Affair question

[catgirl1927]

For all you men feel adultery is justified if you aren't getting sex from your wife:

 

What if your wife were in an accident and paralyzed from the neck down, and had no sensation and therefore could not enjoy sex? Would you feel justified in pursuing outside relationships?

 

What if she wanted to still have sex with you, for your satisfaction, would you be disgusted? Several of you have said you don't want to "force" her to have sex if she doesn't want to. Well, if she had no sensation she wouldn't really be enjoying it, so...

 

Would you tell her you were having affairs or would you still sneak around and lie?

 

This is of course assuming you wouldn't just leave her.

[Scrivdog]

In that situation - I don't know. I'd like to say I wouldn't cheat. But then again maybe I'd feel differently if faced with that situation.

 

Like another poster mentioned, it's the fact that she can and she won't that's infuriating. In that case, she has made a choice and so as a result I feel justified.

 

A crippled, paraplegic wife has no choice and so if I did weaken and cheat, I wouldn't feel justified. I'd probably feel extremely guilty.

[StayClose]

I have a feeling you're changing the subject. What you've described is a very different situation from a spouse who is physically capable of enjoying sex, but doesn't and won't do anything to correct the situation in complete disreagard of his/her spouse's feelings.

[catgirl1927]

I don't mean to change the subject. I'm just interested in how cheating spouses think. So often on this site people feel that cheating really isn't wrong if they can come up with an excuse for it. I'm wondering how they would justify it in this hypothetical situation.

[burning 4 revenge]

This is no different than if the man is impotent. And in these situations I think it is highly individualized.

 

Consensual extra-marital sex would be the best solution for some, but I'm sure divorce would be the best solution for most. No-one who respects their spouse should cheat. And respect means more than love in my book.

[Scrivdog]

What I'm interested in is how do women justify getting angry when they find their husbands cheat after deliberately not having sex with them for extended periods of time ..

[catgirl1927]

Well, I would think that what would make them angry is the fact that a cheater is lying, sneaking around and humiliating them behind their back, laughing at them for thinking they are loved or respected.

 

However, if you refuse to have sex with your husband, and for some reason the two of you don't want to divorce, then you need to open your marriage.

 

What is so wrong about cheating is that it is so dishonest. If you tell her, I need sex and if you don't give it to me I'm going to go outside our marriage, and then you do that without lying or sneaking around, well then, what can she say?

 

What's hilarious is how men will say "I need that connection with my wife, it's how I know she loves me. But she won't give it to me, so I'm doing a college girl. You know, for emotional fullfillment."

[JamesM]

Like another poster mentioned, it's the fact that she can and she won't that's infuriating.

 

THAT is the reason that makes cheating a consideration. If the wife is cheating her man out of something that is and can only be a part of marriage...without trying to discover why she doesn't want it, then IMHO, she has no right to make him to be the big cheater when after years of frustration he "falls in love" with a woman who makes him feel like a man. However, if she does not know his feelings, she may think he is happy with how things are...then he is dishonest because he has not used every possible resource to "fix" his marriage.

 

Wanting sex for a connection is different than using the lack of sex for justifying physical one night stands. In these situations, many men do not want to work at making their wives interested....they want her to be the sex slave.

 

If my wife were paralyzed, I do not know how I would react. And yes, I have asked myself that often. It would not be easy, but it would be more understandable as to why she could not have sex.

 

What I don't get is that men who want sex are just wanting sex, but women who want sex "need" the sex for connection and feel rejected without it. Men in a different way need more than just a physical release. Stoopid Guy mentioned on another thread that if a wife at least gave a physical release to her husband, he would not feel frustrated. Having been there, this works occasionally, but even this does nothing for making a man feel that he can turn his woman on. This is important.

 

If a wife cannot be turned on due to physical reasons, then this is understandable. If she cannot due to emotional reasons, this is much harder to take. At the back of the mind is the idea that if another man tried...he could...it is me, not her.

 

Sorry to say....men do need sex to feel connected to their wife, just like women need conversation and attention to feel connected to the husband.

[catgirl1927]

Sorry to say....men do need sex to feel connected to their wife, just like women need conversation and attention to feel connected to the husband.

 

Don't be sorry to say that. Some women need more than conversation to feel connected, sex is an important part of any romantic adult relationship. I personally couldn't see putting up with living with someone else if I weren't getting my chassis lubed regularly.

 

But the thing is, if a man says he needs sex because it's an expression of love between him and his wife, and when he doesn't get it he goes out and nails anything that will sit still, then I find it hard to believe it's really the emotional connection he's after.

 

AND, if a woman is cheating him out of a normal healthy relationship, then I think the best thing to do is end the marriage, but if finances or whatever make that impossible (women need to have a career, this powerlessness infuriates me, it is SO naive and stupid to count on someone else to take care of you) and she still refuses to engage in a normal, healthy adult relationship with her husband, then he shouldn't have to hide going out with other women. He shouldn't have to "cheat," see what I mean?

 

But what I'm really asking is, do you guys really think that if your wife were paralyzed you'd be justified in having sex with other women?

[Tulie]

What it still comes down to in the end is cheating is indeed cheating. I am not saying that people should never go outside thier marriage for sex in any situation. On the contrary. I honestly do believe that in many situations this is the exact answer. The only part of it that disgusts me in any way is the *cheating* part. It is the lack of information given to the other person.

 

If a partner is physically disabled and unable to participate in sex with a partner with high needs, there is going to be a conversation. I doubt there would be any way to avoid it.

 

To me the same should lie true if one partner finds themselves totally uninterested in sex. Although I do think every effort should be made to reignite those feelings..in the end..if they arent there I think that the person, be it man or woman that feels the need to seek release elsewhere, owes it to the person they took vows with to tell them exactly that.

 

I have a semi open relationship with my husband. Certain things are allowed under pretty specific circumstances and with very specific people. Do I think there is more going on then I am informed of? No. Do I do more then I inform him of? No. If I caught him being with a woman when I had no knowledge of would I consider that cheating? Absolutely and my solution would be quick and simple, I would leave him and never look back. I would expect the same from him. Just because we both participate in extra marital activity does not mean we love each other less..the fact is I truly believe we love each other more then most people. We have an extremely honest, frank and loving relationship. Unlike people that have sex with other people behind each others back, I can say in all honesty..we never cheat. Cheating is cowardly and disgusting. Before anyone asks, no..we would never ever do anything with anyone who was married behind thier spouses back. That is cheating.

[sumdude]

But what I'm really asking is, do you guys really think that if your wife were paralyzed you'd be justified in having sex with other women?

 

I don't know if there is any way to answer this hypothetical.

 

My first reaction is no, however what if my wife felt that I could/should seek out that fulfillment?

 

So my answer is I have no effin idea.

[stoopid_guy]

But the thing is, if a man says he needs sex because it's an expression of love between him and his wife, and when he doesn't get it he goes out and nails anything that will sit still, then I find it hard to believe it's really the emotional connection he's after.

Why are you assuming he's out to nail anything that sits still? Have you considered that just maybe he has an affair with someone he cares about? Someone he has an emotional connection with?

AND, if a woman is cheating him out of a normal healthy relationship, then I think the best thing to do is end the marriage, but if finances or whatever make that impossible (women need to have a career, this powerlessness infuriates me, it is SO naive and stupid to count on someone else to take care of you) and she still refuses to engage in a normal, healthy adult relationship with her husband, then he shouldn't have to hide going out with other women. He shouldn't have to "cheat," see what I mean?

Sure, he should do it right under her nose and give her plenty of evidence for divorce court.

But what I'm really asking is, do you guys really think that if your wife were paralyzed you'd be justified in having sex with other women?

No.

[catgirl1927]

It seems really dumb to become emotionally involved with a woman while you are married. Dumb and complicated. Why not just divorce so you can be happy?

 

If the only reason you're with your wife is because you don't want her to take anything from you in divorce court, 1)You'd be happier without her anyway, money isn't everything and 2)Wow, what a messed up idea about marriage you have.

[Tulie]

Stoopid guy, I swear to God, if I had any idea of who you and your wife were I would so let her know about you. Your wife may indeed have some pretty serious issues but you are just about the biggest jerk I have ever had the displeasure of attempting to communicate with.

 

All you care about is your wallet and your penis. All you want is for people to line up and approve of you having an affair, you sicken me.

[Marquis-de-Carabas]

For all you men feel adultery is justified if you aren't getting sex from your wife:

 

What if your wife were in an accident and paralyzed from the neck down, and had no sensation and therefore could not enjoy sex? Would you feel justified in pursuing outside relationships?

 

This is of course assuming you wouldn't just leave her.

 

Ok, how about if my husband became paralyzed. Would I force him to have sex? No, but I would be having lots of discussions with doctors and other paralyzed persons on how to keep good sex in our relationship. If I were the one paralyzed, I'd still do the same thing. Sex is important in our relationship. It is our personal connection to each other and to no one else.

 

The problem is that if a man is not getting sex at home and cheats, he'll always be seen as a selfish, perverted SOB for having an affair. It don't matter that the wife won't touch him. It won't matter that she treats him worse than she treats the family dog. He'll still be seen as a monster. Publicly the woman will denounce him, and force him to give 1/2 of everything he owns. The man is still being punished for wanting to have a sexual connection to his wife.

 

I'm with James M on this one: The person witholding the sex is the first person in the marriage to break their vows. They vowed to love their mate through anything. Vowing to love the other person includes meeting their emotional and sexual needs. Problem is, there is no outward sign to the public that she/he has broken that vow. The act of commiting adultery is an outward sign though.

[Mz. Pixie]

But the thing is, if a man says he needs sex because it's an expression of love between him and his wife, and when he doesn't get it he goes out and nails anything that will sit still, then I find it hard to believe it's really the emotional connection he's after.

 

AND, if a woman is cheating him out of a normal healthy relationship, then I think the best thing to do is end the marriage, but if finances or whatever make that impossible (women need to have a career, this powerlessness infuriates me, it is SO naive and stupid to count on someone else to take care of you) and she still refuses to engage in a normal, healthy adult relationship with her husband, then he shouldn't have to hide going out with other women. He shouldn't have to "cheat," see what I mean?

 

 

I see what you're saying. And it would be wonderful if things worked this way. Most of the time though, the other spouse is going to say "Oh hell no" though. ALot of times it's "You're not getting what you want well tough".

 

They think that person doesn't have any other options. Or that they are stuck or just won't do it.

 

Here's another twist on this subject-

 

If I were paralyzed and unable to have sex then I'd hope I'd love my husband enough to tell him to go and get release sexually with someone else. The only problem with that is alot of times people have affairs thinking it will only be about sex- and then emotions get involved because that person was starving to begin with. It's easy to think you love someone when they are meeting your most important emotional need that hasn't been met in a long time. Then, I'd be vulnerable to him leaving me and me being unable to take care of myself. So, you're back at square one.

 

You know, this probably happens alot actually though IRL.

[catgirl1927]

I'm with James M on this one: The person witholding the sex is the first person in the marriage to break their vows. They vowed to love their mate through anything. Vowing to love the other person includes meeting their emotional and sexual needs. Problem is, there is no outward sign to the public that she/he has broken that vow. The act of commiting adultery is an outward sign though.

 

That's a really good point. It's easy for one person to withhold sex (not always women) and have no one know.

 

It's true that if one person withholds sex they're not as publicly liable as the person who seeks outside comfort. That's part of the reason I condone divorce in those situations, because the marriage vows have been broken. And while I can say they should be honest and open about cheating, well, their spouse can say, cheat and I will take you to the cleaners. But see, to my thinking, that's ABUSE. Holding your spouse hostage with sex is very much like locking him or her in the closet until he or she agrees with you. It's not right, and should be grounds to end the marriage.

 

There aren't easy answers to those questions. But you have to admit, there are some on here, like stoopidguy, who are just jerks who cheat because it makes them feel powerful.

 

If I were paralyzed, I would divorce. No one should be saddled with that responsibility. I wouldn't ask that of someone, and I certainly don't need the daily reminder that I'm a disgusting freak that really should have died that would come from being with someone who is getting sex elsewhere.

[Guest]

I'm sorry if you've had a horrific relationship, but wrong is wrong. The proper sequence of events is:

 

 

1. A bad irreconcilable marriage.

 

2. DIVORCE

 

3. New relationship.

 

 

By having an affair, you sully yourself and ruin your credibility, regardless of what the other did. EVERYONE who has an affair blames their partner for it. It's par for the course. If you've gone without sex for X years, can't you go for one more while you divorce? Hell, you can at least wait until you're seperated and not hide the fact. Most people see that as at least acceptable, if not honorable. If you have an affair while married and hide it, you're taking the easy way out, and cowardice is like high interest credit. You'll pay a hell of a lot more in the end for it than you'll want to!

[crazy_grl]

The problem is that if a man is not getting sex at home and cheats, he'll always be seen as a selfish, perverted SOB for having an affair. It don't matter that the wife won't touch him. It won't matter that she treats him worse than she treats the family dog. He'll still be seen as a monster. Publicly the woman will denounce him, and force him to give 1/2 of everything he owns. The man is still being punished for wanting to have a sexual connection to his wife.

 

I'm with James M on this one: The person witholding the sex is the first person in the marriage to break their vows. They vowed to love their mate through anything. Vowing to love the other person includes meeting their emotional and sexual needs. Problem is, there is no outward sign to the public that she/he has broken that vow. The act of commiting adultery is an outward sign though.

 

Seems to me that an easy way to avoid being seen a "the monster" would be just to get a divorce instead of cheating. People on the outside are more likely to believe a person who says they weren't getting their needs met when they haven't been committing adultery, and they're much less likely to get screwed over in the divorce.

 

Even if you view the spouse who's not interested in sex as having broke their vows, that still doesn't justify cheating in my book. Two wrongs don't make a right.

[Scrivdog]

Seems to me that an easy way to avoid being seen a "the monster" would be just to get a divorce instead of cheating. People on the outside are more likely to believe a person who says they weren't getting their needs met when they haven't been committing adultery, and they're much less likely to get screwed over in the divorce.

 

Even if you view the spouse who's not interested in sex as having broke their vows, that still doesn't justify cheating in my book. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

The "easy way"?. You make divorce sound so simple whereas it just isn't. Even if finances is not the issue, if you have kids, then you have to figure in how that's going to affect them. If this were an unmarried, childless couple, then there is no reason to stay and in that case, I agree that cheating is stupid. May as well just leave.

 

Also, the issue is not about "making wrongs". An affair, in spite of what the betrayed spouse might think, is not something that was specifically done to them.

[Guest]

The person witholding the sex is the first person in the marriage to break their vows

 

 

Total BS, and you get your info from where? Who is to say the person with holding, is reacting to the spouse who withheld other things fist such as emotional connections, communication, helping out, etc etc. Its always easy to assume the person withholding the "sex" is the person who destroyed the marraige to begin with correct? And while I don't agree with with holding sex, I also don't agree with with holding anything for that matter. So many people think that a spouse is frigid and just don't want sex, when have they stopped to look at the whole picture? Do they not think its possible they might have a hand in why things are they way they are? Now back to the orginal topic.

 

 

If something happened to my spouse and they were paralyzed, or something was medcially wrong and couldn't have sex, thats a situation I'm not sure about simply becasue I haven't been faced with that. It would be a tough call.

[catgirl1927]

Also, the issue is not about "making wrongs". An affair, in spite of what the betrayed spouse might think, is not something that was specifically done to them.

 

That is a ridiculous lie. It's so absurd as to defy explanation. But I guess you have to tell yourself that to get through the night. Good god.

 

An affair is something you to do your spouse AND your children. You have betrayed your entire family, and knowingly chosen your affair partner over all of them.

 

No, divorce isn't simple. But if you decide to have an affair, that is the choice you have made. And if you're the kind of man who screws around on his wife, you really shouldn't be around children anyway. That's really not the example that should be set for them.

[Pink_Tulip]

If I were paralyzed, I would divorce. No one should be saddled with that responsibility. I wouldn't ask that of someone, and I certainly don't need the daily reminder that I'm a disgusting freak that really should have died that would come from being with someone who is getting sex elsewhere.

 

My husband and I have a friend who fell down some stairs in his late teens- 19 I think. He is paralyzed from about just below his nipples down. He went to school, got a degree in computer programming, makes a ton of money. Owns his own home, lives independently, etc. etc. He is very happy and has a very active social life.

 

If, when you were talking about being paralyzed, you were thinking along the lines of Christopher Reeve, we can certainly discuss that scenario, and I'd probably agree with you. I don't think anyone would want to live like that. But most people who are paralyzed do pretty well, are able to live relatively normal lives, and have worked the sex stuff out. There are other body parts, not affect by being paralyzed from the waist down, that have their uses...

 

As for you comment about men 'needing the emotional connection, but nailing anything,' I think you are oversimplifying. I think men do need that connection, and WANT it to be with their wife. But if it is not met, the need is still there. For the most part, people don't make a decision to cheat. They are feeling neglected, disrespected, angry, alone, lonely, resentful of their SO, then someone comes along and makes you feel good. Starving people can always justify stealing food, right or wrong.

 

I am a female, but given your original question, I'd like to think I would stay with my H if that happened and we'd work out what we could. If I were the one paralyzed, I'd be very hesitant to open the marriage. As someone else said, it may start as sex, but emotions would soon follow, and the situation would go downhill quickly. I would hope we could work out a compromise within our marriage that kept us both happy. But that is one of those things, like so many in life, that is so easy to think you'd do something or feel a certain way, until you get there and realize you had no clue how you'd really feel, or what it would really be like.

[Pink_Tulip]

No, divorce isn't simple. But if you decide to have an affair, that is the choice you have made. And if you're the kind of man who screws around on his wife, you really shouldn't be around children anyway. That's really not the example that should be set for them.

 

And if you are the type of wife who doesn't have sex with your husband b/c you don't feel like it anymore? Should the children be taken away from their mothers for that? Not trying to be antagonistic, but there really is no black and white. And children need both parents, even if one screws up.

[Scrivdog]

That is a ridiculous lie. It's so absurd as to defy explanation. But I guess you have to tell yourself that to get through the night. Good god.

 

An affair is something you to do your spouse AND your children. You have betrayed your entire family, and knowingly chosen your affair partner over all of them.

 

No, divorce isn't simple. But if you decide to have an affair, that is the choice you have made. And if you're the kind of man who screws around on his wife, you really shouldn't be around children anyway. That's really not the example that should be set for them.

 

You're just being a drama queen. You just need to accept the fact that an hubby who isn't getting love and sex and home can and probably will find it elsewhere. The sooner you come to grips with that harsh reality, the wiser you'll be.

 

So take your moral high ground elsewhere, it's looks and sounds just as phony as it really is. You're incredibly deluded if you think a husband has to live in a one bedroom apartment and see his kids every other week just because his wife keeps has a year long bout with headaches from her daily shopping excursions and her shrill whining with her Starbucks club of shrews. You're also in la-la land if you think that most men will accept the sex live of a eunich just because you've decided you don't want to be a lover anymore.

 

You reap what you sow. Moralize all you want but in the end all you'll have is your story to sell to your new found friends at the women's divorce support group before swinging by the pharmacy for a refill of your Zoloft prescription.