time to throw in the towel?

[404]

After swearing off dating and such in order to seriously pursue one of my hobbies, I began what I sincerely intended to be a strictly platonic email interaction based on mutual musical interests with someone I ran across on a forum I killed time on.

She's thousands of miles and an ocean away.

 

After a few months however, I began feeling like something was slowly building between us. It remained unspoken.

Shortly thereafter, she responded positively to someone flirting with her on the forum. I couldn't tell if it was playing or more, but I was anxious, gutted.

I had no idea how deeply my interest had developed unawares.

Someone even mentioned in the midst of the flirting that her and I had something going on, though I had never told anyone else.

Still feeling utterly confused, I said nothing.

From then on I have felt stabs of anxiety when I interact with her.

A few other similar minor incidents have occured.

 

Some mutual appreciation has been expressed between us, but nothing explicit has been said. I can be a bit rigid and remote when I get interested and have trouble expressing my feelings.

Instead I end up making a lot of stupid jokes.

I did once half-serious express interest in going to see her, but I got an equally cryptic joke response.

I haven't been as open with her as I would like.

Thus, I'm not sure I have clearly enough expressed my interest.

 

This far along I'm uncertain of how to definitively express my interest in a way that isn't overwhelming or awkward, or even if I should at this point.

 

I have several times in the past month or two toyed with sending her a confession (note: NOT the L word), but reconsidered at the last moment.

 

Now we're at about the 5-6 month mark and things seem to be getting a little awkward, more time goes by between emails, and she's still playful with this guy on the forum, but I can't tell if theres more to it.

We do chat a few times a week on the IM.

There is still some innuendo in our communications.

I still quite dig her, but unsure of what is going on now.

She is in my thoughts frequently.

 

All of my other relationships have been in person, so I don't have a lot of familiarity with the protocols of meeting via the net.

 

Any feedback, questions or advice on how to get this back on track, or otherwise would be appreciated.

[everlong]

not usre if this is good advice but i would just relax...go with the flow....as soon as you 'force' things you always end up where u didn't wanna be...so, no expectations, equals, no pressure...what happens - happens

[BabyPhoenix]

Since you are not even aware if she has any feelings for you, nor have you even met in real life yet, I would say put an end to your relationship now– to avoid all temptation of a long distance relationship.

 

Yes, I know, how romantic of me, right?

 

But consider this: you are talking different countries (unless you are in the continental US, and she is in Hawaii or the like). If this gets serious, you are talking about visas, endless legal immigration hassles which could potentially take YEARS. Not to mention smaller but significant matters of money expenditure, culture differences, family ties being broken etc, and the general extreme stress of the distance.

 

It’s a nice thought, but think this through. Carefully.

 

Look before you leap.

[Sand&Water]

404,

 

I do believe, you should continue to talk to her as you regularly do. No pressures, no expectations, and definitely no mentions of future plans.

 

You have to think about this, logically: Do you like her -in a romantic way? OR Do you just see her as a close friend?

 

I think, IF you greatly like her then wait it out. After the one year mark, check back with your feelings. IF, by then, you develop stronger feelings for her, then discuss it with her. IF you wish, send her a simple and short e-mail confronting her about your feelings along with her feelings. She might be flattered! [You never know]

 

Make sure you understand the implications of a long-distance relationship.

 

Just my $0.02 worth of thoughts.

Sand&Water

[404]

404,

 

I do believe, you should continue to talk to her as you regularly do. No pressures, no expectations, and definitely no mentions of future plans.

 

You have to think about this, logically: Do you like her -in a romantic way? OR Do you just see her as a close friend?

 

I think, IF you greatly like her then wait it out. After the one year mark, check back with your feelings. IF, by then, you develop stronger feelings for her, then discuss it with her. IF you wish, send her a simple and short e-mail confronting her about your feelings along with her feelings. She might be flattered! [You never know]

 

Make sure you understand the implications of a long-distance relationship.

 

Just my $0.02 worth of thoughts.

Sand&Water

 

That's pretty sensible.

I just felt a bit threatened by the flirting and as I said was surprised at my feelings. They are on the romantic side.

Though I understand the distance thing, I don't want to get thrown into the friends pile or her to move along because I don't appear interested.

 

I'm not at all crazy about LD, but this took me completely off guard.

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

I'm not at all crazy about LD, but this took me completely off guard.

Me too. I mean, I am in a similar situation -except with a few other issues on top of the standard long-distance scenario.

 

You have to make up your mind. You decide, because sooner or later the truth will hit you like a speeding freight train.

 

The type of flirtations you are experiencing occur when you least expect it. Lay out your interest to her, and don't beat around the bush -per say - IF you want her to pick up on your romance [or rather, your romantic intentions/vibe/interest].

 

Hope it is for the better.

Sand&Water

[404]

Reply:

 

Me too. I mean, I am in a similar situation -except with a few other issues on top of the standard long-distance scenario.

 

You have to make up your mind. You decide, because sooner or later the truth will hit you like a speeding freight train.

 

The type of flirtations you are experiencing occur when you least expect it. Lay out your interest to her, and don't beat around the bush -per say - IF you want her to pick up on your romance [or rather, your romantic intentions/vibe/interest].

 

Hope it is for the better.

Sand&Water

 

Generally in my experience, laying things out like that sort of kills things, though I would like to just do it.

I think she may have been sufficiently interested in the past, but now I'm not getting quite as positive of a vibe.

Also, if she's flirting with other dudes, I'm thinking it may be too late for me to say anything anyway.

Plus the emails are getting farther and farther apart used to be (3-4 days now it's about 7), though that began after we started chatting recently.

Perhaps too much steam has been lost here.

 

That flirting thing really hit me surprisingly hard and made me lose my nerve.

I used to be quite funny, and a regular poster on that forum but now I'm just a shadow.

I can barely think of much to say to her or anyone anymore.

 

How would you suggest expressing my interest unequivocally, but also not overwhelmingly?

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

Here are a few ideas, to toss around in your mind. Let me point out that, the woman is a real human being, and not an idea to toy with.

 

Generally in my experience, laying things out like that sort of kills things, though I would like to just do it.

 

Fair Enough. However, what IF she is waiting for you to make a move. Six months is a long time. There is one male friend of mine, who -til this day - has not spilled his guts out to me. It has been several months. Don't you think I am disappointed?

 

I think she may have been sufficiently interested in the past, but now I'm not getting quite as positive of a vibe.

 

Do you expect her to show interest in you for the rest of her life. A woman's emotions do fluctuate. She will be capable of being content with a platonic relationship if that is the end result.

 

Also, if she's flirting with other dudes, I'm thinking it may be too late for me to say anything anyway.

 

The fact, that she is flirting with dudes doesn't makes her a hopeless pursuit. She is single [ -or I hope she is], hence singletons have the right to flirt with anyone [unless you have a problem with that].

 

Plus the emails are getting farther and farther apart used to be (3-4 days now it's about 7)

 

It could be she is getting restless. She has maintained a strong connection with you -so she sees no need to constantly e-mail you every day.

 

How would you suggest expressing my interest unequivocally, but also not overwhelmingly?

 

Drift away from the usual "How was your day? Day-to-day chatter". Incorporate unusual topics, and frequently ask for her opinion. When a man asks a woman for her opinion in regards to a certain object/issue/idea, it suggests that he cares about her thoughts, likes and dislikes. Thus interest is shown.

 

Try to revive the connection, you and her once had. IF all else fails, and you don't see any change -then you have just made another friend.

 

Good Luck,

Sand&Water