Do Man And Woman Really Cheat For Different Reasons

[lindo]

I always though that man and woman cheated for a different reasons. I was wondering if the gilrs in this site can give me so input on this. I've been married now for 2 years been with the same girl for almost 10 and i almost feel like cheating but not because i dont love her anymore but because she nevers wants to have sex with me no more. I dont think im a ugly guy i work out 5 days a week im desent looking but yet i feel ignored. I have heard from some ladys that women cheat because they dont have the imotional support at home. Well i tell you what ladys is hard supporting you all imotionally when you guys dont ever feel like make us feel wanted.

I'm really interested on hearing opinions from the ladys in this site. Please post up

thanks.

[Guest]

If there isn't a strong connection between you and your wife emotionally that will affect her wanting to be with you physically. I don't know your situation as far as what you have tried in order to get things back on track but try couples therepy if you haven't already.... an affair itself will only weaken the marriage.

[Guest]

first of all, whats up with your grammatical and spelling errors? i mean i make a few here and there but perhaps she doesn't want to have sex with you because you're not putting effort into things.. like writing...

 

anyway

 

perhaps she has some problems that she isn't voicing to you. why don't you tell her what you wrote on here - that you are wondering why there is a lack of sex in your relationship all of a sudden.

cheating is not the answer. if you don't want to be with her for whatever reason, call the marriage quits. cheating will not fix things except for maybe temporarily and you will end up feeling terrible in the end if you are a decent human being.

perhaps you should check out marriage counseling

[Flyin in Clouds]

I always though that man and woman cheated for a different reasons. ...

 

There are a variety of reasons your wife may not be responding to your needs anymore. But that aside...

 

It seems to me women and men view sex and fidelty much differently. (Watch out for the generalities, because this doesn't apply to every man and women on the planet. That said... )

 

Women want to form an emotional bond before they have sex.

Men seem to have sex in order to form an emotional bond.

 

If a women cheats, it's the emotional connection that counts. And if they return to their husband, they view the extra-marital sex as "meaningless" because either love wasn't involved or any emotional connection is now over with and hence whatever happened really doesn't count. The husband however may care more about the sex than any emotional attachement his wife had for the OM.

 

If a Woman's husband cheats, he cares more about the sex with his mistess than the emtional connnection and if he returns to his wife, she doesn't see the sex as the big deal but the lose of the emotional connection to her husband, or the fear that her husband loves the other woman and not her. Sex, shemex. She can get over that but not the emotional angle to her husband's affair. Or the emotional angle is the most bothersome to women.

 

The relative weight put on "emotional connection or love" versus sex in a relationship seems to be opposite for men and women.

 

Women have affairs because of a loss of emotional connection to their mate, while men have affairs because they are no longer getting laid.

 

Unless you have given up on ever fixing things with your wife don't have an affair. It can't make things better. If you can't fix your marriage get a divorce. But I think if you actually work hard at communicating the importance of sex in your relationship, that sex is necessary to feel needed, wanted, and hopefully appreciated if we do a good job your wife might come around. Can you kiss her? Hug her? Without it leading to the bedroom? Can you cook her a dinner complete with candles and champagne? Can you romance her? A weekend getaway to a romantic bed and breakfast? A trip you plan entirely. Don't tell her where you are going, just reserve the weekend.

[catgirl1927]

People cheat for all different reasons. There is no "man list" and "woman list" of reasons.

[riobikini]

Everyone has heard the statement, "I'm not getting it at home -so I'm looking elsewhere" in regards to sex (that's normally mentioned first, and normally by a male), or affection (normally mentioned first by a female), or "attention" (either sex).

 

And how seriously this kind of problem can impact the relationship -I think- is determined by a lot of things.

 

First, it depends on *how long* you've known each other and been together as a couple -either married, living together, or dating.

 

If you're dating -and the relationship is new -or fairly new (say only a few months)- it may be that the initial attraction phase that normally happens has worn off and you've discovered that -after all- you are just not that compatible to each other.

 

And that *may* happen if you've dated for a long time, too -or you may have just become so "comfortable" with each other that you begin to take each other for granted.

 

Feeling that you are being taken for granted can happen in a marriage, while living together without marriage, or long-term dating.

 

If you're married, and the marriage is within it's first year or two, and you are feeling a slow decline in the "lovey-dovey-ness" of the excitement and glow of the new beginning, you may be experiencing the so-called "slump" that usually occurs about this time.

 

Not walking around on air from the constant giddiness of receiving "unexpected" romantic surprises , or basking in the glow of a night of perfect romance at home doesn't mean your marriage is over. It just means your feet are finally touching ground, and that you are embarking upon a new -and believe it or not, potentially very exciting- phase of your relationship.

 

Those hormones of yours (that were so out of whack during the build-up of the relationship -or given a workout during the wedding) are changing into those that will better ably meet the challenges of a long-term relationship (marriage) in which you will be faced with decisions that will require that you are thinking without the thick cloud of romance obstructing your rationale e.g. new mortgage, the decision to have children, and other serious life concerns.

 

So -with all that- and the new "busy-ness" that your expanded life now demands, you could certainly experience a feeling that there is less time for romance, affection, and personal attention, and get sidetracked, believing that your partner's love is fading.

 

Not true -you're only growing in an additional way -one that, if you allow it, is very positive.

 

One good suggestion to follow right about now, though -is to review how you *have been* communicating to each other and make sure it's working well.

 

If it's not working or you really haven't taken the time to discuss how -and when- you'll be communicating to each other in the marriage -then take some time together to figure out ways to increase communication -both the "touchy feel-y" kind, as well as communication about the "serious stuff" that you must deal with regarding your lifestyle e.g. financial concerns, family concerns, work-related concerns -everything!

 

Learning not to cheat yourselves out of communication helps you to not worry so much (or at all) about cheating on each other with affairs in the future.

 

Lots of men -and women- allow their ***feelings*** about their changing lifestyle during a marriage (or any long-term relationship) to decide the value of their relationship under circumstances that are quite inevitably going to occur -and which are, according to the ever-changing nature of any long-term relationship- will undergo, at least *some* momentary lapses in the romance department.

 

If it becomes a prolonged lapse, a partner (or both partners) can begin to focus on it and feel rejected, "forgotten", or taken for granted.

 

Trouble is -instead of directly approaching the subject- most just walk around feeling rejected, going through the motions of marriage, and allowing their feelings to build into very deceiving feelings of resentment based on perceived abandonment by their partner.

 

And this is where thoughts of having an affair normally first come into play.

 

Look -let's admit to some core facts about our complicated -sometimes very confusing and conflicting human nature: we all want to be recognized, get the attention we desire, feel "important" enough to the one we love that he or she voluntarily -without us having to tell them- reciprocates in kind with the same feelings we have for them.

 

There's no way around the "getting/giving" part of any relationship -and we have to feel that our emotions are being *matched by our partner, or we feel "put-off" or rejected.

 

But having to tell them how we're feeling is *exactly* what we might have to do in order to get past this very common stumbling block in many relationships.

 

It only takes one partner to accept the challenge, take the directive, and move on it.

 

I would be willing to bet that the partner who first takes the initiative will find his move well-received, in most cases.

 

In other cases -if it takes more effort, and you really want the relationship to survive and be healthy again- I think communication is the key to getting things back in order and flowing smoothly.

 

And never underestimate the utter power of saying -and meaning- a softly-spoken and unexpected "I love you" to start the conversation.

 

(Smile)

 

Hope this helps someone.

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[Moose]

People cheat for all different reasons. There is no "man list" and "woman list" of reasons.

I agree with the no man or woman list. But I don't subscribe for all different reasons. Men and women cheat because out of their own selfishness.....

[riobikini]

re:

 

Moose: " Men and women cheat because out of their own selfishness....."

 

Coming up with the reason a problem occurred is addressing only *half* the problem.

 

Coming up with ways to solve it is "a bit more" complicated -and requires a little more effort.

 

-Rio

[yourshawty_69]

Maybe she feels unwanted as you do? I dont believe there is a man or woman list either.. Perhaps you should spice things up? Let her know that you still want her and perhaps she will do the same in return? After being with someone for a length in time, you always have to try something new to keep the sex sizzling... Or even something old and romantic... Perhaps replay the scenery of where you two first made love at? Or something. Who knows, perhaps she believes you dont desire her? Did you ever think that she could be thinking the same as you... Unwanted? It's just an opinion like the rest.. Dont take offense.

[everlong]

i just wanted to add this one cpmment about something that rio just posted...

 

"And never underestimate the utter power of saying -and meaning- a softly-spoken and unexpected "I love you" to start the conversation."

 

softly-spoken...i love u....like kissing someone's eyelids gently

 

nice way to end my evening and head off to la-la land...nice to know that there are people out there like u RIO!

 

hugs

[AverageJoe]

For the sake of argument:

 

Im curious as to why some posters are suggesting he take the initiative towards the woman in a pre-emptive strike to solve the issue. Why does he have to?

Could it be looked at as a wife holding out on sex as every bit as much "cheating" - you promised fidelity - she promised availability in return. If you ain't getting it, she is already "cheating" you? May not be a popular outlook, however it is certainly something to consider.

 

The usual pattern of frigid woman-excusing advocates is "talk to her - be sensitive - communicate - whatever happens, the responsibility to fix this is yours". It wold be interesting to see someone tell women "this responsibility is squarely yours - if you don't deliver, you have no one else to blame but yourself when he strays or leaves." For that is the stark reality, and sooner or later, he possibly will.

 

Please dont mis-understand me. I do not condone cheating at all. Again, im posting this for the sake of argument, not as a flame or anything like that. =)

[riobikini]

re:

 

AJ: "..Could it be looked at as a wife holding out on sex as every bit as much "cheating..?..."

 

Understand your point, AJ.

 

I expect that many men probably do feel "cheated" or "hoodwinked" after they've married, and the sex dries up.

 

Similar to any situation where you think that you're getting everything you see in the catalog picture -then having the Fed-Ex truck deliver it and find that some of the parts are missing.

 

I understand completely.

 

You either want a refund -or you want the missing parts.

 

(Smile)

 

In all seriousness, it *is* somewhat similar to how I've described, but in a not-so-humorous way.

 

An uncle of mine once put the situation in perspective in regards to how the sex with his wife dried up two years into their marriage shortly after their first child was born. Referring to the amount of hanky-panky carried on between them before they were married, he said, " If I had only realized I was in high cotton back then, I would have just stayed out yonder in the field."

 

(Smile)

 

And I guess that kind of sums up how some men feel "cheated" when their sex lives seem to have been better early into the marriage, or before marriage, or other long-term commitment.

 

It still doesn't excuse infidelity if no efforts have been given -either by him, or her- to correct the problem.

 

I think that -before you start to consider stepping outside the boundaries of your partnership, or marriage, you -at least- have to give it a fair shot in repairing the tattered, worn -and sexless- relationship.

 

And women *do* need to wake up and realize that after the wedding and the "honeymoon" is over, there's *still* the absolute *need* for finding the time to initiate intimacy -and sex- with their spouse, or significant partner.

 

Having children, taking care of the house, working, and all the things that keep you busy are part of your responsibility -but even with all those things you must realize that it's your partner you are married to (or committed to) ***first.***

 

And that goes for *both* partners.

 

In addition (touching on patterns) - just because your mother "stopped doing it" as often after the children started coming doesn't mean she knew what was in the best interest of her marriage -nor her own personal happiness -it probably meant that she was following a pattern set previously, too.

 

So it might be time to stop the cycle.

 

Also, in respect to my own gender, I think that men need to grasp -once and for all- the fact that women *do not* thrive too well without a little romantic intimacy to go along with the sex.

 

It actually encourages more sex, enhances it, and -guys- if you go to all the trouble it takes to understand this- I promise you- you might wind up still complaining about the burned toast, or the overdrawn bank account, but you'll never complain about not getting enough sex with your partner.

 

Think about it. Study on it. Try it out.

 

And then get back to this board with your results.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[AverageJoe]

And women *do* need to wake up and realize that after the wedding and the "honeymoon" is over, there's *still* the absolute *need* for finding the time to initiate intimacy -and sex- with their spouse, or significant partner.

 

I wished more females would acknoweldge that, as well. It does, afterall, take two.

 

I think that -before you start to consider stepping outside the boundaries of your partnership, or marriage, you -at least- have to give it a fair shot in repairing the tattered, worn -and sexless- relationship.

 

Agreed. Although, how long should one spend countless hours/days/years on being fair, if it's not reciprocal? IMO I might try for quite a very long, long time. However, there are those without the patience I have.

 

And women *do* need to wake up and realize that after the wedding and the "honeymoon" is over, there's *still* the absolute *need* for finding the time to initiate intimacy -and sex- with their spouse, or significant partner.

 

Thank you for bringing this to light. I hope women (and men as well) can learn from what she just said.

 

So it might be time to stop the cycle.

 

It absolutely is.

 

It only takes one partner to accept the challenge, take the directive, and move on it.

I would be willing to bet that the partner who first takes the initiative will find his move well-received, in most cases.

 

Or in a stale partnership, you may get resentment. You have to be receptive.

 

And never underestimate the utter power of saying -and meaning- a softly-spoken and unexpected "I love you" to start the conversation.

 

By both parties. Men and Women.

 

Now, to toss out a few other 'arguments' =)

 

The underlying commonality behind some of the commentary above is "no matter what, if a guy cheats, it's his fault." I happen to wonder if a wife refuses to respect his needs over and over again, and he otherwise wants to be faithful, but simply can't live without it, could it be her fault? It just isn't that hard to respect his needs and provide an acceptable level of intimacy - unless you just don't give a rat's behind about his desires.

Do you think no one should have to live in a state of enforced deprivation? Emotionally and sexually? Life is too short.

[riobikini]

re:

 

AJ: "Now, to toss out a few other 'arguments' =)

 

The underlying commonality behind some of the commentary above is "no matter what, if a guy cheats, it's his fault." I happen to wonder if a wife refuses to respect his needs over and over again, and he otherwise wants to be faithful, but simply can't live without it, could it be her fault? It just isn't that hard to respect his needs and provide an acceptable level of intimacy - unless you just don't give a rat's behind about his desires.

Do you think no one should have to live in a state of enforced deprivation? Emotionally and sexually? Life is too short."

 

AJ- (Smile) -pull yourself up a chair.

 

Every day people are making decisions that seriously impact the *quality* of their lives -everything from how (well or poorly) they do their jobs (which affects their chances of promotion -or not)- to who they choose to form partnerships, friendships, and other types of alliances with.

 

And those decisions usually wind up directly creating your circumstances, your environment, and what you adopt as "your world".

 

To say you *do not* have the human right of control to make those decisions is baloney.

 

And *still* I have to acknowledge the difficulty with achieving to higher degrees of that personal, individual right of control when it comes to members of the human race who are born to specific environments where the rules of their society *control them* the minute they're born.

 

Unless you're a *woman* who lives in India, Egypt, or some Muslim-influenced country -you are probably fortunate enough to be able to make some very important decisions concerning how you want to live your life.

 

If you're an individual living in a "free-world" you have all the freedom you need to make your own life decisions.

 

(Prep set- Now, fast forward to your uttermost question...)

 

So you choose to marry the "love of your life" -and the sex dries up. You're angry about it, and you form the opinion that -generally-speaking- it gives you the "right" to have an affair. Automatically.

 

In doing so (quickly forming that opinion) you've similarly just sanctioned the perspective of millions of people (mostly men) controlling the rights of others deemed "lesser" or " weaker" (mostly women) living in those countries I just mentioned above.

 

Peering into the practices of their religion, and law, you can glimpse some of the same "reasoning" your mind is constructing out of the dilemma: the right to treat a common marital problem with such harshness that it destroys the expected, *required* basic reciprocal respect between two people, the acknowledgment of human equality, and totally ignores the opportunity for more compassionate treatment and understanding, replacing it with rigid, selfish -and cruel- control.

 

A very good way to destroy your marriage, *or any relationship*- and even *yourself*, if you begin to adopt that kind of thinking.

 

Here in the U.S. -there are plenty of ways, means, methods, services, agencies, doctors, therapists, -*everything* you need to fix a "fixable" a problem if you truly *want* to fix it.

 

(Smile...breaking for a tongue-twister wasn't planned -but maybe I got the point across.)

 

Saying you *must* live with a serious problem (marital/relationship) only amounts to telling yourself a great big lie.

 

We absolutely *do* have *choices* -and, though, sometimes those choices are very difficult to make- having them rules out (in my mind, at least) having to live on and on with circumstances that (after trying) cannot be healed, or with problems that, for one reason or another, cannot be reconciled.

 

Bottom line: if you are in a relationship where the intimacy, sex, or the "love quotient" has dropped off the radar -and you've given it your best shot to get things back on track, and nothing worked -don't cheat- end the relationship *properly* and seek your happiness further down the road in your life.

 

I promise you -you may go through some difficult emotional times, but there'll be a world of difference in the way you feel about having handled it.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Guest]

I always though that man and woman cheated for a different reasons. I was wondering if the gilrs in this site can give me so input on this. I've been married now for 2 years been with the same girl for almost 10 and i almost feel like cheating but not because i dont love her anymore but because she nevers wants to have sex with me no more. I dont think im a ugly guy i work out 5 days a week im desent looking but yet i feel ignored. I have heard from some ladys that women cheat because they dont have the imotional support at home. Well i tell you what ladys is hard supporting you all imotionally when you guys dont ever feel like make us feel wanted.

I'm really interested on hearing opinions from the ladys in this site. Please post up

thanks.

 

The truth is woman cheat because they feel that you are not paying enough attention to her. All those little things you used to do for her and all those things you used to say to herl.... Someone else will be more than happy to fill in for you. If Your worried about it take her out look in her eyes and tell her You Love her more than you ever have and she is the only one you'll ever long for the rest of your life. You'll get your sex life back and she won't need to cheat on you. It will work

[riobikini]

re:

 

Guest: " The truth is woman cheat because they feel that you are not paying enough attention to her. All those little things you used to do for her and all those things you used to say to her.... Someone else will be more than happy to fill in for you. "

 

Guest is right.

 

And it's true for men, as well.

 

The big risk here is, if you feel you're "alone" in the marriage or relationship, that makes you *vulnerable*.

 

In everyday scenarios (workplace, or daily routine anywhere) -without the "attention" from your partner- you become more aware of how others react to you, and treat you with kindness; you pick up on the least signs of "positive" recognition from others and you start "feeding" off it, even if it's done without any further meaning than what is normally considered "friendly".

 

Because you are missing that attention from your partner at home, you start giving off subtle (or greater) signs that you are not even aware that you are giving off -and sooner or later- the wrong guy or gal is going to pick up on them, and if it's someone who's either in the same boat, or "been-there-done-that" and enjoys the "easy pickins' " -you could be at risk for having an affair.

 

Like Guest said, " Someone will be more than happy to fill in for you."

 

Affairs can happen to couples who are madly in love deep down -but who just got side-tracked with all the draining responsibilities of life.

 

It can happen at any time in your marriage (or relationship) -doesn't matter if you are 20, or fighting a silver crown.

 

It all goes back to -in a nutshell- how importantly you esteem the *act* of showing -physically, and verbally- how much you love and care for your partner: e.g. taking the time to touch, talk, and physically display the depths of your feelings to your partner, through everything from holding hands to having intimate sex.

 

If you want the fox to walk on by *your* hen house -you build a stronger door through better, more frequent, -and intimate- communication- of all kinds.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[AverageJoe]

Ahh now we have come full circle. =)

 

It appears to be all about making the woman happy, vs making the man happy.

 

Rio I really appreciate your dialect. Very insightful. However, you are a women. In your responses you substitute words of her, and use conjectives in place of 'her'. Such as, partner, significant other, etc. In your biased opinion, it still comes through. =)

 

I do not agree with guest 100 percent. Somewhat? Sure I do, but not 100 percent at all.

 

I think it should be a concertive effort between both parties. Yet, we still hear the woman saying 'he isnt meeting my needs'.

 

Men are quickly turning into pussies. (this is another topic all to itself) Females want a man to step up, and be the man, however, we have to be 'sensitive' to their 'needs'.

 

Sooo we can do a few things.

1) Do nothing and be miserable for the rest of your life.

 

2) Get a divorce and lose half.

 

3) Cheat, get caught (yes, you will get caught). Lose a lot more then half in the inevitable divorce proceedings.

 

4) Try to work it out (doctor, therapy and sex shop in that order.) If none of those work and you have to have sex then get a divorce and lose half. (If the doctor or the therapy are the ones that work still go to the sex shop because that can still be fun ).

 

The wife has a problem. And he has discussed it with her at length and brought it to her attention. And she REFUSES to do anything about it.

 

Is it possible that she, through her actions has already broken her vow to "love, honor and respect"?

I believe the man has a responsibility. He certainly does. But in marriage the vow does not say. love, honor and respect...unless I have a headache, or am tired, or don't feel pretty, or have too much to worry about, or just want to let you know who wields the power in this relationship".

 

Marriages with issues are all too common, because of the "low sex drives" and associated BS attitudes that accept women backing out on their commitments to a marriage, and then expecting the men to pay for it in deprivation or divorce court.

 

This post may come off as 'biased' towards the man, and I dont actually mean to at all. I just like pointing out the reality of things. Regardless of who we are as men and women, it takes an effort of TWO. If marriages were easy, no one would divorce. =)

[riobikini]

re:

 

AJ: " Rio I really appreciate your dialect. Very insightful. However, you are a women. In your responses you substitute words of her, and use conjectives in place of 'her'. Such as, partner, significant other, etc. In your biased opinion, it still comes through. =) "

 

AJ, I hear your despair -but really- you are looking at this whole thing way too close. It's driving you nuts -and you've been on top of it (I believe) for way too long. (But maybe not -and, like you've said- maybe that's the problem.)

 

Step away from the fire. And take a deep breath.

 

As for my using the term "her" or "him" to express my views -I only followed how you led out: you were talking about that "she-devil" you're apparently married to (Smile, -and no offense- just seeing the humor) -and whom you are still, obviously, in love with (deep down) -even though you happen to be suffering in a truly miserable sort of way.

 

And God help me- yes- I'm a woman to the "nth" degree.

 

Hang me.

 

(Smile)

 

Now that we have (as you mentioned) come full circle back to the problem (and might I add, rather quickly) -that only tells me that you probably didn't really pay much attention to any of the pretty reasonable suggestions that anyone gave here.

 

Two or three days of "trying" to solve the problem just isn't enough.

 

If you choose to stick with what you've got at this point, and never try any of these suggestions to encourage renewed interest, you'll probably wind up lying on your back (again) tonight, staring up at the ceiling in the dark with your partner turned over on her side, listening to her snore contentedly away, and with her big ol' behind mocking you -while you wonder how things ever got this way, and quietly pondering whether or not you think you'll be "lucky" enough to find someone to cheat with who knows how to keep quiet about it, and won't be too much trouble.

 

On the other hand, you could try a few of the kind and well-meaning ideas generously posted by total strangers who have probably had the same or similar experience and -after too many nights lying there listening to their own partner snore- they had a break-through realization, stopped blaming the whole of woman-kind for a problem that's pretty simple to fix -and broke down and did what sounded reasonable.

 

All said in kindness.

 

Take care.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[ely]

You have to tell her how you feel. Be honest and say what you just posted. This WILL get you out of cheating. Don't forget what goes around comes around and you don't want her to catch you it WILL also hurt you. Trust me us women have a way of finding out sooner or later.

[riobikini]

re:

 

AJ: " Is it possible that she, through her actions has already broken her vow to "love, honor and respect"?

I believe the man has a responsibility. He certainly does. But in marriage the vow does not say. love, honor and respect..."

 

 

Yes -and it used to say "obey"- which seemed to indicate (to those who were highly prone to misunderstanding) that "obey" meant " Do as I say -or else..." .

 

It was never meant as a threat but some happily confused humans of male orientation promoted the idea as a "swallow whole" theory.

 

It just made people miserable and kept the rotten resentment of inequality between the sexes in perpetual turmoil.

 

And like most things that get opportunity to come into balance, the "balance" tipped and we went too far for a period in time (some) -then it was women who took full advantage of their long-awaited and fiercely fought-for laws that supported them as -finally- "equal".

 

And took it right straight into the bedroom where -for some- that was where they realized at least *half* the battles between the sexes were fought, in the first place.

 

And men seem to realize that, too.

 

We can go overboard with anything -but give it sufficient time, and the rough edges soften, and the details become balanced, again.

 

AJ, I'm certainly not saying that *anyone* should use sex as a leverage to wield power over their partner (to me, that's unacceptable) -I think the whole issue goes far beyond that: I think it has to do more with the rights of human beings than rights between the sexes.

 

And that's where the "respect" in your vow comes in -hers- and yours; it's about paying decent respect to another human being.

 

I think I've already made myself clear in another post regarding how I feel about women who just "shut it off" concerning having sex with their partner.

 

But there *has* to be a reason *why* that happens, and you might try hard- but you'll never be able to get around that issue without having to directly face it at some time or another.

 

You can't sit on a problem forever without it coming back to bite you in other ways and causing other problems. Not tackling the problem only allows it to grow.

 

re:

 

AJ: " The wife has a problem. And he has discussed it with her at length and brought it to her attention. And she REFUSES to do anything about it."

 

I already gave you the answer to this. See my third post above, next to last paragraph, where it begins to read "Bottom Line...".

 

re:

 

AJ: " Marriages with issues are all too common, because of the "low sex drives" and associated BS attitudes that accept women backing out on their commitments to a marriage, and then expecting the men to pay for it in deprivation or divorce court."

 

"Women back out on their commitments...." Now there's a point to focus on.

 

Commitments in a marriage, I believe, are expected to be *reciprocal*.

 

"To love..." is to deeply care about your partner -and anything that concerns your partner. That includes being "stand-up" enough to come in on a problem and do what you know he/she *can't* at the moment -and be the stronger person.

 

"To honor...." is to be aware of his/her position and role of responsibility in the relationship and other aspects of your life *together* as well as your life apart, in regards to other people (career, children, family, etc.). And to support, encourage, praise, and defend with everything you have in you. You become someone else's cheerleader, defender from the dragons, and premiere admirer.

 

"To respect..." is to allow room for personal growth, individuality, and temper that with all the honor and love you can muster.

 

AJ, if you can get your mind around those three things, it won't be so hard to approach your wife and begin working towards solving the tangled mess you're presently in.

 

It all comes back to your *own* commitment to "love, honor, and respect...".

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[AverageJoe]

Actually I am not married. (been close a couple of times) =)

 

A good friend of mine is going through some trying times, and I simply wanted to open a dialogue here in hopes of a better understanding, and I certainly have it seems. =)

 

I suppose it is also my nature to play devils advocate at times, and I quite possibly got carried away. I aplogize for that. I like to look at things from all different angles, including angles I may not necessarily agree with.

 

Truth be known, Rio, I agree with about 95% of everything you have said and have truly come away with a better understanding due to your thoughtful insight. In fact the first time I came close to getting married I could have used this information to help the relationship. Alas, it didnt work out. She was the one that cheated.

 

As for the OP I would not suggest cheating, it is never the right answer. If it absolutely came down to that. As mentioned, get a divorce first.

 

Once again I apologize if I came across as a bitter individual. I like to think I am not, I think I may have gotten carried away playing the bitter side of things. The upside (my original intent) is that I have learned some valuable information from 'strangers'.

[riobikini]

AJ, (Smile) strangers can sometimes serve us all better than our very best friend.

 

You are welcome, friend.

 

And thank you for your dialogue -it may have helped many "strangers" along the way.

 

Yours,

-Rio