Guest Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. We said from the beginning that we both wanted to be married eventually, when it was right, but we weren't in a big hurry and we both wanted to be sure it was right. He's even made a couple comments about not wanting to get too serious in the past. I'm not in a huge hurry, but I will be 32 in a few months and I do want to have kids so time is more of an issue for me. So we have a pretty great relationship. Spend lots of time together, talk a lot, we have very compatible goals/values/interests. We respect each other and treat each other well. We can disagree about things with it becoming personal or attacking each other. I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with the guy, even though I haven't told him that and he hasn't said that to me either. This weekend we were together from early Friday evening until I had to go to work Sunday morning. Saturday we went to a football game and to a home show with his parents. The week before he'd made a comment about feeling like marriage was more of a possibility because everything in his life seems to be falling into place. At the game he told me that someone had referred to me as his wife while I was not there and he didn't correct them. We had a conversation in the car (initiated by him) about how many kids we each wanted to have. He made a comment about something that my family doesn't do and he said "that's because I'm not part of it yet!" Then he kind of chuckled and gave me a hug and said just kidding. When we ran into someone he knew at the home show he just said yeah when they asked if I was his better half. Then he introduced me by name and didn't correct their assumption. He made several more comments throughout the evening about marriage, including one to his dad about everyone thinking that we were married. This is all kind of out of the blue and I'm wondering if he's giving me hints that he's going to ask me... Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 each situation is different, but it does sound like it's heading in that direction. The only reason I'm a bit hesitant is that neither of you have told the other that you love them. Seems like that should come before the marriage proposal! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Yeah I think you're right... In fact I had planned to tell him how I feel about him this weekend. There have been some things in my past that have made me afraid of opening up my heart to him and it's only been in the last couple of months that I've really felt that this might be it for me. He's shown me by his actions that he cares about me, I've just wondered if it was as much for him as for me. The comments this weekend threw me for a loop because I felt like he was jumping ahead. I'll admit I didn't hate it!! Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 I agree with the commenter above me, while I think it sounds like you both are very happy with eachother and may end up getting married, the fact of the matter is neither of you have told eachother you loved eachother yet. Which I do think should come before a purposal Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Well this weekend we did it!! We finally told each other that we loved each other!! I've never felt this way about anyone before and I'm scared in a lot of ways that it's not going to work out and I'm going to get really hurt but that's the risk of loving someone isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Congrats on taking that next step. And you are right, there is always a chance of being hurt, but it's well worth the risk! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Yeah and I definitely think he's worth the risk. I had a dream over the weekend that he dumped me. Which made me unbelievably sad!! I think my fears are really close to the surface right now and I need to talk to him about them. But I'm wondering if I should say something to him about his comments about marriage or just let things go for a little while. I've never been in this position before, never been with anyone that I would even consider marrying before this. So I'm scared that I'm going to screw it all up!! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 So this weekend we had another interesting discussion. I had a jewelry mailer on my bar when my bf was over and he made a comment about the size of the ring on the front cover. I said that it was way too big for me and that I preferred stuff that was more simple and delicate. He thumbed through and found a picture of a pretty little solitaire and asked if that was what I liked. I said that yeah that was more like it. Then he asked if I liked regular or white gold!! I'd say he was fishing to find out what I wanted so he can buy me something special!! Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
amandine Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 He's fishing! Say nothing! Just know that he is thinking about his plan. Your heart's in the right place, you don't want a ceremony, a wedding... you want a marriage. Keep being supportive, being yourself. The best is yet to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 I'm very confused about all this right now. It's a long story but maybe someone will be able to give me some insight. Last week I was feeling great. Assuming that all of his talk meant that we were heading in the direction of marriage and having a life together. He called me last week and told me about some big changes that he wanted to make in his life. They would have a big impact on our relationship. He asked me how I felt about it, what I thought. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it on the phone and could we get together later to discuss it. I was immediately on the defensive because I was afraid that his decision was going to mean the end of us. So we got together and talked about it. I told him I didn't know how to feel about it because I wasn't sure what it meant. I asked him what he wanted. He said that he wanted to keep seeing each other with new rules. I have to say that I have no problem with the changes he wants. I've been thinking the same thing myself. So that wasn't the issue. (But I didn't tell him that) It was that I was emotional and coming from a place of fear. I kept pushing because I wanted some reassurance that I was still important to him. He said a couple more times that he wanted to keep seeing each other. I kept pushing. He finally said that he loved being with me, loved talking to me, had never been able to talk to anyone about anything and everything like we do, loved the physical part of our relationship. But was I the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with? He didn't think so. He said that he loves me but he's not sure that he's in love with me. He said that he's never been in love and isn't even sure he knows what that is. So I was very hurt and said that we needed to end it. I asked him why he'd made all the comments if he felt the way he did. He said he didn't know, then he hemmed and hawed for a bit. Then he finally said that he guessed it was because he wanted it to be true. I talked to people and thought a lot for a week and decided that I wasn't ready to end it. I talked to him and told him that I'd been looking for reassurance when I pushed and not needing him to make a decision right then. So we're back together. I told him that what we have is worth some more time to see what happens. But I'm still confused about why he made the comments he did. I'm wondering if maybe he was feeling that way and he got scared and backed way off. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
amandine Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Guys can be funny like that (girls too, boys, not being sexist). To be fair, sometimes you'll get a picture in your head about how you think everything is going wrong, and they surprise you with something wonderful to thank you for all the good things you've done for them. My best advice is to stick with it for now. If he ends up pulling the "not ready to commit" stuff again, then maybe you should consider separating for a while. Not just a few days, but maybe a few months, if not years. Don't make it a clumsy angry break. State your feelings, make it known that you won't get into a relationship with someone who tells you one thing and then another the next day. Tell him it hurts your feelings. That you would try again if he did in fact decide to go somewhere with you... you know, if you weren't already taken by then. No need to be spiteful, just be normal and nice. Continue to be his friend, but if you need NC, then go your separate ways benevolently. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 You've only been together 8 months. It's a bit soon to expect someone to know whether they want to marry you. I don't know why he felt the need to make a statement that he didn't think he'd spend the rest of his life with you - except that maybe you kept pressing for reassurance during your talk? - but since he had to make a statement, he chose the "when in doubt, don't" option. Give it some more time. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Thanks guys. I know that it's too soon for the forever talk. The only thing that pushed it up in my mind was the comments that he made. And when we talked and I was feeling afraid and threatened I did push more than I should. You're right Nora. If someone was pressuring me for an answer and I wasn't sure but they wouldn't take that I would have to say no. So we'll just keep seeing each other and see how things go. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 So I guess all my wondering is just a moot point. We broke up this weekend. Saturday night he asked me how I'd feel about him dating other people. I told him that it hurt that he wanted to and that I wasn't okay with it at all. That he either needed to decide to be with me and see what happens or we're done. He said that he'd just been thinking a lot of things, but he didn't want to talk about it right then, could we talk the next day? So I said okay. The next night he came over and said so what have you been thinking? I said that I'd mostly been wondering what he was thinking. He said that he'd been thinking about an ex and that every time he thought about being with someone for the rest of his life she came into his mind. This is a girl that he broke up with because she had no desire to do anything in her life but get married. Now she's apparently changed and is going to school and working. But she lives in a different state and he's seen her once in the last two years!! So he thought that he shouldn't date anyone until he figured that out. But he also said that there were other people that he was interested in dating. But he still wants us to be friends because he hates the thought of me not being in his life. I can deal with the idea that it just wasn't there for him. That's life and it happens. But I'm so confused about if that's true or not. How do you go from asking me what kind of ring I like to nothing in two weeks? He said that he made all the comments because he wanted it to be true. But we hadn't talked about marriage, I wasn't pressuring him in ANY way. In fact it kind of freaked me out when he started doing it. I know that it doesn't really matter because for whatever reason he doesn't want to be with me right now. But I'm having a hard time accepting it because I don't feel like he's being honest with himself or me. I told him that I knew he was going to end it because if he cared about me at all he wouldn't have asked about seeing other people. He said NOTHING! I told him that I didn't understand how we went from two weeks ago when everything seemed so great to this, unless I was deluded and things weren't so great. He said NOTHING!! Anyway, I'm working on mourning and letting go. But I really love this man. I don't understand and I'm hurting so much. Thanks for letting me vent... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 I'm sorry things turned out this way. Between thinking about his ex and having interest in other women, he obviously isn't ready for a committed relationship - he's got a lot of things to work out for himself. I know this is really hard for you to deal with...but...better to know this about him now than to have been with him longer and find out later. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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