i feel like i dont know anything anymore

[Guest]

Hey

 

So i've been going out with one of my friends for 8 months now. He was the first to show interest, and I didn't really see him as anything more than a friend at the time, but then I realized that I did like spending time with him and we started dating. And it's been great. We have a mutual respect for each other and have fun because we were friends before our relationship started. We both have our problems and secrets, but we're pretty open with each other about everything.

 

that's the good news.

 

just about ever since we've been dating i've gone through these phases of up and down about him. some days i'm all 'wow, i love him so much, and that's all that matters', and some days i'm all 'but WHY do i love him? is it just because he loves me and i'm grateful for the attention? am i just in love with the idea of being loved and not with him?

and that's been a pretty regular thing. and through it all, even though i questioned why, i knew i loved him. but now i'm at college and he's back home. i saw him a few days ago for fall break, and until that point i missed him a lot, thought about him constantly and counted down the days til i could see him. and then when i did see him...i was glad to finally be with him, but for some reason i didn't feel the 'wow, i love you' spark. i still wanted to be close to him and hug him and stuff, but it was just like my emotions were turned off. and i felt really conscious about everything i was doing for some reason. for example, we had a "real" kiss for the first time over break and it was nice, and i felt like i could have stayed in it forever, but i felt like my heart wasn't in it. and it scared me, because i've never felt a real lack of any emotion before towards him. and now i'm back at college and i really can't decide how i feel about him. i've heard/read that this is normal and eventually i'll sort it out, but i hate waiting and not knowing. i really don't want to break up with him, but right now i'm not sure why i'm with him in the first place if i dont love him. but then i remember that i did at some point, so that means there must be something there. and i'm still wondering if i really loved HIM or just the idea that someone loved me.

i don't know if this 'lack of being in love' is just a phase, or if it means i'm moving past the infatuation stage to the long-term attachment stage, or if it means i'm out of love with him completely. basically i'm really emotionally messed up right now and any help would be greatly appreciated. thanks.

[rckt365]

I'm not sure I have an 'answer' for you but a story that in some ways relates to yours and why I think that 'thinking' about it - is the root of the problem.

 

About 2 months ago - I met and started dating a girl that lives 2000 miles away. I went and visited her for a week, then 4 weeks later she came and visited me for a week. In this time we'd spent 184 hours together and it was a the best 184 hours I've ever spent with anyone in my life, we enjoyed each others company thoroughly, and it was terribly painful to say goodbye - especially knowing that at best we wouldn't see each other for two months. We are both busy, communication of any kind is tough, tougher because we are both crazy about each other, and really miss each-other. For me its so bad I'm actually having real trouble getting anything else done - aside from thinking about her.

 

And there in-lies the problem; the more I THINK about her, about us - the more I wonder if it's HER that I'm so crazy about ... or if it's the fun we have together ... or if on the days that I don't think about her/or I think about someone else/or I wonder if this can really work/if she's REALLY so great, and if the fact that EVERY day I'm not so completely nuts about her that I was on day whatever ? ... is EXACTLY when (and I think WHY) I forget what it is that I liked so much about her in the first place ----- when really THAT hasn't changed.

 

I'm not going to tell you to stop thinking about it - because I know all too well (from my own experience) that, that's next to impossible.

 

I say enjoy the good times you have together, and more importantly enjoy remembering what it is that made you so fond of him in the first place.

I'm with you on this one ---> the fear of NOT loving/caring for our s/o someday is in many ways creating it's own self-fulfilling prophecy ! If someday you come to the conclusion (that you don't love him) decisively - then at least you know that you enjoyed the time you did spend with him - to its fullest. I mean what more can we ask of any relationship ?

[Guest]

thanks for your help. i do think i'm over-analyzing a little. i'm an extremely logical, everything-has-a-cause person, so you can expect that the whole 'love' thing in an of itself is a little weird to me because i can't explain it. hope everything works out for you guys!

[everlong]

hi guest,

 

from reading your post, it just sounds like you have a lot of your plate. sometimes when your life gets busy with work or school or whatever, often the first thing/person that takes a back seat is the person you love. and why is that? because you feel safe and secure and know you are being supported with your own interests. however, the down side to that is sometimes people take that for granted. and instead of realizing that person was 'supporting' you - we side step that fact and wonder 'geee, do i love him/her?" while neglecting the fact that you have been 'focussing elsewhere' and doing so with their support.

 

just a thought.

[kismat]

just about ever since we've been dating i've gone through these phases of up and down about him. some days i'm all 'wow, i love him so much, and that's all that matters', and some days i'm all 'but WHY do i love him? is it just because he loves me and i'm grateful for the attention? am i just in love with the idea of being loved and not with him?

.........

 

i don't know if this 'lack of being in love' is just a phase, or if it means i'm moving past the infatuation stage to the long-term attachment stage, or if it means i'm out of love with him completely. basically i'm really emotionally messed up right now and any help would be greatly appreciated. thanks.

 

 

AHH this is my problem too!!!.. i'm in a similar position, except that i've gotten further into the relationship, and feel like i have invested so much now.. i am completely in love with my bf, but sometimes it just feels like its fading, and i question whether i love him, or whether i love spending time with him, and i just love the idea of being in love with him and being in the relationship... its such a scarey thought, and i've been confused about it for the past month or so!

 

i'm curious to hear what other ppl have to say to you.. i don't think it has to do with you being busy or anything like that.. b/c i'm going through the same thing, and haven't really had any huge changes in my life..

 

i'm wondering if it has to do with the 8 months you've been together, thats about the point i started questioning it... maybe after a while, we just start to question how real it is since we're getting deeper into it? maybe you're just sort of analyzing to force yourself to think about it and make sure you sincerely do want to continue?

[sweetguy16]

i think my g/f is going through the same thing being so far away that i have just been put on hold. we just broke up cuz she didn't know if she wants to be in a serious relationship anymore, which came out of nowhere. she said that she is not looking for anyone else, but is this just a way of her letting me go easily? i love her to death but how long should i wait for her? is this her way of saying that she wants to see other ppl or not?

 

what do you think since some of you are going through the same things as her?

[Guest]

i think my g/f is going through the same thing being so far away that i have just been put on hold. we just broke up cuz she didn't know if she wants to be in a serious relationship anymore, which came out of nowhere. she said that she is not looking for anyone else, but is this just a way of her letting me go easily? i love her to death but how long should i wait for her? is this her way of saying that she wants to see other ppl or not?

 

what do you think since some of you are going through the same things as her?

 

 

hey. like i said, i've been going through lots of ups and downs lately, and i think they've been aggravated by all the changes going on. there's distance, new people, new experiences, new everything. i've actually considered breaking up with my boyfriend a few times over the past 2 weeks just because i really didn't know if i loved him anymore.

your girlfriend is probably going through something similar. it's scary, thinking that you've got mutual love and everything is great and then waking up one morning and feeling nothing. i don't know what your guys' situation is exactly, but if she's anything like me, she doesnt really need space, she just needs time to figure things out.

 

since my post, i was really upset that i felt like i didnt love my boyfriend anymore, but then one day this feeling slowly came on that was like 'what am i thinking? of course i do!', but then when i woke up the next morning i felt completely neutral to him again, and now it's been about 2 days that i've felt love for him again. it's really confusing. chances are that she broke up with you because she was afraid of hurting you later. if you guys stayed together while she was still questioning it and then she discovered a few months down the road that she really didnt want to be in a relationship, she probably thinks it's better to stop it now to save you from bigger heartache later.

 

if you really care for her, i'd just let her know that you still want to be together, but understand that she's probably really distressed right now and mad at herself because her feelings (or lack thereof) are ruining a perfectly good relationship and she can't do anything to control them. at least that's what i felt.

 

of course, it could also be that she really does want to branch out and meet other people and doesnt want to be tied down, which is common. if she said she's not trying to meet other people, she might just be testing the waters. personally, i like having someone that i can call and say 'i love you' to every night. it can be hard to maintain the relationship, because i've been away from him for so long that i've almost forgotten why i love him in the first place, i just know i do. and since he's not there to remind me why, it can be tempting to start seeing other guys. i'm not suggesting that your girlfriend is emotionally shallow or that she'd pick up some other guy right away, but she's probably got a lot running through her head right now.

 

as far as how long you should wait for her...however long seems reasonable. don't give yourself a limit and say something like 'if she doesn't tell me she wants to be with me by this date, i'm done', but i wouldnt give up on her yet, just like she probably hasnt given you up completely yet. but if you ask her in a few months and she says she's sure she doesnt want to be with you...it's your call as to whether you want towait and see if she'll change her mind or move on.

 

haha wow that was really long. hope it helped.