luvstarved Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Has anyone else had a spouse who seemed to be highly motivated to deflect criticism and cast blame elsewhere at all costs? My H and I are making progress, bit by bit, but I have been realizing that he gets very angry and defensive when I say or do anything that he can possibly interpret as criticism or "blame". I have been trying to be very honest and open with him, but even if I just want to know how he feels about something, or offer genuine constructive criticism or observations, he just turns it around and blames someone else, usually either me or his stepdaughters. He deflects any criticism that is made about him, his parents, or our biological daughter. Once in a while he will say that he could have "handled things better", but that is usually after some wildly irrational angry outburst that he just couldn't possibly excuse. What makes a person like this and how can you deal with it? I know that his parents always told him he was the greatest, the best at everything, spoiled him etc and he and they do the same with our daughter and it frankly irritates me because I worry that she will turn out like this. This isn't just my observation. My daughters see it, too. And tonight when we were in family counseling, he took our daughter to bathroom and the counselor said "tonight was the first time that he did not spend the whole time saying 'it's not me, it's not me'". A previous marriage counselor also told me that there was nothing I could do if he were unwilling to look at himself. Any suggestions on what can one do with this??? I am beginning to believe that this is somehow a root cause of our problems, but I have no idea how to have him really listen to what I am saying without thinking that I am trying to "blame" him for something. I mean, I think I am just having a conversation and the next thing I know he is dispensing blame and accusing me of blaming him...WTF????? Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Has anyone else had a spouse who seemed to be highly motivated to deflect criticism and cast blame elsewhere at all costs? My H and I are making progress, bit by bit, but I have been realizing that he gets very angry and defensive when I say or do anything that he can possibly interpret as criticism or "blame". I have been trying to be very honest and open with him, but even if I just want to know how he feels about something, or offer genuine constructive criticism or observations, he just turns it around and blames someone else, usually either me or his stepdaughters. He deflects any criticism that is made about him, his parents, or our biological daughter. Once in a while he will say that he could have "handled things better", but that is usually after some wildly irrational angry outburst that he just couldn't possibly excuse. What makes a person like this and how can you deal with it? I know that his parents always told him he was the greatest, the best at everything, spoiled him etc and he and they do the same with our daughter and it frankly irritates me because I worry that she will turn out like this. This isn't just my observation. My daughters see it, too. And tonight when we were in family counseling, he took our daughter to bathroom and the counselor said "tonight was the first time that he did not spend the whole time saying 'it's not me, it's not me'". A previous marriage counselor also told me that there was nothing I could do if he were unwilling to look at himself. Any suggestions on what can one do with this??? I am beginning to believe that this is somehow a root cause of our problems, but I have no idea how to have him really listen to what I am saying without thinking that I am trying to "blame" him for something. I mean, I think I am just having a conversation and the next thing I know he is dispensing blame and accusing me of blaming him...WTF????? This is without a doubt one of my biggest pet peeves. I was hoping that you had an answer on how to make people stop acting that way. All that I can say is that they need to be an adult and admit when they are wrong. No one is perfect but these type seem to have a hard time grasping that concept. Just don't ever stoop down to their level. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 And before any wiseacres say "well aren't you blaming him if you say it is a root cause", please notice I said "A root cause", not "THE root cause" Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 This is without a doubt one of my biggest pet peeves. I was hoping that you had an answer on how to make people stop acting that way. All that I can say is that they need to be an adult and admit when they are wrong. No one is perfect but these type seem to have a hard time grasping that concept. Just don't ever stoop down to their level. Sadly, I have been known to jump on the bandwagon...although now that I am more attuned to it, I am trying harder not to. Sometimes if he starts blaming me, and I know he is wrong, I get defensive too. It's hard not to! But it never helps. What I have done lately is talk to him later and convince him that I was not blaming him, but it gets tiring...it does seem to help, though... Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Sadly, I have been known to jump on the bandwagon...although now that I am more attuned to it, I am trying harder not to. Sometimes if he starts blaming me, and I know he is wrong, I get defensive too. It's hard not to! But it never helps. What I have done lately is talk to him later and convince him that I was not blaming him, but it gets tiring...it does seem to help, though... If it seems to have helped, then continue on doing it. I know how difficult it can be to not be defensive. We are human, so we are prone to making stupid mistakes. Its hard because lots of people really do lack great communication skills. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 He needs to be taught how to communicate. He's using a defensive communication tactic. This is something that the counselor should be able to teach him. Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 This is a big issue in my marriage. Sometimes if I say anything that can even be interpreted as an insult for criticism, she gets very angry, and the personal attacks begin. This makes it very difficult to discuss anything she does that does bother me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 Yes, StayClose, it is maddening because no matter what you say, you are not only wrong about it, but your intentions are somehow evil too!!! We are reading books on relationships and hoping that that will help. But so far I am finding that my H is zeroing in on interpreting things such that once again it is all my fault. One of the books talks about "givers" and "takers". Now, I read this and saw some of each in both of us. He read it and decided that he was the giver and I was the taker. Mind you, the reality (not me casting blame, but just the facts) is that I literally take care of EVERYTHING except mowing the lawn, using the snowblower, maintaining the pool, and the occasional odd errand that I ask him to do when I am overwhelmed, and even then I have to give explicit instructions. YES, I mean the cooking, cleaning, shopping, home repair, remodeling, finances, doctor's appointments, homework help for kids and getting them up and out in the morning and settled down at night. He even pushes me into taking care of things that are his alone - like writing essays for job applications, etc. Part of my demanding bitchiness is that I used to complain about all this. But I have been resigned to it for a long time now. On top of that, I was in a sexless marriage because HE rejected ME for 7 years, according to him now, again because of my selfish demanding bitchiness. I really don't want to get defensive and I don't like to cast the blame, but I am genuinely flabbergasted at being dubbed the "taker". What did I take? What did he give??? Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Yes, StayClose, it is maddening because no matter what you say, you are not only wrong about it, but your intentions are somehow evil too!!! We are reading books on relationships and hoping that that will help. But so far I am finding that my H is zeroing in on interpreting things such that once again it is all my fault. One of the books talks about "givers" and "takers". Now, I read this and saw some of each in both of us. He read it and decided that he was the giver and I was the taker. Mind you, the reality (not me casting blame, but just the facts) is that I literally take care of EVERYTHING except mowing the lawn, using the snowblower, maintaining the pool, and the occasional odd errand that I ask him to do when I am overwhelmed, and even then I have to give explicit instructions. YES, I mean the cooking, cleaning, shopping, home repair, remodeling, finances, doctor's appointments, homework help for kids and getting them up and out in the morning and settled down at night. He even pushes me into taking care of things that are his alone - like writing essays for job applications, etc. Part of my demanding bitchiness is that I used to complain about all this. But I have been resigned to it for a long time now. On top of that, I was in a sexless marriage because HE rejected ME for 7 years, according to him now, again because of my selfish demanding bitchiness. I really don't want to get defensive and I don't like to cast the blame, but I am genuinely flabbergasted at being dubbed the "taker". What did I take? What did he give??? Books are great in terms of learning communication skills. I once use to blame things on others and basically act in the same way that your husband is. The books turned me into a whole new person. 7 years? Wow. I am sorry to hear that. Sounds like he has an extreme case of immaturity. Have you two considered marriage counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 Books are great in terms of learning communication skills. I once use to blame things on others and basically act in the same way that your husband is. The books turned me into a whole new person. 7 years? Wow. I am sorry to hear that. Sounds like he has an extreme case of immaturity. Have you two considered marriage counseling? Thanks for response, Riddler. I am hoping that the more he reads, the more his mind will open up to the possibility that he has some responsibility too. I even said at one point that he can blame me, the moon or the carpeting for all I care, as long as we can move forward...but of course that's not true. I am not perfect and I need to make changes, but so does he. We did try marriage counseling, twice, but both times the counselor was great as long as the focus was on me and what was wrong with me. Once the spotlight was directed at him, the counselor became an idiot and I was also misleading the counselor by "twisting" the truth. That is a very popular phrase of H's. Whenever anything implies that he could be at fault, at ANY level, I am "twisting" things. Sigh! I am glad to hear that you were able to recognize this behavior in yourself and learn to correct it. I am hopeful that he will, too, eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
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