How does friends with benefits work?

November 1, 2006

No i dont' enjoy this drama at all. I HAVE taken some of your advice- I have told her over and over again that I DON"T WANT TO BE WITH HER. She doesn't listen to anything I said. THat is why I resorted to being so mean to her in hopes of she would realize I"m a jerk and leave me alone. I know I should go with no contact but I work with this woman so its difficult to have NO Contact at all with her.

I thought we could at least be civil and so when she invited me to this party I thought it would be a good chance to just talk to her and let her know there will be no more benefits. Aquaintances only. But then as I thought about it over the week I decided it wasn't a good idea to see her in person (might lead her on) so I told her on friday when she came up to me at work that I was going to be very busy and probably wouldn't be able to make it.

I explained that my car blew up and i needed to work on it and that I didn't have the time or money to go to the party. SHe basically wanted me to still go and I said no I couldn't but if things changed I would call her. Well I never called her. So basically I told her I wasn't going, that our plans were cancelled but if by some miracle I got my stuff done early I would call her (I never intended to get done early so I see where this might have led her on but I didn't want her to make a scene at work)

If she got ready to go somewhere it is NOT my fault that she did so. I told her there was practically NO chance of us getting together plus I never called her all day (the party started at 6 and it was 9pm before she got ahold of me (phone was dead) so she should have realized that we weren't going- BECAUSE I NEVER CALLED HER. I am not planning on having any contact with her. If I need to I will file a restraining order against her. I still feel bad for her but it can be someone else's problem now. I guess that is what you get for telling someone the truth up front (that I don't EVER want a relationship with her) and to the poster who said they are glad my ex cheated on me nad dumped me- she didn't end things- she wanted to work things out, I'm the one who left her.

I wouldnt' stand for someone cheating on me. I try to be a decent guy (sometimes thats not the case, I know) and at least tell FWB woman that I"m not interested in her while other guys might have strung her along by promising that they might want to date her someday. It was her choice to continue sleeping with me even though she knew I had no feelings for her. But thats done now. I know one thing for sure, I"ll never try FWB again!

November 1, 2006

No i dont' enjoy this drama at all. I HAVE taken some of your advice- I have told her over and over again that I DON"T WANT TO BE WITH HER. She doesn't listen to anything I said. THat is why I resorted to being so mean to her in hopes of she would realize I"m a jerk and leave me alone.

This is why I think you just don't get it. You think you've taken our advice, but nothing you've said shows that you have.

I know I should go with no contact but I work with this woman so its difficult to have NO Contact at all with her.

This is one reason why it's a good idea to end things with as little bitterness as possible. The best way to do that is to be honest with her and stop treating her like some crazy chick. She doesn't sound crazy. She sounds like she's insecure and has low self-esteem. Stop acting like you're afraid of her and have some compassion.

Speaking from personal experience, nothing is more frustrating than having someone give you a bunch of BS excuses and lies when you want to believe them, but their actions say something completely different.

I thought we could at least be civil and so when she invited me to this party I thought it would be a good chance to just talk to her and let her know there will be no more benefits. Aquaintances only. But then as I thought about it over the week I decided it wasn't a good idea to see her in person (might lead her on) so I told her on friday when she came up to me at work that I was going to be very busy and probably wouldn't be able to make it.

I explained that my car blew up and i needed to work on it and that I didn't have the time or money to go to the party. SHe basically wanted me to still go and I said no I couldn't but if things changed I would call her. Well I never called her. So basically I told her I wasn't going, that our plans were cancelled but if by some miracle I got my stuff done early I would call her (I never intended to get done early so I see where this might have led her on but I didn't want her to make a scene at work)

Making excuses and lying weren't part of my advice. If you didn't want to go because you weren't comfortable, you should have told her that. If you didn't want to make a scene at work, you should have told her somewhere else.

Here's an example of how the conversation could have gone:

She approaches you at work.

Her: (something about going to the party)

You: I need to talk to you about that. Can I give you a call after work?

Her: Ok.

Later.

You: I know I said I'd go to that party with you, but I just don't feel comfortable going. I'm really sorry.

Her: Why don't you feel comfortable?

You: I feel like I'd be leading you on, and I'd rather not do that to you. We're just friends, and it feels too much like a date.

Her: You won't be leading me on. I'll be fine. Just come to the party.

You: Sorry. I feel bad about backing out on you, but I just don't feel comfortable going. I hope you have a good time though. You'll have to let me know how it went.

At that point, she might start crying and getting upset. You have to remain calm and stick to what you said about not going. Don't cave or start yelling at her. Yelling suggests you care enough to get upset. Appologize for things you've done wrong, but not things that aren't your fault.

Maybe it would help if you try to remove yourself from the situation and think of her as one of your good girl pals who is being treated this way by some other guy.

I try to be a decent guy (sometimes thats not the case, I know) and at least tell FWB woman that I"m not interested in her while other guys might have strung her along by promising that they might want to date her someday. It was her choice to continue sleeping with me even though she knew I had no feelings for her.

That is your redeeming quality in this whole situation. It's also why I think you're trying to be a good guy, you're just screwing it all up.

I know one thing for sure, I"ll never try FWB again!

Probably a good idea. They seem screwed up more often than not.

I still think you should call her and say, "I need to talk to you. Can you meet me at XYZ place at XYZ time?" Then have a conversation similar to the one above only about how you think NC (or limited contact in this case because of your work situation) is best for you both.

November 1, 2006

This is one reason why it's a good idea to end things with as little bitterness as possible. The best way to do that is to be honest with her and stop treating her like some crazy chick. She doesn't sound crazy. She sounds like she's insecure and has low self-esteem. Stop acting like you're afraid of her and have some compassion.

Ok you are right about the fact that I shouldn't be lying to her. I've just never ended something totally no contact. (I even talk to my ex once in awhile) It seems so cold to just act like you;'ve never met someone especially after you've slept with them.

But I realize that this is what I need to try to do. I don't want to talk to her in person because there will be no way to get away from her (she may get in her car and follow me) so I'd rather just tell her this over the phone. The thing is I"ve TRIED to tell her no contact. I've tried explaining that I think she has feelings for me and wants this to be a relationship and that I don't want anythign like that and that I have NO feelings for her at all. She just says that is fine with her and that she doesn't want me to be her boyfriend. SHe says that if I were sleeping with/dating another woman she wouldnt' care.

She says she has no problem with the way things are (or were) except that she so much enjoys spending time with me that she wants me to spend more time with her. She uses that excuse for the reason she calls me ten times on the weekends begging me to come over even though I've asked her not to do that. she has an answer for EVERYTHING! and pretty much everythign she says is the total opposite of her actions. She says she is fine with just being used as a sex object, she says she has no feelings for me, that she isn't jealous, that she just wants a friend, yet she comes off as a controlling jealous, girlfriend.

I've explained that I don't think this is fair to her and told her I like someone else (half truth) and that I cant see her anymore. I've told her that I'm sure she deserves some guy that treats her like gold and that I'm not that guy. SHe insists that the way i treat her is fine. But its not because she is always crying and upset over my lack of interest in her. I don' t know what else to say to her because she denies everythign i bring up.

So do I just call her and tell her look this is goodbye I won't be talking to you anymore? I knwo this will turn into a 2 hr conversation from her side telling me that she thinks everythign is fine and there is no need to not talk to her. She even offered that she will just be a booty call (if I want her I call her and stop over) but I'm not interested. She is much too clingy and needy and that is why I wanted fWB in the first place because I dont' have time to devote to a relationship right now. None of my other female friends are that needy and clingy and I absolutely love talkign to htem and hanging out with them because there is no pressure!

When I tried no contact before she woudl call me crying about how she has to move from her apartment and needed a friend to talk to. Yes I fell for that. Another time she just kept texting me and calling me till I finally answered and yelled at her. What do I do if she calls crying saying she is going to kill herself (do I ignore her then?) I ask this becasue I found out from a friend that this woman has done this before to another guy (threatened suicide). Thanks to all for your advice.