Just Friends, Weird

[Guest]

I have known this woman for a few years now. At first casually, and then lately we see a lot of each other.

 

A lot. Like every day. For the last six months or so.

 

I rarely, if ever call her, she always calls me. For the most part it is assumed that we will be hanging out together when we are free.

 

I help her with schoolwork (she is about to graduate from college).

 

I would like to take our relationship to the next level, but when we talked about it a couple of months ago she said, that she wasn't ready--yet. That's cool with me, so we kept hanging out. We have become even closer since that discussion even. And she brought it up, I didn't.

 

I have pulled back a couple of times, and when I do she says that it frightens her because she feels like I don't want our relationship to go any deeper (whatever that means). She says that I am her best friend. She is not the type of person who says things like that lightly, either. I know she relys on me emotionally.

 

She gets jealous sometimes when I talk to other women--both friends and otherwise. Nothing huge, no big fight, but she tells me she is jealous becaue she wants to spend time with me. It is at times like this that she says she is closer to me than she has been to any man in her life, ever. When my phone rings she always asks me who it was, that kind of thing. She makes pans for us far into the future.

 

I am not feeling used by this realtionship at all, nor am I tortured by it. I just don't quite get it.

 

She is leaving the country for five months at the beginning of the year, which I think will be good for our relationship. She is definitely going to miss me, which I know is a key component if our relationship is going to progress romantically. I once had a friend go away to school and she dropped out and moved back because she realized she couldn't live without me. Lots of similarities between that relationship and this one...

 

She has told me that she thinks I am handsome, and she beams with pride when I am complimented in public--which is frequently. We have lots of friends in common, but the ones we don't and her family rave about me right to me. It can be embarassing, actually. My fam raves about her, too, though.

 

Once, two months ago, she had too much to drink and kissed me. I put her to bed and didn't let it go further. She doesn't remember it. I have brought that up, and haven't gotten a satisfactory response about it. I don't care enough to bring it up again, as she has told me that she hates pressure and it wigs her out. I haven't pressured her before or since.

 

She wants me to visit her when she is out of the country. I am not sure if that is a good idea or not. On one hand, it would be really fun, but on the other it makes me feel lame. She says it will be the highlight of her trip, though.

 

She is also not the type of woman that responds to challenge much. She would be more like, "well, if he digs her and not me, I guess that's the way it is." Or so she says.

 

I am in no hurry to push things along, as I am happy now, but at the same time I wouldn't mind a little physical affection. I am currently getting that elsewhere, but nothing steady and she doesn't know the details. Nor will she. It isn't like I am cheating on her, and my romantic life is none of her business right now. It is so rare anyway, seeing as how I am with her most of the time.

 

I just wish I knew how to be more of a challenge to her without being a dick about it. I am patient, too, as I know she is leaving and who knows what'll happen when she gets back. Or if I visit her.

[Moai]

What exactly is your question?

[Guest]

What exactly is your question?

 

Why would a girl who doesn't want to date me hang out with me 24/7?

 

Should I visit her or not? Will that make me look like a loser pining away for her, or what (she doesn't think so, as she really wants me to come)?

 

How can I be more of a challenge and not be a dick?

 

Will the fact that she will be gone for five months count as a challenge, or no?

[Guest]

Why would a girl who doesn't want to date me hang out with me 24/7?

 

Should I visit her or not? Will that make me look like a loser pining away for her, or what (she doesn't think so, as she really wants me to come)?

 

How can I be more of a challenge and not be a dick?

 

Will the fact that she will be gone for five months count as a challenge, or no?

 

first of all I am not trying to be mean and this is not a bad reply but however you really sound like you are way into yourself and these are they reasons on maybe she is scared. I think you are a little to into yourself and if you paid any attention to the way things were going by just the letter you wrote I would say a. she does not want to go any futher cause she has to leave and if she leaves and you guys are just starting a relationship then she may feel like she is letting you down on the relationship. b. or she may feel like you would cheat on her seeing how every one comps you and even to your face.and in front of her all the time along witht he family raveing on you.

 

c. if she does take it to another level she may feel like if you are not that into her then you will just get in her paints then blow her off. then where would she be?

 

d. she may feel like the relationship is not going to go far cause she sees you get all the attention and she may feel like you know you look good and could have anyone and she is afraid that you will act upon that.

there are lots in play and not trying to mean at all but maybe just on how she is feeling. she probly wants the relationship as much as you do well probly more but alot of factors come into play.

[everlong]

"She is leaving the country for five months at the beginning of the year, which I think will be good for our relationship."

 

awwwwwwwwww...i hate to break this news to you seeing that you are both just really digging each other, but, the fact that this woman is leaving for 5 months basically is a killer for your hopes. i mean really, how does any relationship grow thru separation. i know if i was in your shoes, i wouldn't be thinking positively. i know alot of people think that absence makes the heart yearn richer but it rarely happens that way. maybe in the movies. you know the old saying, out of site out of mind. i am speaking purely from personal experience - time apart from someone you love is time lost where you both could have grown together. that's what a relationship is all about. growning and experiencing life together. i once dated someone that believed time and space would 'help' and 'nuture' and 'heal' our relationship - all it did was cause confusion and even though i warned her about the dangers, and even though i knew she knew what i was saying was true, she left anyway, and NC was started by her, for reasons i will never know, and at this point doesn't matter because weeks turned into months, until it felt like years, and then suddenly there was no connection, real connection, just memories that in turn, started to fade, just as a flower does without water, and my anger at knowing this would happen disappeared because what was there to be angry about? she wasn't in my life anymore, i wasn't in her's - and the wondering about how she was, what she was doing, slowly left - and i really did try to reach out but it was like reaching for a ghost or an illusion because there was nothing reaching back...darkness...like radio signals from sattelites bouncing off stars - meaning chatter - and instead of anticipation and heartfelt longing, sorrow and emptiness is what time and distance brought. and that emotion only lingers briefly because how can you keep being hurt by someone or something that is no-longer there. see, this may sound sad but it really is nothing more than a lesson learned...time and distance away from each other do not 'build' relationships, no communication and games do not foster trust and understanding, separate experiences do not create lasting bonds between two people...i hope that anyone out there is thinking about doing such things, realize that perhaps what they believe about fondness and longing isn't the same for everyone. do i look back on that time where we drifted apart with regret? no. because i know i did everything i possibly could to keep the flame burning. that's all anyone should ask for. do i wish things would have turned out differently? of course. is there anything either of us could have done better? of course. am i still dreaming of us growing old together? no. it really takes two people to want that dream to happen - its not a solo endevour. do i believe she thinks about us as a couple again? no. everything that has been 'shown' to me by her [not a single real attempt at communication, any attempts by me greated with immediate and serious, uncalled for reactions - i mean when you hand someone a heartfelt present after respecting their wishes and do so to simply acknowledge their accomplishment and their response is 'hello officer' - that's plenty of evidence against thinking happy dance thoughts]. see, that's what nc and time and distance does - it makes you forget who that person you once thought enuff about to plan a future. and this story is no different than the countless other souls out there that bump into each other in the darkness of night and turn away when the sun comes up.