We're both holding on, for what?

[breal]

My original post is extremely long, so for those of you who don't know my story. I'll give you the readers digest version.

 

Met my ex 4-5 years ago, reunited a year in a half ago. Lived together 10 months, the last 5 me living with her and her mother. Overall, we had a great relationship, and turned into not only lovers but true best friends. She had a very abusive childhood. Sexual/Physica/Emotional. We had both been planning to save our money to move back to my homestate (her idea). Mid-July her mother (selfish, abusive, drug user) started getting on her about staying down there. Manipulating her in anyway she could to get her to stay.

 

Eventually my ex broke down, expressed to me she wanted to stay down there, and wanted me to stay with her. As much as I wanted to, just to be with her, I refused to live that like. I refused to watch her be degrated and treated like **** by her mother. I ended up going back home (7 hours away). We agreed to have a "long distance relationship", but after a week it was too much, and we split.

 

First week there was NC on both sides. She eventually started calling again, and the ?'s started, and still haven't stopped. She has always been a jealous person (because of past issues), and still 2 months later, acts/talks like we're still together. I tried writing her her a letter, to enforce either getting back together, or NC until I was over her. I didn't stick to my guns, and felt weak to her tears. This was a couple weeks into the break.

 

Since then, she initiated all contact. If I do call, it's only me "calling her back". She calls everyday/every other day. The first month, there was a lot of friction/awkwardness in our conversations. She's hound me about "Who im seeing" "Who Im hanging out with" "Am I dating" constantly, it has subsided a little, but not much. When we talk, we laugh, joke, and give eachother **** like usual. She still tells me she loves me, every time we hang up. She brings up old memories, and we're constantly reminising. I love this girl, with all of my heart. And it is obvious she feels the same way. A part of me wishes I would of just stayed down there, and tried to make it work, I miss her like you wouldn't believe. I don't tell her this. She knows she means a lot to me, but when we talk, I stay away from being weak.

 

Thing is - I was supposed to move back to my homestate last month (1,500) miles away. I got a offer to help film a movie, with my ex's aunt and will be going down to her aunts in a week, for a month. I will still be 4 hours from the ex. I expressed to my ex 2-3 weeks ago, after this movie is done being filmed (Mid Nov), I would like to get together with her. She agreed. After this movie is done being filmed, I have a very big desicion to make, and im having a REALLY hard time making it.

 

It's either get my own place down in the bay area (4 hours) from the ex, or back to my homestate. I am currently living with my mother, and my ex phoned lastnight while I was sleeping. My mom has known my ex as long as I have, and adores her. She has always treated her like her own child. So lastnight, my mom had, had a few drinks. I wake up and she tells me the ex called, so I call her back.

 

Ex says "Well, me and your mother had a nice conversation" I replied "That's good, what did you guys talk about". She says "She was just telling me she's worried about you, because she knows you're struggling with on where to move, back to your homestate, down to the bay area, or....back here" I said "WHAT! she did not say that". It was true. I have never once told my mother I have been thinking about moving back to my ex's town, I think she told her that thinking she was helping, but it made me feel like a fool. I told my ex I hadn't said it, and she just laughed it off, sounding almost excited about it. Which is weird, cuz she has asked me to come visit a few times, but I havent had the time. But she hasnt once hinted she wanted me to move back down there.

 

So we talk for a little while, I end the conversation. Phone rings at 6am, without even looking at the caller id, eyes still shut i answer it. Its my ex. She has NEVER called me at odd hours like this. And she knows I like my sleep. First thing I hear is "Hey, I just wanted to call and tell you I love you, I had to wake up early to get my sister ready for school". Still groggy and half awake I said "huh" almost like I didnt hear her right. She repeated herself. We ended up talking for 10-15 mins. And she says "Its getting cold here, I wish you were here to snuggle with, I miss cuddling with you". Once again, im in a semi shock. I felt like I was talking to my old gf. Our conversations are always casual and sweet, but besides joking around, she never says things like this. She'll joke around about how she misses our sex, or the way I can always make her smile...but she's never out and said "I miss you".

 

We're both extremely stubborn, and somewhat prideful. I didn't even know how to respond to her, so i casually laughed it off, told her I was going back to bed. She rings at noon, and once again says "I just woke up, I just wanted to call and say I love you" WTF IS GOING ON????

 

I really thought after my mother told her that, she'd get a little scared and back off, thinking I was planning something she didnt want. Shes doing the complete opposite, and I dont know how to take it. I dont know how to proceed with the way things are going. Iv'e been doing really good, with keeping the relationship talk minimal. Keeping my cool, staying busy. But I do want her back.

 

I read all these other peoples stories, who are still waiting for their ex to call, hoping praying for that call. Here I am, getting those calls, and Im more confused then ever. I feel like I dont know how to act anymore.

 

Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated. I feel like the smoke it starting to clear, but its still to blurry to see.

[Guest]

You want her back.. she's telling you she loves you... I think you have a green light... now you just need to figure out the living arangements....

 

What's the big problem? I think a lot of people would love to be in your shoes right now.

[breal]

It's one of those things "A lot easier said than done". I understand a lot of people would be happy to be in my shoes, but everyones situation is different, and I still feel uneasy about all this.

 

I'm scared to even bring the subject up with her. These past 2 months apart, Iv'e realized I can live down there, just not close to her mother. I'd have no problem just getting my own place. I left out of spite more than anything. We had been planning a move back to my homestate for 5 months, then she dropped it on me she wanted to stay. I got mad, and left.

 

Things were so uncomfortable the first month after the break when we spoke. I jokd around, laughed, and acted like things were fine when we talked, but the minute we hung up, id want to puke.

 

Iv'e gotten over that stage of grieving. And I am doing "ok" but I still feel like Im missing a piece of me, and it's her. I'm scared to bring this all up over the phone (about us working it out). Like I said, I'll be filming that movie til mid Nov, then she agreed to fly up and visit.

 

Do you think I should just wait it out, until we're face to face? We are both really good at hiding feelings/emotions when we can't see eachother. But face to face, it's impossible. I'm actually leaving sooner than I thought now, I leave Monday.

 

Our conversations will no longer be everyday for an hour. At best I'll have time to talk to her maybe a couple times a week, hopefully that will help? We really haven't gone that long without talking since this break, so maybe a little NC will be good.

 

Do you think I should wait to bring up "us"?