Ross_K's progress report.

[Ross_K]

Well, I can't believe it, today I actually pushed myself out of the comfort zone.

 

Now, I was in town, I wanted to get my haircut, but the only barbers there was a salon, with two young hotties, and one of them seemed like the shallow 'I'm cool' type, that'd probably make fun of people with lower social status's than her, and probably look at you weird for being shy.

 

I felt too unconfident to go in, too shy, I also knew that when they'd make small talk, or even ask what I want, I'm going to find it really hard to get my voice out, and it'll sound weak, I'll look shy/nervous, and I'll be lousy at conversation, probably givving one word answers, or my voice being really quiet.

 

Now, usually I would have given this a 'No way Hosea', but, I was actually remembering what you peeps on here were saying as I was walking near to the salon, about how you've got to push yourself out of your comfort zone, to just talk to girls, to say hi to one on the street etc, and that the more you do it the easier it'll become.

 

So, somehow, I don't know how, it was as though my mind just went blank and I walked through the door, even though my fears were still there.

 

I didn't make myself look as foolish as what I thought I would, but still, I found it hard to talk, my voice didn't really come out strong and deep like it naturally does, and I seemed to look ugly in the mirror, maybe it was just the light, I also seemed to look too serious as well, and that made me feel more self concious. Anyway, the shallow type was cutting my hair, and she seemed okay, she kept rubbing her hand up and down the back of my head while she was shaving it which I've never experienced before, let me tell you, it felt really nice.

 

Anyway, I still managed to make eye contact and smile. And I feel good that I actually done it.

 

So, who says I never try anything eh?

[KittenMoon]

As someone who used to be pretty darn socially shy, each step you takes gets easier and easier and easier, and before you know it, you find yourself in situations where YOU'RE the social butterfly.

 

Good first step.

[Ariadne]

So, somehow, I don't know how, it was as though my mind just went blank and I walked through the door, even though my fears were still there.

 

Good going Ross!

 

(And maybe the shallow type is not so shallow afer all, you never know)

 

Ariadne

[Ross_K]

Yeah I know.

 

I think the key thing though is you've gotta do this stuff regulary for it to get easier and easier. Otherwise I can't see how it'll work.

 

For example, there was a time where I was experiencing certain uncomfortable anxiety producing situations like say once a week or once every two weeks, for a long time. Now, if you added all these situations up it'd be a real lot, yet it never got easier.

 

So, I am right with what I'm saying here aren't I? Can anyone confirm this?

 

Otherwise, if regular or unregular doesn't make any difference, that means pushing myself out of my comfort zone regulary wont get easier for me either, and I don't want to put myself through all that for no reason.

[alphamale]

excellent excellent...

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

Good work, Ross_K.

 

I'm glad to see you're doing something, about it. Next time, move up a level.

 

Try to make specific, yet humorous remarks with respect to a certain object, or idea. Example: "I have noticed an increase in men owning dogs. I like dogs, and surely am considering getting one myself. What do you think? Do you have a dog? and What would you recommend? I hear German Shepherds are good."

 

It is a silly example, but you get the drift. You can talk about anything. Use your imagination.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[Ross_K]

It's almost impossible when I'm feeling the way I'm feeling in those kinds of situations. Even putting myself through this sort of stuff again is going to be hard. I guess I've got to keep putting myself through it first, and once I'm more comfortable, I can step things up a bit.

[Yamaha]

I think the key thing though is you've gotta do this stuff regularly for it to get easier and easier. Otherwise I can't see how it'll work.

 

Your on the right track. You must keep doing these adventures in order for your anxiety to improve. Keep pushing yourself.

[Walk]

Hey! Great job Ross!

 

I think it takes quite a long while for you to become noticeably comfortable with things "outside your comfort zone". It's really slow progress with incremental steps. A lot of times I didn't realize something that used to seem a big deal wasn't anymore. It was so gradual a shift.

 

One last thing... I always just assumed everyone thought they looked ugly while getting their hair cut. I know I do! Plus, that's just a figment of your lowered self-esteem. usually what you see isn't real. It's how your brain is perceiving it based on how you view yourself. I just convince myself that what I see is a lie, and I'm actually really hot.

[dgiirl]

OMG, Ross, Great work! Dont you feel just a little proud of yourself for challenging your comfort-zone just a little?

 

Next time you are in a similar situation try to control your thoughts. Your first instinct was to assume that this girl was stuck up and that she'd make fun of you. Since I have anxiety myself, I know the feeling you were experiencing. But in order to conquer that anxiety and make it less, you need to stop your thoughts mid track and remind yourself that you dont know this person and it's very possible she's a nice person and wont do what you think she'll do. Case in point, you assumed she was stuck up and she clearly was a lot nicer than you initially gave her credit for.

 

Also, the lighting in salon's are just awful. They usually have either neon-lighting or spot lights so they can see what they are doing better. But everyone just looks awful under that lighting. Once again, try to control your thoughts from taking a negative turn. When you think negatively, your body naturally tenses up, you put a frown on, and people think you're pissed off. Not attractive at all.

[quietintrovertgirl]

Aaahh my baby:laugh:(QG kissing ross on the side of his face)Good work

[blind_otter]

It's almost impossible when I'm feeling the way I'm feeling in those kinds of situations. Even putting myself through this sort of stuff again is going to be hard. I guess I've got to keep putting myself through it first, and once I'm more comfortable, I can step things up a bit.

 

I was just reading a book about people who are socialy withdrawn and they advised that sometimes you have to force yourself to do things without first resolving your fear. Looks like you followed the advice without even reading the book. Good job!

[Ross_K]

I was really curious about whether your post would be full of hatred or was freindly towards me dgirl, so I took you off my ignore list to read it.

 

OMG, Ross, Great work! Dont you feel just a little proud of yourself for challenging your comfort-zone just a little?

 

Yeah, I do, it's sorta given me a bit more confidence to try other things.

 

Next time you are in a similar situation try to control your thoughts. Your first instinct was to assume that this girl was stuck up and that she'd make fun of you. Since I have anxiety myself, I know the feeling you were experiencing. But in order to conquer that anxiety and make it less, you need to stop your thoughts mid track and remind yourself that you dont know this person and it's very possible she's a nice person and wont do what you think she'll do. Case in point, you assumed she was stuck up and she clearly was a lot nicer than you initially gave her credit for.

 

Well, I don't know, I mean, I wasn't expecting her to be an ass towards me or treat me like I'm a loser, but the way her personality came across, she did still come across as type she initaily came across as before going into the salon. So, there's still every chance that if I kept on going in there that she'd end up treating me like a loser or whatever.

 

Also, the lighting in salon's are just awful. They usually have either neon-lighting or spot lights so they can see what they are doing better. But everyone just looks awful under that lighting.again, try to control your thoughts from taking a negative turn. When you think negatively, your body naturally tenses up, you put a frown on, and people think you're pissed off. Not attractive at all.

 

I know, there has been times where I notice that I'm tensed up and I have a frown on, and yes, there's no way that's attractive, and there's no way you're going to be as approachable and likeable as you would be if you were just normal.

[elijahBailey]

You go Ross!! That may count as the single most important step you've taken thus far.

 

Just remember, probably even our very own alphamale had to walk thru a few salon doors in the early days of his career

 

Just keep your head up and keep the momentum going. It's all in your head.

[samsungxoxo]

You could do it Bro., keep up the good work. Just remember about all this fear you have, it's mostly all an illusion you created in your mind. You're getting stronger and will more!!!!!

Congratulations!!!!!!!

[Ross_K]

Thanks hun.

[dgiirl]

I was really curious about whether your post would be full of hatred or was freindly towards me dgirl, so I took you off my ignore list to read it.

 

Ross, not once have I been hateful towards you. My posts have always been full of constructive criticism. You might not like what I have to say, but it's never been mean or hateful. If you think that was mean, you've never seen what mean really is.

 

 

Yeah, I do, it's sorta given me a bit more confidence to try other things.

 

Good, I am glad! Have you made up a list of things you want to try? Now that you know the rewards you get from challenging your comfortzone just a little, try to pick one of the easier things on it and do it. Success is not whether the situation was positive or negative, but in the challenging your comfortzone and not letting the experience define you.

 

 

Well, I don't know, I mean, I wasn't expecting her to be an ass towards me or treat me like I'm a loser, but the way her personality came across, she did still come across as type she initaily came across as before going into the salon. So, there's still every chance that if I kept on going in there that she'd end up treating me like a loser or whatever.

 

You are contradicting yourself here. You say you were not expecting her to treat you like a loser, yet then you say she could treat you like a loser. First, you are passing judgements on her. And having anxiety myself, I know this is how it works for me. I get self-conscious (I focus towards myself) and I assume the other person is going to think ill towards me (passing judgements). I then get angry inside and have this whole internal dialogue with myself and this figment of my imagination of this mean person while getting more and more self-conscious and angry/tense. And when I do not control those initial thoughts it spirals out of control. You have to realize that people are not as mean as you give them credit for, and even if they are, you have to realize that it is their problem not yours. You really need to get an attitude of so what. If someone is mean to you, you do not need to let it bother you. You do not need to get angry, you do not need to let it loose your cool, just let it roll off your back and realize that it's their problem not yours.

 

I noticed with my posts that you automatically assumed I was attacking you, and then you attacked back. Even IF (and I wasnt, just saying even if) I was attacking you, you took it personally and felt the need to attack back. And in that case, you get angry, your blood pressure rises, you get stressed, you loose a few years off your life due to stress, and you just make the situation worse. You probably feel that if someone is picking on you, you need to stand up for yourself otherwise people will take advantage of you. But standing up does not mean losing control and attacking the other person. In fact, the easiest way to control someone is to make them lose control by getting angry. Once they are angry, they are acting on emotion, not logic. And once they are acting on emotion, it's easy to manipulate someone. The best way to stand up for yourself is to not let the other person affect you. If someone does something that you do not like, then calmly tell them you do not appreciate such and such. Now if they were really being malicious, now they are all confused. They were expecting you to become emotional, but you responded calmly. They were hoping for a fight, and you didn't give it to them. If they continue to egg you on, to get a reaction from you, you simply leave. Now they are there with noone to fight with and feeling pretty damn stupid. You can defend yourself without resorting to the same tactics as the other person. If someone is mean to you, why give them the satisfaction of making you be mean yourself. Meanness is a negative trait. If they are mean, that's a negative about _them_. To respond with meanness allows them them to bring out a negative about _you_.

[Ross_K]

Ross, not once have I been hateful towards you. My posts have always been full of constructive criticism. You might not like what I have to say, but it's never been mean or hateful. If you think that was mean, you've never seen what mean really is.

 

I have, trust me.

 

Good, I am glad! Have you made up a list of things you want to try? Now that you know the rewards you get from challenging your comfortzone just a little, try to pick one of the easier things on it and do it. Success is not whether the situation was positive or negative, but in the challenging your comfortzone and not letting the experience define you.

 

I've got something in mind.

 

You are contradicting yourself here. You say you were not expecting her to treat you like a loser, yet then you say she could treat you like a loser.

 

That isn't contradicting myself.

 

First, you are passing judgements on her. And having anxiety myself, I know this is how it works for me. I get self-conscious (I focus towards myself) and I assume the other person is going to think ill towards me (passing judgements). I then get angry inside and have this whole internal dialogue with myself and this figment of my imagination of this mean person while getting more and more self-conscious and angry/tense. And when I do not control those initial thoughts it spirals out of control. You have to realize that people are not as mean as you give them credit for, and even if they are, you have to realize that it is their problem not yours. You really need to get an attitude of so what. If someone is mean to you, you do not need to let it bother you. You do not need to get angry, you do not need to let it loose your cool, just let it roll off your back and realize that it's their problem not yours.

 

Yeah, I know it's them with a problem, but it still makes you feel like you must come across as a loser to people.

 

I noticed with my posts that you automatically assumed I was attacking you, and then you attacked back. Even IF (and I wasnt, just saying even if) I was attacking you, you took it personally and felt the need to attack back. And in that case, you get angry, your blood pressure rises, you get stressed, you loose a few years off your life due to stress, and you just make the situation worse. You probably feel that if someone is picking on you, you need to stand up for yourself otherwise people will take advantage of you. But standing up does not mean losing control and attacking the other person. In fact, the easiest way to control someone is to make them lose control by getting angry. Once they are angry, they are acting on emotion, not logic. And once they are acting on emotion, it's easy to manipulate someone. The best way to stand up for yourself is to not let the other person affect you. If someone does something that you do not like, then calmly tell them you do not appreciate such and such. Now if they were really being malicious, now they are all confused. They were expecting you to become emotional, but you responded calmly. They were hoping for a fight, and you didn't give it to them. If they continue to egg you on, to get a reaction from you, you simply leave. Now they are there with noone to fight with and feeling pretty damn stupid. You can defend yourself without resorting to the same tactics as the other person. If someone is mean to you, why give them the satisfaction of making you be mean yourself. Meanness is a negative trait. If they are mean, that's a negative about _them_. To respond with meanness allows them them to bring out a negative about _you_.

 

I like being mean back because it makes me feel better. Not doing anything back to them will give them satisfaction, they know you're not going to like being treated that way, it's like holding up a sign saying 'please walk all over me'.

 

Being mean back wont give them satisfaction, it'll bother them, and they will either not do anything back because they know that you're standing up for yourself against them and could be willing to give them back anything they give you, and maybe even beat the crap out of them if you have to. Which will make you look and feel like you've come off better, in fact you will have come off better, and they're going to be gutted.

 

Or, they will do something back to you, and then it's up to yourself whether you want to stick up for your self again, in the end, someone is going to lose. So, if you know you can beat the crap out of them and you've got enough confidence, stick up for yourself. If you're scared of them and you reckon they can beat you up, it's obviously better to swallow your pride, and let them walk over you, and obviously try and avoid ever coming across these people again.

[dgiirl]

I like being mean back because it makes me feel better. Not doing anything back to them will give them satisfaction, they know you're not going to like being treated that way, it's like holding up a sign saying 'please walk all over me'.

 

Being mean back wont give them satisfaction, it'll bother them, and they will either not do anything back because they know that you're standing up for yourself against them and could be willing to give them back anything they give you, and maybe even beat the crap out of them if you have to. Which will make you look and feel like you've come off better, in fact you will have come off better, and they're going to be gutted.

 

Or, they will do something back to you, and then it's up to yourself whether you want to stick up for your self again, in the end, someone is going to lose. So, if you know you can beat the crap out of them and you've got enough confidence, stick up for yourself. If you're scared of them and you reckon they can beat you up, it's obviously better to swallow your pride, and let them walk over you, and obviously try and avoid ever coming across these people again.

 

ummm... how old are you Ross? What's all this talk about beating people up and stuff? I'm talking about having maturity to handle conflict in an _adult_ way. I gave up "beating" ppl up in the 4th grade. This is not meant as a personal attack but you fear being called a loser, and yet if you talked like this in real life, I'd think you were a loser. Seriously, you can still defend yourself and not lower your self-respect. Being mean, or beating ppl up lowers your self-respect. People over the age of 10 who sees an adult acting the way you suggest will not have any respect for that person. I would not see it as you are "The man" not to be messed with, I would look at you and have pity for you. You are an adult and should know better.

 

Anyways, you still need a lot of work and growing up. Good job on what you've done. Keep it up and try to continue to listen to what people advise you.

[Ross_K]

ummm... how old are you Ross? What's all this talk about beating people up and stuff? I'm talking about having maturity to handle conflict in an _adult_ way. I gave up "beating" ppl up in the 4th grade. This is not meant as a personal attack but you fear being called a loser, and yet if you talked like this in real life, I'd think you were a loser. Seriously, you can still defend yourself and not lower your self-respect. Being mean, or beating ppl up lowers your self-respect. People over the age of 10 who sees an adult acting the way you suggest will not have any respect for that person. I would not see it as you are "The man" not to be messed with, I would look at you and have pity for you. You are an adult and should know better.

 

Maybe it's your culture but in England, or at least most of it grown men will beat someone up if they have too, it's natural. Now, maybe you got the impression that if someone called me a name I'd beat them up. But that isn't true. I was talking about if say things escalated and they ended up swinging for me, then obviously I'd beat them up if I had enough guts.

 

If someone just called me a name or somethign, the way I'd stick up for myself would be to say something like 'shut the **** up you prick'.

 

But, I think, if someone threw a drink over me and smirked at me or something, then I think standing up, walking over to him and punching him in the face would be quite acceptable.

 

Anyways, you still need a lot of work and growing up. Good job on what you've done. Keep it up and try to continue to listen to what people advise you.

 

What makes you think I need to grow up? Just the fact that I mentioned beating someone up in my other post?

[dgiirl]

Maybe it's your culture

 

Maybe, or maybe it's the group of people you are hanging out with.

 

But, I think, if someone threw a drink over me and smirked at me or something, then I think standing up, walking over to him and punching him in the face would be quite acceptable.

 

Does this really happen that often? Has it ever really happen to you personally? When you were over the age of 25? If so, it sounds like you live with a bunch of barbarians.

 

What makes you think I need to grow up? Just the fact that I mentioned beating someone up in my other post?

 

Yes. Your responses seem to be a tit for tat like a child. If they call you a name, you call them one back. If they throw a fist at you, you fight back. Whatever happen to removing yourself from the situation before it even escalated to that point? If someone calls me a name I dont like, I tell them do not call me that. If they continue, I remove myself from the situation. If someone ever threw a fist at me, well, first I would have like to believe I would never keep fighting with someone to the point that they needed to throw a fist at me, but just say out of the blew they threw a fist at me for absolutely no reason, well, I'd probably call the cops and press charges. By me fighting back, now I have absolutely no leg to stand on and cannot land their ass in jail. I'd rather them be thrown in jail then risking having a broken nose or tooth. Both prove a point, if you mess with me, you'll have to suffer the consequences, but I like to believe that my suggestion is a lot more mature and responsible as an adult.

[Ross_K]

Just out of curiosity, how old are you?

 

Does this really happen that often? Has it ever really happen to you personally? When you were over the age of 25? If so, it sounds like you live with a bunch of barbarians.

 

No, and it's never happened to me before. I was just giving an example.

 

Yes. Your responses seem to be a tit for tat like a child. If they call you a name, you call them one back. If they throw a fist at you, you fight back.

 

To be honest, that's the real world. There's nothin immature about it.

 

Whatever happen to removing yourself from the situation before it even escalated to that point?

 

Well, yeah, I'm up for that, it depends on the situation really.

 

If someone calls me a name I dont like, I tell them do not call me that. If they continue, I remove myself from the situation.

 

To be honest I didn't give it much thought before, but I think I'd be a lot more likely to say 'what's your problem?', if they thengave me more crap I'd probably say 'whatever man' and leave it like that.

 

In my other posts I was basically just giving quick examples. It seems you've been taking everything I've been saying too literally.

 

If someone ever threw a fist at me, well, first I would have like to believe I would never keep fighting with someone to the point that they needed to throw a fist at me, but just say out of the blew they threw a fist at me for absolutely no reason, well, I'd probably call the cops and press charges.

 

Well, I'll give you the reasons why I'd hit them back, if I had enough confidence too and I reckoned I could take them, for one, I'd do it to defend myself, and for another I'd be damned angry and would want to give them exactly what they deserve. Hitting someone back, no matter what age, even as far as wanting to give them exactly what they deserve is totally natural.

 

Humans have not been designed to be placid in these situations, this is one of the reasons we have been given anger as an emotion.

 

By me fighting back, now I have absolutely no leg to stand on and cannot land their ass in jail.

 

Ah, so you would want to punish them, looks like you believe in tit for tat yourself.

 

Anyway, you would have a leg to stand on, the police would see it as you defending yourself.

 

I'd rather them be thrown in jail then risking having a broken nose or tooth. Both prove a point, if you mess with me, you'll have to suffer the consequences, but I like to believe that my suggestion is a lot more mature and responsible as an adult.

 

True, I'd hate the fact of losing a tooth too and is something I do worry about happening if I was to ever get into a fight, anyway, your suggestion isn't anymore mature and responsible as what I'd say I'd do.

[dgiirl]

Just out of curiosity, how old are you?

 

32

 

In my other posts I was basically just giving quick examples. It seems you've been taking everything I've been saying too literally.

 

Ross, how do you expect me to take you? I cannot read your mind and can only respond to things on what you are writting. I wrote up a long post on how you can control your anxiety and what you can do when you feel like someone is about to judge you in order to help you and you respond with fighting. I've been in similar shoes to you, and I know from my experience it's that initial reaction to fight that is causing your anxiety.

[stoopid_guy]

Anyway, I still managed to make eye contact and smile. And I feel good that I actually done it.

Way to go!!! Definately a step in the right direction.

[Ross_K]

Well, I find that pretty easy when I'm talking to someone and it's appropriate because of what they said or because of what I said, unless I'm really nervous.

 

What I can't do is to just look at a girl who seems to be looking my way and just smile at her.