sourgirl Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 we fight about stupid stuff, and it turns into world war III because we have such different fighting styles. i try to talk out problems, i usually stay calm and i never raise my voice. he get deffensive and angry, yells and calls me names. it usually takes about 45 minutes to an hour before he calms down enough to explain where he's coming from. at that point i'm a puddle of tears and i don't even care about what we were fighting about, i'm completely broken up over how he could yell at me and call me those horrible things (think b words and c words). i've told him that i believe he has anger management issues, and i've asked him to see a counselor with me but he refuses. he says that if i can't control my crying then he shouldn't be expected to control his yelling. he also says that he's happy that he has the balls to call me the names he sees fit cuz it's better for him to call me a c*nt than to tiptoe around it and just treat me like one. he flat-out admits that, metaphorically speaking, if someone hits him with a stick he's gonna turn around and take them down with a baseball bat - he doesn't see the point in talking things through. the thing is, we don't fight very often, and when we do it's about ridiculous stuff. dishes, laundry, leaving a party later than we intended - nothing ground-breaking, nothing of any real significance. the fundamentals of our relationship are solid, we're overcoming all of the problems we've encountered up to now - but he says he has no intention of trying to solve this one so i'm starting to give up hope. i've tried to talk to some of my friends about it, but they don't see the problem. each of them say that they yell and scream and say horrible things to their boyfriends when they're angry - they think that it's okay. i know i'm really sensitive, and i know i grew up in a different environment than most people i know (my bf says i grew up at summer camp and that the real world isn't like that). i guess what i'm hoping for from this post is to hear how other people have overcome this problem - i mean, i can't be alone in this. can i? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Check out the book "Fighting FOR your marriage" by howard markman, scott stanley, and susan blumberg. the book is pretty good, and it has techniques on how to discuss issuessafely and clearly, use ground rules to keep arguments from becoming destructive, and enhance intimacy through non-confrontational communication. Your BF is a bit off when he said you're not in touch with the realworld. I have a really bad past, child abuse, rape, molestation, abusive relationships. I do yell and scream when I fight,but I hate it, I don't like it....I don't like how it hurts other people and I do my best to keep it from happening. So no, yelling and such is not normal . I don't know how to approach that portion of the problem. if he doesn't respect your need to calm down your confrontations, I have a hard time believing that everything else in the relationship is peachy. I mean, if it was, why can't he just accept and respect this need? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 i've tried to talk to some of my friends about it, but they don't see the problem. each of them say that they yell and scream and say horrible things to their boyfriends when they're angry - they think that it's okay. i know i'm really sensitive, and i know i grew up in a different environment than most people i know (my bf says i grew up at summer camp and that the real world isn't like that). excuse me? The real world is about bashing the one you love over the head to make your point heard? That's nuts. Nor do I agree with the advice that yelling and scream and saying things you can't retract is healthy in a relationship. Ideally, you try to fight fair. And the only way to learn to do that is to get the tools through counselling or self-help material. I'm pretty sure the Marriage Builders program promotes fair fighting; DH and I learned how to do it during a Marriage Encounter weekend, though we kinda knew the direction we *didn't* want our arguments to go ... google the term "fighting fairly" and you'll come across a number of sites that will give you a good idea of how to spar in a healthy manner. Bashing someone or dragging them down mentally just to prove a point isn't the way to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 the thing is, we don't fight very often, and when we do it's about ridiculous stuff. dishes, laundry, leaving a party later than we intended - nothing ground-breaking, nothing of any real significance. Then the b-word and c-word have no place in that kind of argument. Actually, they have no place in any argument with someone you love. He's completely wrong about that. It's hostile, disrespectful, and not at all loving. I've had a lot of boyfriends over the years and none of them have ever called me names during an argument. Have you suggested that you might not cry as much if he didn't call you filthy names? Link to post Share on other sites
sourgirl Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Have you suggested that you might not cry as much if he didn't call you filthy names? yeah, i mentioned that last night... i'm gonna hit up chapters tomorrow and see what i can find in the way of a fighting fair book, i'll check out that "fighting for your marriage" book. maybe if i read it first i could get him to read it as well... thanks guys for your help Link to post Share on other sites
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