TheCube Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Hi everyone, To give a quick bit of background, I have been best friends with my friend Jamie for about five years. I've always had feelings for her, and I feel in many ways, those feelings were mutual. However, she had been through a few relationships during those five years. During each of those relationships, I told myself that as long as she was truly happy, then I was truly happy for her. Unfortunately, each of her boyfriends did some emotional (and, in one case, physical) damage to her. Her most recent breakup came a little over three months ago; almost out of nowhere, he said he "couldn't handle a relationship" anymore. At the time it was happening, she called me for support, which I gave to her 100%. Since then, we started hanging out more and more...sometimes two or three times a week, whereas we previously would get together maybe once every two weeks. During that time, my feelings grew for her more and more, and I truly felt hers were growing for me as well. I finally asked her out to dinner one-on-one about three weeks ago, which we did. A couple hours before the dinner, she sent a private message to me on MySpace, pointing out that a friend left her a comment saying, "Have fun on your date." Once I had that acknowledgement that she felt it was a date, I became more sure than ever about where things were headed. The date itself went very well; no fireworks persay, but we just had great conversation as we learned more about each other. We hung out a few more times since then, still having a great time together. However, I did notice that something did seem to be bothering her...almost as if she was getting somewhat distant. I asked her out to dinner again for Wednesday night, which we did. Going into the dinner, I was about 50-50 as to whether or not I was finally going to tell her how I felt. Well, when the time came, I did just that. I told her at the outset that she was my best friend. I also assured no matter what the outcome of the conversation was, she was still going to be my best friend. But I told her how much my feelings grew for her. Bear in mind that, even at 24 years old, I never in my life bared my soul like this. I also told her that no matter what, her happiness was the most important thing to me, even when she was in those other relationships. She then told me that she is still deeply hurting from her last breakup, and she doesn't want to hurt me as she's working through those issues. She repeatedly said that was the "nicest and sweetest person" she ever met. As she was talking, she often said things like, "If we decide to start dating..." or "If we do enter a relationship someday..." that she would want to make sure everything was right. She then said, "As I'm processing through everything, I'm finally realizing that I'm tired of being with jerks and I need to be with someone like you." She also said she had no idea I felt this way, but that she was incredibly appreciative of the fact I was able to come out and say it. We talked for a little bit more, both reassuring the other that this conversation changed nothing in terms of our friendship. Then, for about two or three minutes, we just looked at each other. We would look, nervously laugh, acknowledge that our faces must be bright red...and then just look again. I never in my life experienced something like that, as I've honestly never been in love. It's obviously too early to say I'm "in love" with this girl, but those few minutes made me feel a way I never felt before in my life. I did send her an email when I got home that night, thanking her for her honesty. I also told her that as she's figuring these things out, the most important thing is for her to believe in herself for the amazing person she is. I purposely made sure it wasn't some advertisement for her to start dating me; I assured her that she can take all the time she needs and that I am here for her on any and all steps in that recovery process. So despite all that, I still feel conflicted as I'm processing through things. On one hand, she repeatedly used the aforementioned phrases indicating that we could certainly enter a relationship someday. On the other hand, my confusion lies in the fact that we have become so close (and flirty) in the past three months. Could all of that still happen if she was still struggling so much from her previous relationship(s)? I'm so happy I was able to finally tell her how I felt after so long; but now, I'm just trying to sort through everything to determine whether or not what happened on Wednesday night was a "good thing." Thanks in advance, John Link to post Share on other sites
hopeto Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 There should be more like you!!!! so a suggestion to you is that when you have children and you have a boy that you need to teach him to be opena nd just as loving. I will tell you this. YES there can be open flirting with you even though she is going through a rough time WHY? because you make her complete. you are a friend that she loves deeply and is confortable when you are around. she probly will need some time to think about the issue you threw out all the feelings and so forth cause she is lost in confusion already and is not sure she wants to hurt you by starting in a relationship with you that she is not really even over the other guy. I will tell you this though if you are willing to wait and you are her best friend it will work out. she will see you are all she needs and will come around. you cant help who you fall in love with and because she has had a relationship before finding out how you feel it is had for us as women to just turn the emotion off and on. I would say the majority of us (there are a few who take the cake and could care less who,what and when feelings are hurt)love unconditional and it is a deep love and even if it is unhealthy for us we still cant seen to let the bad go till all and I mean all hope is gone. I hope it all works for you and I will send a prayer your way that you have the girl in your arms and will hold her for your hole life. and she will hold you. HANG IN THERE. I am not saying wait forever but at least wait a little while but in the same breath I say that dont let a good thing pass you by if she is wishie warshie for a long time and even gets in another relationship. p.s. this will change things. it will change cause now that you have told her how you feel and she says she just wants to be friends there will be hurt on your part and it will make you fell things you have never felt before and you will have resentment towards her and then she will feel a little unconfortable because she will see it. but you can overcome it................. Link to post Share on other sites
avoj Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Listen don't put your heart into it. Take it from me. Read my story. My friend and I have known each other for over a year. However we ended up having sex on multiple occassions. I heard the same thing you heard from your friend. Now she doesn't have those feelings for me at all, she tells me. This is what will happen. You will mention again your feelings for her in 2 -3 months. She will tell you sorry but I was confused at the time b.c i just got out of a relationship. You should have seen the red flags then. I thought I had feelings for you, but they weren't real b.c i was confused due to breaking up with my ex. She will say what were you thinking knowing i just got out of 2 relationships back to back and never had time to heal, ect. Then you will be confused, hurt and feel like a big ass. Here is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97055/ Link to post Share on other sites
everlong Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 hey cube, just throwing ya out some encouragement here. from the sounds of it, i think you both have the makings of something special. you both sound respectful and supportive and are not 'moving' until both are on the same page. i think your story is very romantic. best of luck. i believe things will work out for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
maoserr Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Be careful she's not using you for a rebound relationship. But hope for the best from people eh? Link to post Share on other sites
obsession Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 I think you did a great thing by telling her. Not everyone have the courage to bare their emotions to other people. Don't wait forever, but don't give up just yet. She didn't say "I only see you as a friend", so there is still some hope. Even if nothing happens, at least you can take and learn from this experience and you can move on... You did well. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 I'm have been in love with my best guy friend for 2-3 years (that was few years back) and told him how I felt. He gave me EXACTLY the same answer as this girl gave you. The he would definetly date me someday, that he needs to make sure he worked through his issues, that he wants things to be 100% right, that he knew if we got together things would be very seirous between us, that he likes me etc. After that, we did have few make out sessions but never a real relationship. Now we don't talk anymore. I just have a really strong feeling that this girl is letting you down easy. Anything but a clear yes is a NO. Link to post Share on other sites
kimba Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 the whole issue is in something she said- something like " i should stop going out with jerks " . Some women (and i used to be one of them ) are only attracted to men who treat them badly. Until she grows out of that, or , until you turn into a jerk, she won't be going out with you. My feeling is that you are an absolute angel and she ain't into nice guys. I'd say you need to find someone who is, because i get the feeling she is going to be going out with a few more jerks before she wakes up and sees whats right in front of her for the taking. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Noos Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I think that no one is ever so damaged or confused about an ex-relationship that they can't tell whether they like another person enough to clearly state that a relationship will happen in the future, for sure. Especially given that you know her so well. I think it was a gentle let down because she doesn't want you to think she's a bitch by saying NO. She is using you for emotional support and an ego boost while recovering from her recent hurt. You're her security blanket. I've seen this plenty of times. You don't want to be in a position where you provide all the emotional support to this girl while she dates guys other than you. It hurts - I've been there doing the supportive role. That one of her friends wrote good luck on your date suggests that she has discussed it with her friend and that they discussed it being awkward and her friend was openly mocking said date. She is using you. Get out now and find a girl who will appreciate you - not as a fall back option but as the main event. God, I hate princessy girls like this. There are plenty of nice girls around waiting for you to ask them out and also wondering why you buy into the high maintenance drama of girls like this one. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Good that you got it out of your system, but classical nice guy i assume you are, not that its a bad thing. IMO, the last thing to do is confess feelings to a girl. Especially if they have no intention of reciprocating. From what i've experienced and seen, close male-female friendships just wind up being backburners, either emotional and/or physical. When things dont go right or they need someone for an ego rub and a call to meetup/talk occurs. She's using you and you are her backburner when things dont go right with her. If you truly want to escape 'the zone', i'd advise you to decrease contact and barely see each other. or cut contact completely for a few months...no doubt she will attempt at contacting you. When that time comes, make your move. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 TheCube, You did it ! Your feelings are out in the open, now. You can't go back, and undo the past. Embrace the future, as best as you can, even IF the outcome is rejection. You opened up your heart, as a best friend. You shared your deepest desires, as a best friend. You will stand by her side, no matter what happens as a best friend. Throughout all this, you stayed true to yourself. However, you must understand the worst is yet to come. IF she does reject you; (1) You will have to stop flirting with her (2) You will have to push down all your feelings, to nothingness [until she completely confirms with you, there will never be a "we"] (3) You will have to grasp the reality of your life, and understand that you will have to sum-up the courage to move on -like a man. You have a long road, ahead of you. You, only, you can accept the truth and strengthen yourself for the future. In the end, all this heartache will payoff. Once you are over the toughest part of the phase, you will find peace again. I believe you did the right thing. Time is a precious gift. Warm Regards, Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts