He cheated, and Im trying to move past it...

[SadGreenEyes]

I found out my boyfriend of over 2 years posted a profile on Match.com and met someone. I had a feeling something was going on, in fact, I was convinced. I asked him over and over to please tell me the truth, and he denied it, naturally.

I went into his email and found a letter he wrote to "her". I was devistated, went into complete shock. It was bazaar...I couldnt even cry.

I also found a telephone number and called her.

Basically, boyfriend and I were havign serious problems then which was why he decided to do what he did...I didnt and wouldnt think of straying, even when times are rough, but none the less, he did and he got busted.

They never slept together, this I know, and I caught them a month into the relationship and put a screeching hault to it.

Now, this is where Im at. I was always the type of woman who swore by never forgiving cheating, and here I am, willing to forgive him for what happened. This is all new to me. I have my good days and my bad days, which I think is normal.

I wonder if the trust will ever come back, or if the suspiscion will ever go away now that it's happened. He swears they didnt sleep together, and she told me the same thing as well. He wasnt in love with her and when she decided she had enough and ended things with him because of me, he willingly let her go.

My question is - will this ever go away? I think it could have been worse had they slept together and if I found out later on into their relationship. I pat myself on the back for finding out as soon as I did!

Trust? How does that rebuild? When will I stop thinking he is on the internet all night picking up other women....which I assure you, he's not, but still - look at what he did.

Will he do it again? This was the first time, and like I said, things were really really bad between the 2 of us, so I can kinda understand...still tears me up inside though.

Has anyone been through this that might be able to help me to cope?

Thanks people!

SGE

[arniebuteft]

All couples go through bad spots. You don't want a partner who logs onto match.com as soon as trouble shows up in the relationship. Tough to say if he's learned his lesson and this is a one time thing, or if he'd 'relapse' down the road when you hit another rocky patch. It doesn't look very good that his response to relationship trouble is to emotionally withdraw himself from the relationship, and begin to bond with another woman.

 

Most of the advice you'll get on this site is "once a cheater, always a cheater". As a generalization, it's not going to be true 100%, but people with far more experience with cheaters than I do stand behind it. People can change... but not as often or as much as you might hope.

[everlong]

sorry about this long post...but for those who are seeking help, guidance and advice about how to deal with an affair, here is an excellent site. i cut and pasted a few 'stories' for your review. good luck to all you still trying to make things work.

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033e_qa.html[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]First, always analyze the problem. Over the past few years, you and your wife have grown apart. You have become incompatible, and you are not meeting her [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3]. She probably isn't meeting yours either. She found someone who meets her needs, and was willing to give up her relationship with you to be with him. She comes back to you reluctantly, because she has no choice. But it gives you an opportunity. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]You must take this opportunity to prove to her that you can do something you haven't been doing for some time: Meet her most important [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3]. First, you need to discover them. What was her friend doing that she found so irresistible? He probably talked to her, showed an interest in her, was respectful and encouraging, demonstrated his care by being there for her when she needed him. And maybe, most important, he didn't criticize her or try to straighten her out. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]Call her, send her flowers, tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her. Don't smother her, but let her know in no uncertain terms that you value your relationship with her. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]Even though you have been very hurt by her affair, don't blame her for it. Don't expect her to apologize and don't ask her to explain the gory details. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]She is probably suffering depression over the relationship not working out. It's a common symptom of withdrawal. She will want to talk to someone about how badly she feels. Try to be the one she confides in, even if what she says is how much she misses this other man. DON'T JUDGE HER! If you do, she simply won't open up to you. If you can't handle it, she should talk to a friend or a counselor, but don't risk losing her by venting your anger or your judgment on her. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]Granted, you're in a tough situation, but one I've seen work out a vast majority of the time. It may take six months to two years to recover your wife's love, but when it's over you will have the relationship with each other that you have both needed throughout your married life. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]People usually have affairs because their unmet [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3] are met by their lover. There is probably something that your wife's lover is doing for her that makes her feel so good that she is willing to sacrifice the happiness of her children, her mother, her sister and you just to get it. What is it? What does her lover do for her that is that important? What does he give her that you have not given her? Can you change so that you can meet that need? [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]The reason she is having trouble deciding between you and her lover is that you both meet different [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3]. She says she still loves you and that may be the case, particularly since she still makes love to you twice a week. She loves you because you are meeting some of her important needs. Since she says she would leave you both if she had to decide between you, there's a good chance that neither of you meet enough of her needs for her to settle on one of you. But if you could do for her what this other man is doing, the conflict would be ended and your family would be secure. You would have learned to meet all of her most important [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3], ending her affair, and the risk of others. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]If possible, have a non-threatening discussion with her about what her friend does for her that you don't. Ask her to complete my [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]Emotional Needs Questionnaire so that you can see which of her most important [/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3] you are meeting, and which of them you are not meeting. It's a pretty safe guess that her lover is meeting the ones you are missing. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]When you have this discussion, there is the [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]Taker[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3] in you (see the [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]Giver & Taker[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3] in my [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]Basic Concepts[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3]) that will tell you to express your resentment over how much she has hurt you. Your [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]Taker[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3] may even encourage you to let her lover have this ungrateful woman, so that you can find someone who will love you the way you are. You will be tempted to lose your temper, to say disrespectful things, try to straighten her out, and give her ultimatums. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]If you do any of these things, she will find you repulsive, and withdraw from you more than she already has. It will get you nowhere. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]On the other hand, if you can convince her that her feelings are important to you, and you are dedicated to make decisions that are in her best interest, it will add greatly to your credibility. Right now, she is not convinced that you have put her first in your life. Convince her otherwise. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]With her mother, sister and her two children living at home, I would imagine that there is little privacy. It could be that when she is with her lover, they have the privacy that is needed to meet important [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3]. Maybe it's not so much him as it is the environment that she and her lover share that makes him so attractive. She spends many hours each week alone with him, where they give each other their undivided attention. That kind of time and privacy is essential in meeting most of the important [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3]. It could be that you have not given her enough of your undivided attention in a stress-free and private environment. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]After you have established what her lover does for her that you don't do, ask her to give you a chance to prove to her that you can do it, too. Give yourself about six months where you go all out to try your best to meet her needs. And be sure you do not wreck it all by being thoughtless or disrespectful. If she is willing, take her with you on short vacations to places she would enjoy. Integrate her into your life, without making her feel that you are trying to smother her and take control. Never make any demands of her time, just offer her opportunities to become a part of you, and express your willingness to become a part of her. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]She probably wants a soul-mate -- someone who she feels emotionally connected to. Somehow, over the past few years, she has lost her connection with you. Your six month effort should be designed to help her re-connect to you. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]Don't tell her that your plan is only for six months, because that would constitute a threat. Besides, you cannot be sure how long you will last. But at the end of six months, evaluate your progress. If your relationship is improving, you may be encouraged enough to give your effort another six months. Remember that her state of mind will improve if you are depositing [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]love units[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3] and not withdrawing them. She may become less defensive and less secretive about her lifestyle. She may also tell you that she has completely abandoned her lover, and is giving you a solid chance to work things out. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]But, if at the end of six months, she refuses to stop seeing her lover and doesn't seem to be responding to your efforts, tell her that you can't take the pain any longer and move out of your house. I recommend that you don't talk to her, don't see her, do whatever the law requires, but no more. The last thing she will remember of you is how kind you were to her, and how hard you tried to make her happy. Never say a harsh word to her, but when you leave, gently tell her that you do not wish to talk to her again. It's tough to carry out, with two children. But if at all possible, have your friends or family mediate so that you don't talk to her when you see your children. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]When you are meeting some of her needs, and her lover is meeting others, she has the best of both worlds, at your expense. Your total disengagement from her will break the deadlock and will give her lover a chance to win her over. Let him try to meet the needs that you were meeting. If he succeeds, your marriage will be over. But if he fails, which is the usual outcome, it gives your wife a chance to test the permanence of her relationship with him. When he's faced with meeting all of her needs, he may not be able to meet those you have been meeting. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]It's very important for you to leave her before you do or say things that will upset her. You will not be able to compete head-to-head with her lover indefinitely. Your [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]Taker[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3] will finally convince you that your happiness lies elsewhere. So leave while you still have the ability to express your care for her. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]If, after your separation, she comes to you later asking to give your marriage another try, you will need to determine if she is still attracted to her lover. If there is evidence that her lover really blew it with her, is completely out of her life, quit his job, moved out of state, married another woman, returned to his wife, or done something that convinces you they will never see each other again, go back to your original plan, and learn to meet her needs. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]But if she is still tempted to see her lover behind your back, I suggest that you leave the area. There's a good chance that she is addicted to the man, and he is addicted to her. The only way to overcome the addiction is to have a period of abstinence. Moving away is often the only way it can be done. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]You have a thriving business and she enjoys her career, too. And your children are settled in local schools. But with easy access to her lover, I'm afraid that he will just keep turning up. Even if your marriage improves, your wife will still want to remain "friends" with this man. It is an arrangement that few husbands can, or should, tolerate. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]Your fear comes from an incomplete understanding of why your wife had an affair and how you could have overcome it to restore your love for each other (and save your marriage). I'll give you a few basic concepts that will guard you against affairs in future relationships. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]We marry because we are in love, and we fall in love with those who meet our most important [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3]. When the one we marry stops meeting those needs, we become vulnerable to others who are willing and able to meet them. If we let someone else meet our needs, we fall in love with that person, and an affair is off and running. P To "affair-proof" a marriage (the goal of my book, [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3]), spouses must identify and meet each other's most important needs to prevent emotional attachments to others. They must also be honest with each other about needs they feel are not being met, and they must let each other know when they are attracted to someone else. If a spouse's needs are not met in marriage, and he or she is not honest about their feelings toward someone who meets those needs, an affair is likely to take place. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]Once an affair begins, it is like an addiction. The same emotional attachment that drew you and your spouse into marriage is now directed to someone else. When your spouse is having an affair, she is as attached to her lover as she was when she first married to you. If she tries to leave her lover, she will experience many of the same withdrawal symptoms that people have when they try to stop using addicting drugs -- intense feelings of anxiety and depression. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]Most people who have affairs are so depressed they feel like committing suicide. They cannot imagine leaving their lovers, nor can they imagine leaving their families. They see no hope. They know they are causing their spouse and children unbearable pain, yet they cannot stop the affair. They try to rationalize by thinking that their spouse and children will do just fine, but deep down they know that their pleasure is destroying the lives of the ones they love, so suicide is considered as a way out of the mess they're in. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]The simplest and most direct solution to affairs is to force an end to all contact with the lover for life, and for the spouse to meet the [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3] that the lover met. Some of my clients have done just that, and spared themselves untold agony. Many leave the state as the only sure way to avoid contact. That plan would also work for alcohol and drug addiction if there were drug and alcohol free states, but there are none. The availability of addicting substances is everywhere, which makes the temptation too great for most addicts to overcome. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]But what do you do when your spouse won't leave her lover? What if she won't move to another state? I have recommended two approaches to this problem. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]The first approach that I often recommend is to compete with the lover. Even as she is seeing the man, try to meet her needs, financially and emotionally. That approach has the advantage of proving that you care more about your wife than her lover does. Since you have more to lose than the lover (your family unit and present way of life), you can usually outlast the lover. He eventually finds someone else with less baggage. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]The problem with this approach is that it is emotionally draining. You are giving her all you can, and getting very little in return. Besides, most people are totally overwhelmed by the image of their spouses in bed with someone else, and feel more like killing their spouses than meeting their needs. Some can't follow this plan at all and most people can't do it indefinitely. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]As a compromise, I usually recommend a time limit for this approach, say six months. Then, if no progress is seen during that period of time, switch to my second approach. This plan is described in chapter 13 of [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]His Needs, Her Needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3] ("How to Survive an Affair"), and takes the position that marriage is a contract that assumes mutual need fulfillment. When one spouse has an affair, the contract is broken. I recommend that you not only stop meeting your unfaithful spouse's needs, but you should avoid contact with her entirely until she is willing to abandon her lover. When that happens, you return to my first approach, to pull out all the stops and show her that you are willing and able to meet the needs met by her lover. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]When you begin with the first approach to the problem, and then switch to the second, it has the advantage of your wife remembering you as a thoughtful, caring person right up to the day that you pulled the plug. It is very important for her to know that you really care about her, but you simply can't take the pain of knowing she's with another man. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]When you first learned about your wife's affair, you were probably very uncaring and disrespectful. You may have criticized her, made [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]disrespectful judgments[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3], and lost your temper. If you leave her after those ugly scenes, all she will remember is what a jerk you are, and she won't be very tempted to come back to you. So you must leave her with proof that you care for her, and that you also respect her judgments and opinions, however painful they are to you at this time. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]That's what the first approach to your wife's infidelity achieves for you. It gives her an opportunity to remember you as a kind and generous person right up to the day you leave. But from that day on, you meet only those needs that the law demands (financial), and you should have no contact with her until she ends her affair. When she returns to you it should be with the understanding that you may move as a family to avoid the temptation to return to her lover. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]My second approach is risky, because leaving her can throw her into her lover's arms, but the alternative is for her to vacillate between the two of you for years to come. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]The advice you were given, for her to continue to work with her lover, almost always leads to disaster. My experience with thousands of couples that have had affairs leads me to the conclusion that the lover should never be seen again. The temptation to return to the affair is simply too great for most people to resist. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]What about future relationships? How can you ever trust anyone again? Before you marry anyone else, try to follow my [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]Policy of Joint Agreement[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3] (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), meet each other's most important [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3], and follow my [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]Policy of Radical Honesty[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3]. If you and your future spouse are comfortable living together under those conditions, you have nothing to fear in marriage. You will also be convinced that your first marriage would have been affair-free if you had done the same in that marriage. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]No one will marry you unless you meet at least some of her [/sIZE][sIZE=3][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional needs[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3]. But after you marry, if you don't meet her needs, she or anyone else you would marry, will be vulnerable to an affair. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]I will leave you with another important point. I've already expressed my conviction that after an affair is over, there should be no contact between a spouse and his or her lover. But there is a related issue that is often ignored. When you marry, neither you nor your spouse should have any contact with any of your previous lovers. Anyone that you've ever loved is a temptation for you, and has the potential of re-igniting your feelings of love. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[laRubiaBonita]

you do get brownie points for trying to forgive and move past.

 

have the issues that *ahem* "drove him to cheat"(yeah right)... have they been resolved? or has this new issue taken center stage?

 

IME~ my ex cheated twice, no sex..... the first time i tried really hard to forgive him, that and the fact that he worked with the girl, saw her all the time... and wanted me to befriend her, but i never could get over the fact that he had lied and abused my trust.

we were living together when the first incident occurred... i moved out a few months later, though we remained together.

 

then i caught him, again, sparking interest in an old gf of his, via the internet.... that was the last straw. i do not even think they had met up yet, but his intentions were to do so.

 

And this ex, he was the guy i would not have guess in a million years he would cheat. yet he did, and twice.

 

i did try to salvage the relationship, just for the sake of it.... i knew this was not "the one".... i should have let him go after the first discression. but instead it just slowly drove me from him.... i began to detach.

 

It is up to you, SGE, on how you handle it. Good luck!