mother is beyond control

[It's_Me_Again]

I don't know where to start, but always had problems with my mother as long as I can remember. I am currently 21 btw. Just the things she does bother me so so much. Let's try to start from the beginning. She's always been over protective for as long as I can remember. When I was about 7 or 8 I went for a bicycle ride around the block, which took a whole 4 minutes. When I got back she yelled at me all day and night and almost physically twisted my ear off. I was finally allowed to go out with friends by the age of 12. When she found out that a friends mother took us to the Legion to play pool she came to the Legion and made a huge scene which involved yelling at my friends mother in front of a huge crowd of people and physically dragging me out. Then when I was about 16 I had my first "bf". when he first dropped me off after a late night she proceded to come out of the house in just her nightgown questioning who he is. Also throughout the year when I'd seem and upset and wouldn't tell her what was wrong she would call my bf several times a week to ask him what was wrong with me. Eventually the bf and I broke up but she still continued to call him and happily let me know that he was engaged. Basically any friends of mine that she has seen she will call up and act as if they're her friends too. I keep trying to tell her to back off but she never listens at all. Even now at 21, I am sort of seeing a guy. Each time I come home and don't seem too happy she messages him online asking him whats going on, and if I get upset with her over that she messages him again telling him off that it was somehow his fault for telling me. She keeps arguing that I'm picking sides yet she's not really even giving me a choice. But each and every time I wanna go out on dates or have a guy pick me up she throws a tempertantrum and either starts crying if I try to ignore her or she starts calling me a whore. I moved out on my own for awhile until she got involved again. She kept getting involved with my neighbor who was suicidal saying he needs counselling, when he expected the same treatment from me he somehow got offended which led to us fighting which led to him pepper spraying me. I had to call my mom from jail to come pick me up and when I told her the reason all she said was "well I knew u guys were gonna try fight each other eventually". Then when I got back my landlord was waiting for me and of course I got evicted and had to move back home. She still continued to talk to the guy who pepper sprayed me since he was her "friend". So lately I have been trying to get into school plus trying to look for a job. But she's not being supportive whatsoever, she'd rather find the bad in everything. She's also putting me down each chance she gets by either talking about the past guys I dated who ended up cheating on me, or my weight, or how well my brother is doing compared to me. Each time I try to set her straight she always says that I'm on drugs or I don't know what I'm talking about or I'm being too sensitive. Then she goes and cries to either my brother or her doctor saying I'm mentally abusing her so the doctor ends up keeping her in the hospital for a few days. So then when she gets out she has something to once again complain about to either my brother again or any family members who happen to call within a month. She's been diagnosed by the doctor that she has depression and diabetes type 2. I swear she has undiagnosed bipolar or borderline personality disorder of some sort. Each time tyr to help her she does nothing but yell at me saying she's lead a rough life which is why she is the way she is. But she always listens to anyone else who offers her advice. But basically I don't know what else to say. My father isn't in the picture, hasn't been since I was born. Cause of my mother. I've been very tempted to commit suicide on more then a few occasions. Still to this day taking it one day at a time. I can handle when she lashes out at me, I've basically become numb to it. I just don't know what to do about when she keeps calling my friends or lashing out at my bf's. I'm really sorry this is such a long post but I just needed to get this all off my chest. Any advice anyone can give me will be greatly appreciated

[blind_otter]

In the future, please use paragraphs. I didn't read the whole post but scanned as best I could.

 

I swear she has undiagnosed bipolar or borderline personality disorder of some sort. Each time tyr to help her she does nothing but yell at me saying she's lead a rough life which is why she is the way she is.

 

This is a real possibility. I had lifelong problems with my own mother. It culminated when I was about your age, a little younger. We stopped speaking for an entire year. She said I was "dead to her".

 

Part of growing up is realizing that your parent is just like anyone else, a flawed human being. They do the best that they can, but given her "rough past", and the fact that she was a single mother -- her tool kit for parenting may have been rather small. Her tools were obviously not very effective or positive for you.

 

But you seem OK, look at the big picture. You are still here. She is obviously hurting very much -- people do not project such negativity unless they feel that same level (or GREATER) of negativity within themselves.

 

Try to cultivate compassion for her. If she picks at you, just smile and tell her that you love her.

 

It took me several years to accept my mother. But even though it sucks, and it isn't fair -- at this point, it is what it is.

 

This is what you have to work with.

 

My father WAS in the picture. He is dying of terminal lung cancer. My mom spends every waking moment by his side, a devotion of love that takes my breath away to witness. I see the beauty in her, now. I have to LOOK for it. I can be sitting with her next to my Dad's bedside and she will still pick at me and say hurtful things. But I look at her, smile, and tell her I love her.

 

With that message I acknowledge that she spoke, but I refuse to focus on the negative. That is what is within your power -- to pick and chose what to focus on.

 

Lead by example, It's Me....show her your acceptance and love. She will come around. You are so young yet.....

[It's_Me_Again]

I may be 21 but I feel 70 lol I dunno I just feel as if I was robbed of my childhood. I have 2 much older brothers, 36 and 32. I'm also the only girl but each and every day and for years to come my mom will always try to run my life, I just wish she'd let me find out things for my own. It's hard for me to show love, to her or anybody. In my own relationships I've had and still have severe intimacy issues. I can't even remember the last time my mother and I have hugged or told each other we love one another. I'm guessing maybe when I was 4 or 5.