issues here are in place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author husband Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 Sometimes would be ok but not all the time. I think its hard for guys to pick out sizes because not all brands fit the same way but thats just my opinion. Humm...sounds like some issues here are in place. What did you mean with the last sentence(issues). Please tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 What did you mean with the last sentence(issues). Please tell me. I think she means it sounds like your wife is resentful towards you for some reason. I kind of got that impression too. Oh, and btw, it's spelled "lingerie". Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 If porn was sweet and romantic and not degrading or objectizing (is that even a word?) women then I wouldn't mind if my husband jacked to porn. I think the main problem women have with porn is that it makes women look like tools and those guys who use porn alot normally have expectations that the woman might not be comfortable with. Also many women have insecurity issues when dealing with porn, you can go about this in two ways : 1.) Blame it on her and tell her to fix her insecurity (making her even more insecure) and that you will look at porn because its "your right as a man" (not a recommended choice) 2.) Understanding her insecurity and working to help her overcome it as a team. Asking her to do the same for you. Sex as a woman is about 300% more intense when I feel secure. My husband knows that pornography hurts me, and though I've told him that I'm not going to stop him from looking at it (because of the guilt the men on this message board have made me feel) he is understanding enough to not want to hurt me and has stayed away from it. This has increased the intensity of our sex life immensely. He is always rearin' to go, and I am feeling incredibly desired and loved (and more importantly, like my feelings count more then naked women pictures and smut) Since you mentioned you are a romantic person I suspect the romance novels are making you feel similarly to how most women feel about porn. You seem to be wondering exactly why she would need to read and imagine herself with some perfect romance novel man when you are incredibly romantic and want the exact connection she is denying you by reading about it instead of engaging in it. Pornography reffers to pictures. So no, romance novels are not a form of porn. But porn and stories are both a form of fantasy so they can be related in some ways. Every relationship is different. You should never listen to other people saying "this is wrong, that is right OR this is our right as a man/woman!". Every couple works differently, it is up to you and her to decide wether or not making each other feel uncomfortable, undesired or shortchanged is worth the fantasy life you or her crave. I wish I could apply that to my own life, I have the problem of listening to the majority most of the time, which always ends up driving me nuts because I try to repress my own feelings in order to be that way. What I just said was basicly what my husband tells me when I try to hard to be perfect and disregard my own feelings. You can't just force away your own feelings, they will always come back and bite you in the ass. Respect her feelings and ask her to respect yours. Talk to her. You can use the pornography as an example to how you are feeling but I would advise against calling her on a catch 22 because that will only look like you are trying to get her to allow you to view pornography. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I think she means it sounds like your wife is resentful towards you for some reason. I kind of got that impression too. Oh, and btw, it's spelled "lingerie". Yeah it does. I don't know if you have problems as home or not but usually when women read these books (not all) its because they want to escape reality and are lacking romance and excitement. It focuses more on the emotional unlike regular porn where it's the physical. Its just like those girly flicks. It's not reality. Not saying that this is your case though. From what I have come to understand these books are mostly the early stages in a relationship which is full of excitment and romance. However there are other reasons why women turn to these. Personally I don't because I have no reason to. I would probably talk to your wife and see what happends. But don't start accusing her and such because it will only cause you both to fight. There is a reason why she wants you to buy her the lingerie and not her. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I have even written her a small note and put it in her book saying "It's not fair". nobody has answered my question. Is her reading these books a form of porn? She says she don't read it for the sex but yet it's always in there. Adults don't "forbid" their spouses to read or look at certain things. If a spouse is absorbed in something regularly, to the point where the relationship is starting to suffer, then obviously that is something to be raised in a "how do you think things have been going between us lately?" way. A lot of wives have posted here because they feel that porn is disproportionately cutting into their relationships and taking over their sex lives in a way they aren't comfortable with. Is that how you feel about the romance novels? These kinds of posts tend to attract a lot of comment about whether or not particular feelings are valid, rational or healthy - which often tends to just leave people feeling that they haven't been heard, and that there's no point in talking any further. Even if you don't agree that there's a rational basis for a person's feelings, it's hard to help them progress until you at least acknowledge that the person is hurting. The best way to get someone talking about a difficult relationship is generally to encourage them, in a very neutral and non-judging way, to give you their perspective - listen to that perspective, then provide yours. That's pretty difficult to do without destructive arguments developing, which is why people often elect to go to couples counselling instead. Perhaps counselling would help the two of you to relate to eachother in a more adult manner, so that you don't feel you need to leave notes expressing your feelings inside your wife's books. As to whether the books are pornographic, that's probably a very subjective matter. I think generally porn is used to describe material that is designed to elicit a physical (eg shock or sexual arousal) rather than an emotional/intellectual response. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 when i said that a certian perfume smelled great and that she should buy it she replied "I bet you would think it would smell better on someone else". Is it just me, or is this a red flag???? Something isn't right, she's unhappy and so it seems you're not too happy either. Maybe you both need to take the time to talk. And listen too. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Sounds like a red flag to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Marquis-de-Carabas Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Sounds like a red flag to me. HUGE red flag. Almost like she thinks that you're having an affair. That, or she thinks you don't really want her. That's something to sit her down and talk about. I mean really, really talk about. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 If porn was sweet and romantic and not degrading or objectizing (is that even a word?) women then I wouldn't mind if my husband jacked to porn. I think the main problem women have with porn is that it makes women look like tools and those guys who use porn alot normally have expectations that the woman might not be comfortable with. This is where men percieve the double standard. What about the expectations a romance novel puts upon men? How can the husband suddenly be the mysterious stranger cowboy with a husky voice who came in dusty from a long ride through the wilderness just to find that one rose bush? We can't compete with that fantasy person any more than the wife can stay 19, have perfect airbrushed silicone breasts, insatiable libido and the flexibity of a contortionist. In a way they are both creating fantasies just in different ways for the two genders. Link to post Share on other sites
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