Money question

[Jenny]

My SO and I just got engaged. He has been getting his MD and PhD for the last 15 years. He has many student loans and has a job where he earns a little money (residency for MD). I have been working for 15 years and have a good carreer and paycheck. We are planning to get married this fall. I have paid for putting the deposits on things and for my engagement ring and he says "he will pay me back". His financial situation is not what mine is. He pays all his bills and is responsible. Should I feel strange about this or just keep paying these things. I know what is "mine is his" etc., but I don't want to create inequality in our relationship. He will pay me back when he can I know. Any thoughts? He does not seem uncomfortable although the engagement ring and me paying for it was a bit hard for him to deal with. He wants me to be happy. Also his family is not planning to come to our wedding, but my family is. His family is not very supportive of one another and their schedules are to busy...that is what I was told. I am trying to get close to them, but it is proving to be difficult due to schedules. Thanks.

[Tony T]

You seem to have a lot of different things going here.

 

1. If he can't get his MD and PhD in 15 years, he's got serious brain malfunctions. So he's in his residency now, that's good. If he's planning on working right afterwards, getting his own practice or partnering with others, he'll make plenty of money to pay you back.

 

Why does he need a PhD on top of an MD? Is he a lifetime student? If so, you've got major problems.

 

2. I have a BIG problem with a man having the woman pay for the engagement ring...in any case. He could buy you a less expensive ring now and replace it with a big rock once he's in the work force. I wouldn't have any woman of mine paying for her own engagement ring, no way. The ring is the only thing I don't feel good about you advancing money for. But that's my own opinion.

 

3. What really bothers me the most is his family. They are truly weird...but, remember, this is the weirdness HE comes from. So they aren't even going to attend the wedding??? That's a strong warning flag, not only about his family, but about him as well. He's got their blood. Hopefully he's an exception and only you can determine that with a clear mind.

 

You may be way too much in love right now to make a rational decision about all this. I think you've got a lot of danger signals here. Of course, there's a lot of prestige attached to being a doctor's wife and the price you are now paying may be worth it to you. If so, carry on and don't complain.

 

I really see no inequity in your relationship, except for the ring thing. He is doing his part to prepare for putting a lot of money into the family pot once he's out of residency. You are doing your part now by advancing some money to keep things on schedule. If your relationship is successful, it will all work out. Lots of people do this and it's just fine.

[Laurynn]

He pays all his bills and is responsible? Well easy for him..seeing how you're paying for all the other things. These deposits, and the engagement ring.....were you able to totally pay these bills or did you have to put them on credit? If you had to put them on credit, then something is sorely wrong with this picture. What's going to happen come time that the full costs of things are going to have to be paid (for the wedding)...who's going to have to foot the bill then? Is he saving up money so that he can pay his share?

 

How long have you 2 been together? Have you, in any of the time he's been going to school, helped him with school costs? (helped put him through school) .....do you 2 live together? If so, do you pay more than your share to 'help him out'? (more of the rent, more of the utilities, groceries, etc)

 

I agree with Tony.....a guy should *NEVER* have his fiance pay for the engagement ring. That's just tacky and doesn't show a lot of thought or consideration. Take it from someone who DID pay for her ring (no longer with that jerk). Of course I trusted him.....and his supposed $6000 bonus check was going to be coming in 3 months from then...so I offered to put the cost of the ring ($5500) on my credit card. We were living together at the time, so we'd take money from our joint acct to put toward it each month. Well....October came and went, and so did his bonus check...I never saw a cent of it. He secretly put it toward HIS BILLS (I found out later that he had a secret acct he was using to buy a home, um, after he left me). Needless to say, we broke up 4 months later, and guess who was stuck paying off her engagement ring? (the jewellers wouldn't take it back). Yeah, and this was someone I trusted enough to promise to spend my life with. Just goes to show that you can't totally trust anyone. Don't let yourself get stuck like I did. I would have preferred to get a ring from a bubblegum machine and wait for him to get his $...then to be stuck like I was.

 

How long have you 2 been engaged? He couldn't even contribute ANYTHING to the cost of it? Surely a resident makes more than, um, minimum wage.

 

Just be careful that you're not engaged to a stingy, miserly, greedy goon who enjoys letting you pay for everything, with the promise of "I'll pay you back".....cuz sometimes, that day never comes.

 

As for his family not being able to attend the wedding, that's plain bizarre. Something seems fishy here. Do they know for sure that you 2 *ARE* planning to get married, do you know that they know for sure?????? I simply can't see anyone's immediate family not being able to take a day off and attend their family member's wedding. Do they not support him marrying you? Do you get along with them? Could they have any reason to not like you? (different religion, different race, ?)