stupid breakup - how do I get him back to the table?

[rienderien]

My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We'd been dating for a year and a half and close friends for 3 years before that. In May, he went long distance and it was really hard on the relationship.

 

Recently the two of us have been going through some really stressful times, and with the distance between us it made things worse. He told me he was worrying all the time about what was going to happen, that he wasn't sure about things and he didn't know if we'd be in the same place again and he didn't want to keep working on things only to not have it work out in the end. I tried to reassure him, but he would just lapse into this cyclical "it can't work, it won't work" thing and shut me out. Eventually we got into a big fight over nothing, he got angry, and ended it. Funnily enough, the next day I found out I'd been granted my transfer to my dream job which is out where he is.

 

He said his life is too complicated right now and he wants to simplify things and date someone there. He said he'd been asked out and he wanted to go. I asked him to wait until we'd met up in person (2 weeks at that point) and talked things over calmly before he made any final decisions. Initially he agreed, but then he freaked out again and said he wasn't going to wait and if he waited now I'd just keep asking him to wait. I asked him if he really liked her that much, and he said, "no, not at all" and told me that the breakup had nothing to do with her and that he wasn't making a choice between the two of us.

 

I thought things over a bit, and I talked to him again. I told him that I agreed that things wouldn't work how they were with the distance and also I had to work some issues out that I had. I told him I was going to work on these with him or without him and informed him of the possibility of my moving near him. He said he was really happy about that, and he changed his answer to maybe and from "I don't want to" to "I don't know."

 

Over the next week or so, we talked a lot. Not about the relationship, but just chatted. He kept telling me how he found me irresistable and how smart, funny, beautiful I was, etc. He also said he was afraid to see me because of this. But in the same conversation he'd say he wanted things to be simple and he was going to date other people (or this other person). I told him that would make me sad, but that he should do what he wanted.

 

Last thursday he called me again. Our conversation went really well and he seemed like he really wanted to talk to me. But some things came up that worried me. He seems ridiculously stressed out and doesn't seem to be coping well. He's messing up at work in ways that are really atypical of him and when he has stuff to do he's going out and drinking. He seems overall confused. I asked him if he wanted to see me when I came out there for interviews and he said yes, but he'd have to see when he could find some time. He told me he'd call me this weekend.

 

Then this weekend he didn't call. He's never done that before as long as I've known him (even before we were dating) and he knows it's something that makes me particularly insane. Finally, I sent him an email telling him some news and asking if everything was going okay. He took two days to write back:

 

"I'm glad it was a nice ceremony. I'm doing okay.

Kind of crazy busy. I may try to talk to you

tomorrow? You get here thursday, right?"

 

Meanwhile, I'm making myself crazy about what's going on. I know he still cares about me, but I wonder what he's doing. I wonder how much of this is just fear of getting hurt, how much is stress from school, and how much is actually about our relationship. I think that little of it is about me.

 

All I really want is for him to actually sit down and think about things and process before making a decision. If he still decides he doesn't want me, then fine. But right now with all the other changes in behavior it just seems like he's panicking. Moreover, I'm worried about the complication of the other girl. He can't have been on more than one or two dates with her at this point, but I'm afraid he'll use her as a wedge to prevent trying to sort things out with me. I wonder why he didn't call when he said he would and drive myself insane thinking that he's completely in love with someone else already.

 

I'm working on doing positive things in my life and being stronger. I know I can get by without him, but I really want this. We have an amazing relationship when we're actually together, but the distance drives us both insane. It seems a shame to end it now that the distance is about to evaporate.

 

The only thing I've tried to do with him is stay calm, stay positive and stay focused on the present. I'm going to see him in a few days and I hope that will clear things up a bit, but is there something I can do to convince him to at least think about this rationally? He's had several bad breakups off of LDRs in the past and I think he's just reliving them.

 

Please help me. I know that there's nothing guaranteed and I'm prepared to accept that this will never work, but I need to keep trying right now. Any advice?