Quick Question to everyone

[SixthSt.Girl]

I think this place is a whole lot better than a relationships board that I posted my situation on. I was told everything from, "Shame on him for wanting to destroy his marriage, and shame on you for wanting to be a homewrecker!" to, "I don't think he's interested in you at all, or at least, he would never love you." No one answered my questions - they just took it as an opportunity to preach about morality, even though I specifically asked from the start that I didn't want that.

 

This board is comparably mild. I luckily didn't have any "guests" responding to my threads. I would've given em a piece of my mind had they, though.

[Guest]

I think this place is a whole lot better than a relationships board that I posted my situation on. I was told everything from, "Shame on him for wanting to destroy his marriage, and shame on you for wanting to be a homewrecker!" to, "I don't think he's interested in you at all, or at least, he would never love you." No one answered my questions - they just took it as an opportunity to preach about morality, even though I specifically asked from the start that I didn't want that.

 

This board is comparably mild. I luckily didn't have any "guests" responding to my threads. I would've given em a piece of my mind had they, though.

 

Go ahead, give the guest a piece of your mind. What you don't understand is that we are looking for answers too, and we never get resonable ones. So, I would be interested to hear why you think it's OK to have sex with a married man when you aren't his wife. Please share.

 

Oh, and don't try "it's your husband's fault". I do blame him the most, but the OW shares the blame. OW are not victims, they are responsible for their own actions.

 

Answer my question and I will be happy to answer yours.

[ataloss]

I'd like to offer a couple of POV......

 

 

You wake 20 minutes late in the morning, your 6 year old can't find his shoes and you have to be at work in 15 minutes and you have a 30 minute drive. I think probably most of us can relate to that scenario and I also think most of us will admit that we rush and speed to try to get there on time. We got lucky, we didn't get a speeding ticket, but still late for work. Society believes it's morally wrong to speed because you endanger yourselves and those you and the law says it wrong to speed, but you still did it, why? Did you do it because you wanted to hurt someone? Did that possibility really even cross your mind? Did you do it because you feared any of a number of possibillities that could occur for being late to a job, like being fired. Oh no, you could lose everything you've worked for. So was this just what you had to do for self preservation? So if you take out all of the if's, and's and but's, it boils down to you knowingly broke the law and endangered other peoples lives just to save your own. Sounds kinda harsh doesn't it? Wasn't at all what your intentions were, was it? The point here is, there are no clear cut, black and white answers.

 

A man is working, makes good money, isn't married, isn't in financial trouble, doesn't owe friends money, has a nice home and car. He likes to gamble, no problem right? He's not hurting anyone, blowing money but not hurting anyone, makes him happy. Do you think he or anyone else ever even considered the idea that maybe he had a gambling problem? No, I'd say not because a problem generally causes pain in some way alerting us to the problem. Now one day, nothings changed for the man and he's at work and he left his partner to go place a bet. This is not uncommon, it's happend many times over the years. Nobody gives it a second thought. But all of the sudden the man's partner is dead, murdered. Now the man and all involved can look back and see the problem but it's to late. Point here, well sometimes you get involved in things that seem completely harmless until someone gets hurt.

 

 

One more. Think back to your high school days, a young man and a young lady seem madly in love. They make love, the relationship ends a few months later. The young man sleeps with another young lady. As it turns out the first young lady is now pregnant. Now think really hard, did you ever hear anyone (excluding her parents) he's ruining her life, he's a whore, he should have had more respect for himself. He should have waiting until he was married? You probably didn't hear those things about him, but you probably did about her. Why do you suppose that is? History has taught us that society has different moral values for each of the sexes. Is it right or is it wrong? Again, take out the if's, and's and but's, the he and the she and premarital sex is wrong. How many of us do it and why? Because it's fulfilling a need that we have at that moment in time.

[NoIDidn't]

Because it's fulfilling a need that we have at that moment in time.

 

Many of us confuse needs with wants. And that is the problem with both the MM and the OW or MW and OM in my opinion. You want that person and will be da*mned if anyone and anything gets in the way of what you *want*. Needs are pretty simple. If you don't get what you need, you risk physical death - starvation, exposure, dehydration. These are the kinds of things that lead to not getting your needs met.

 

I don't think that most of the scenarios provided take into account the promises made by the couple in the M. A young guy gets a girl pregnant, yeah he doesn't get blamed but mostly for this reason.....unless it was her intention to get pregnant, SHE should have made sure that something was done to prevent it. I don't believe that women are 100% responsible for contraception, but if you know you don't want a baby you tell him NO unless its with protection. He refuses, then the NO stands.

 

But I am pretty simple like that. This isn't an attack on you, just wanted to respond to some of what you are saying.

 

I completely blame the MM/MW for the destruction their actions cause, but I do not hold the OM/OW guiltless. They hold just as much blame because of their willingness to date a MP. For those that didn't know, but found out that the person was M, but still stayed because of feelings invested, I say the same. Once you find out and don't cut it off, you are a volunteer. Not a victim. And I can say that from experience, not from a soapbox. I have had my heart broken a time or two by quite a few SGs, and stbMM. We do tend to hang in there when we have invested so much of ourselves, but what we don't realize or want to acknowledge is that guys aren't going to do the honorable thing for us or anyone else involved. Its all about them. So while OW did volunteer, she wasn't volunteering for the hurt that she WILL get later.

[ataloss]

Many of us confuse needs with wants. And that is the problem with both the MM and the OW or MW and OM in my opinion. You want that person and will be da*mned if anyone and anything gets in the way of what you *want*. Needs are pretty simple. If you don't get what you need' date=' you risk physical death - starvation, exposure, dehydration. These are the kinds of things that lead to not getting your needs met.[/quote']

 

So are you trying to say that emotions are not needs?? I think many who are in unhappy marriages would disagree.

 

 

I don't think that most of the scenarios provided take into account the promises made by the couple in the M. A young guy gets a girl pregnant' date=' yeah he doesn't get blamed but mostly for this reason.....unless it was her intention to get pregnant, SHE should have made sure that something was done to prevent it. I don't believe that women are 100% responsible for contraception, but if you know you don't want a baby you tell him NO unless its with protection. He refuses, then the NO stands. [/quote']

 

You are in fact saying, ultimately it's "HER" responsibility. What about the heat of the moment? Maybe contraception was used, as we all know, contraception is not 100%.

 

I completely blame the MM/MW for the destruction their actions cause, but I do not hold the OM/OW guiltless. They hold just as much blame because of their willingness to date a MP. For those that didn't know, but found out that the person was M, but still stayed because of feelings invested, I say the same. Once you find out and don't cut it off, you are a volunteer. Not a victim. And I can say that from experience, not from a soapbox. I have had my heart broken a time or two by quite a few SGs, and stbMM. We do tend to hang in there when we have invested so much of ourselves, but what we don't realize or want to acknowledge is that guys aren't going to do the honorable thing for us or anyone else involved. Its all about them. So while OW did volunteer, she wasn't volunteering for the hurt that she WILL get later.

 

Well that's my point, blame doesn't solve anything. Things happen in life, that is life.

[NoIDidn't]

Well that's my point, blame doesn't solve anything. Things happen in life, that is life.

 

A lot of things happen in life, some just don't have to. I could have avoided a lot of hearache, had I listened to my many wise counsellors. While I can't blame the guys for hurting me, I can blame (and forgive) myself for putting myself in that position.

 

As it turns out the first young lady is now pregnant. Now think really hard, did you ever hear anyone (excluding her parents) he's ruining her life, he's a whore, he should have had more respect for himself. He should have waiting until he was married?

 

Truthfully (said in all jest - tongue in cheek), I believe in cases where a pregnancy is a surprise, the person whose life is ruined, hasn't been born yet.

 

So are you trying to say that emotions are not needs?? I think many who are in unhappy marriages would disagree.

 

Emotional needs are real, but making excuses as to why a person had to get them met elsewhere is just that. Another excuse. People in unhappy marriages let the marriage get that way. Its their job to fix. If they don't want to fix it, then they should dissolve it. Why make things so complicated?

[ataloss]

Emotional needs are real' date=' but making excuses as to why a person had to get them met elsewhere is just that. Another excuse. People in unhappy marriages let the marriage get that way. Its their job to fix. If they don't want to fix it, then they should dissolve it. Why make things so complicated?[/quote']

 

 

How many people do you suppose set down and said to themselves, I'm not getting my EN's met at home so I think I'll go out and have an affair?

[NoIDidn't]

How many people do you suppose set down and said to themselves, I'm not getting my EN's met at home so I think I'll go out and have an affair?

 

Quite a few, actually. Was that supposed to be a rhetorical question? Most MP in As give themselves permission by thinking about it first. Thinking about it isn't the same as doing it, though. I have thought about it a time or two myself. But I can only think of justifications, not concrete reasons why it would be in my best interest to do so. And they all blame my H. None of them take into account my failings, only his. So ENs or not. Either fix the M or leave the M, not so complicated.

 

We could go back and forth with this until the cows come home, but its not going to change the fact that we do not agreee. So far, respectfully. Lack of getting your ENs met in a R, means their is a lack of communication or its time to pull up stakes. And communication is not the simple act of SAYING something. It involves speaking AND hearing. Until that happens, its not communication. In most M where one person is not getting their ENs met, the other isn't either. It rarely ever happens that one person is completely happy and the other completely miserable.