Long story...am I cheating?

[kristybelle]

Hello everyone. Just for some background, I am a 20 year old female in college. I am also a virgin, and until very recently, very inexperienced with the opposite sex. I have dated a few guys, but I didn't even get my first kiss until I was 19. It doesn't have anything to do with religion (I'm an atheist) or social stigmas...the oppurtunity just really never came up.

 

After not having a date for nearly a year, I began dating this guy from a town 30 minutes away. We dated for around three months but he never kissed me or even held my hand. I feel very insecure about my physical attractiveness because none of the guys I've been with seemed interested in me physically. So one night I was feeling rather down because the guy I was dating (for convienience purposes, his name is Chad) stood me up. I had a few shots and went dancing with my roommates, and met up with this guy (Jared) who lives directly below us in our apartment complex.

 

I'd met him a couple times before but didn't know him very well. We began to dance and danced through four or five songs before he kissed me. Later that night, he came up to my apartment and we made out for a while before he left to go home. I was drunk and we had GREAT chemistry so I just chalked it up to that and decided not to say anything to Chad. To clarify, Chad and I have never talked about being exclusive. Neither of us wants a serious relationship but we've never actually said we were not exclusive.

 

Things began slowing down with Chad; he didn't call or text message me very often and we didn't go out for a couple of weeks. In the meantime, Jared had been coming up to my apartment 3-4 times a week. I was fairly certain this was a "booty call" situation. He has a reputation for being promiscuous. He's slept over a few times but we've never actually had sex. We do talk a lot, but it's usually when he's drunk, so I didn't think anything of it. I've been more intimate with Jared than with anyone else, however.

 

Chad informs me he wants to "cool things off." I assume this is a breakup. I casually mention one night to Jared that I broke things off with the guy I'm seeing. Jared is shockingly upset and tells me that he doesn't think I should be hanging out with other guys. He says he doesn't hang out with other girls the way he hangs out with me and I tell him I think that's a load of crap. He insists, however, and two out of the three nights he's spent in my bed he hasn't tried anything. Over the course of the month I've been "hanging out" with Jared, I've developed feelings for him and I've contemplated having penetrative sex with him.

 

So today, Chad calls and wants to see me. He wants to take me out tomorrow night and I consented. I will probably see Jared tonight and I'm feeling pretty guilty about seeing Chad tomorrow. If I am just a booty call to Jared, I could date Chad and not feel bad, but I'm not sure where we stand. Am I cheating? Keep in mind, Chad still doesn't know about Jared. Should I feel guilty? Or am I in the safe zone because we've never discussed exclusivity?

 

Sorry it's so long. I'd love to have any opinions you might have.

[magichands]

I think you need to decide which of these options (if any) you want to pursue. Do you want a "relationship"...and if so, do either of these dudes seem to fit your bill?

 

I would try to shy away from intimate situations where one or both of you is drunk, haha. You don't want to do anything you (or they) might regret later.

 

Good luck.

[prncssfce9]

I think you are thinking too much about this .... this guy chad seems like an ass to me. he never showed any physical affection towards you and then he doesn't want to see you anymore?

 

This guy jared seems to be really interested in you, but i think YOUR insecurity is what is making you think it is a booty call situation as you call it.

 

If you want to see chad see him, but i think you should tell him that you have been seeing Jared ... if he seems upset simply remind him it was HIS idea to "cool things down" (btw how to do cool down nothing???)

 

Relax, stop being so insecure ... and remind yourself everyday that you are beautiful. The reason Jared was probably attracted to you was b/c when you were drunk your inhibitions were gone ... try to be comfortable in your own skin and things will work out.

 

Good Luck

[Kristybelle]

I think you are thinking too much about this .... this guy chad seems like an ass to me. he never showed any physical affection towards you and then he doesn't want to see you anymore?

 

This guy jared seems to be really interested in you, but i think YOUR insecurity is what is making you think it is a booty call situation as you call it.

 

If you want to see chad see him, but i think you should tell him that you have been seeing Jared ... if he seems upset simply remind him it was HIS idea to "cool things down" (btw how to do cool down nothing???)

 

Relax, stop being so insecure ... and remind yourself everyday that you are beautiful. The reason Jared was probably attracted to you was b/c when you were drunk your inhibitions were gone ... try to be comfortable in your own skin and things will work out.

 

Good Luck

 

Thanks so much for your advice...maybe it is my own insecurities. I spent the night at his apartment last night and he was very sober, sweet and attentive and there was nothing sexual involved. More and more I'm thinking that he is interested in me for me, even if there is a sexual aspect. The trouble I'm having is trusting him enough to know other girls are not spending the night at his apartment or vice-versa due to his reputation and past history.

 

After last night I feel very guilty about going out with Chad tonight but I am determined to mention that I am seeing Jared. The trouble is that I'm fairly certain Chad and Jared will cross paths while coming in and out of my apartment complex. I think I will just introduce them, both as my "friends." I really don't want to be dishonest with Jared because I know he had a bad experience with a fiancee who left him for someone else. However, since Chad and I are not "dating," I don't feel there's any need to mention him.

[Spectre]

First of all, quit hiding behind the "we never talked about being exclusive" excuse

 

did you ever talk about not being exclusive? Before the chad guy dumped you, yes, you were cheating on him. not that it matters much cuz he seems like an ass.

 

thing is, if youre "seein" jared, you shouldnt be going out with chad, period.

 

i mean, just choose one guy, and dont see the other. I dont know why people act like this is so difficult? obviously chad doesnt mean that much to you, cuz you cheated on him. So go with jared then. But dont try to play both fields. I think when two people begin seeing each other, its generally assumed they arent gonna be inviting other people over to their house and making out with them, maybe im old fashioned? do i now have to declare to a chick that i wouldnt be ok with her making out with other dudes? I hope not, i hope our society *never* gets to that point, cuz its just sad

[Adora]

Quit playing games! It is obvious that Jared is interested in you, else he wouldn't be spending time with you. Chad seems like he doesn't care.. so why should you?

 

Jared already motioned that he doesn't feel you should be seeing other 'guy' friends, so that is his own way of saying that he'd like to be exclusive with you. Why are you still insisting on going out with Chad then? If you feel that Jareds past is too much for you, then tell Jared you don't want to 'hang' with him anymore.

 

I also think, if you decide to see Chad... do NOT introduce to the two guys. Jared has made it perfectly clear he doesn't like the fact you are talking with this guy, so now you are going to have them meet? What is the meaning behind this idea? Because to me this is a huge mistake. You are almost starting a fight.. especially if both guys have a liking for you. I almost think its an attention thing, some sort of competition. See who fights over you more before you finally decide which guy to keep...

 

Please bare them the misery and decide for yourself instead of hurting them in the process.

 

::edit:: This was 2 days ago (thanks me for noticing when posting originally!!) - did the two guys meet? I am interested to know what happened.

[Spectre]

also whomever you choose, youre probably gonna have to get the other one out of your life, cuz then it would just be incredibly disrespectful, then again seeing how you behaved, that might not matter to you.

[Kristybelle]

also whomever you choose, youre probably gonna have to get the other one out of your life, cuz then it would just be incredibly disrespectful, then again seeing how you behaved, that might not matter to you.

 

Of course I would not continue to string along the one I didn't choose. Just because I may have made a bad decision doesn't mean that I am heartless. Also, even if I was "cheating," Chad gave me no physical signals that he even wanted to be anything more than friends. Even if he says we are dating if there are no romantic signals I can't be expected to stay interested.