Quick Question to everyone

[yousaveme]

i really want to know...Why does coming here feel like more of a bashing session on the OW/OM then support?

[blind_otter]

what is your definition of support?

 

IMO some of the best support I have gotten was the kind that didn't coddle me. After I lost my first baby I remember my mother coming to my house and dragging me out of bed and demanding that I take a shower and clean my house.

 

It hurt, at first, but it was the best support anyone could have given me.

 

Since LS isn't specifically for OW/OM -- it's for all people who have relationship issues -- it's unrealistic to expect that everyone will give you the kind of support that you WANT. But IMO, sometimes, what you want isn't necessarily what you need.

[reneet]

it takes the heat off of them. Of course. They'd do much better giving advice & bashing on a divorce support forum.

[BenThereDunThat]

i really want to know...Why does coming here feel like more of a bashing session on the OW/OM then support?

 

I know sometimes it seems like a lot of bashing. But for my experience, I got more helpful posts to my troubles than I did negative ones. I ignore the bashers. Unfortunately, you're gonna deal with those on a public forum.

 

And they're almost always signed in as 'guests'.

[yousaveme]

I know sometimes it seems like a lot of bashing. But for my experience, I got more helpful posts to my troubles than I did negative ones. I ignore the bashers. Unfortunately, you're gonna deal with those on a public forum.

 

And they're almost always signed in as 'guests'.

 

 

I guess i should chalk it up to the BS syndrome.

[reneet]

I know sometimes it seems like a lot of bashing. But for my experience, I got more helpful posts to my troubles than I did negative ones. I ignore the bashers. Unfortunately, you're gonna deal with those on a public forum.

 

And they're almost always signed in as 'guests'.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for the reminder that the bashers sign in as guests. The Guest Basher

YOUSAVEME, DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE SO CALLED "GUEST", THEY WON'T BE HERE FOR LONG!!

[yousaveme]

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for the reminder that the bashers sign in as guests. The Guest Basher

YOUSAVEME, DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE SO CALLED "GUEST", THEY WON'T BE HERE FOR LONG!!

 

 

there are the select few...We know who they are...WHATEVER

[reneet]

there are the select few...We know who they are...WHATEVER

 

There's a place for people who suffer from BSS. It's called divorcesupport.com.

[blind_otter]

There's a place for people who suffer from BSS. It's called divorcesupport.com.

 

No offense but I doubt all the bashers are betrayed spouses.

[yousaveme]

No offense but I doubt all the bashers are betrayed spouses.

 

 

Very true some people are just mean.

[Guest]

Very true some people are just mean.

 

And women who have affairs with married men are nice?

[reneet]

Very true some people are just mean.

 

 

MBSS:laugh:

[Guest]

MBSS:laugh:

 

Why are you so angry at the BS? It seems like you got your man so whats the problem? Don't you think it's human for the BW to have negative feelings about the OW? Why are you so sensitive? Do you have a heart at all? These women have been hurt by their husbands and women like you. You of all people should be sympathetic, you may find yourself there soon. Oh, I remember you have no choice, it's not your fault.

[Can'tGiveUp]

I have been reading the threads here for awhile and I have opted not to put my story out there for people to abuse me based on an unfortunate situation I find myself in.

 

It seems that many who see the title of this forum:

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 

read that to mean that they can come and tell us we are bad people out to ruin marriages and families. Funny how some who have never been in the situation, know exactly what we should be doing.

 

What I have discovered from reading is that most OW are women who love a man, feel deeply about him and how the situation is affecting his wife and family, and we all seem to wish it were different, and very few set out to capture a married man.

 

In the case of many, these are men who are struggling with their obligations to W and family that are totally contrary to what is in their hearts. We OW are trying to support them in their decisions. Sometimes that means NC, but that is not always the answer, though it seems to be the only one people offer.

 

There seems to be little or no support for those of us who are staying with these men. No recognition that each situation is different. No belief that the man is not a 'cake-eater'. We are apparently these bad people who deliberately seek out a lying cheating jerk who should stay with his wife no matter what.

 

Not always the case.

[Adunaphel]

i really want to know...Why does coming here feel like more of a bashing session on the OW/OM then support?

 

I don't know - I got some very kind words of support, even from some BS.

I guess I was just lucky.

 

Just ignore "pointless bashing". It's useless, if not damageful.

Some of the best advice can be sometimes confused with bashing, though.

[whichwayisup]

I know am I harsh sometimes but I know I've helped many.

 

Honestly, I don't think I bash OW, though afew in the past have caused flaming wars and have been rude, disrespectful to many (not just BS's, but to OW and everybody) people who have tried to help.

 

Take the good and helpful advice in and just ignore the ones that try to get under your skin.

[lover's rock]

As similar as each case seems, it is true that every case has a detail or two that differs.

 

The bashing comes in because no one knows the whole truth but the MM. I personally think we should stop bashing each other and close up this open ended triangle. We, ladies, should get together and find out the whole truth by talking to each other, wives and other women alike, instead of allowing decisions to be made for us.

 

There seems to be little or no support for those of us who are staying with these men.

 

There isn't that much support for those types of situations because despite the overwhelming number of affairs, many people still believe in the sanctity of marriage. Staying with a married man who isn't married to you completely contradicts the vows you hope to one day uphold with this same man. Not much support because although many believe in marriage, many don't respect the marriage that is interrupting their own consistent happiness. But marriage is marriage and no matter how many details you know, you can never understand a relationship between two people (MM and OW or MM and W) unless you have been there for every single second.

 

Wives will probably never understand completely why a woman would want to hang on to a married man. As much as I've read on these forums, I can't quite understand myself...but I try for the sake of my own sanity and compassion.

 

OW will probably never understand why a wife will stay with a wayward man. Or even take him back after his wayward deeds. Some here try for understanding as well whether out of curiousity or frustration or just for their own compassionate purposes.

 

Everyone is hurting here and trying to understand the mysteries of this relationship realm. Some are angry and choose to release it here in fiery flames. Although it looks like bashing, try to reach the compassion and understand that every woman in this situation is angry. W and OW alike. The key is compassion and the ability to allow for the mistakes of humanity.

[stillhere]

If a post is outrageous and of no help at all, hit the "alert us" button. I've done it a few times in the infedility section and the posts were removed.

 

Everyone has a right to their opinion, i don't agree with some things, and i'm sure many don't agree with me all the time.

 

There are many people who can be helpful, BS, OW, or an outsider who hasn't been in either position. There were many OW's and exOW's who used to post here, and they gave amazing advice. They either left for their own reasons, got fed up, or got kicked off. I miss those girls, and i tend to keep my mouth shut on many subjects because some posters are just looking to start a fight.

 

If i can't say anything nice, i try not to say anything at all.

[whichwayisup]

We, ladies, should get together and find out the whole truth by talking to each other, wives and other women alike, instead of allowing decisions to be made for us.

 

This isn't a bash, so please don't take this personally and it's not directed at anybody inparticular, but how you can all of sudden want 'wives' and 'ow' to be women alike, when first off the OW made the choice to BE with a MM. See, in all reality the MM and the OW make the choice to be together. I don't see where the wife fits in all this........

[LaughMachine]

Well what I've come to notice when giving advice, is that it's always given sometimes subcounsily, or out of experience ( duh ). I believe alot of the animosity held towards OW/OM is because of them being on the oppisite end of this scenario. Also from what I've notice within my self when giving advice, even when not having gone through it. People jump at what they think is bad because It's unknowingly hurting the real woman behind this which is the wife. So when you post something about being the OW. Wifes on loveshack.org jump in . People just want to scold you of your hurt, and belittle it because they think you should have known right from wrong. But I guess we never understand till we get there. And as reading posts from OW...I always watch what I think and say because I could be the OW one day.

[Can'tGiveUp]

If I want to know why a W would stay with a WS then I go to

 

Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

 

and read the posts there.

 

It's unknowingly hurting the real woman behind this which is the wife.

 

I'm not a real woman? The W hasn't hurt MM? Hasn't hurt her children? Hasn't hurt me? This is the part of not knowing the individual situations.

 

To the original question: it feels like bashing more than support because quite often it is...and you have to dig through the replies to find the ones that are helpful and not just telling you that you are doing the wrong thing in your life - like you didn't already know that.

[yousaveme]

I have been reading the threads here for awhile and I have opted not to put my story out there for people to abuse me based on an unfortunate situation I find myself in.

 

It seems that many who see the title of this forum:

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 

read that to mean that they can come and tell us we are bad people out to ruin marriages and families. Funny how some who have never been in the situation, know exactly what we should be doing.

 

What I have discovered from reading is that most OW are women who love a man, feel deeply about him and how the situation is affecting his wife and family, and we all seem to wish it were different, and very few set out to capture a married man.

 

In the case of many, these are men who are struggling with their obligations to W and family that are totally contrary to what is in their hearts. We OW are trying to support them in their decisions. Sometimes that means NC, but that is not always the answer, though it seems to be the only one people offer.

 

There seems to be little or no support for those of us who are staying with these men. No recognition that each situation is different. No belief that the man is not a 'cake-eater'. We are apparently these bad people who deliberately seek out a lying cheating jerk who should stay with his wife no matter what.

 

Not always the case.

 

this is very true.

[lover's rock]

To the original question: it feels like bashing more than support because quite often it is...and you have to dig through the replies to find the ones that are helpful and not just telling you that you are doing the wrong thing in your life - like you didn't already know that.

 

 

 

Just to play devil's advocate...if you already know that you're doing the wrong thing in your life than why post things such as "what do I do?" and then again...why continue to do that wrong thing? Shouldn't answers to your situations be obvious?

[yousaveme]

i use to post an update to my orginal thread. I stopped for a few reasons.

 

I felt like since i wasnt taking the road of no contact i was been bashed for continuing the relationship. At times i felt like i was this horrible person. I came to the site by accident and was looking for support during a rough time.

I since found a friend and she has been there and helped me out in many situtations which have arised. Ive rambled and she listened and gave me her advice. And i hope i have been there for her also.

 

Since then my relationship has continued with my MM and we are trying to make a future one day. Which my hope will be sooner then later.

 

Being with a MM has many highs and lows. We who are in these relationships need to vent , and bounce what is in our heads to others so we dont go insane.

[Can'tGiveUp]

Just to play devil's advocate...if you already know that you're doing the wrong thing in your life than why post things such as "what do I do?" and then again...why continue to do that wrong thing? Shouldn't answers to your situations be obvious?

 

 

Perhaps you haven't read enough of the posts to realize that most OWs are well aware that an A is a sh*tty place to be. And there are extenuating circumstances in everyone's story and reasons we are still with MM. Almost all have tried to end it at one point in time or another because of the same mores and values that most say we don't have. I came looking here for "support and discussion" (as the forum title states) from people in a similar situation.