freckles3131 Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I was at a wedding with my b.f. and brought up marriage(an innuendo of us getting married...some day...) He said to me, "I'm never gettting married." I said, "Are you serious?" He says, "Yes" I said, "Ok, I guess we need to talk a bit more about this later" Then at the reception he is saying things like "I don't know if I would invite so and so to our wedding if we get married" and...."If we get married my mother won't go if it's in a church(she's ultra religious/we're not) and other types of "if and when conversation" Now I must say, I am in NO rush to get married (9months of a second chance relationship) BUT......things are going so well, I imagined that SOME day we would.... So which is it with him....which should I believe? The "I'm never getting married' or the "innuendos" that "someday it might happen" His reasons were mostly financial and concerns over a high divorce rate. Don't worry, I'm not going to push the issue. At this point, it's too soon to tell 100% with us, but part of me isn't sure if I want to proceed if he is 100% certain he will NEVER want to get married.... I'm from the school of thought that marriage is the ultimate show of love/devotion and would want him to proclaim his love in this way for me (eventually....) Is it just his insecurity at this point or should I really take his "I never want to get married" at face value??(and ignore his occasional "when we get married" banter? Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I've been there. In fact, I still am !!! I am taking a break from the " subject" after getting too annoyed with his back and forth ( "I'm never getting married again" to " if i ever get married again I want it to be in a church). If I we're you, and the subject hasn't been beaten to death, i would bring it up in a casual way at an appropriate time. I agree with you in that if he's sure he's NEVER going to get married, i don't think i could be happy long term. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Have you tried asking him what he really means? Surely, he has to give you a reply when you say, "So now you're saying a church wedding for us might not be appropriate, but yesterday you said you were never getting married, ever. Will the real Joe Smith please stand up?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author freckles3131 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 I think he is doing the "cool" thing when he says it. Like it's "cool" for him and his friends to say "Not me, I'm never going to walk downt he aisle" Plus, he's 30 and I'm 40. He could just not be "there" at this time. He has said he wants a house first etc... I am going to talk to him again, but didn't want to bring it up so soon after our last chat. I'll prob. talk to him this weekend about it. If he is 100% certain he NEVER wants to get married, I guess I will have something to think about......if he NEVER wants to proclaim his love in this way, you know? The big money question: Do I let someone go because he never wants to get married? I'm torn.... It just seems to me to be the "respectful" thing to do/the ultimate show of love..... Guys, any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 If he NEVER wants to get married and marriage is important to you, I don't see how you would be happy with that arrangement. Especially since NEVER often means NEVER until I meet someone that I must have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author freckles3131 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 It is only month 9 of our "second chance' and there are alot of things that happened the first time around (2 yr. break helped) that has both of us a little "scared" in general...so is 9 months long enough to "know" if you want to get married or not. I guess he should know if he EVER wants to get married to anyone though.....so I guess that is redundant.... Crap. Things were going so well, but this is bugging me....I just don't know if I am prepared to end it should the answer be 100% "I never want to get married". I was married once already, so it isn't about the "big, fantasy wedding" it is MORE about wanting to show our love that way and for me to "do it "right" this time. (after years of growth and knowing what I want and being self-aware enough to know I'm with the right person) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Have you tried asking him what he really means? Surely, he has to give you a reply when you say, "So now you're saying a church wedding for us might not be appropriate, but yesterday you said you were never getting married, ever. Will the real Joe Smith please stand up?" As I said here, I think you need to put him on the spot when he contradicts himself and ask him WTF he really means. Link to post Share on other sites
Author freckles3131 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 I'll be doing just that in the next few days. I guess if he says he knows 100% he won't ever get married...then I will have something solid to think about....thx. Nora Link to post Share on other sites
nancyleeh Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Most people know if, at some point in time they see themselves getting married or if the person has decided to never marry. SO you might want to ask in that way rather than ask if he wants to marry in the future. It's a bit more subtle and he may feel less like being put on the spot. nancyleeh Link to post Share on other sites
Author freckles3131 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 That is how I would say it...not as in a "will WE ever get married" I just want to know if he ever sees himself getting married at some point/ever. Link to post Share on other sites
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