HUMMINGBIRDLOVE Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Does anyone know of a site,book,or just something to put on the mirror to look at everyday I just need to get ME back in general I have been in a marriage that was no good for my self esteem he broke me down in every way possible I am very insecure with my looks even though people tell me I am pretty I now am in a loving relationship with a younger guy than myself and am very insecure I feel I cant compete with young girls now a days becouse the main focus is on skinniness and big butts and boobs I know it sounds dumb but it is everywhere and I am so tired of it He tells me he loves me and is with ME but in my head I think he wants someone like what is advertised everywhere I know it is a self esteem prob so I dont need to be told that I just need something to help me boost mine I also have poor me syndrome I feel like the world is against me and everyone else is happy and I am just stuck in a rut and cant get out I dont have alot of support no family few friends thanks to my ex but ... thanks for listening Link to post Share on other sites
everlong Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 "I have been in a marriage that was no good for my self esteem he broke me down in every way possible" first of all, i am sorry you went thru something like that. and no-one, i mean no-one, deserves to have that happen to them. i think if you search for exterior ways to 'heal' yourself they will not fully help because you feel this way because of what he did. the best way to 'get over' this is to show this cad, in a positive way, that you are not broken - and you can do that simply by thinking of the ways he made you feel bad about yerself and doing the things that 'prove to him' that he may have 'bent' you but he didn't 'brake' you. the important thing to remember, is its always the one that hurts and belittles that has the problem...there's nothing wrong with you...so, if he was mean, or made u feel unattractive, or stupid...whenever u see him, treat him politely, buy some great new clothes, and take that new man of yers on a vacation...and enjoy yerself...the best way to feel better...after that...is to not spend any more thought-time on this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 You need to change your internal dialogue. I'm pretty insecure with myself too, but most of it is brought on by myself. It's what I tell myself over and over and over again. Pay attention to what you are telling yourself. I bet some of those things you'd never tell your worse enemy, yet, you tell yourself. You need to stop it when it happens and give yourself compliments. You need to tell yourself you are pretty. You need to look at yourself in the mirror and believe it. It's all in your own head. And the sad thing is, what we fear we create. So if you fear your bf will go for a younger woman, you'll constantly ask him for reassurance, and he'll eventually get tired of it, and will leave you for another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
everlong Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 hi dg, just noticed where u live 'in my igloo' - that is so canadiana! as fer the reassurance thang...bang on....goes fer men and women...if someone is already giving you that..and you keep asking...they are going start thinking....holy cow! what more does this person want! and doing so makes the person already giving reassurance start to question whether of not the other is actually 'paying attention' my suggestion is this - next time someone needs 'false reassurance' - sit them down and give them the manual '10 easy ways to not to make a relationship work.' and you might even have to read it to them! lol Link to post Share on other sites
Ross_K Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Okay, the web page doesn't seem to be around anymore, but it's saved onto my computer, so I've copied and pasted it for you, Be True to Yourself, 20 ways to boost your confidence. By Ilona Jerabek, Ph.D. Confidence: It is sexy, attractive, and alluring to both men and women! How a person carries and presents himself or herself is a time-tested aphrodisiac. It's also a quality that both sexes eagerly look for in a long-term partner. Confidence reflects self-acceptance and self-love. TRUE Advisory Board member Dr. Ilona Jerabek presents the following tips for building and keeping a high self-esteem. Take these to heart and improve your personal and love life today! Spend some time getting to know yourself. Use your Advice for Me report from your TRUE Compatibility Test™ to do some thinking about what makes you "you." This doesn't necessarily mean ours of reflection (although some of that is good as well). You can also learn a lot more about who you are by getting out in the world and doing things. Meet people, take up hobbies, volunteer — you'll discover much about the world and reinforce your own sense of self at the same time. Get involved in your life!Act. When you're feeling insecure or doubting your abilities, don't hide away. Take a deep breath, get out there, and do the very things you're unsure about ... even if you have to start small. If, for example, you want to act in a play, but you're not sure you can do it, why not sign up for a very small part? You'll build your confidence.Conquer fear: take risks. Sometimes life requires a small "leap of faith." You'll feel good that you took some risks, even if they don't always work out as well as you hope. At least you can say you tried!Stand up for yourself. Low self-esteem often leads to lack of assertiveness; and when we don't voice what we want and need, we end up feeling worse about who we are. Build your assertiveness skills, and it will get easier in time.Set personal goals. Decide where you'd like to go, and make a reasonable, yet challenging, plan to get there. Set deadlines and a system of rewards to keep you going. (A goal, by the way, doesn't have to be a huge life decision, like "become a doctor". It can be anything you want to have in your life, like "Make one new friend" or "Learn to make jam.")Learn from — but let go of — mistakes. Absolutely everyone, no matter how perfect they may seem, messes up from time to time. This is how we learn — like the process of learning to walk as children. If we don't stumble, we don't learn how to keep our balance. Keep this in mind as you venture out into the world. Be gentle with yourself.Do things on your own — don't rely on others to make you feel good. One potential trap of a shaky self-esteem is dependency on others. The real truth is, if you feel a void inside, no one can fill it but you. While healthy relationships are important for happiness, more important is the relationship we have with ourselves.Don't compare yourself to others. You may look at someone and think they have something you don't, but the fact is they may be looking at you and thinking the very same thing. Someone may be better than you are at tennis, for example, but you can tell a much better joke. Judge yourself by your own standards, for you are unique!Associate with people who affirm who you are. Do you have toxic relationships with people who criticize you or make you feel small? Take a good look at the people you surround yourself with and how they affect your self-esteem.Learn to say "no." You will be surprised how much simpler it is than you think. When you really can't or don't want to do something, say so. (In, of course, a polite and non-aggressive manner.)Practice truthfulness. Avoid white lies. We often fib because we think we are sparing feelings or making things easier, but dishonesty only ends up making us feel bad about ourselves. Don't present a false face.Practice positive affirmations. Write down 5 or 10 things you really like about yourself. And next time a negative thought pops into your mind, replace it with something positive.Find things you enjoy. Whether it's sewing, drawing, swimming or karate, hobbies are a big self-esteem booster. Even if we are not experts, doing something for the pleasure and challenge builds our sense of who we are.Use visualization techniques. If you're anxious or doubtful about your ability to do something (ask your boss for a raise or compete in a marathon, for example), practice visualizing that moment in detail. Imagine yourself pulling it off smoothly. It'll lower your fear and boost your confidence.Enhance your ability to cope with stress. It's not so easy to believe in yourself if you're stressed out. Develop a repertoire of strategies for calming your spirit and incorporate them into your life as much as possible (like reading a good book, talking to friends, riding a horse or taking a bubble bath).Shun perfectionism. Interestingly, there is a high correlation between perfectionism and low self-esteem. The more you strive to be perfect, the more frustrated you become when you realize it's impossible! Be aware of any perfectionist tendencies you have and keep them in check.Make a list of your accomplishments. Include anything that made you feel good about yourself, without thinking about whether it is technically an "accomplishment" or not. (Your ability to relate to children, your chess talent, the amazing cookies you make, the great short story you wrote.) Refer to it whenever you need a boost.Live in the moment. The more time you spend dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, the more of the present you are wasting. Life is NOW, and you should get out there and embrace it.Do things for others. It's easy to get wrapped up in your own little world and forget that there are people out there who are in need. Give to others (your time, company, whatever you have to share) and you'll find yourself feeling better about yourself.Take care of yourself physically. Eat well, get enough sleep, kick nasty habits and get some exercise. Treat your body like it deserves to be treated!Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 (Ross, that list freaked me out and gave me a stomach ache just by reading it) Link to post Share on other sites
Ross_K Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 How come, hun? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HUMMINGBIRDLOVE Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 Thanks Ross for the great info I am glad there is a place like this to vent becouse whenever I try to talk to my bf he huffs and puffs and says here we go again I guess he is tired of it but as I tell him over and over I need something from you and if you love me you should be willing to give it to me all I ask for is if I get dressed up compliment me if I look sexy tell me ect... after being told I was ugly and fat for almost 20 yrs I really need a pick me up sometimes . but he says he shouldnt have to do thay ughhhhhhhhhh Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 How come, hun? Dunno. It's a stressful list (?) Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 In this country the pursuit of money is the pursuit of self-confidence Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 hi dg, just noticed where u live 'in my igloo' - that is so canadiana! lol shhhh dont tell the spies where i live Are you a hoser too? Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 I can understand where you're coming from as far as wanting your bf to compliment you at times. And I don't know if you're the same way, but I've found it doesn't really help all that much. I end up thinking the person is just saying that cause I asked, or they felt obligated to. I never believe it. So it doesn't help. Then I feel worse because what should've helped, didn't. Anyway... I had to retrain my brain. I used to constantly degrade myself. Ie: "No one loves me. I'm ugly." blah blah blah... So I spent about a year working on replacing those negative thoughts with "I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I'm the bomb." It was hard. Had to really force myself, and had to catch myself berrating myself. It'd become habit to bad mouth myself, and I had to break that first. And reinstill the new, more positive habit. It did wonders for my self-confidence. I wasn't super religious about it or die hard fanatic, but when I was really low I put extra effort into saying positive stuff (in my head). Also... I stopped watching tv because seeing anorexic women with huge boobs was making me feel even worse. I do a lot of things that improve me as a human being... not outwardly, but inward. Learning, or doing things that *I* find reward and growth in. And I try to do one thing that's stretching my comfort zone a month. Either attempt something I don't necessarily feel capable of, or talking to someone I don't know, or just something new and fun to go do for a few hours that I haven't done before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HUMMINGBIRDLOVE Posted October 16, 2006 Author Share Posted October 16, 2006 Thanks Walk for the support Link to post Share on other sites
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