Are we ever going to get married?

[Guest]

My honey and I have been dating for five years. We've lived together for four of those years. Our relationship moved very fast at first (after dating only a few months he was talking about "one day" getting married and we started house hunting together. The house is in his name only but I pay some of the bills. We both share chores and both work full time so its a pretty equal partnership. Both of us were engaged to other people before (me for two years in a another five year relationship- that I ended and him in a 2 year relationship that was ended by his fiance.) Right after we moved in together (after being together a little over a year) he asked me what I would say if he wanted to get engaged. I told him to just ask me but I would say yes. this was right before Christmas and he kept telling me "I am going to ask you really soon" and he never did. I didn't push the issue. In 2004 he went out and bought me a ring. He told me this. He said he was waiting to propose. He never did. We would talk about it, fight about it and he woudl just say it wasnt' hte right time. I made him take the ring back (to get his money back before the 90 days was up) In January 2005 he went out and bought another engagemetn ring and said he wanted to get engaged but was going to suprise me. It never happened. On New Years day i found out that my best friend (and last single friend at the time) was proposed to by her boyfriend of 4 months the night before!!! I was happy for her but devastated because my boyfriend of 4 YEARS hadn't asked me yet. I was so upset that he said "well I want to marry you I just have to get a different ring" (he said the old ring was bad luck and he wanted to get me a different one.) When I'd bring it up he'd say we fight too much to get married or engaged right now. Well since then my sister (6 years younger than me) has gotten engaged, my close friend at work- who's boyfriend was just divorced a year earlier got engaged, my boyfriend's sister got married, and my 17 year old cousin has gotten married!!!! All to people they've been dating less time than I"ve been iwth my boyfriend!! I am getting so frustrated. I've wanted to leave but feel like i"m giving up on a good thing. About two months ago my boyfriend went and exchanged the old engagement ring (that he never gave me) for a new one, He spent a lot of money on the new one (he told me) so I thought he was serious. HE even told his sister that he was going to ask me before thanksgiving!! That made me excited because I feel so left out as I'm almost 30 and ALL of my friends are either married or plannign their wedding. My boyfriend's ex has even been married twice in the time we've been dating!! At first his excuse was he'd been hurt in the past and was afraid to get engaged again. then it was that we argue too much (maybe three times a month) Do you think he is just messing with my mind? Why won't he just propose??? is he waiting for something better to come along? I don't see what hte big deal is because we already live together, share expenses and responsibilities so its not some huge change.

[Mirage222]

Hi Guest, Have you actually seen these two rings he previously bought for you?

 

I think he is playing with you, just my opinion. Basically **** or get off the pot already. Worst mistake you made was to "buy" a house WITH him and not be on the deed... he considers you a live in girlfriend that RENTS from him... the house technically is ALL HIS.

 

I don't think he is waiting for something better to come along... just that he already has life with you how HE wants it... Sorry but true..

[Guest]

Hi Guest, Have you actually seen these two rings he previously bought for you?

 

Yes, I have seen the two rings, I havent seen the latest but I know he did buy one and I know how much he paid for it, not that it matters. I didn't pay anything for the house and I don't pay rent either. I just help out with bills- electric, cable etc and we split grocery costs. I don't want my name on the house until we get married (if we do). I just don't understand why he would go thru the trouble of getting a ring and telling his family if he wasn't going to follow thru? Besides its already like we're married so it can't be a fear of committement thing.

[adnCat]

I totally understand your frustrations! My boyfriend and I have been together even longer than you guys. I've been passed-by by so many friends and family members. I'm a couple years younger than you, so about 1/2 of our time together was when I was in school. I would say I've been serious about getting married for the last 4 years, which would put me on par with the point you are at.

 

One thing working on my side is the fact that we do not live together. I didn't want to move in with him until we were married. I have seen in couples that live together that it often slows things down. If you can move out, maybe you should.

 

Like you, we've had a low point (earlier this year) where I thought it was going to happen and he might have insinuated that it was. He was not dangling rings in my face, but we would talk more about it, and he'd ask me my ring size and ask what kind of rings I liked. We ended up having a few fights because I would feel like I was constantly bringing it up. I didn't want to bring it up and have it to happen right after, because I want it to sort of be a surprise. Well, as much of a surprise as one could get after 8 years of dating.

 

Anyway, after some serious talks with him, I'm confident it is going to happen. So I try not to bring it up now, and trust that in due time I'll get the 'surprise' proposal I've been waiting for. That is how I feel most days.

 

BUT... there are days when I've heard about another engagement (like a friends) that I feel down about it. I just feel left out and passed by and it is not a nice feeling. Those days I think about the fact that I cannot wait forever.

 

We have a good thing going, but I cannot wait forever. The problem is waiting 6 months isn't so bad. But then after that 6 months, another 6 months isn't so bad. So a line needs to be drawn. I have a date, a deadline. On that date, if I have no ring on my finger, or no proof that it is going to happen (for me, this would be knowledge that he has purchased a ring. I know he would not buy one unless he was really going to propose), I will say to him, as diplomatically as possible, without tears or sad goodbyes, "I love you, but you knew I could not wait forever. You said last summer that the next step would happen soon, and it has been just over a year since then, so I'm ending this relationship. I need you to refrain from contacting me for the next month, as I really need time away from you right now. If you decide one day that you are ready to get engaged or married, I hope I will still be available." This isn't meant to be a threat or an ultimatum, as I don't think there is room for those types of things in any relationship. This is a decision that I have made for myself, if it gets to this point, make no mistake- it isn't a speech like "marry me or else I'm leaving," I will be leaving him.I think this is the type of thing that happens, and 6 months later, the guy is engaged... to somebody else. If that happens, it will, #1, hurt like hell, but, #2, allow me to realize that he was hesitating because we were not meant to be, and I was right to leave him.

 

Hopefully, when next August rolls around, we will be golden. But if we aren't, I'll have to end it. Until then, I just want to have fun with him and live in the moment and not worry about the future, because worrying about it doesn't help the situation at all.

 

So my suggestion is to move out if possible, draw a line, and just enjoy the relationship day by day until then. Good Luck!

[Guest]

[ I think this is the type of thing that happens, and 6 months later, the guy is engaged... to somebody else. If that happens, it will, #1, hurt like hell, but, #2, allow me to realize that he was hesitating because we were not meant to be, and I was right to leave him.

 

I agree that I am terrified of this for some reason. I just see me leaving him and him suddenly finding someone else and proposing to her and all I am going to have going thru my mind is "what was so wrong with me that he didn't want to be engaged/married to me?" And that is going to hurt. Yes, if we are not right for eachother or someone cheats and the relationship is over than I could accept that. but to just walk away and then he picks up with someone else right away would just tear me up.

 

We are a good couple and yes I agree we should not have lived togehter. If I ever go thru this again I will NOT live with the guy until we are at least engaged. I always thought living together was a good idea (i lived with a previous fiance') and it led me to learn many things about him and figure out we weren't compatible. So I agree that I shouldn't be living with my bf because it makes it too easy for him. But I don't think moving out will make him propose. And I want it to be soemthing that comes from his heart. Not something he does because he feels forced or misses me. Good luck to you!

[norajane]

Guest, if this guy was talking about marriage to you after a few months, buying rings, and never actually asking you to marry, he might be commitment phobic. Even if he does ask you and finally gives you one of those rings he keeps buying, he may never set a date, or it may keep getting postponed.

 

Do you know why his fiancee broke off their engagement? Could it be because he never agreed to a wedding date?