outofdarkness Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I have been posting some on this forum for a couple of weeks or so and have appreicated the insight and advice so much...I thought that I would throw this out there. Do you all think that it is possible for the MM to be in love with the W and the OW at the same time? I have always pondered this question, even when I was alittle girl...I am NOT condoning A's, I just have always had a hard time with the concept that a person is only "allowed" to be in love with one person at a time, culturally speaking, I guess..I think I said in a post at one time that I can't think that my H had no feelings for the OW, as he kept telling me, because it was a long term affair, and it was sort of creepy to think that he could be with someone for this long and NOT have any feelings! I struggled with this because on one hand, it hurt so badly to think of him being in love with another Woman, but on the other hand, if he was telling me the truth and he did NOT have feeling for her at all, I would think of him as sort of sociopathic...There were many As inbetween the main OW, and I can deal with what he tells me about no feelings involved in THESE As because they were short lived, but the long term A, I think it would be bizarre if he did not have ANY feelings for her...Is it pretty standard that when caught, the H will tell the W that he had no feelings for her and that it was only about the sex? I have had some communication with her over the past couple of years since she sent me the letter, and she tells me the exact opposite. Although she did state emphaticaly that they never told each other that they loved each other and that he always said that he would never leave me...They BOTH said that they were not any good in committed relationships and that is one reason why it worked so well for so long...This woman was obviously very hurt when he stopped the A...I felt bad for her...Is this wierd? I know that she cried for days, as I did...I am just trying to get a better understanding of how the whole "feelings and OWs works"...Any insight would be helpful...Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
FrogWart Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I beleive a man can love 2 women at the same time. We have polygamy everywhere so come people even think it's acceptable socially. I think your H is very lucky that you are so intelligent, mature and willing to even think down that road. This must've been a very painful experience for you and yet you find the heart to feel sorry for OW. You're an incredible human being and your H is very lucky to have you. Never let him forget it! :-)) Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 my definition of love requires committment. So no, I don't believe that's possible. But I think it's entirely possible to lust after both women, and quite commonly many people confuse lust with love because they have no idea how to give or receive such a pure emotion. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I think that MOST affairs are about sexual excitment. Not all but I would say about 90%. People tend to get bored after years of being with the same partner and if someone that attracts them crosses their path, they usually go for it. I don't think it's possbile to be in love with two women. MM feel lust for the OW and more permanent type of love for the W. In the long run, lust always fades and that's why they stay with the W. Often MM can confuse the high they feel from the A with love and this can go on for quite a while. Your MM probably did have feelings of physical attraction for the OW and something that he thought was more at the time but now in hindsight realizes that it wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
sapphire0903 Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I have to disagree with the previous two posts. I was not involved with a MM until he began seeing his wife, then I became a OW (We were both separated at the time we met) The man I had dated for 2 years told me often that he loved me. He also told me he loved his wife. The man I speak of is trying to remain friends with me, and he tells me he is trying to work on his marriage. I saw him Friday, .........I helped him with paperwork, and we shared a pizza. But at the end of the evening, as I was leaving ........he told me "I love you". I believe each person is different and I don't feel that everyone has the capacity in their heart to love two different women at the same time, .......however differently, ......still love is there. So "in love" or just "love" may be interpreted in different ways. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 This question is not going to get any good answers because the english language is **** when it comes to having enough words to describe the different types of love that human beings are capable of feeling. I have fond feelings for my closet female friend, we say "I love you!" to each other all the time. But that's not the same love as you would have for a parent, a child, a mentor, a lover, or a longterm partner. Even the love you feel for a lover can and should grow and develop into something different as you build a life together. My issue with infidelity is that there is always an element of fantasy involved because the nature of the beast means that the two parties can never spendenough time together to develop the deeper intimacy that can only happen when you share your daily life with another person. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I have been posting some on this forum for a couple of weeks or so and have appreicated the insight and advice so much...I thought that I would throw this out there. Do you all think that it is possible for the MM to be in love with the W and the OW at the same time? I have always pondered this question, even when I was alittle girl...I am NOT condoning A's, I just have always had a hard time with the concept that a person is only "allowed" to be in love with one person at a time, culturally speaking, I guess..I think I said in a post at one time that I can't think that my H had no feelings for the OW, as he kept telling me, because it was a long term affair, and it was sort of creepy to think that he could be with someone for this long and NOT have any feelings! I struggled with this because on one hand, it hurt so badly to think of him being in love with another Woman, but on the other hand, if he was telling me the truth and he did NOT have feeling for her at all, I would think of him as sort of sociopathic...There were many As inbetween the main OW, and I can deal with what he tells me about no feelings involved in THESE As because they were short lived, but the long term A, I think it would be bizarre if he did not have ANY feelings for her...Is it pretty standard that when caught, the H will tell the W that he had no feelings for her and that it was only about the sex? I have had some communication with her over the past couple of years since she sent me the letter, and she tells me the exact opposite. Although she did state emphaticaly that they never told each other that they loved each other and that he always said that he would never leave me...They BOTH said that they were not any good in committed relationships and that is one reason why it worked so well for so long...This woman was obviously very hurt when he stopped the A...I felt bad for her...Is this wierd? I know that she cried for days, as I did...I am just trying to get a better understanding of how the whole "feelings and OWs works"...Any insight would be helpful...Thanks I believe your husband discounted his feelings for his OW to save you from even more hurtful feelings. This happens all the time when they get caught. They believe it will make it easier to work on the marriage, for you to move forward. Most have deep feelings of some sort for the OW/OM - fulfilling some void that has been missing in the marriage. They may not even recognise it as such... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 Thanks for the feedback so far...It's interesting to see different opinions on the subject...I thought that my definition of love was being in a committed relationship too, but I guess it's natural to question everything after you've been through something like this....Please keep the feedback coming...It's very helpful to me, and mabey others too... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 yea, I agree that many times, they either don't recognize the feelings or deny them for the reasons you outlined in your post...thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I think that MOST affairs are about sexual excitment. Not all but I would say about 90%. People tend to get bored after years of being with the same partner and if someone that attracts them crosses their path, they usually go for it. I don't think it's possbile to be in love with two women. MM feel lust for the OW and more permanent type of love for the W. In the long run, lust always fades and that's why they stay with the W. Often MM can confuse the high they feel from the A with love and this can go on for quite a while. Your MM probably did have feelings of physical attraction for the OW and something that he thought was more at the time but now in hindsight realizes that it wasn't. I am a MW having an affair with a MM that has been going on over 10 years. We both have disfunctional relationships at home but are committed to staying with our spouses because of our children. I do love this man but I must say that most of our relationship is sexual. We both feed off the excitement of the sex yet we know the other is there when we are going through a difficult time. Just seeing him once a week gives me strength to go on another week and his phone calls brighten my day and make me a happier person. Without him in my life I would be in a very dark place and he has cofessed the same to me. We basically need the attention we get from each other that we arent getting at home. Our sexual relationship has never lost its spark....he excites me today just like he did 10 years ago. Too bad I cant say that about my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Joelle Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Do you all think that it is possible for the MM to be in love with the W and the OW at the same time? Yes, I think it's possible. Is it socially/culturally acceptable? Nope, I don't think so. Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I thought that my definition of love was being in a committed relationship too, but I guess it's natural to question everything after you've been through something like this....Please keep the feedback coming...It's very helpful to me, and mabey others too... Love can mean so many things. It can mean a sense of commitment and loyalty to one person. But it can also be the butterflies in the stomach. It is also the desire to make the person happy and fullfilled. Love is a difficult subject! Therefore, I do believe that the MM do feel love for both the W and the OW. But the 'love' for each woman is different. Some months ago, I was certain that I was in love with another man and that I was not in love with my H, because I'd feel all tingly at the thought of the other man and disgust at the thought of my H. Now, I am most certain that I love both of them. I want to have both of them, and I want both of them to be happy. Who know, but maybe sometime in the future, I will love only my H. Love changes. It is not like the fairy tale stories, where love will always end happily ever after in a static state of infinite love! Good luck, outofdarkness! Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 Love can mean so many things. It can mean a sense of commitment and loyalty to one person. But it can also be the butterflies in the stomach. It is also the desire to make the person happy and fullfilled. Love is a difficult subject! Therefore, I do believe that the MM do feel love for both the W and the OW. But the 'love' for each woman is different. Some months ago, I was certain that I was in love with another man and that I was not in love with my H, because I'd feel all tingly at the thought of the other man and disgust at the thought of my H. Now, I am most certain that I love both of them. I want to have both of them, and I want both of them to be happy. Who know, but maybe sometime in the future, I will love only my H. Love changes. It is not like the fairy tale stories, where love will always end happily ever after in a static state of infinite love! Good luck, outofdarkness! very well said, thoughtful and helpful..thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Hi I have had some communication with her over the past couple of years since she sent me the letter...This woman was obviously very hurt when he stopped the A...I felt bad for her...Is this wierd? It seems to me that you are a wonderful and loving woman. No wonder your husband loves you and wants to keep you. When I had an affair with a MM some many years ago, he told me that he loved us both. That he wished he could have two wives, like in some other culture or times. And to not tell him that a man can't love two women at the same time, because he was living it. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 Hi I have had some communication with her over the past couple of years since she sent me the letter...This woman was obviously very hurt when he stopped the A...I felt bad for her...Is this wierd? It seems to me that you are a wonderful and loving woman. No wonder your husband loves you and wants to keep you. When I had an affair with a MM some many years ago, he told me that he loved us both. That he wished he could have two wives, like in some other culture or times. And to not tell him that a man can't love two women at the same time, because he was living it. Ariadne thanks...you have once again made OWs real to me...and proven that most of you all are like any group of women...kind, loving, helpful and genuine...Please note if any Ws are reading my posts, that as the W of a cheater, I am NOT condoning cheating in any way, shape or form...I am simply trying to understand the whole thing and I find that the path to forgiveness and healing goes in many directions..You can't heal until you understand some things...Also, I don't like thinking of anyone as being a bad person just because they made a poor choice...There have been many things in MY life that have been the result of poor choices, and I would hate for people to judge me just based on these choices.. Link to post Share on other sites
Dayzie Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 That he wished he could have two wives, like in some other culture or times. And to not tell him that a man can't love two women at the same time, because he was living it. This is how a polygamist sees it. I watched a show recently on TLC or one of those channels about a man with 2 wives, he'd been married to both for over 15 yrs and he had fallen in love with another woman and was planning on marrying her as well. Yes, they view love differently than an 'everyday' person, they believe you can love more than one person. Not that I agree with taking on mulitple spouses I'm not going to discount their views of beliefs. When I was with my ex fiancee I fell in love with another man but still loved my now ex just as I did before but we had grown apart. So I personally believe you can love two people at the same time, whether it's right or not really isn't for us to decide, bc you really can't help who you love or when you fall in love with them. Link to post Share on other sites
lover's rock Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 The way my husband described it was that he felt love for both. But each love was different. His love for her was based in excitement, sex, the possibility of a new life with a new person. He compared it to the love that we had in the very beginning when we were dating, it was just us, and we were adventurous and spontaneous. He described the love he had for me as sustaining. His love for me was based on the life we had together, our history, our familiarity and comfort around each other, our friendship, and our children. The excitement outwon the sustenance for awhile. But he never wanted to leave even when I told him to go. He described it as him being lost in the excitement/fog of it all and my existance was his only path to the light (because he saw himself lost in a cave. Like he couldn't help himself sometimes). Like how you know vegetables are good for you...but cake is just so much more exciting! And who knows? Maybe you can live on cake for the rest of your life. (Not trying to offend. This is the thought process he would tell me would go through his head.) Now I don't necessarily think it's right. And it's quite possible that it's a load of bull. Shows that MM will say just about anything because I'm sure at the same time he was telling me that, he was telling his OW that he loved her so much and one day they would be together forever. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Probably IN the moment the MM feels like he's completely head over heels inlove with his OW - It's all laid out there, new 'friendship', exciting, new body to explore...All the beginnings of a relationship. Can't get enough of eachother...But, eventually that wears out and life gets in the way hense relationships/marriage. Problem is, the MM is already married and to start a fresh relationship (hense affair) is really selfish! Even if it's possible he can love both women...It isn't the same. One gets the 'emotional attachment' and deep lust, desire and affection, and the other gets what's left over, usually the wife. She gets all the good, bad and the ugly mixed into one, and the OW gets all the good stuff, which makes him feel like he IS inlove because things are so good. I could be wrong here, maybe it is possible to feel so much passion and love for two people at a time, but one will always be more than the other. Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I'm not sure that i can fill any voids here, but i know that my MM does love his W and he loves me as well. I also believe they are 2 different kinds of love. With her, it is the history and friendship they've had for so long. They're mostly comfortable with each other. With me, he can share every emotion, every thought, just about anything. With her, he can't. She has never seen the side of him that i have seen. I can tell what kind of emotion he is feeling just by looking at him when he walks by or the tone of his voice on the phone. He only has to say 2 words and i'm asking him whats wrong. He's a workaholic, so she rarely sees or talks to him. I'm sure at one time she may have been able to do this as well, i don't know. But i know that they don't make time for each other, and i get more of his time than she does. In fact, one day while i was on the phone with him, he told me he'd call me right back because someone was calling and he didn't recognize the number. It was her, calling from her cell phone. That's how often they talk. He gets up in the morning before her and leaves, and he gets home when she's already in bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Hi, you have once again made OWs real to me...and proven that most of you all are like any group of women...kind, loving, helpful and genuine. Well, thank you. I don't know if all those things but I try. Bye now, Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Hi, Yes, they view love differently than an 'everyday' person, they believe you can love more than one person. I don't know. I can only love one person. But that's what he said, maybe he was just trying to make me feel better who knows. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I don't ask any questions about the W and he never tells me anything...but I KNOW that he loves me, maybe not enough, but he does love me... I assume he loves his W because he's still married to her... So I do believe that you can love two people at once... You love your spouse and your children... You love your parents and your siblings... I'm not at all saying that it's right or that it's something that happens to everyone, but it does happen... Link to post Share on other sites
Jane Doe Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I think there are many, many different types of love, thus I think it's possible to love two people at once. Keep in mind, however, love isn't just an emotion, it's an action. Someone may say (and feel) that they love you, but where they hang their hat at night, where and with whom they spend their holidays with, and who they share their paycheck, meals, and bed with show where their loyalties lie. Actions speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 JD: I see what you are saying...that he does these things with the W...but you are assuming that every MM goes home at a decent hour and wakes in the morning next to his W... Some MM don't have jobs like that...they have full day shifts (24 hours) or more and work holidays...besides that my MM lied to me about his marital status, his actions NEVER led me to even think he was married...he worked every single holiday and days and days in a row, sometimes even weeks due to his line of work... of course he doesn't share his paycheck with me, but neither would a boyfriend unless you are living together...and I can take care of myself anyways... But that's where the line is blurred as to where their loyalties lie...I can look at some things like he met my coworkers and I've met his and his friends...he took care of me for a week after I had surgery...there's a million other things but I won't bore you...but then he still stays with her so that really tells me something, too...so as to where his loyalties lie, only time will tell...one of us will have to end a relationship... so that is why I say that I know that he loves me, but maybe not enough... Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I think there are many, many different types of love, thus I think it's possible to love two people at once. Keep in mind, however, love isn't just an emotion, it's an action. Someone may say (and feel) that they love you, but where they hang their hat at night, where and with whom they spend their holidays with, and who they share their paycheck, meals, and bed with show where their loyalties lie. Actions speak louder than words. Where he hangs his hat and who he spends some of his holidays with, i'll give you. Where was he on his anniversary? With me! Where was he on our anniversary? With me! Where was he on Easter? With me! There's so much more, but anyways....... He shares many meals with me, he does share his paycheck with me, and he sleeps on the couch the majority of the time. This isn't all cut and dry. My MM has been nothing but brutally honest with me. I know parts of his life that i don't want to know, but hey, i deal with it. Since this is the case, apparently actions are speaking louder than words. He's not mine yet, maybe never will be, but he is showing me love according to your definition. Link to post Share on other sites
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