Hurting

[Bewildered]

I'm in my 40's. Divorced after one marriage that lasted 27 years. He is in his 40's two previous marriages. I love him. He says he loves me. We plan on being married, and are going to live together soon. But there are problems. And we just seem to hash them out over and over again. With no resolution. We are both very sensitive. And both get hurt easily. When ever we have these "issue" conversations, our feelings get hurt, we both take remarks as personal attacks, both get defensive, it's not good. But we can't stand not being together. I just don't know what to do. I love him, he loves me. Why does it still have to be so hard? We are both afraid of being hurt, of making a mistake. So we talk over everything. But we need to learn how to do this without hurting each others feelings. I know this shounds petty. But it really isn't. I'd go to a counselor, but I can't afford it, and my insurance doesn't cover it. Any suggestions?

[Tony T]

It takes a lot more than love to keep a relationship going. Effective communication is the key. If you can't talk to each other about critical issues affecting your partnership without one or both of you going bonkers with hurt feelings, then you're in for a lot of trouble in the future.

 

If you can't afford counselling, get some good books on personal communications and learn the skills you need to address sensitive areas of your relationship without getting upset. Remember, each of us makes the decision on whether or not we want our feelings to hurt. It isn't an automatic thing. I think you ought to resolve to just listen and not make judgements about what is said...and, for your own sake be kind to yourself and don't decide to have hurt feelings.

 

Effective conflict resolution is essential for a relationship to thrive and grow. If you're wallowing in hurt all the time, there is simply no way the two of you can get on with life together.

 

Use the Internet to find a book by Dr. Albert Ellis entitled "How to Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything." It's about 15 years old but you can buy it used...maybe it's still being published. It's great. Read it, use it and never upset yourself again about anything. Life is just way too short...you knew that!

 

Good luck.

[Tony T]

The title of the book is "How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Get Upset About Anything."

 

You can find it and order it, as well as other great titles by Dr. Ellis, at the following link: http://www.nacbt.org/nacbtbookstore1.htm

 

Use the google (www.google.com) search engine and enter "books by Albert Ellis" without the quotes in the search field. You can read a lot of his stuff for free at the dozens of websites devoted to his work.

 

Ellis came to the conclusion a long time ago that about the craziest thing human beings do is go out of their way to make themselves feel bad. What a trip!

[quankanne]

you might also try looking up a church counselor (i.e. minister or priest) -- these folks also are trained in the dynamics of relationships, and can offer some additional input from a spiritual point of view.

[Ed]

Your post tells me that both of you have some work to do before you are ready for another marriage. You mentioned many things that need to be addressed. There is no quick, easy fix. It's going to take time and practice to get yourself on the firm ground needed to help sustain a successful marriage.

 

I do recommend counseling. Here are some things to check out. There are some good counselors that will charge you based on a sliding fee scale, which means they charge you based on your income. You could also participate in group therapy which may cost less per session, but you won't get individual attention. In your situation, I think it's worth looking into.

 

If you aren't willing to fork out the money to talk to someone with training that may be able to help you, then I guess you could try more self-help. It hasn't worked for you up to now, but you haven't mentioned whether you have tried reading books about these issues. Go to a bookstore or library and look for self-help books. There are also numerous Internet resources you could investigate using a search engine.

 

In addition to that, there are many pastors, preachers, parsons, ministers and priests that you could talk to for no charge at all, however, many of them may not be qualified to help you with the issues you describe. Most will refer you to someone else if things get too complicated for them.

 

In order to have a stable relationship with this man or any other man, you need to work through these things you mentioned in your post. If you can't get there using the cheap methods, I guess you'll have to decide whether to live with your problems and with your money or live without your problems and without your money.