Excuses... (a vent)

[hotgurl]

There was a long time poster here named Tudor who doesn't come back too much lately but he once told his wife "I'm going to be having oral sex- I hope it will be you that's sucking my *ick" or something hilarious like that.

 

Yeah and after he said that she did start giving BJs for a while.

[carmaenforcer]

hotgurl, I have tried what TUDOR did, jokingly, seriously, but my Wife always fronts as if she doesn't care and then later comes the insecurity and over compensation showing that she is freaking out inside.

[hotgurl]

hotgurl, I have tried what TUDOR did, jokingly, seriously, but my Wife always fronts as if she doesn't care and then later comes the insecurity and over compensation showing that she is freaking out inside.

 

But does it work long term? I think for him it worked for like an month or so and than back to same old same old.

 

Really I have no idea why people think it's ok to deny thier partner sex.

[carmaenforcer]

But does it work long term? I think for him it worked for like an month or so and than back to same old same old.

 

Really I have no idea why people think it's ok to deny thier partner sex.

 

No hotgurl, I didn't clarify it but it doesn't work at all. What I ment by over compensating is that she will buy me a video game or a DVD out of the blue, stuff like that. Maybe she will surprize the crap out of me by going down there as if she'd going to do something but she just pushes stuff around for like 10 seconds, NOT KIDDING, and then lays on her back ready to be pleasured. I swear I could just throw up I get so upset.

 

She's been promissing to give me head on my birthday at the end of this month but then she also told me that she couldn't finish me off. CAN'T WAIT!

I'm not holding my breath.

[hotgurl]

No hotgurl, I didn't clarify it but it doesn't work at all. What I ment by over compensating is that she will buy me a video game or a DVD out of the blue, stuff like that. Maybe she will surprize the crap out of me by going down there as if she'd going to do something but she just pushes stuff around for like 10 seconds, NOT KIDDING, and then lays on her back ready to be pleasured. I swear I could just throw up I get so upset.

 

She's been promissing to give me head on my birthday at the end of this month but then she also told me that she couldn't finish me off. CAN'T WAIT!

I'm not holding my breath.

 

Oh I thought you meant overcompensating sexually.

That is really horrible fankly no oral sex would be a deal breaker for me. MY BF feels the same way so we both get plenty of oral when we do have sex.

 

Which lately isn't a lot.

[Flyin in Clouds]

stoopid_guy

 

Most on here advise against cheating...

 

But in a way you are already cheating because you aren't being honest with your wife. You are cheating her by not letting her know your true feelings and the depth of the hurt you are in. You are not telling her you are so frustrated that you've contemplated cheating or divorce. And why? No man that loves his wife wants to hurt her. That's noble but in the long run it is hurting both of you. So out of fear you'll make things worse or not wanting to hurt her you simply keep it all inside - which is damaging you.

 

That's not going to work. You'll either live in misery the rest of your life, or you'll cheat and hope she never finds out cause if she does it will likely end in divorce, or you divorce, which will hurt her. So unless you are strong enough to bear all the pain in this relationship sooner or later she's going to be hurt.

 

You have to decide 1) is your wife worth the effort, 2) is it possible to fix your marriage. You want more than just a hand job out of marriage. You want a woman that returns your affection in an intimate way. Right?

 

If she is unwilling or unable to change her behavior then you have to decide whether to stay unhappy, cheat, or divorce.

 

If she is willing to change, and it won't be easy, then you have to decide if the effort is worth it to save the marriage and if not, then cheat or divorce.

 

Not many recommend the cheating option because of what it will do to you. You will have done something you know is wrong, but you justified it because of your wife's mistreatment of you, which you also know doesn't make your cheating right.

 

Does your wife love you? Does she enjoy seeing you suffer? Does she know she is causing you real pain? Would she care if she did know? Is she totally heartless? Do you think she wants to hurt you?

 

One of the problems you face, because I faced it and our situations are similar, is convincing your wife that your need for sex isn't just about satisfying yourself. That it is really important to you, as a man, to be able to satisfy your wife sexually, and what hurts you the most is knowing you just don't light her fire anymore. Isn't that really it? That hurts even more than the tease. There isn't any difference between looking at some porn or looking at your wife naked, feeling her up a little and then rolling over and whacking off. That's not what a guy wants. Having sex with a disinterested partner just doesn't do it.

 

 

When I got to this point with my wife, I told her what I thought my options where. Change nothing and be unhappy the rest of my life, cheat, or divorce if we didn't get our sex life back on track. And of course some people here said, that was like raping her, forcing her to have sex or else. No it was telling her the consequences, as honestly as I could, of her not wanting me anymore. Her initial reaction was "you just want an affair". Like someone once told his wife "I'm going to be having oral sex- I hope it will be you that's sucking my *ick" I told my wife essentially the same thing. Yes, I'm going to have an affair, I want the woman to be you, but if you decline to be my mistress then I'll find someone else. Let me know honey if you want to apply for the job, OK? I think she eventually saw the light... If just once in a while a wife would play the role of a mistress - a wanton woman, a little slutty, a little wild, a little mysterious, coy but catchable, ... instead of just the wifely "ok, we're married, do me in the missionary position, please get it over with quickly..."... Women seem to forget they have many roles to play. One is wife - prim and proper, a respectable lady, another is mother, and all to often they seem to forget about playing the role of lover, of seductress. I want my woman to fill all those roles, not just some of them.

 

I don't want my wife to just suck me off to satisfy me if she really doesn't want to have anything to do with sex. That's not enough. I want her to want sex with me. And if she doesn't then I want to know that and I want to be free to find a woman that does want sex - with me... that enjoys me doing her. It's got to be a mutual thing or it is simply no good. That's why for me, hiring a whore wouldn't be any different than masturbating. Just using a woman's body to get my rocks off isn't what I'm after in a relationship with a woman.

 

And stoopid_guy you have to accept her telling you things you may not want to hear. But if both of you love each other you need to be honest with each even if it cause the other pain. She may tell you the reason she doesn't want sex is because you have never lit her fire, she never experienced an orgasm with you, and that you are just lousy in bed. For her it's all work and no fun. If that's her problem you have a lot of pride to swallow and a lot of work to do.

 

But you have to tell her what this lack of sex is doing to you and ask what if anything she is willing to do to fix it.

 

I'd start any conversation off with something like "What I'm going to say may hurt your feelings, but we have to be honest with each other even if it hurts the other person. Things that have not been happening in our marriage are really hurting me and I've kept it inside, because I didn't want to hurt you. I love you and I'm afraid of making things worse between us, but I have to say these things even if it does make things worse. I need you to understand - really understand - how much pain I'm in and the damage that is doing to our marriage."

 

As the man you need to take responsibility for your relationship and for your wife's happiness. Do you think allowing her to remain in a relationship were she can't express affection and intimacy is healthy for her? We all need to both receive and give affection. And the giving is just as important as the receiving. Isn't she being deprived of the joy of giving affection? Is that good for her? Isn't she missing out on an important part of life? And if she can't give to you, wouldn't you want her to find someone else for her sake? Don't you care about her? I'm sure you do. And living this way isn't any better for her than it is for you. If you are a man don't let this bad situation continue one minute longer for her sake and your own.

 

Hope some of this helps. I think I understand pretty well what you are going through. You have to help your wife to more fully enjoy her life. Do you honestly think she's getting the most out of life that she could? There is a difference between simply being "not unhappy", and finding real happiness.

 

I hope you can fix your marriage. Good luck.

She didnt say she didnt care, she just said she was tired.

OH, come on... we guys have heard all the excuses... tired? headache? If you have a headache for 6 months it's a medical problem. See a doctor... No that is simply a cop out and there is a deeper issue. I'm betting she sees sex as just something she has to do for him. As a chore. Not as something that is vital to have a mutually satisfying relationship. If saying I'm too tired isn't also "I don't care about your needs dear" then I don't know what is. How about first thing in the morning? Too tired then too? Come on... she's not too tired, that's just the excuse she's using to avoid sex.

 

start with lots of "i feel" statements, not "you" statements (a councellor's gonna tell you that anyways).

And use "us". "I want us to enjoy sex, both of us. I want you to enjoy it as much as I enjoy it. I would also hope you could enjoy it even more than me. I feel terrible that I can't light your fire anymore, that I can't drive you into a state of such ecstasy that you are in another world... I wish I could give you such pleasure that you would literally want to wear me out.. "

 

But does it work long term?

Only time will tell. But is there really any other option than to try?

[Flyin in Clouds]

No hotgurl, I didn't clarify it but it doesn't work at all. What I ment by over compensating is that she will buy me a video game or a DVD out of the blue, stuff like that. Maybe she will surprize the crap out of me by going down there as if she'd going to do something but she just pushes stuff around for like 10 seconds, NOT KIDDING, and then lays on her back ready to be pleasured. I swear I could just throw up I get so upset.

 

She's been promissing to give me head on my birthday at the end of this month but then she also told me that she couldn't finish me off. CAN'T WAIT!

I'm not holding my breath.

 

 

Well do you tell her that a game or DVD isn't what you want? That stuff can't even compare to really good head?

 

Is better sex important enough to you for you to tell her that her sucking sucks? That's she's lousy in bed and you are sure many women are better than she is?

 

Or are you avoiding hurting her feelings?

 

You know retraining these women that have been told that the only thing that matters in life is getting their needs met and men really aren't important or necessary so it's OK to ignore a man's desires isn't going to be easy.

[Mz. Pixie]

 

When I got to this point with my wife, I told her what I thought my options where. Change nothing and be unhappy the rest of my life, cheat, or divorce if we didn't get our sex life back on track. And of course some people here said, that was like raping her, forcing her to have sex or else. No it was telling her the consequences, as honestly as I could, of her not wanting me anymore. Her initial reaction was "you just want an affair". Like someone once told his wife "I'm going to be having oral sex- I hope it will be you that's sucking my *ick" I told my wife essentially the same thing. Yes, I'm going to have an affair, I want the woman to be you, but if you decline to be my mistress then I'll find someone else. Let me know honey if you want to apply for the job, OK? I think she eventually saw the light... If just once in a while a wife would play the role of a mistress - a wanton woman, a little slutty, a little wild, a little mysterious, coy but catchable, ... instead of just the wifely "ok, we're married, do me in the missionary position, please get it over with quickly..."... Women seem to forget they have many roles to play. One is wife - prim and proper, a respectable lady, another is mother, and all to often they seem to forget about playing the role of lover, of seductress. I want my woman to fill all those roles, not just some of them.

 

I don't want my wife to just suck me off to satisfy me if she really doesn't want to have anything to do with sex. That's not enough. I want her to want sex with me.

 

Good post.

 

Yet, I see nothing wrong with her WANTING to please him another way since she was tired. The issue is she's tired all the time!! Geeze, I go up the wall if I don't have sex at minimum every three days!

 

She doesn't want to please him.

 

She doesn't get the connection for him between sex and acceptance and love.

 

He's married to this woman, the one woman he chose to be his partner for life- last sex partner, etc. And she denys him that- when he's sworn to only have sex with her- well that's just wrong on so many different levels.

 

So, she's wrong as well too- and she needs to know she's pushing him into other things- such as an affair.

[JamesM]

SG, everyone here is giving you advice as to how to get her to give you more sex...except I think you should first try to focus on WHY she is the way she is. Yes, I know she should be taking care of your needs, but she won't. So, it is up to you to try to fix her. live with it or leave. I say first let us try to fix it. Since she won't do it, you should at least try.

 

Reasons why she may not want sex..

 

1. She was sexually abused as a child. It could be a family member or another child or adult. She may never have told you. Was sex good at the beginning? Even if it was, many victims have flashbacks etc. when they reach their thirties and forties. This sexual abuse will get in the way of her enjoying sex. I know. When my wife gave in to sex when she didn't want it, she felt like it was "rape."

 

2. She no longer loves you. She may say she does, but this may be a friendship love and no more. If I remember, you do not hug and kiss much, do you? Your relationship is a platonic all the way kind....yes? She is staying with you for the daughter's sake, and refuses to face her true feelings.

 

3. She has had or is having an affair. When the time was that she quit having sex...what brought it about? She works long hours, correct? If the affair was in the past, she may still carry regret and guilt over it. If it is a long term affair, she may love this other person (man or woman), but want to stay together for your daughter. I have often wondered if this was part of my wife's "problem" also...but I have found no evidence.

 

4. She is a lesbian. Don't laugh...it could be true. Does she have any close girlfriend(s)? Does she go out with them alot? Again, this would explain why a man's touch does nothing...even if it did before.

 

5. She has a medical condition that prevents her from even wanting sex let alone enjoy it. My wife's thyroid condition really killed her libido. She did not even enjoy kissing. Any affection was put on, and she was afraid I would want more. Sometimes she would let me play with her or have sex with her, but she was not there. She could not even pretend to enjoy it, nor could she do it for me. Unfortunately, my wife would never have thought that this was the problem, but when I presented her with the info, she did look into it.

 

6. Her job really does make her tired. I assume she never complains that you do not help her. How many hours does she work in a day or week? Is her job one that deals with the public....hence she has to be nice all of the time?

 

6. And it could be that she truly does not love sex anymore. The only reason she did before was that she wanted a child or children. Did she ever have a miscarriage? Was her labor with your daughter hard? Is she afraid yet of getting pregnant? (I know there is birth control). And it could also be that you do nothing for her. I am sorry...I did not mean to be harsh or hurt. We are trying to find out reasons. Did she way back when you still had sex ever complain that you went too fast, slow, did the wrong things, etc?

 

7. Sex hurts. She mentioned that she was dry recently. Has she ever had pain during sex? Was she a virgin when you married her? Did you have sex prior to marriage?

 

8. Sex is dirty. How was she brought up? Was she promiscuous? I know that is the opposite of the question above...I am trying to get every angle. Has your daughter ever accidently come into the room while you were doing it?

 

9. She thinks you are or have cheated on her. She may for some reason think YOU have cheated. Then this image of you with another woman is in the back of her mind. Have you ever watched porn..alone? with her?

 

And I am sure there are other possible reasons. Having been where you are...and truthfully, not completely out of the woods...I know that before giving up, you wil be a better person for exhausting every possible reason. Despite the popular belief by many men here, I think you would feel better in the long run...divorce or cheating...that you did everything you could to fix it. I know in the past you said tried everything, but there may be something that could be tried yet. I think there is hope, because you are here.

 

Now, let' get to work.

[stoopid_guy]

Last night I went to bed early and fell asleep. I don't even remember her coming in.

 

One that I am surprised that no one has mentioned is MAYBE YOU ARE GOING TOOOOO SLOOOOOOWLY! I know that you want to please her and want it to be a memorable experience, but perhaps you could try starting off with getting to the main event sooner. Foreplay is WONDERFUL - I ain't getting any of that these days - and I don't want to suggest that you should ultimately settle for sex of a sort you don't prefer...but if she seemed willing then got "tired" maybe it was because there was TOO MUCH foreplay, and especially considering her personal lack of desire, it was getting well, tiresome. I am not saying this is the case, just offering food for thought. I think the immediate goal should be to get her through an entire sexual experience and see if that helps get her back in the saddle sooner.

Faster might be worth a shot. (Nothing to loose...) When things were good though, it frequently took her a while to get "warmed up" and I enjoyed the anticipation as much as the act itself too. Considering the time without, this almost seems like a new "seduction" process to me.

 

 

As therapy progressed the focus turned from how to fix the marriage to how to get out of this marriage..

Hmmm... I hadn't thought about it from that angle...

I'm just not sure how counseling would help the marriage though. It would have to teach her to want intimacy, or me not to want it, or me how to get her to want it. (over-simplifying?)

 

 

You should have rolled over and masturbated LOUDLY.

Yeah! And call out some other woman's name when I cum! Might get her thinking... <evil grin>

 

A blowjob or handjob would have taken only a few minutes of her time and apparently you haven't been worth that to her in ages.

That's the thing, I wonder why I should even try. She doesn't seem to care. What bugs ne to is that she says she does, but doesn't act like she does.

 

She may have an underlying issue, but the simple fact of the matter is that you're going to have to give her a wake up call. Anger is an emotional tool, and it's meant to be used to set boundaries, not suppressed. Getting angry isn't "bad". Too many people are raised to suppress thier anger. It causes nothing but problems in life.

Part of my own problems; When we're not together I think of what's happening and get mad. When we're together though the anger just isn't there, all I want to do is hold her. I just feel sad and miss what we used to have. I don't want her to be sad or afraid that I might cheat. Guess I need to learn to get over that.

 

If my husband ever said that he was going to have an affair or divorce me, I'd have begged him to divorce me first. Please kill me first before you tell me you love another woman. Infidelity is a soul destroyer. I'm giving you fair warning that if you cross that line, it will inevitably shatter all the intamacy in you like a bomb. You'll do and say things you'd never imagine.

No argument there. The good part is that it might force us to bury a love that's already dead. There IS that finality to it.

 

i hope that you don't want her to do something she isn't comfortable with - i can't imagine it would be very satisfying to have her give you a blowjob knowing that she's hating every second of it, and i suspect that might aggravate the problem and make her feel worse about herself than she already does.

No, I don't want her to do anything she's not comfortable with, I don't want her to anything we haven't done many times before. I also don't think she feels bad about herself now, but if she does I want her to tell me.

 

i know how important sex is in a relationship, but maybe you can use a word like "intimacy" so that it feels and sounds closer to the heart. if she loves you then she will want you to feel wanted, she won't want you to feel pain and rejection, and hopefully she will be open to fixing the issues you're facing. start with lots of "i feel" statements, not "you" statements (a councellor's gonna tell you that anyways) and that's a good place to start. she can't deny how you feel, and maybe she'll use some of her own and you'll be let in a little.

Good advice. I think that's what got her thinking last weekend. Several times when we were talking she said "I love you," and I told her "I know you love me, I just don't feel like you do."

 

As the man you need to take responsibility for your relationship and for your wife's happiness. Do you think allowing her to remain in a relationship were she can't express affection and intimacy is healthy for her? We all need to both receive and give affection. And the giving is just as important as the receiving. Isn't she being deprived of the joy of giving affection? Is that good for her? Isn't she missing out on an important part of life? And if she can't give to you, wouldn't you want her to find someone else for her sake? Don't you care about her? I'm sure you do. And living this way isn't any better for her than it is for you. If you are a man don't let this bad situation continue one minute longer for her sake and your own.

It's hard to say, but I have no clue how I'd be keeping her from expressing affection. Something else to discuss with her.

 

All;

 

Much to consider...

 

I think I will go ahead and get "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. I'll read it, and reading is almost an addiction for her too, so if I took every other book out of the house she'd almost have to read it.

 

Maybe I should start thinking of our relationship more like I would a business negotiation. That doesn't feel right, but hoping/expecting her to do things "just because" does not work either. I still can't imagine myself threatening to cheat if things don't improve though.

 

Sometimes I really wonder if she simply considers intimacy a means to an end. She has a husband, she doesn't want more kids, so maybe she simply sees no reason for it. If her only reason for it is keeping a husband, I don't want any part of it.

 

I'll try again this weekend. First, maybe quicker, less foreplay. I'll also be tempted to say "OK, it's not worth it to either of us then. Goodnight" at the first excuse she gives, roll over, and take matters into my on hand.

[stoopid_guy]

SG, everyone here is giving you advice as to how to get her to give you more sex...except I think you should first try to focus on WHY she is the way she is. Yes, I know she should be taking care of your needs, but she won't. So, it is up to you to try to fix her. live with it or leave. I say first let us try to fix it. Since she won't do it, you should at least try.

 

Reasons why she may not want sex..

 

1. She was sexually abused as a child. It could be a family member or another child or adult. She may never have told you. Was sex good at the beginning? Even if it was, many victims have flashbacks etc. when they reach their thirties and forties. This sexual abuse will get in the way of her enjoying sex. I know. When my wife gave in to sex when she didn't want it, she felt like it was "rape."

 

Don't think so, haven't asked, but will.

 

2. She no longer loves you. She may say she does, but this may be a friendship love and no more. If I remember, you do not hug and kiss much, do you? Your relationship is a platonic all the way kind....yes? She is staying with you for the daughter's sake, and refuses to face her true feelings.

 

Possible. I want to know, and that's what her actions are telling me.

 

3. She has had or is having an affair. When the time was that she quit having sex...what brought it about? She works long hours, correct? If the affair was in the past, she may still carry regret and guilt over it. If it is a long term affair, she may love this other person (man or woman), but want to stay together for your daughter. I have often wondered if this was part of my wife's "problem" also...but I have found no evidence.

 

Affair extremely unlikely. We quit after a miscarriage (at about 12 weeks.) She felt terrible about it and I didn't push things for a couple of months.

 

4. She is a lesbian. Don't laugh...it could be true. Does she have any close girlfriend(s)? Does she go out with them alot? Again, this would explain why a man's touch does nothing...even if it did before.

 

I'll ask, but no specific female friends she "hangs" with.

 

5. She has a medical condition that prevents her from even wanting sex let alone enjoy it. My wife's thyroid condition really killed her libido. She did not even enjoy kissing. Any affection was put on, and she was afraid I would want more. Sometimes she would let me play with her or have sex with her, but she was not there. She could not even pretend to enjoy it, nor could she do it for me. Unfortunately, my wife would never have thought that this was the problem, but when I presented her with the info, she did look into it.

 

No clue, and I wish she'd talk to her doctor. She does take care of herself and has regular physicals though.

 

6. Her job really does make her tired. I assume she never complains that you do not help her. How many hours does she work in a day or week? Is her job one that deals with the public....hence she has to be nice all of the time?

 

Actually, she just started her first full-time job since we got married a couple of months ago. She seems really happy with it. It was a reason I hoped she might feel interested again.

 

6. And it could be that she truly does not love sex anymore. The only reason she did before was that she wanted a child or children. Did she ever have a miscarriage? Was her labor with your daughter hard? Is she afraid yet of getting pregnant? (I know there is birth control). And it could also be that you do nothing for her. I am sorry...I did not mean to be harsh or hurt. We are trying to find out reasons. Did she way back when you still had sex ever complain that you went too fast, slow, did the wrong things, etc?

 

She gave me feedback, and I adjusted. More often, it was too slow. Occasionally, she'd cum twice, so I'd try to "last" long enough for her to do that.

 

7. Sex hurts. She mentioned that she was dry recently. Has she ever had pain during sex? Was she a virgin when you married her? Did you have sex prior to marriage?

 

She wasn't a virgin, we practically lived together a couple of years before we got married.

 

8. Sex is dirty. How was she brought up? Was she promiscuous? I know that is the opposite of the question above...I am trying to get every angle. Has your daughter ever accidently come into the room while you were doing it?

 

She's more inhibited than some. Before we met, she didn't like receiving oral but I managed to change her mind. She would occasionally give oral, but not to completion. I have no problem with that though. Kid's never interrupted.

 

9. She thinks you are or have cheated on her. She may for some reason think YOU have cheated. Then this image of you with another woman is in the back of her mind. Have you ever watched porn..alone? with her?

 

She has no reason I know of to think so. Yes, watched porn alone and with her.

 

And I am sure there are other possible reasons. Having been where you are...and truthfully, not completely out of the woods...I know that before giving up, you wil be a better person for exhausting every possible reason. Despite the popular belief by many men here, I think you would feel better in the long run...divorce or cheating...that you did everything you could to fix it. I know in the past you said tried everything, but there may be something that could be tried yet. I think there is hope, because you are here.

 

Now, let' get to work.

 

Any thoughts are welcome.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I still can't imagine myself threatening to cheat if things don't improve though.

OK, don't go there, just explain how frustrating it is for you and ask her what she thinks you should do? Suffer in silence?

 

If you are going to continue to try to engage in sex without frist finding out why she's avoiding it I think you'll fail? She obviously doesn't want it. Why doesn't she? You have to solve that first before you can get to third base, let alone score.

[Guest]

Have you explored depression? Very common in post-menopausal women. As is thyroid trouble, it seems.

 

It's also a reason for her to ask her GYN for something that might help the situation too, which she doesn't want to do (Embarassed.)

 

Oh. Give. Me. A. Break. There could not be a more juvenile attitude. Gynos have to shove their hands up bleeding, childbirthing women's vaginas to grab kids covered in guck. They see all sorts of problems. What is this woman - 13?

Call her on that one. It just does not wash.

 

Find her a few dozen articles online about women with low libido and what they can do about it. Find an old Oprah show on it if she likes Oprah. Maybe she thinks she's the only woman who's ever had the problem or something.

[luvtoto]

If I were in that situation, I would still try to make myself happy. Well, technically...sortof, I am in that situation. I have been single for yeeeears. But, yet I am still sexually satisfied. His name is Mr. Dildo.

 

Dang, Stoopid, bring some excitement back!! If not for your wife, at least for you. NO need to cheat or damage your life. If your wife sees how much fun you are having getting off on your porn movies/mags and your pocket pussy...she might get into it too!

 

She is just bored. She might get a little jealous of all the fun you are having with your toys.

 

Remember, cheatin' or divorce...NOT good idea.

 

Just look at this as a sexual challenge. If she misses it, then show her what she's missing.

[TUDOR]

But does it work long term? I think for him it worked for like an month or so and than back to same old same old.

 

Really I have no idea why people think it's ok to deny thier partner sex.

 

Long time I know...but for the record it is still going strong and happy to report getting BJs on a regular basis which is partly why I haven't been on LS in a while voicing my frustrations.

 

Best word of advice is to make it known that your wants and needs are important and that if your partner doesn't elect to acknowledge that, then not getting what you want isn't half the problem you have in your relationship.

[stoopid_guy]

Have you explored depression? Very common in post-menopausal women. As is thyroid trouble, it seems.

She gets depressed/stressed occaisionally (don't we all?) but I don't think it's clinical. It might be worth looking into though.

 

Last night, I did ask her if she'd had her thyroid levels checked. She said she had and they were OK.

 

If I were in that situation, I would still try to make myself happy. Well, technically...sortof, I am in that situation. I have been single for yeeeears. But, yet I am still sexually satisfied. His name is Mr. Dildo.

Believe me, "Rosey" and I have a great relationship.

 

Masturbation releases sexual tension, but it doesn't make you feel needed, it doesn't make you feel that someone cares.

 

Just look at this as a sexual challenge.

That it is. The question is when do I take my balls to a different game.

 

What frustrates me most is that she's not even trying. Our daughter was at a party last night. It would have been the perfect time to talk, but every time I brought the subject up she quickly changed it. She did finally agree to talk to her doctor, though it might have been just to throw me a bone. We shall see...

[everlong]

"I will never understand how women can deny thier husbands sex and then expect them to be faithful."

 

there are a few quotes in here about 'owing sex' or how when sex becomes a problem that it somehow is a justification to cheat. how in the world does that make any sense? what kind of 'reasoning' is that? not to sound harsh but how shallow do u have to be, how selfish must one be to actually state that a lack of sex in a relationship is a deteminate factor that justifies infedility? weird man. think about this, what the hell are you gonna do when you are 77 years old - you think yer sex life will be freaking amazing and everyday? is it just me or has society lost track of treating people as human beings? is everyone / everything simply an 'object' to be used?

[lindya]

I still can't imagine myself threatening to cheat if things don't improve though.

 

I think your instincts are spot on. To talk about something as sensitive as this effectively, you need a safe, trusting atmosphere between you. Any hints that you're thinking of finding someone else to sleep with will just sabotage that, create arguments and inhibit useful discussion. If she's avoiding sex because, for instance, she feels stressed and/or unattractive, then the prospect of you looking for someone else to have sex with really isn't going to create the best forum for open discussion.

 

It does seem, though, that it's time to be a lot more direct in saying "this is a major problem for me. I'm not going to keep touching you if you're only going to find ways of rejecting me. It's distressing for me, and I'm sure it must be uncomfortable for you. Something's gone wrong here, and I don't know how to sort it, but I'd be willing to go for counselling if that would help. What I won't do is allow you to just keep brushing it under the carpet."

 

Then (and I think this is crucial) tell her you're going to give her some space for a couple of weeks. Space doesn't mean you leaving the house or anything drastic like that. It just means not raising the subject (either verbally or through physical attempts to get close). Make it clear to her that she needs to use that space to really think about how she wants to deal with this situation - whether that means an appointment with her doctor, setting up couples counselling or giving you a clear message that she just wants a celibate lifestyle now. The last scenario would, if nothing else, help you to make a more informed decision about what to do next.

[stoopid_guy]

Thanks Lindya.

 

I've tried the "space" thing before with no success, but maybe didn't make it that clear why I was doing it. I told her "striking out" with my own wife was too frustrating, and when she was ready, let me know. Ten years later...

 

I am trying not to put her on the defensive.

[lindya]

Thanks Lindya.

 

I've tried the "space" thing before with no success, but maybe didn't make it that clear why I was doing it. I told her "striking out" with my own wife was too frustrating, and when she was ready, let me know. Ten years later...

 

Oh God, I'm sorry

 

I am trying not to put her on the defensive.

 

No, I think it sounds as if you've approached this as supportively as possible.

[Sup]

OK, I have read this entire Thread. How old are both of you? Your wife gives WAY too many excuses to not have sex. How long have you two NOT had sex? Possibilities?

 

1. If it was for 14 - 15 years, or even less than that, she may have had an affair and had gotten pregnant with OM's baby, and this has been haunting her. In which case you may want to get DNA testing on your daughter, this MUST be done privately!

 

2. Your wife had an affair and acquired an STD, which she doesn't want you to know about, or infect you. That would also explain the reason why she doesn't want to go to the gyno doctor. They WOULD know.

 

3. Your wife had an affair, and doesn't sleep with you intentionally, in hopes that you will have an affair, to get what you need/lack, and by doing so, equals out the playing field, so to speak. So then you could NEVER say anything about her affair. People think this way.

 

4. There are disorders out there too, personally take her to the doctor to get her checked out!

 

5. She's in the middle of an ongoing affair for years, and is too tired to have sex with you. I would set up a keylogger on your computer, check her cellphone, cellphone bill useage, home phone useage, credit card statements, what she buys, sexy underwear etc., even her car mileage, if possible. It's VERY important that you do this one VERY quitely, DON'T accuse her of cheating, gather evidence quitely.

 

But, don't cheat on her.

[Mz. Pixie]

"I will never understand how women can deny thier husbands sex and then expect them to be faithful."

 

there are a few quotes in here about 'owing sex' or how when sex becomes a problem that it somehow is a justification to cheat. how in the world does that make any sense? what kind of 'reasoning' is that? not to sound harsh but how shallow do u have to be, how selfish must one be to actually state that a lack of sex in a relationship is a deteminate factor that justifies infedility? weird man. think about this, what the hell are you gonna do when you are 77 years old - you think yer sex life will be freaking amazing and everyday? is it just me or has society lost track of treating people as human beings? is everyone / everything simply an 'object' to be used?

 

The reasoning is that when you marry someone you pledge not to have sex with anyone else- only them. Then, that person denys you that part of themselves for a bunch of selfish reasons.

 

So, here you are married- you are not allowed to have sex with anyone else but your spouse- in this case the wife- will not even take five minutes to give him any type of release when it's been ages since she has??

 

Come on, what about this scene is right in your mind?? Because by golly, he's stuck with her- he can't have sex with anyone else- but yet she won't give him what he most needs.

 

Sex is the primary emotional need of most men. Notice I didn't say physical- I said emotional.

 

Of course when he's 77 he may not be interested in sex as much- and life changes when you are that age. It may be more about companionship at that stage. And that's fine.

 

But right now, it's about his number one need not being met.

[rble618740]

First, I need to let you know that I do not condone one partner "holding out" in terms of meeting their spouse's physical needs. Your wife may have no control over her level of desire, but she has control over the level of effort she puts into correcting an obvious problem.

 

Second, I did not read each and every response to your post so I hope my advice is not repetitive.

 

One thing in your post struck me. You mentioned not knowing if you'd try again the night you posted because she had shot you down. You also mentioned feeling teased.

 

Perhaps the first step in the process is to have some physical interaction with no expectation of sex. I have heard some of my female friends talk about resenting what they perceived as their husband's expectation of sex as the result of all touching. Some of the responses to your post make me believe that this problem has gone no so long and she's gotten the physical interaction with no sex - but what about the expectation? Does she always feel that you expect sex from her if you're caressing her and touching her in bed? That could be a damper. Again, I'm not condoning a sexless marriage - I just think at this point - the how to fix it is more important than finding blame.

[StayClose]

The reasoning is that when you marry someone you pledge not to have sex with anyone else- only them. Then, that person denys you that part of themselves for a bunch of selfish reasons.

 

So, here you are married- you are not allowed to have sex with anyone else but your spouse- in this case the wife- will not even take five minutes to give him any type of release when it's been ages since she has??

 

Another way of putting it is by borrowing the old addage "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

 

You can adapt it to this sutuation by asking "Why make an agreement to get milk from one cow exclusively when the cow may arbitralily stop giving milk?"

[DSD1972]

Originally Posted by JamesM

3. She has had or is having an affair. When the time was that she quit having sex...what brought it about? She works long hours, correct? If the affair was in the past, she may still carry regret and guilt over it. If it is a long term affair, she may love this other person (man or woman), but want to stay together for your daughter. I have often wondered if this was part of my wife's "problem" also...but I have found no evidence.

 

Your Response

 

Affair extremely unlikely. We quit after a miscarriage (at about 12 weeks.) She felt terrible about it and I didn't push things for a couple of months.

 

 

I think you really need to explore how that miscarriage has affected your wife. Obviously you stopped having sex shortly afterwards and it appears it has never returned. She probably has serious unresolved issues with the miscarriage and sex may bring those issues to the surface somehow.

 

It looks quite possible that she has not dealt with the emotional baggage left in the wake of the miscarriage. A miscarriage can cause all sorts of emotional problems for women if they are not dealt with from the start. It may have caused much more harm to her then your aware of. It's a very delicate situation but counseling is certainly in order if this is the root cause. Have you not had sex since the miscarriage? She may have somehow reframed he perception of sex after the miscarriage thinking that sex led to one of the worst experiences in her life and now wants nothing to do with it. It's crazy sometimes how someone will look so differently at something after a major event in their life.

 

If this is the majority of the cause then she has the responsibilty to seek therapy to deal with those issues. Since you both went through the same tramatic experience both of you could go together. Even though you may have dealt with this experience years ago it may help you to understand how it has affected your wife. People have miscarriages everyday and don't do a 180 in their marriage when it comes to marrital intimacy. She has completely avoided everything that surrounds that event in her life and now she must acknowledge that approach is creating serious problems in your marriage and may lead to divorce.

 

I know she doesn't want to re-live that experience all over again but that is the only way she will move past it. At 12 weeks this was like loosing a 1 yr old in her mind. She must go through the grieving process completely and until she does she will keep looking at sex as the cause of that horrible experience in her life.

 

I feel for you but you must find the source of the problem before you can begin to find solutions. I think this may be the source.

 

I wish you luck --- don't cheat or you will regret that for years.